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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's never going to like her and that's okay?

190 replies

Elizawh · 10/08/2016 16:15

I really don't think IABU but am prepared to hear I am if that's the case.

Ds1s girlfriend doesn't like DS2s girlfriend at all, to the point where she can not stand being around her. I know this is because of DS2s girlfriend attitude towards her and a real personality clash. This has never been an issue as they both are polite to each other and never cause any problems. Now to the reason for posting...

I made plans with DD and DS1 and his girlfriend for tomorrow completely forgetting its DS2s girlfriends birthday Friday and I promised him we would do something with her as we we won't be going for the birthday meal on Friday. Can not stand her family. Originally we, that being me, DD and DS1 and Gf, was having a nice day out then going for a meal at their favourite restaurant but DS2s girlfriend is a fussy eater and won't enjoy our chosen restaurant. I said to DS1 and girlfriend today that we'll still go out together tomorrow but have to change our restaurant choice to something where DP and DS2 and his girlfriend can join. That was fine with them but DS1s gf said could she be dropped home before the meal.

That's totally fine by me, I can understand why she wouldn't want to attend seeing as she doesn't like DS2s girlfriend but when I told DP he got really angry. He has said its rude and disrespectful, she had plans with us she can't just change, she wanted to be part of our family then she has to do some things she doesnt like blah blah blah. I tried explaining to him that she doesn't like her and she has good reasons not to, we can't force her into going as she will not enjoy herself and will be uncomfortable. He's now saying if she can't find a way to like her she won't be welcome to stay over anymore and certainly if she doesn't attend the birthday meal she won't be welcome over for a long time.

DS1s girlfriend over heard and said she will come if she has too but she'd rather not and DD said they will sit together so she doesn't feel so bad being there. But I don't think she has too.

So AIBU to think that it's absolutely fine for her to dislike someone and not have to attend their birthday celebration? DP is the one being unreasonable isn't he?

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 11/08/2016 19:13

The GFs are dating your sons, not being adopted by The Family.
I don't understand why you are arranging birthday celebrations, surely that is for the GF and her family to arrange and invite her BF.
It all sounds like a very intense, claustrophobic set up to me. I should imagine the older GF will move on soon if she has any sense.

Clairaloulou · 11/08/2016 19:14

Liar sorry I didn't explain myself well enough, I was just putting myself in the OP's sons' positions, so I didn't think to spell it out more.

Your comment came across a bit snippy too.

user87654321 · 11/08/2016 19:31

It sounds like you are all (unwittingly, perhaps?), playing each other off.

Time to moonwalk out of your their emotional drama.

hazeimcgee · 11/08/2016 19:53

perspicacia "i should imagine the older GF will move on soon if she has any sense".

Cos you'd dump a guy based on his moking an effort with you?? They could have been together years, gf's mighy well consider themselves part of the family. The only unreasinable one here is DH

Tissunnyupnorth · 11/08/2016 19:57

I'm so confused. The level of detail is exhausting. Confused

PerspicaciaTick · 11/08/2016 20:20

No, I would not want to tie myself long term to a family where emotional blackmail is part of the dynamic. I'd get out before I was tied to the family by children.

mammamic · 11/08/2016 20:23

YABcompletelyU and OTT.

The whole tone and content of your comments make you sound awful. I feel really sorry for DS2's GF. She must get the vibe from you as it oozes out from the minute you started the thread - and that's in the online world! I cannot imagine what the poor girl is having to endure in the actual real world.

Your DP, on the other hand, has completely got it spot on perfect. If they want to be part of the family, they that means accepting each other, whether they like each other or not.

You sound presumptuous and judgemental. you have no idea why they don't like each other because your whole thread is based on someone's opinion and gossip!

It's her birthday, FGS. You want to spoil it just because you don't happen to like her as much as you like DS1's GF. How insensitive, thoughtless and selfish you and GF1 sound.

I also feel sorry for your DS2. Unless he's still at that totally thick skin self absorbed teenage boy phase, he must feel so sad. He obviously really likes her - is that not enough?

Sorry if this comes across as too harsh - I find these types of things sooooo frustrating. People going round making whole pictures and stories up in their heads with minimal to no actual evidence.

Stop the favouritism. Stop the judging. Stop assuming. Read Crucial Conversations - the 'Master My Stories' section. It will make you look back and see with fresh eyes. Really - it will do you good.

Hope you all have a lovely birthday celebration.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 11/08/2016 20:49

I find these types of things sooooo frustrating. People going round making whole pictures and stories up in their heads with minimal to no actual evidence.

I find that heavily ironic mama

HarryPottersMagicWand · 11/08/2016 20:56

YANBU. Your DP is. You sound like a great mum and I hope I have this sort of relationship with my DCs when they are that age.

I can't believe the shite responses you are getting. How you spend your time and money has fuck all to do with MNetters. You sound like a lovely, close family and you don't need to back off at all. Imagine your DS1 coming over "mum, I want to have a day out with you, my siblings and my girlfriend", you "em, no sorry. MN have said I need to back off and butt out of your life so I won't be spending time with you anymore."

Rainbow · 11/08/2016 20:57

YANBU. She 19 and if she doesn't want to go to birthday meal for someone she doesn't like thats fine especially when plans have changed. I could understand DPs reaction if it was his, yours or DC birthday but not GF2. He's BU.

