To ask what is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you - as I simply fancy hearing some funny tales / others may too ...

[ginorwine]

I can't say my actual funniest as it may out me to my rl friends but -
One was when I jumped over a wall after several wines - I thought I was going over into a field in my village
But I then dropped in a very relaxed wine induced manner about ten foot into a stream .
My friends heard a scream followed by a splosh sound and another scream .
My friend having been bought a drink by a dodgy man in a pub - didn't expect him to approach her - panicked when he looked away and poured it on the pub carpet ( the swirley wild kind of carpet which was dark red ) I didn't know where to look .
It's a dull rainy evening here and I'm trying to cheer it up somewhat .
😄

An inspired thread!
At work we had a store manager who periodically gave the whole sales team a ritualistic rollicking..after a previous, horrendous one I decided to have some fun with it... I created bingo cards with the stock phrases and company buzzwords he always used. .a number of the team were in on it and had cards...others knew we were up to something but didn't know what we were doing..two managers were also present including our line manager who kept looking at me with a look of 'whatever you are doing you better pack it in' . We kept glancing at each other stifling giggles at every word on the cards. ..we were on the verge of hysteria by the end of the meeting and hadn't got the 'full house ' either. .

Years ago I met an old school friend for lunch.
She phoned me later to ask if I was ok. Turns out whatever she'd eaten had given her a bad stomach which had come on whilst in the car with her mum.
She begged her mum to stop, she said at this point she didn't care it was a busy main road, she really needed to go.
Her mum told her not to be silly and surely she could hold on until they got home.
She couldn't wait and shat herself.
What made me roar was her description of her mum driving with her head sticking out the window.
They got back to the house and my friend rushed into the bathroom. As she was peeling off her clothes she could hear her mum telling her dad and him guffawing with laughter.
She said she was crouched in the shower at this point, tears streaming down her face with laughter.
Next time she went in the car with her mum she opened the door and her mum had covered the seat in newspaper, just in case.
I still laugh thinking about it, only because she was laughing too.
Always remember her saying if you'd offered me a million pounds not to poo I still wouldn't have been able to hold it in.

sitting outside with DB and DD (4) when neighbour's dog runs past. Neither DB or I really looked at it properly, but DD says "why did that dog have knickers on?" DB says "dogs don't wear knickers, don't be silly" and DD says "yes it did, blue ones!"
I thought this exchange was pretty funny in itself, but then the dog came running back in its blue knickers and then proceeded to squat and do a poo in its knickers.
By the time the owner appeared and started shouting at his kids for putting the knickers on the dog I was crying with laughter.

I went out for dinner with a friend once when we were about 19 or so. She stuck her fork in a big fat juicy cherry tomato on her plate only for the juice to squirt out....onto the plate of a person on the table next to us. We totally cracked up and got glared at by the people on the other table which only proceeded to make us laugh all the more. I was trying to tell my dd about it the other day and ended up in fits of laughter.

Attended a holy communion a couple of years back, the priest kept singing 'alleluia Amen' at the end of each prayer in this really familiar tune which I couldn't quite put my finger on, as we were leaving I mentioned it to my DP who immediately quipped 'turtle power' at the end of 'alleluia amen' it was the old tune to the turtles cartoon of the 90's I was in pieces staggering up the road absolutely pissing myself laughing! Couldn't walk straight.

Mine aren't as funny written down but here goes, I still laugh when I think of them!
Early on in my relationship with now DH we were lying in bed (we live in the countryside) when I casually remarked I can smell shit, the farmer must be spraying the fields . DH without a hint of embarrassment said 'oh no I've just scratched my bum, the smell is from my finger!'
Another time he went to a public loo and came out wearing only one sock, when I asked why he said there was no loo roll.
As I said not that funny written down but at the time had me in hysterics as I couldn't believe he would be so blatant on front of a new partner. No poo related incidents in the 20 years since!

Many moons ago I was staying with dsis for Christmas. She wanted to go to Mass first thing in the morning so we dutifully trooped along with our respective BFs- neither of them was particularly religious.

Church was a bit crummy, slightly damp, but service was going ok. We stood to sing each hymn so didn't ever get comfy which began to cause amused eye rolls between us. Knelt to pray for what felt like the umpteenth time and my BF stage whispers in my ear '...you didn't tell me we were going to a bloody aerobics class!'
All four of us lost it completely and were sobbing into our sleeves trying to stifle our giggles

Oh, remembered another. It's a "You had to be there" moment but then aren't they all?

My friend and I used to play badminton on the field outside her house when we were about 11.

Both our racquets were pretty ancient and worse for wear.

During one game, she served to me, I gave the shuttlecock a really good, hard whack back........ and it vanished.

I assumed I'd hit it further than I meant to and stood there peering into the distance, turning this way and that....

