To ask what is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you - as I simply fancy hearing some funny tales / others may too ...

[ginorwine]

I can't say my actual funniest as it may out me to my rl friends but -
One was when I jumped over a wall after several wines - I thought I was going over into a field in my village
But I then dropped in a very relaxed wine induced manner about ten foot into a stream .
My friends heard a scream followed by a splosh sound and another scream .
My friend having been bought a drink by a dodgy man in a pub - didn't expect him to approach her - panicked when he looked away and poured it on the pub carpet ( the swirley wild kind of carpet which was dark red ) I didn't know where to look .
It's a dull rainy evening here and I'm trying to cheer it up somewhat .
😄

Students working to restore a theatre, and we'd had a break-in the night before. My mates had cut a square of wood nearly 5 feet across, to cover a large hole in a wall. I point out it needs to vent a pipe through it, but no, they are cutting a hole in the wood.

I argue that the hole is about 2 feet across and anyone could just climb in. Big debate as to whether any burglar could get through a hole that size. I decide to clinch it by picking the plywood up, putting my arms and head through it, and with it round my waist, go "Nerr!"

Bloke points out I need to get it down to my feet. It's stuck on my jeans. It becomes clear I'm stuck with this huge wooden shelf round my waist, causing much hilarity.

Then there's the question of how to get it off. Obvious solution is to cut it with a circular saw! I am terrified and my friends decide there is the alternative of getting my jeans off, which of course would require the guy I really fancied to get down and pull my trousers off. (he wasn't interested later, although apparently he once had been...)

About half an hour later, as someone I trusted was about to saw me out, another lass wandered in and said "Why don't you all take a corner and just lift it off?"

Which worked. After even more falling over laughing.

Many years ago Mil was using a phone box near home, in the days when not many houses had landlines, when she was flashed by a chap. She did no more than end her conversation and phoned the police. Whilst questioning her over the phone the operator asked if the chap was erect, miss hearing Mil thought they had asked if he was a wreck, so replied well he was a bit scruffy, apparently the operator giggled through the rest of the conversation.

Bit of a long one! My dad is the source of many of my funny stories; he's quite impulsive and doesn't care what others think.

As a student I was living in a houseshare in the city with 8 housemates, and my parents lived 30 minutes away.

My dad was coming in to pick me up in his van, which was full of rubbish tools, as he's a labourer.

I went downstairs to wait for him, and met the landlord who had come to collect the rent (which we put in envelopes in a wooden locked rentbox on the wall) and two housemates who were good friends of mine. They were standing around the rentbox, because the landlord had forgotten the key and they were discussing what to do because he really didn't want to drive an hour home to get it and then back. It was a very small padlock (he obviously trusted us!) so it wouldn't have been too hard to get it off somehow and easily replace.

My dad arrived, and got chatting to the landlord while I started talking to my two friends about the last night we were out.

Dad mentioned 'I've got the very thing in the van to get that padlock off' and popped out without my friends noticing.

Next thing they knew, they heard an almighty roar and spun round to see my dad coming towards them with a massive circular chainsaw, no warning or anything, which he used to cut the tiny padlock!

They were both so freaked out, and said later that they wanted to sprint out the back door from the madman with the chainsaw but one just froze, and the other stayed because myself and the landlord stayed put.

They also said they'd never date or mess with me, cos they didn't want to find out what else he had in his van!

My mother once threw a £1 into a charity collectors cup of tea rather than the bucket he had in the other hand. I walked off.

My MIL. We'd taken the then young DC's to the park and I had run the roundabout spectacularly fast and jumped on. MIL caught it as we went past presumably attempting to jump on, only she grabbed the rail, it spun ever faster and threw her about 10ft across the playground. I couldn't stop the roundabout so had repeated snapshots of her on her back, legs akimbo until it stopped.

My old boss asked me to guess how old I thought he was.

Never. Ever. Ever. Answer this question.

