To ask what is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you - as I simply fancy hearing some funny tales / others may too ...

[ginorwine]

I can't say my actual funniest as it may out me to my rl friends but -
One was when I jumped over a wall after several wines - I thought I was going over into a field in my village
But I then dropped in a very relaxed wine induced manner about ten foot into a stream .
My friends heard a scream followed by a splosh sound and another scream .
My friend having been bought a drink by a dodgy man in a pub - didn't expect him to approach her - panicked when he looked away and poured it on the pub carpet ( the swirley wild kind of carpet which was dark red ) I didn't know where to look .
It's a dull rainy evening here and I'm trying to cheer it up somewhat .
😄

So we're sitting around for a family dinner – me, my DM, my DBs and my BF (now DH).

DM: I think I've got necrophilia.
Me:

DM: I keep feeling like I'm going to fall asleep.
Me: I think you mean narcolepsy!?!

I asked my neighbour to put up a bookshelf for me (DH is a 'pianist' when it comes to DIY). He mucked about for several hours -- i assume he was not very sober. Finally the shelf was up. He decided to test its strength... By trying to climb on it. Fell off all together, ripping out bits from the wall. I was so glad it was him falling, and not the whole load of books onto my head.

We were on holiday in Thailand and had a dive trip with a load of strangers on a largish dive boat.

DH was feeling a bit ropey after lunch on the boat and decided he would have to go to the loo. So he went down to use the toilet on the bottom deck while all the other divers were finishing lunch, looking out over the railings....At which point we all see a huge cloud of diarrhoea-coloured water appearing in the sea (the waste just went straight out) and then a huge shoal of fish came along and started to eat it...gross.

When DH eventually surfaced back up to the top deck to be greeted by loud cheers from all the laddish divers - he was mortified!

My dad leap frogging over a concrete bollard aged about 63. He tripped after it and landed in front of a (not moving!) bus. The bus driver got out to bollock him for setting a bad example to kids. I had to pretend I didn't know him and had my back to him while I was howling with laughter. The driver was so irate

Watching Victoria wood on TV with my mum and laughing so much I choked on a piece of chocolate. The next year watching it again and dad stuck his head in "bloody Victoria wood, didn't you choke last year" just as I choked (again!) on a piece of chocolate

Many, many, many times at work which I can't say about most of them but involving things like typing cat vs pedestrian. It was meant to be car

A good few years back my sister, who lives in US, moved to Florida. She sent a us few photos of her, the new location, house which has a small pool, etc. One of the photos was especially nice, she was sitting with feet dangling feet in the pool. My eagle-eyed DH observed that on the table next to her in the background is a big dildo/rabbit type of thing ... impossible to miss ... I'd been focused on her, only glanced at the background. A bit amusing maybe?

Went to visit our elderly mum a few weeks later, and she had that picture framed and hanging on the wall! :)

I was stood at a horse show once where dd was riding
I was nervous and hand my hand s on coat pocket
I found something squashy and flexible and it was really helpful and relaxing to squeeze it re shape it like a sress ball

Half an our later I looked at it as my nerves left -to discover it was a small dog poo in a dog bag . Placed there by dd some hours before .
I also picked up a small frozen dog poo in the snow once and threw it for my dog - it was dark and late - the dog was agast .
I seem to have poo related tales .
I once read a book on de cluttering , it was quite new age snd talked about the ahem physical aspect of de cluttering ado the body is my temple - it described the perfect poo - including the size , texture and sound effect when it hit the water and if it floated or not 😂

Euphemia I have dined out on that story for the past six years! I did see Simon Callow at my gym a few months later but decided best not to mention the incident!

A few years ago, one of my very old friends texted me to tell me that another friend (with whom I had a much less informal relationship) had just given birth to twins. We chatted back and forth and she said she was going on a date with a sailor she'd met when his ship docked close to where she lived. I joked that she'd better be careful 'ninety days at sea and all that'. (Childish, I know, but we've known each other a long time).