To all those who say they're kids and they're relationship won't stand the test of time, my BF when I was 18 became my DH. I was 29 before our relationship ended.

WalkingInTheAir13 · 11/08/2016 21:08

Another vote for Crunchymum. She's spot on - please take on board her comments and save yourself all this nonsense.

Italiangreyhound · 11/08/2016 21:08

Is it really likely that these teenage girls, one still a child, will be part of your family in a few years time?

Either way, my advice is to speak to your husband, whose rude comments are IMHP totally out of line... "she wanted to be part of our family then she has to do some things she doesnt like blah blah blah."

Those who are invited are invited not commanded, they can come for some or all of the day. They can leave when they wish, can't they? This isn't the Hotel California!

Invite them all, choose a place that suits all (sadly that is how food works, usually, if one person hates curry or spicy and the curry house only does spicy you pick somewhere blander, or whatever, I know for us who love spicy it's not fun but it's fair).

I think it's most unlikely these girls will be part of your family for years to come so in one sense it doesn't matter! But if they are then your partner's comments are really most unkind.

As an adult woman I would not expect another person to tell me whether I had to eat dinner to remain in the family's favour.

And to set you that kind of thing is really unhelpful, would son one feel he could not bring girlfriend home if his dad remained 'unhappy'? Whose relationship would suffer in that scenario! I expect a teenage son will be far more interested in time with his girlfriend than his dad!

But do, please, feel free to ignore me; my kids are much younger and I've got all this 'to look forward to!'

Best wishes. Thanks

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 11/08/2016 21:21

to all those who say they're kids and they're relationship won't stand the test of time, my BF when I was 18 became my DH. I was 29 before our relationship ended.

I met my DH when I was 19 and he was 18, (we didn't get together officially till I was 21 though), and we're still married. I'm 32. My SIL (his sister) met her DH age 18 and they are still married - she's 33. Definitely worth making an effort IMHO.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 11/08/2016 21:26

Stevie, exactly! Just because they're only 19 doesn't mean that she isn't the one he is going to end up with. She probably won't be though if his family treat her like a child.

myownprivateidaho · 11/08/2016 21:33

This sounds like a complete nightmare. I feel sorry for your sons' future partners, who are unlikely to want this level of involvement from you. Do you think you could make plans with friends or join a club and step back from these kids' lives for a bit.

Italiangreyhound · 11/08/2016 21:35

Statistically not likely to last, but still no reason not to treat the young women with respect of course. My point about it being not necessarily likely to last was there I'd too Mich angst over a teenage relationship. What if it drives one or other girl away! The son might blame the dad. Not good.

PerspicaciaTick · 11/08/2016 21:50

I've been with my DH for the last 30 years and not once has either of his parents tried to lay down the law, intimidate me or give me ultimatums. I don't think our relationship would have survived if I had felt pressured to behave in certain ways to fit in with them.

gillybeanz · 11/08/2016 21:57

When mine were teens I had nothing to do with gf's tbh, they aren't relationships that last, so I was just nice and welcoming. I certainly wouldn't have driven them around etc.

If they are adults then they are too old for the dramas and get on for the sake of the family.
In this case the one with the birthday trumps others and maybe plans need to be changed.

I certainly wouldn't let my dh dictate my feelings on the matter, there would be an awful row if he was like yours, how can you cope with that?

TheOddity · 11/08/2016 21:58

Not related to your original question, but I was close like this to my ex's mum and dad, like one of the family. I fucked things up with the bf and it was so so much harder because it was like breaking up with the family too. Please please for your sons' sakes try to detach a little. It is very possible one or both of these won't work out and it could really hurt you and them if you don't just wait before making them completely one of the family.

Original poster
Elizawh · 11/08/2016 22:09

I've said a number of times that I was arranging things for her birthday because I was asked to. Otherwise I wouldn't even think about doing it.

Perhaps they don't want to ne part of our family but whilst they're with my sons too me I think they are. If they don't like that then of course, they don't have to spend time with us and they don't have to spend as much time at our home. I assume they have no problems as they are here almost every day.

DS2 and girlfriend ended up having an argument and she decided to stay home instead of come out with us so all that fuss over nothing really.

OP posts:
Assquatch · 11/08/2016 22:16

They will never get on

KoalaDownUnder · 11/08/2016 22:20

Your DP is being bossy and ridiculous.

You all need to step back a bit, I think.

AbernathysFringe · 11/08/2016 22:33

Without reading whole thread - if they are teens, why are you involved in taking their gfs out for meals etc? It's not like they 'have to be part of the family' they are kids, they aren't getting married. Nobody in the whole story sounds like an adult, actually.

EverySongbirdSays · 11/08/2016 22:34

With every subsequent post your attitude gets stranger (I've just finished Page 2)

"for a long time she wasn't welcome in our home" - GF1

"I cannot stand her family" - gf2

I can only concur with other posters that you are

a) over invested

and

b) sound like one of their peers

You sound like you are over involved in their affairs and controlling and enjoy the soap opera/drama of it all.

Your DP sounds like a tantrum thrower

I recommend you contact this man. Sounds perfect for you :

www.itv.com/jeremykyle/be-a-guest

EverySongbirdSays · 11/08/2016 22:38

And I've got agree with mammamic it's crystal clear that you like DS1's girlfriend and dislike DS2'S. If it's this clear to a bunch of strangers, it's not lost on any of them either.