1. Family boating holiday; rain is issing down, and has been all day. We decide (me, DH, DD and DS) to go to a canalside pub and cheer ourselves up a bit. We can't go inside as we have the dog with us, so we sit at a table under a big umbrella. All the while we're there, run off from big umbrella is quietly filling the hood of my waterproof. We decide it's time to return to the boat, stand up, I put my hood up...At least it cheered them up!

1. Many years ago at a play park with DS and DD, there was an adult lad with Down's syndrome being pushed on a swing by his elderly Mum. She wanted to go home and start dinner, he REALLY didn't want to stop swinging. I look across, smile at her and say, "You've got a job for life there..." sob To her eternal credit, she just grinned back and said, "Oh, yes, he loves his swings."

1. At University I found myself sharing a lift with a blind student. I could have stuck to "good morning" or "Cold, innit?" but no, of all the greetings I could have used, I had to say, "Isn't your guide dog a lovely colour?" (She was - a really deep, shining gold). He replied, "Yes, so they tell me..."

coming back from the toilets in the colosseum I walked up to DP and lovingly fondled his bum cheek and rested my head on his shoulder as I gazed around. The suggestion of slipping off back to the hotel for pre-dinner boinkage produced a vibrating shoulder - random bloke in creases and a DW/DP next to him shooting me daggers. My DP was in hysterics a few feet away. Worst bit was the couple were staying in the same hotel and i had to endure a couple of uncomfortable lift journeys over the next few days

When we were kids, we were in a restaurant and my dad shook up the bottle of ketchup. The lid wasn't on properly so he ended up totally in ketchup.

Me and my brother died of laughter.

DH's will be when we went for a walk in the countryside and DD1 and I were walking slightly ahead.
DH kicked a pinecone which was on the floor, it went really high, curved down and hit me right on the top of my head.

DH and the kids were hysterical.

And the time I fell in a bush and DH had to help me out. To his credit he asked if I was ok and then said "can I laugh now"?

When (I think) Pride and Prejudice was televised my aunt commented that it was more episodes than adaptations usually are. My cousin pipes up with "Well it is quite a thick book innit".

Did you swerve to hit that hedgehog? [snort]

My sister had a friend who was a right show off. Good fun with it but loved to perform. He was arsing about standing up then to finish plonked himself in the deckchair behind him. It folded like a book and we could barely breathe watching him flailing like a tortoise stuck on its shell! This muffled voice from within pleading for help whilst we cried with laughter, completely unable to do anything!

downwiththat that had me in stitches!!!!

Ok so me and DH (pre children) had nipped to one of those big tesco extras at about 10pm on night.
There were loads of car park spaces, we parked, DH jumped out to grab wine and chocolate the essentials.

I sit in the car and wait.

After a few minutes I see DH returning. I see him walk straight past our car to the very similar one two (empty) car park spaces down from ours.

I'm by now cracked up.

He puts the shopping in the boot.

He opens the door, he then Sits down in the front passenger seat

The final nail in the coffin was that from where I was sitting I could see the exact moment DH looked over and realised he was sitting next to some completely random bloke!

I cried with laughter, luckily so did the man in the other car!

Dh's face was... Well I will remember it forever!

God, I love these threads! Instantly made me think of the time I was on the bus and a woman was sat on one of the flip down seats but just perched on the edge. She must have moved slightly because next thing she's sprawled on the floor and the seat has flipped up behind her. That was funny enough but then every time she tried to get up, the momentum of the moving bus would prevent her so she'd get her arse a little bit off the ground then flump back down. She was clearly mortified but I was trying so hard not to laugh. As soon as the bus stopped she shot up and got off quickly.