The next day, I texted her back to find out how her date had gone. My actual words were 'how's your back passage?' When she didn't respond, I checked my phone. I'd sent it to the wrong friend. The one who had just given birth to twins.

[

She's never mentioned it. I still cringe thinking about it now.

Oh, and Alibongo's reminded me of this one.

When I was in P1 (very strict Catholic school), my best friend complained loudly to the teacher that one of the boys had called her a name. The teacher asked what the name was, but my friend wouldn't tell her. The teacher leaned down and said 'just whisper in my ear'. So my friend leaned over and said in a loud stage whisper -

A FAT CUNT.

That was a long time ago, but it still makes me laugh.

Arkhamasylum, hilarious!

I was a litigator in a previous life and had spent a long and tiring week sitting behind counsel in court. Evenings spent entertaining the client and the reading that day's transcript. Very long days, legging it up and down the Strand to fetch documents and plenty of stress.

One morning as I arrived at court in a taxi I noticed our opponent's counsel and solicitors waiting outside. I got ready to haul out my box of files and opened the taxi door straight into oncoming traffic. Door crumples, taxi driver shouts (understandably!), opponents laugh theatrically, I apologise profusely and leave my card.

Just when I think I might have lived that down, our QC is doing his closing speech when suddenly his mobile phone starts ringing in his pocket. Bad breach of protocol and he is in danger of a bollocking from the judge. Except quick as a flash, he launches it out of the top pocket of his jacket whereupon it twats me (sitting behind him) over the head. Was a giant old Nokia so the noise is quite impressive. Just as I pick it up, the heads of the entire public gallery, the judge, our client and my (fuming) boss swivel towards me. I scrabble with the phone except I can't switch the bloody thing off cos I don't know the password. Eventually I take the battery out. Bloody QC stood there like butter wouldn't melt... I could have throttled him!

These are amazing One of mine that comes to mind is when DF years ago had a real gripe about how next door neighbour's cat kept wandering into our garden. One day he heard a noise from outside and clearly thought, aha I'll catch the bugger in the act and scare him off. So he leaps theatrically out the back door and goes "HISSSSSSS." Only to be greeted not by the cat but next door neighbour who calls casually over the fence - "oh hi Bill." I don't even know if he ever explained WTAF he was doing or just carried on the conversation like nothing had happened!

Cycling through the woods with my now exh, we went off the path to do some mountain biking. I decided to flash him my tits just as 2 men cycled by. He was horrified, I found it funny and I nonchalantly said "oh don't worry about that we'll never see them again".

Later, we carried on the ride along the cycle path on the seafront and who cycled past in the opposite direction? The men I said we would never see again. They gave me a grin and exH and I both laughed this time.

My sister as a teen was singing along to Electric Dreams adding in her own words "electric dreams, sweet dreams, wet dreams". Our mother couldn't believe her ears, I had the hysterics when my sister said "what?"

In a funeral, me and my cousins found it very hard not to laugh when the vicar kept on saying "We are here today to celebrate the life of Brian". We let it all out at the wake later. Brian would have found it funny too.

Age 14. Myself and best friend at the time had to stay behind in class to put the chairs up, as punishment.
We had to sit at opposite sides of the classroom because we were such a distraction to the rest of the class with our chatting and giggling........so to communicate with each other we would write BIG MESSAGES in the middle two pages of our jotters and hold them up when the teacher wasn't looking.
Obviously we got caught mid banter. The teacher didn't find "fanny face" (or something similar) written in bold letters nearly as funny as we did.
The tables and chairs were on platforms, rising to the back of the class.
We dutifully put all the chairs on the tables, got to the top row. Turned to go down steps. Friends bag caught one of the chairs. Cue ALL the chairs piling into each other like dominoes....and us absolutely ending our selves. I couldn't breathe. We managed to compose ourselves slightly and get up off the floor to put the chairs up again. Then noticed the teacher, shoulders shuddering, tears down face. The three of us ended up there for quite a while. Setting each other off again. This is when I realised that teachers are human too.

