To ask what is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you - as I simply fancy hearing some funny tales / others may too ...

[ginorwine]

I can't say my actual funniest as it may out me to my rl friends but -
One was when I jumped over a wall after several wines - I thought I was going over into a field in my village
But I then dropped in a very relaxed wine induced manner about ten foot into a stream .
My friends heard a scream followed by a splosh sound and another scream .
My friend having been bought a drink by a dodgy man in a pub - didn't expect him to approach her - panicked when he looked away and poured it on the pub carpet ( the swirley wild kind of carpet which was dark red ) I didn't know where to look .
It's a dull rainy evening here and I'm trying to cheer it up somewhat .
😄

When I was a student nurse I was on placement in a secure mental health hospital. I had to attend a very important meeting with a patient, family, doctors etc. The patient always wore an old fashioned gas mask (don't even ask) the night before I watched a Billy Connelly DVD most hilarious man alive there was some mention og gas masks in the show and seeing the patient brought it all back. I tried so so hard not to laugh but I was hysterical and the more I tried to stop and hold it in, the worse it got.

Also standing in the queue of Primark and 2 women paying in front. Very busy Saturday. One starts laughing and sets her friend off. She is on her knees in front of the till laughing when she actually pissed herself. This just finished her friend off. The one who pissed herself couldn't walk as she was hysterically laughing/crying and her friend pulled her to the lift by the collar. I always have a laugh about it anytime I'm standing at the same till.

One evening after I got in from work DH had just made us a late dinner of burgers, eggs and beans. He put it on the table and went back into the kitchen to get cutlery.

My dearly departed kitten had a voracious appetite. As soon as DH put the plates down and turned his back the kitten sprinted across the room and did a flying leap landing on DH's food with his face right in it and immediately devoured the burgers.

DH was livid. I could barely contain my hysterics.

Dp called me into the kitchen to fetch my dinner and as he picked his plate up his pie slid off and landed on the floor with a splat. He was so annoyed and I just couldn't stop laughing. I then made it much worse by telling him he had a face like a dropped pie!

Not me (thankfully) but happened to a friend of mine. He wasn't going to tell me but I was really depressed and he thought it would cheer me up... (it did). Anyway, he'd been away for a few days and stayed in a B&B above a pub. Late at night, he popped to the loo next to his room, wearing only his boxer shorts. Of course, he got locked out of his room. And had to go down to the bar (full of very merry people) for assistance...

Oh that's reminded me of an even better one. It involves another friend who was staying with his DW and another couple in some kind of circular building (may have been an old lighthouse). I can't remember if it was something to do with the floors looking similar or not being sure how many doors along the room was, but anyway he went to the loo in the middle of the night in a woozy state (I imagine drink had been taken) and went back into the wrong room. Got into bed, next to (apparently) his sleeping wife. A minute later someone else walked into the room, in the dark, and got into bed the other side of him! His mistake slowly dawned on him but he didn't know how to extricate himself. So just jumped up, said "Oops, sorry!" and ran out the room!

[This sounds sooo suspicious now I've typed it out, I doubt I'd believe it from anyone else!]

These are brilliant!

I have two that spring to mind. First, my father, against his will, wearing a Barbary ape like a rucksack on the rock of Gibraltar.

The second one is from sixth form days. I was mates with a guy in my French class who was a bit of a layabout. Always had an excuse why he hadn't done his homework. One day we were walking to college together, and he was all cock-a-hoop because he had actually done his homework. He proudly showed me his notebook in the inner pocket of his jacket.

It was a windy day, and as we crossed a railway bridge, a gust caught his jacket and ripped the notebook from his pocket. We watched in stunned horror as it fluttered down onto the railway.

Do you think the French teacher believed that excuse? Bien sur, she didn't!

When I got pregnant with my first DS, I was quite obese. I had severe hyperemesis throughout the pregnancy, so I did not gain any weight. I actually weighed 3 stone LESS the day I went in to deliver him than when I got pregnant.

Anyways, one day I commented at work that the outfit I was wearing made me look quite pregnant (I was always very late to show) and was told by a coworker "no, you don't look pregnant at all!"

I pointed out that I probably should, as I was just over 6 months gone by that time.

Her response...

"Oh, shit! I just thought you were big!"

One of my now colleagues at a job interview, being questioned by one of the senior people in the office. She was asked where she went to university, She replied she had studied at Exeter, so had he, to which he asked about the squash courts, as they were being built when he attended. Her rely "Gosh, I didn't realise they were that old" stunned silence from everyone then roars of laughter from the other panel members.

She did get the job.

Dh best tale was actually an awful shock to a shy reserved lad of 18 at the time!

He was fast asleep in his uni room in aground floor flat, when a girl climbed through the window got into bed an hugged him!

She exited sharply by the route she came, he can only assume she was for philandering Pete in the next room but had mis counted windows!

