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Original poster

To ask what is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you - as I simply fancy hearing some funny tales / others may too ...

152 replies

ginorwine · 10/08/2016 20:27

I can't say my actual funniest as it may out me to my rl friends but -
One was when I jumped over a wall after several wines - I thought I was going over into a field in my village
But I then dropped in a very relaxed wine induced manner about ten foot into a stream .
My friends heard a scream followed by a splosh sound and another scream .
My friend having been bought a drink by a dodgy man in a pub - didn't expect him to approach her - panicked when he looked away and poured it on the pub carpet ( the swirley wild kind of carpet which was dark red ) I didn't know where to look .
It's a dull rainy evening here and I'm trying to cheer it up somewhat .
😄

OP posts:
Thisisnotausername · 10/08/2016 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 10/08/2016 22:02

Stayed overnight in a hotel following a wedding, there was a group of several couples. Met the next morning for breakfast and we're all seated together at a huge table where everyone ordered a full English. The waitress asked if we'd like white or brown toast, everyone asked for white except one guy, who piped up "er, I'd like brown please"

Toast duly arrives, brown toast guy looks annoyed, and calls the waitress back, demanding to know why he has brown bread, but everyone else has white. Turns out he wanted his white bread toasted till it was brown. His face as it slowly dawned on him during his irate rant at the waitress was priceless.

GwendolynPost · 10/08/2016 22:09

My best friends wedding was in a church and as a non church goer I wasn't familiar with the hymns.

As we stand up to sing I express concern to DH that I won't know the tune. His reply..."Just sing it to the tune of The Vengabus is coming".

And that is why I spent the majority of my best friends wedding curled up in the pew trying not to die.

5Foot5 · 10/08/2016 22:11

As a student I used to cycle in to lectures every day. One day in the summer I got up to find I had a puncture so my friend said I could borrow hers. Great. But her bike had a crossbar which I wasn't used to and I was wearing a floaty cotton skirt because it was a nice day. I was worried about controlling the skirt so I sort of bunched it up in front of me and tied it to the crossbar with a bit of string.

This worked fine on the way in but on the way home, in busy traffic I came seriously unstuck. While waiting to turn right at traffic lights I realized the chain had come off. I jumped off the bike intending to push the bike to the side of the road, however I found I was seriously impeded by being tied to the thing. I couldn't untie it in a hurry so I ended up lifting the bike and darting across the road, skirt up around my waist dodging traffic as I went.

It was funny in retrospect but at the time I was so embarrassed I hid behind a wall until the lights had changed several times!

ShouldHaveListenedInBiology · 10/08/2016 22:16

This may out me as I have told this story A LOT but never mind. A few years ago I was at the theatre watching a play which had really moved me to tears. As the lights came up I felt all flustered as I am not a pretty crier so I wanted to get the hell out of there before everyone saw my blotchy face. The theatre was in the round with sharply raked seats so the head of the person in front came up to about shin level of the person behind. I stood up out of my seat, turned around and crouched down to pick up my bag and coat, and as I did so I accidentally sat on the head of the woman in front. I hightailed it out of there with a bemused husband in tow, and it took me about an hour to tell him what had happened as I was laughing so much I couldn't get the words out.

If the lady in question happens to be reading this, I'm ever so sorry.

girlinacoma · 10/08/2016 22:24

I've told this before under a previous username .....

Work experience many years ago in some stuffy office.

Boy from another school also doing work experience the same time as me and I fancied the hell out of him. Found it very hard to stay composed in his presence.

We were always sent on our tea break together and on one occasion I offered to make him a cup of tea.

Upon bending down to get the mugs out of the cupboard I let out an entirely unexpected fart that started on a high note and gradually descended to a lower one.

I paused, absolutely mortified in the head down position but decided best thing for it was to pretend it hadn't happened.

Unfortunately, as I straightened up, another fart came out (not altogether unexpected now) but this one went from a low tone to a high one.

Think of one of those 'whistle' lollies and you'll get the idea.