Sitting in the car with my parents and little sister, I'm about 10, she 7.

Mum sees a sign outside the butchers for Welsh black beef.

Mum: black beef... does that come from black sheep then?

Just as dad and I start giggling did pipes up:

No, beef is pigs, stupid.

I was on a crowded bus back in the day when I didn't drive and had just had a kfc and a massive coke it makes me gassy

Hoped on a packed bus to go home and my tummy started rumbling and I did a massive fart it stank of meat I couldn't hide of move the bus was packed people started shitying holding there noses and one person said loudly that's disgusting

I was so embrassed I got off at the next stop and walked the rest of the way home 😐😳 I can joke about it nowt but I was so embrassed

l love this thread - reminds me that I'm not the only complete twat out there

I've got a few: I'd travelled back from Uni to see my parents and the bus dropped me in the middle of town. Home was up three massive hills, so I thought I'd be cheeky and grab a taxi - only a couple of quid. It was pissing it down so all the more reason.

I hop in the front of a taxi outside the supermarket and say, "Just up the hill please.", at which point the driver responds, "Um...I'm not a taxi?" I look round and there's two kids weeping with laughter (little gits!) and a pile of shopping in the back; outside the door, his wife is waiting to get in, looking aghast. I walked home in shame.

Another time, I was waiting for my friends outside the pub after we'd had a couple of drinks - they were paying up and we were going to say our goodbyes and walk home our separate ways. I'm lurking in the porch, so when my friend comes out, I decide (sober, no fucking less) to jump out on her with a massive, open-mouthed "RAAAAARGH!!"

Only it's not her, is it? It's some random woman and her boyfriend. She goes, "WHAT THE FUCK?" and he looks like he's going to try and fight me any second. I swear, I nearly weed.

I always lurk & never post but this has had me in stitches and I must confess how ditzy I am ...

Hubby & me park outside a chippy and I run in, large order so I am some time ... run out and briefly look up at car & see it (silver) in front of me & get in it and say 'alrgiht' only to see some random bloke on his mobile looking at me a bit strange ... I apologise and get the giggles and when I look up hubby is facing us in the car I should have got in just shaking his head ... I apologised again to this man, get out and run round to my car, sit in the passenger seat with hubby going 'how did you manage that you dozy mare' and I can't speak for laughing ... stranger in other car is laughing & I just said 'it's a silver car so I just got in it'. I end up in fits of laughter everytime I relive this story, my hubby/kids/friends think I'm nuts :-)

We were sitting in KFC's having our dinner when my DS aged 7 asked if we could go to the Sex shop across the road. It was "CEX"

We had a small, fairly informal funeral for my mother. My 6yo came along. She'd been close to her grandma and was sad, but she was also something of a drama queen, and a young child usually cannot remain sad continuously for days on end.

So there I was, up at the front taking my turn to share some memories about my dear mum, when mum's elderly friends began to giggle. I hadn't even got to the funny story yet. Mystified, I just carried on.

Only after the funeral did my BIL tell me that dd had stood behind me throughout, making faces and imitating me. Mum would have appreciated that.

I have just read the whole thread! So funny
Especially @ HARK
And the leapfrogging 60year old dad getting told off by the bus driver

Many years ago my mum who was very straight-laced but also had a wicked sense of humour had a very strange phone call while we were having tea and cake.
The man asked her what colour knickers she was wearing and when she replied that her memory wasn't too good (there was nothing wrong with it) and she couldn't remember which pair she'd picked up that morning he moved on.
So he started asking her about her pussy. Asking her how furry it was, and to stroke it for him. She replied "I'm sorry, I don't have a pussy - I don't even have a little dog!".
Cue me snorting tea and cake all over the table.

On phone in poundland to my sister asking her if she wanted me to buy something I had spotted for her, I may have said 'but I can't see how much it costs' it took me a while to get why the couple infront of me were giggling.