When DH and I first started dating, one time when we were in bed together I (jokingly!) called him a 'pervert'. I couldn't figure out why he started talking in a weird accent (he's really terrible at accents) about parrots and treasure or whatever, until I realised that he had thought I had called him a pirate and was trying to play along with what he thought was some kind of kinky role-play scenario! A few days earlier, we had been to a really cute pub by the Thames which we both thought looked like the kind of place where a pirate might sit in a corner and drink rum, so I guess he must have remembered that and... Yeah, who knows what went through his mind?

I love it that I've finally gotten to tell this story as I can't really do it IRL without things getting a bit TMI...

This really wasn't funny at the time ! I was doing my work experience in a local department store and I had to take the lift to get something. There were some people in said lift and one of them did a really loud fart. I found it so funny that I burst out laughing but the more I tried to stop myself the more I needed to pee. And I did..... In the lift and I couldn't stop. I left there and then !!!!!

The time when I threw myself on my bed, promptly bounced off wedging myself between the end of the bed and the wall. I couldn't move I was wedged in so tight, not helped by the fact I could hardly breathe for laughing so much!

DH heard the commotion and came and pulled me out

I may have told this on here a while ago. My DH and I were invited to his boss's very posh wedding. Ceremony in a lovely old church, then off to bride's parents' manor house for reception. It was mid-summer and boiling hot. We stood around in this field for hours while waiters constantly topped up our bubbly. From around 1 until 5pm ... eventually we were allowed into the marquee for food. More wine for everyone, glasses constantly topped up. The combination of standing in the intense heat all afternoon, the copious champagne on an empty stomach - well I wasn't the only one who was a bit ... over-refreshed. After dinner was a disco, more toasts, and then just before midnight there was a hog roast, and beside the hog was a video-ographer, asking guests to film their good wishes to the happy couple (who had long since buggered off on honeymoon), and the video would be a surprise present to them when they came back. When he pointed the camera at me, I found, to my considerable surprise, that I could no longer speak with any level of coherence, so I decided to act out my good wishes in the form of interpretive dance. Cue me gurning and waving my arms about like a pound shop Kate Bush. Well, it was their fault! Hours in the sun, no grub ....

The story or the durex dog!!! That happened when I was out walkin with a friend n her mum!!! Everytime I see the dulux dog I wet myself or when I'm walkin at the park where it happened!!! Can't believe that it's happened more than once!!!! I was killing myself with laughter when it happened but also with a mix of embarrassment as we were about 12/13 n I wasn't sure if I should have known what a durex was!!!

At about 11/12 my grandparents had taken me and my cousin to a local theme park one day in the summer holidays. There was a picnic area next to the car park and at lunch time they told us to go and find an empty bench whilst they went back to the car to get lunch. Me and my cousin were both quite chunky children, I found a table, sat at it, my cousin came and sat next to me and the entire table tipped up. We were trapped on the floor under a picnic table like turtles on our backs. My gran had to duck behind a car she was laughing so much. We were helped up by the people at the next table once everyone had recovered from laughing at us.

Also when I was a kid, I used to go on holiday with my mum, grandparents and great aunt. My great aunt is significantly older and really can't handle her drink. 3 bastarding breezers and we decide to take her back to her room for the night. She is being very loud about the fact that she doesn't want to go to bed when a German couple in the corridor in front of us start shhhsing her, so she says, at the top of her voice 'who the hell do they think they are? Bloody Queens cream puffs' absolutely no idea where it came from but me and my mum wet ourselves. It took at least half an hour for us to calm down and explain to my grandparents when we got back to the bar. Every time one of us started to explain the other started laughing, which set the other off.

DH got in a drunken mood one night after being out and started to argue about the fact that he'd bought himself food on the way home but not me . I was sat on the floor in front of the mirror taking off my make up and he was sat on the bed behind me eating KFC bought to stave his hangover. I evidently said something to upset him as I heard a squelch and looked up to find a mini chicken filet burger sliding down the mirror, mayo everywhere. Apparently he thought he was throwing it at me, but threw it at my reflection instead. When we moved out about a month later I found a piece of lettuce behind the mirror and collapsed into hysterics all over again.