My friend meanwhile was absolutely doubled over laughing. I couldn't work out why for the life of me. The more puzzled I became regarding the whereabouts of the shuttlecock and the reason for her hysterics, the more she laughed. She actually fell over at one point. All the while, I'm going "What? Where'd it go? Why are you laughing? What???"

Eventually she managed to explain (in between splutterings) that when I'd hit the shuttlecock, rather than bouncing off the racquet it had simply become stuck between the baggy strings and all the while I was looking into the distance/peering into nearby trees it was an arms length away 😏

These are brilliant! Mine are a bit TMI but anyway...
In labour with DD1, my mum done the loudest fart I've ever heard, we were laughing hysterically then heard the midwives laughing in the corridor trying to work out where all the noise was coming from.
Just after I'd given birth, they cut the cord then lifted her up to show me, I saw the bellybutton clamp and started shouting why has she got a willy?! Then I looked at the midwife and noticed she had blood all over her face, on her glasses, in her hair and it was all over the ceiling, all I managed to say was who's dying, then started laughing. tbf I was still on the gas & air Luckily everyone else found it funny as well.

Heard of a woman who ran out loo roll and used the bread from her ham sandwich to wipe her bottom and ate the ham

Waste not want not !

large pig minge

ohhh I can't breathe!!!!!

Oh, DH just reminded me that apparently this whole 'pirate-sex' thing went on for several weeks until I finally asked him why he was doing it. It was only then that we realised he had mistaken 'pervert' for 'pirate'.

Going back to when I was 15 with my two best friends
We had exams and decide to go to a friends house to revise
We orderd a chinease and had a bottle of wine "let's be sophisticated"
Fast forward and Chinese 3 bottles of wine and for some reason port, we decide its a great idea to get a taxi to my other friends house out in the sticks
Call a cab and get in, he's laughing at one particular friend who is just out of it. We remember we only have £10 so he drops us £10 worth of journey which is near a pub however is a long walk to friends house. On country lane path. In pitch black.
Meet some guys who help us get back after drunk friend one is caught peeing.
Buys us all pints in new local pub
Then proceed on our journey
Drunk friend 2 ( whos house we're venturing to) says its this way here's a shortcut
Proceeds to climb into a bush, hits a fence, climbs back out wetting herself saying "nope that's someone's garden"
Proceed on correct route, meet up with drunk friend 2 drunk sister and friends
Steal some roadworks signs, caught by off duty police officer, who kindly asks us to put them back
He drives off and we return to collect signs and cone (because what's a good night without a traffic cone)
Drunk friend 2 sisters friend, who shaved her head for cancer charity event, happens to be wearing a wig, decides it's a good idea to dress up cone so no one knows it's a cone. Wig gets put on and drunk sister takes of bra and thong to put on it
Make it to house eventually where drunk friend 2s older sister comes out to us 3 dragging sign noisily and attempting to hide it , and what seems to be a drag queen cone, a bald girl and her sister jiggling her boobs saying flip flop

To say I've never laughed more in my life is an understatement

Don't know how my liver survived some of our escapeds, oh to be 15 again

P.s we all passed the exam

She said it put her right off the sausage roll.

She said it put her right off the sausage roll.

I tell this story to everyone so I'm completely outing myself but NCing soon.
Happened to my mum.

When our beloved old dog died we got a rescue dog who was closer to puppy age and wanted lots of walks/runs, my mum was taking him to the park for hours a day and met a few other dog walker friends, there is always a rumour going around where we live that someone is stealing/killing local dogs, almost never true, anyway one of her new friends told her to be careful because someone was leaving poisoned bones out for the dogs in the park.

A few days later off she goes to the park with the dog, he's off the lead in one of those caged off areas for dogs, she sees him go and sniff something and immediately thinks it could be a poisoned bone so she runs over and sees a bone on the floor, she shooed the dog away and got out a poo bag, scooped the bone up and dangled it about an inch from her face, then she shoved her nose in it and took a big sniff (she says she was trying to smell chemicals) she can't smell anything so she shoves her face in it again and sniffs up hard, can't smell anything so she pops it in the dog poo bin, turns around and there are three men in a van staring at her opened mouthed.

They think she has just picked up a strangers dog poo, examined it and then took two good sniffs before popping it in the bin.

When she got home her face was bright red and she couldn't even talk
We always say I bet that when she was shooing the dog away, they thought she said "go away, this ones mine"

I LOVE THIS THREAD!
I was helping my parents at a jumble sale in their village, when a woman walked in with tracksuit bottoms on, and I could see something hanging out of her ankle, as she made her way about the jumble sale, it started to make it's way out, she was oblivious, and I was watching in fascination, eventually yesterdays pants fell out onto the floor- to be scooped up by another helper assuming they were part of the jumble sale 'stock'! I always wondered if she found them on the table and bought them!!

This one will out me but...

Many years ago I hooked up with DP and the next morning, after he'd left, I decided I wanted a bacon sarnie. But with all the pheromones in the air, I gaily strolled out of the flat, and didn't realise til after I'd shut the door that the keys were still on my dresser.