BrianButterfield · 10/08/2016 22:26

One day after school (as a teacher) we had an INSET session with a guest speaker. My colleague and I were playing a game where we were trying to work out the best anagram of the guest speaker's name. About half way through the the session he slides me a piece of paper on which is written "large pig minge. I WIN"

We spent the whole rest of the session looking at the floor and breathing deeply because if we so much as glanced at one another we felt the giggles threaten to overtake us.

Gudgyx · 10/08/2016 22:28

Getting ready for work one morning. Put on a new dress I'd just bought with a pair of tights, lovely I thought.

Came to lunchtime at work and I jumped in the lift to go out, which happens to have a full length mirror. Realised my lovely new dress was, in fact, a top and I'd been walking about like a tart all day!

I work with all guys, so they spent the rest of the day calling me 'chicken madras' cos my ass was hanging out.

Ah well I only had the afternoon left, didn't see the point in going home to change so tried to hide under my desk all day. Plus I have a good ass :p

VladmirsPoutine · 10/08/2016 22:31

girlinacoma What was his reaction? How did it go on from there?

salsamad · 10/08/2016 22:34

Recently DH and I took his DM out for the afternoon. We stopped for a hot drink in a posh tea room. DMil looked through the drinks menu thoughtfully and was impressed with the wide choice of drinks etc.
"Oh they do cappuccino and espresso .....hmmm what shall I have. I think I will have a decapitated coffee please" said deadpan whilst closing the menu.
Cue DH and me rolling around laughing.

trixymalixy · 10/08/2016 22:34

Hogmanay and party at friend's house. Everyone is dancing and take that comes on. Friend's DH goes to do a take that esque slide on his knees but underestimates how slippy the floor is and doesn't stop where he expected to. He carries on sliding into the other people dancing who go down like skittles and then into the Christmas tree which teeters but thankfully doesn't go over.

I very nearly wet myself laughing, funniest thing I've ever seen. I'm sure my description does not do the incident justice.

girlinacoma · 10/08/2016 22:37

Vladamir - I blanked much of it I think Blush

I remember him laughing at me (rather than with me).

He obviously didn't appreciate the musical capabilities of my sphincter muscles Grin

mineofuselessinformation · 10/08/2016 22:37

Brian, that is the sort of thing that happens where I work!

blondieblondie · 10/08/2016 22:47

We had a contractor in our office signing in to the building. My colleague pulled a packet of starburst out her bag and asked if he would like one. But she accidentally pulled out tampon instead.

However, karma served me well when I was walking through Tesco at the busiest time of day, 3 or 4 people in my immediate vicinity, when a very helpful man walking toward me said, "oh you just dropped something". Cue everyone looking... Yep, tampon.

HypodeemicNerdle · 10/08/2016 22:48

I recently decided to push the combined weight of DH and 2 DC on a tyre swing. I felt fully confident of my swing pushing abilities, the park is our local and I have pushed the DC many a time on this swing.

I forgot to allow for DH's extra weight so attempted to push him and the DC as I was walking forwards to my chest height. I managed to get them to chest height but I had no way of running backwards fast enough to escape their momentum. I tried valiantly, got hit by the swing which knocked me absolutely flying. I led on the grass in hysterics at the ridiculousness of the situation while poor DH, imagining me terribly injured, attempted to stop the swing to come and attend to me. I grazed both my knee and elbow and felt like I'd broken a rib from the laughing

ThreeSaggyBalloons · 10/08/2016 22:50

My brother had spent a considerable amount of time in the kitchen making himself a mammoth feast while nursing a particularly bad hangover. It was a bit of a mountain so he loaded it carefully on a tray and delicately walked towards the stairs to head back to his room. As he rounded the dogleg at the bottom my dad, who was just about to have a shower after a long sweaty day at work, threw his boxers down the stairs for the wash load; they landed right on top of my brother's dinner, firing baked beans everywhere. It was the absolute look of disappointment as he turned on his heel and trudged back to the kitchen that had me. I was weeping with laughter.

apintofharpandapacketofdates · 10/08/2016 22:55

Trixy that's hilarious!! I'm now coughing due to the effects of muffled laughing so as not to waken 4YO...