Once my other half was bringing me a gin and tonic from the kitchen which had a step up from kitchen straight into living room where I was sitting in an armchair just inside the door. At the moment he announced "get your laughing gear round this" he tripped on the step and threw the drink - ice and all - right in my face. He was mortified but I thought it was hilarious once I'd recovered from the shock.
Fast forward several years and we were off on holiday with our son age 5. We arrived at airport parking and they couldn't find a record of our booking so they suggested H took a seat at the desk while it was sorted.
He went to sit on the chair sideways but as he still had his rucksack on he over balanced and fell off the other side of the chair in a sort of a cartwheel fashion with both legs high in the air. It looked so funny. Me and S were crying with laughter. H got really annoyed and kept telling us it wasn't funny which only made it worse. Every time I had almost composed myself S would re-enact it on another chair and set me off again. To add insult to injury it then emerged that I had booked us in to airport car parking at Heathrow. (We were at Gatwick.)

I've thought of another.

Was walking to the station after school with a friend. There was a path downhill to the station with a grassy embankment to one side; this had a path worn into it where BMXers would ride up and along before rejoining the main path. The BMXers were always boys who thought they were tough/amazing (which already looked comical on the tiny bikes tbh). On this particular day, one of them passed us, weaving in and out in front of us and generally showing off. As he stood up on the pedals to cycle up the embankment, his saddle fell off, leaving a double prong like structure. He didn't notice, carried on, and we watched with glee as he sat back down again...

Was in a lecture at uni. The lecturer walked in wearing the most hideous jumper. He took it off.....and was wearing an identical jumper underneath!

Much hilarity.

Dh as a teeanger was driving with a friend on some country roads when a hedgehog came out. He swerved but unfortunately so did the hedgehog, in the same direction and he ended up hit ting it :( there was a stunned silence from his friend and then he asked "did you just swerve to hit that hedgehog?"

Also pmsl at :o
As we stand up to sing I express concern to DH that I won't know the tune. His reply..."Just sing it to the tune of The Vengabus is coming

When I was about 14 I was out with my friends and some boys, one of which I fancied (can't even remember his name or what he looked liked now ). I am petite and was wearing a floral top with a bow or something in my hair, so thought I'd look very cute to skip along the wall next to everyone (don't ask). What I forgot is that I'm extremely clumsy. I tripped and landed in a heap on the floor in front of my crush and all my friends! To make matters worse they all started laughing, but it really hurt so I burst into tears - feeling embarrassed I assured everyone my hayfever had just kicked in. Very smooth...

Funilly enough my crush never did ask me out! But then at 18 I met Dh who appreciates my ditzyness and silly ideas

I have actual tears from First, my father, against his will, wearing a Barbary ape like a rucksack on the rock of Gibraltar

On a train with a friend once. It was busy so we were standing. She announces 'I don't like standing up, I'm worried I'll be ejaculated out of the window' The man opposite was almost crying.

The worst episode of trying to hold laughter in was at church one Christmas. One of the ladies in the choir came to the front to do a solo. She had rather an unusual singing style and I felt my brother's shoulders start to shake beside me and that set me off. I was desperately trying to hold it in and making weird sqealy noises with tears running down my face. I hope the poor lady didn't notice, it was mortifying. It wasn't even funny really!

Friend's DH goes to do a take that esque slide on his knees but underestimates how slippy the floor is and doesn't stop where he expected to. He carries on sliding into the other people dancing who go down like skittles and then into the Christmas tree which teeters but thankfully doesn't go over.

Love this!

My DP sleeps naked. Usually if we have guests he wears PJ bottoms but often takes them off in his sleep. One night my DM is staying over and he wakes me up because he'd gotten up to the loo stark bollock naked and instead of coming back into our bed, he gets into the spare bed and spoons my poor newly widowed pensioner DM.

She's got a pretty good sense of humour though so after the initial fright, she found it very funny. Even now years later I get the giggles thinking about it. Poor sod will never live it down.

Squeaking with laughter at this thread; farted; laughed so much at myself I farted again.

Friends were getting married. It was only the second wedding I had been to and we were all young (b&g were maybe 23, I was a couple of years younger). Also important to the story is that I had been having non-epileptiform seizure-type episodes which were still under investigation.

It was a church wedding, but a different denomination from what I was used to, so I was startled by a very modern tune to some classic words. I can't remember off the top of my head but there was a bit where the women sing a bit and then the men repeat it. I found it completely absurd not least because I was surrounded by friends who were decidedly not singers but who were being supportively enthusiastic.

So I lost it, my shoulders shaking and tears streaming down my face. Dear friend sitting behind me assumes by the uncoordinated shaking that I'm having an actual fit, and grabs me in case I should fall. I am helpless to object or clarify, but other friends who can see my face have realised what is going on and are trying to calm me down and get friend to let me go and meanwhile the rest of the congregation is singing away heartily to this ridiculous to-me-to-you tune.

...

Actually my second most hilarious moment was also at a wedding. Our group of friends didn't think much of the bride, and the groom had had a series of minor catastrophes on his stag do resulting in a broken wrist. It was a smart civil wedding in a very swish hotel with beautiful grounds, everything very elegant and grownup. So when they announce the bride's favourite reading and it's "Wherever I am, there's always Pooh" by A A Milne ... well, Simon snorted and I just lost it. We were both desperately trying not to laugh because nobody else in the room thought it funny - including my DH and his DP. Every time either of us caught each other's eye, or the furious glares of our OHs, we went off again.