Claim this on behalf of neighbours:

Neighbour walked out to get incar for work onemorning, we all park our cars in arow down a hsteep strack. Neighbour doesn't see sheet ice on tarmac and goes literally flying up in air and lands in drive, then when tries to get back up starts sliding about on ice and not near a car to grab it. Neighbour can't stand up asslipping about so has tolie on ice and fish phone out of her handbag and call her husband to come out and help her get up. Hubby comes out, forgets about ice, stepson drive and goes flying. He can't get up but is near my car so manages to grab wheel, pull himself along using that with wife grabbing him to get towed back up along the ice

When my friend was not well in hospital she would ask me to tell her 'when you neighbour got stuck on the ice' to cheer her up

Mate slipping in step class when we had hidat the back as we are no gym bunnies and flewback into the spin bikes lined up and got wedged in them. Instructor stopped the class causing everyone to stop and look as she had to pull friend out from bikes...i was laughing so much I couldn't talk while my friend had gone so red with embarrasment while instructor was asking 'are you ok, are you hurt?' my friend could only mumble 'No, just my pride'

Also brilliant one from DD (8), stood waiting to be servedinfish and chip shop after swimming. DD looking at where the fish etc are stacked when cooked cooked and very innocently said 'Ooh mum, look at that brown fish that's shaped like a sausage'. When I started laughing and said ' Do you think t mightbe a sausage?' DD was really embarrassed and a bloke stood queueingnext to us very kindly turned his back to us to not embarrass DD while he was shaking with laughter.

a new one to add just happened today.

went for a spray tan to my cousin beauty therapist.

strip down to knickers and step into tanning tent and am instructed to face the back, bum to therapist.

right its going to be cold. palms facing the floor. except i thought she said piles facing the floor. in absolute stitches.

then i get instructed to turn round. bottom of tent is like a paddling pool so i am slipping all over squealing with laughter.

what beautician didnt know is that i had gone to the trouble of purchasing some nipple pasties albeit they were a bit small i just thought i may as well give them a go as is bought them. cue her hysterics at my part covered nips.

I changed careers and went back to study when I was thirty, so when I started in my current field I was older than many of my peers. Consequently my first boss was actually 3 years younger than me. On one occasion, while sitting in on a job interview, a candidate made a joke and then turned to me and said "That was probably before your time, but we remember it don't we!" as he looked directly at my boss. Her face was like THUNDER. It wouldn't have been so funny had my boss not been so clearly horrified to be thought of as much older than me and even worse that the candidate (who was in his mid forties) assumed she was about his age. She was 31! She was a horrible person so I relished that memory whilst I put up with her for another two years. Oh and the candidate didn't get the job...

On a log flume at a theme park.

DH at the front, me behind him, then DSs behind me.

We'd all got hooded jackets on. As we went up the slope, I gently held DHs hood down. About halfway up he reached for it casually, then slightly more urgently. By the time we were at the top he was scrabbling frantically for it, me sniggering like Muttley.

He realised what I was doing and started yelling "Nooooooo!!" as we started down. At the bottom, he turned to look at me, completely drenched, water literally dripping off the end of his nose and said haughtily "You horrible woman".

I laughed for HOURS.

Not me but my sister ... she was going to the bakery for a sausage roll when someone knocked on the window of the house just next to it ... she looked at the window and a man was standing there naked, in the front window of his house, covering his face with the net curtain. This was opposite the police station too! She said it put her right off the sausage roll.

When my son started school, he came home telling me that they had discussed what the class rules should be. One of these were "no swearing". I asked him if he knew any swear words. He replied that he knew two and he would whisper them to me as he didn't want his little brother to hear. He whispered the first in my ear....."shut up". Inwardly amused and thinking "aww" I said "yes, that's not a nice thing to say, what's the other?"

"fuck off" he sweetly said.

It still makes me chuckle now.