Brilliant!

glamourousgranny42 · 10/08/2016 22:57

I'm a teacher, walked out of the staff toilets at school and headed down the corridor to my classroom. A colleague called " excuse me Miss glamourous. " when turned round she motioned to inform me that I had got my skirt tucked in my knickers!

Cue much embarrassment from me and hilarity from students.

Somewhereundertheduvet · 10/08/2016 22:57

The day before I had DD I went to bed for an afternoon nap. It was a very hot day so I stripped off and lay on the bed completely starkers in an elegant starfish position.
Fell soundly asleep.
A couple of hours later I went downstairs to find on the front door mat a bill from the window cleaners...................
And no, I hadn't drawn the curtains Blush

MrsFrankRicard · 10/08/2016 23:05

not the funniest but it's come to mind --
I work in an open plan office and I have 2 monitors which following an office move had been installed on my new desk but in the wrong position, I didn't have the strength to slide them along so I asked my colleague (20 years my senior) to help me, I said to him (obviously not clearly enough) 'john, can you pull my arms apart?' john looked at me like this - Shock and stuttered 'pull.. your.. arse apart?!' I completely lost it, was crying laughing as was he when he realised I had said 'arms'. Grin Shock Blush

FreezerBird · 10/08/2016 23:16

I will have a decapitated coffee please

Similarly, MIL once went to the bar and ordered "two largers please". We mocked for years, especially FIL, until the day when he ordered "two black americans" in a coffee shop.

Helenluvsrob · 10/08/2016 23:16

My best " totally not getting it" moment is probably sympathising with a lady with a broken ankle ..
" that looks sore, what did you do?"
Reply " slipped in Iceland "
Me" my goodness how awful, hope it didn't spoil your holiday, I've always wanted to go there"

Silence fell with an audible clang as I realised she meant the frozen food shop !

The other best one - dd1 was about 11 and we sent her to get 5 pounds of spuds from sainsburys . She is allegedly very intelligent but really so dim in some ways ..... I had a phone call " can't find any five pound bags only small ones shall I get the loose ones " ..., "'yes of course but I can't believe there are no 5 pound bags of spuds !"

She returned with 5 pounds of sprouts !!!!!

That's most of a carrier bag full.

She had forgotten that spuds were potatoes ..... Visions of months of sprout curry filled me with terror , so I made her gone with me and explain to the customer services lady, who nearly wet herself , but did refund us !

UmbongoUnchained · 10/08/2016 23:19

The police kicked down the door of my hotel room because someone had reported the sound of my husband beating me up.

We were just havjng really loud drunk sex Blush

Sgtmajormummy · 10/08/2016 23:28

2 DC and I travelled by Ryanair with just hand luggage. We had to pick up the hire car and luckily the shuttle bus was waiting two lanes away outside the building.
I was wheeling two trolleys, one in each hand, and said "Quick, follow me! We don't want to miss it!". But I didn't see the rubber lane divider on the road. I tripped, stumbled and did a face-plant, still holding a suitcase either side of me.
The people around were so kind and tried not to laugh, but even I could see the funny side of it! Blush
We caught the bus, anyway...

Runny · 10/08/2016 23:38

When I was about 15 I went on holiday with my family to Ibiza. We stayed in this big hotel and had our meals in a large dining room. One morning my DM went down to breakfast ahead of us, I then had a minor disagreement with my DF . I can't remember what it was over and stomped down behind her. Still half asleep I thought I saw her sitting at a table on her own, so I filled my plate up and marched over. I plonked myself down and began moaning about my dad.

A complete stranger then looks up at me and says 'Sorry?' I realise this isn't my mum at all but some woman ive never seen before in my life. I then hear my mum shouting my name and looking puzzled at me from another table. I apologise, go back to my mum and say 'I thought she was you'. DM was mortified, she was about 20 years older than my mum and looked nothing like her.