Sitting down for the breakfast, we're taking up all but two seats on a table, and we don't recognise the other two names on the plan. Until they introduce themselves as the groom's uncle and aunt, and calmly remark on how much we had obviously enjoyed the readings...

1. London Underground on my way to work, sitting on one of seats that flips up when you stand up. Some builders opposite and one beside me. The one beside leans forward to pick up a spare metro, doesn't realize his seat has disappeared and sits back down full force, landing on his 'arris on the floor, flinging his left arm into me as he goes. The other builders had no mercy.

2. Way back in time I was a prison officer, sitting at the desk with a colleague supervising prisoners meeting with their legal advisors. One of the legal advisors I showed in was quite good looking. My colleague egged me on to chat him up when he came out the meeting. He came out the booth and I got up to speak him, somehow walked straight into the desk as if I'd forgotten it was there, sat back down again in surprise, tried to get up again and this time my key chain was caught on the chair and I failed to stand up again. I gave up and let me colleague take over.

3. One night my flatmate's mum stayed over, sleeping in my flatmate's room. I went out with other friends, met a bloke and we went back to my place. The bloke was very disappointing. As the night went on I began to think breakfast was going to be awkward. During the night the bloke wet the bed (what a catch!) it woke me up, I woke him up and hissed at him that he had wet the bed. He was confused, picked up my coat to use as a dressing gown and went to the loo. I'm now sitting thinking what a big mistake all this is, I have still to face my flatmate's mum in the morning and explain away this fella. He seemed to take ages at the loo. I thought I heard a door and wondered if, out of shame, he'd let himself out in to the street, in Glasgow, dressed only in my 3/4 length coat. Next thing I heard a low moaning noise from my flatmate's room. I went to look, found the bloke standing stark naked in flatmate's room with flatmate and her mum peering out from the bedclothes in alarm. Bloke has got lost in a 2 bed flat and apparently had flung my coat aside in a flamboyant manner. I got him out of there, chucked his clothes at him and told him to get out. He couldn't understand why I was so cross. My flatmate's mum was totally cool about the whole incident. My mum wouldn't have been!

Pregnancy rage at the time but I wanted a packet of chewy from local Tesco petrol station, they were pretty high up behind rows upon rows of mints ect
So in temper I reached over muttering how fucking stupid it was I hadn't realised my arm had pulled the plastic casing off the front and the whole thing came off, it was like a tsunami of mints, they made the loudest crash, I remember looking down and my shoes were covered in mints, the cashier was just looking at me with her mouth open
The whole floor was covered
My partner then asking me "what the fuck did you do"
Mega embarrassing but I think I laughed for a week non stop my bump ached!

Once at school we had a visiting priest conduct a service in the school chapel. I swear he was Brother Lee Love stepped out of the tv. Practically kissing the altar while his hands swung high into the air. "We are gathered heeee-yuh today..." etc.

Cue loads of not at all Godly school girls kneeling in pews, heads bent in pious, prayerful contemplation faces buried to hide the silent hysterics.

Oh, I've got a church one! My one and only visit to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, hoping to be moved by the spirituality of the service and the beautiful candles etc... The next carol is announced as Hark the Herald Angels Sing and the accompanying piano/organ player is doing those musical twiddly bits before the verse starts.

The chap behind me booms out HARK into a deathly silent church about one full second before everyone else and my friend and I just lost it... and you know when you are laughing but you know it's inappropriate and that makes it so much worse? That was us...

My own is from a court hearing. I was waiting for a barrister for ages (it was a simple 5 minute thing) and finally he appeared in the courtroom. The court was packed with barristers as they do loads of these hearings and list them all at the same time. They with him there they called another case, which he hadn't told me he was also doing. He did it in about 2 minutes then got up and left the court. I and the other sides barrister and the court usher exchanged a look. I went to do the fake banging of my head on the table, only to find the table top was not screwed on to the legs, so as my head hit the table, the top bowed and the ends lifted up before falling back down and the vibrating s bit. The judge then peered round one of the other barristers to stare at me, whilst the person next to me asked if I was alright. I covered my embarrassment by saying I felt faint and needed to get some water, I left with my shoulders shaking.

BIL's partner's mum got rather religious after her husband died, and really wanted BIL and SIL to get properly married. Eventually they agreed, telling everyone it will make her mum happy, it's a party people will turn up to, and they'll get lots of presents (this was a big joke, they are lovely non-grabby people!)

Once everyone had got to the right church despite FIL losing all other cars in his convoy, the ceremony started. Vicar intones how marriage should be entered into reverently and soberly (atheist FIL snorts), and not because it's a good excuse for a party, or you'll get lots of presents, or itll make your parents happy.

At this point every single person in the church, except MILIL, is desperately trying not to corpse themselves, and of course the more we saw the backs of the bride and groom wobbling, the worse it was for the rest of us!

It was later when MILIL asked me if people were coming down with a lurgy, because there'd been so much coughing in the ceremony, that I really lost it!