Now what to do? My flatmate was away for the weekend and I didn't have my phone so couldn't ring the landlady. Then I remembered the handyman kept a ladder in the cupboard under the stairs and, fortunately, I'd left my bedroom window open.

So I take the ladder out, put it against the wall, and realise I'm going to have to find a passerby to hold it for me. Around the corner comes the actor Simon Callow and his dog! So, it being Britain, I pretend I don't recognise him, explain the situation, and ask for his help.

He hastens to tie the dog to a lamppost and holds the ladder as I shimmy up it. In a denim miniskirt no less, but fortunate I remember he's gay!

I get to the top of the ladder and my windowsill hits me around chest height, so I realise I will have to literally haul myself in. So I start doing just that. At this point, Simon Callow starts shouting encouragement in the plummiest of voices - "That's it! Well done! Jolly good show" etc. It was the luvviest thing I'd ever heard, and I'm literally shaking with laughter as I collapse in a heap on my bedroom floor.

Anyway by the time I got downstairs he and dog were on their way off but I thanked him profusely.

And I've relished telling the story ever since!

Just remembered another story! I'd been shopping with a friend and her tiny toddler and we'd gone to the baby changing area in the ladies toilets to change the tots nappy (often a two person job, one to keep the toddler busy and the other to do the dirty work). Anyway, as we get to mid
change we're merrily chatting away and a lady comes in to use the toilet. While she was in the cubicle her backside let out a really high pitched whistle of a fart. Me and my friend did the classic thing of trying to pretend that it hadn't happened in order to not embarrass the poor lady in the loo. We didn't do a very good job as to not laugh we had to be totally silent instead of continuing on with our conversation as we both knew one word would have set us off. I was shaking and struggling to breathe with the effort and couldn't even look at my friend or I'd have wet myself laughing. As soon as the lady left my friend breaks the silence with a completely deadpan "and she looked so innocent too!" Took me ages to get myself back under control!

This is the funniest thing that happened last week.

So I work in a medical school & we are opposite the nursing school. There were rows of seating out front. Colleague (Bloke1) fusses: "What's that seating all about?" Turns out to be a photo shoot. 200 nurses turn up in freshly ironed best. Bloke1 complains how nurses' uniforms just aren't what they used to be (polyester ugly practical nowadays, I guess).

Another colleage (Bloke2) appears and regards the milling noisy nurses out the window... for ages. When asked what he is watching, Bloke2 answers repeatedly in a dreamy happy voice "Just LOOK at all the nurses!"

When the dcs were small they were both learning to use the toilet at about the same time. We were at my mum and dads for a family party, most of the adults were in the lounge and my dc were watching TV in another room. I heard one of them go into the downstairs bathroom. I gave it a couple of minutes then said "do you need any help dd?"
To which my 30 year old cousin replied "no it's ok thanks stealth I've been wiping my own bottom for a while now"
It's even funnier when you know that until thedc came along she was the "baby" of the family, so used to getting teased like this. :o

I can't stop laughing about this:
First, my father, against his will, wearing a Barbary ape like a rucksack on the rock of Gibraltar
And this:
She said it put her right off the sausage roll.

I have one - many years ago, when I was probably still a teenager, I was going into town on the bus when a woman got on with a boy (aged about 11 ish). He sat down but she was pfaffing about at the luggage rack putting a bag in and moving it around (unnecessarily). Anyway the bus driver must have got fed up waiting for her to sit down so he started off. She eventually decided to sit down and as she did so the driver changed gear and the bus jolted a bit. She missed the seat and sat down in the aisle, but then she rolled backwards with her legs stuck up in the air and said "oooooooo". The boy was obviously mortified and said "Mum, mum, get up, get up!" She did and sat on the seat with no ill effect, but I am afraid I just could not stop chuckling. Then I noticed that the driver was looking at me in his mirror and chuckling too - probably at me! But every now and then we would catch each other's eye in the mirror and set off again. Wicked I know.

Another take on the Durex dog.

Way back in the 70s my friend was all excited about her new party dress. "It's lovely" she told me on the phone "it's black with durex sleeves and some diamante".

A few months ago I was at an evening chess club, sitting next to a lovely teenaged girl who can talk for England. She's charming. You really can't get annoyed with her. Also at the table were two teen boys, new to the club, who were clearly agog at her ability to hold forth at such length. I was making some attempt to concentrate on my game while from my right came the continuous sound of chat chat chat chat chat chat chat.

At last she fell silent and stared at the board with furrowed brow. Oh good, I thought, she's going to give our ears a rest while she thinks about her game.

She drew a deep breath. She sighed. Then she remarked with the utmost seriousness, "I have this geography teacher called Mr Johnson. (pause) He says I talk too much."

I was in tears and had to put my head down on the table. I kept trying to stop laughing for fear of hurting her feelings, but it just got worse and worse.