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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's never going to like her and that's okay?

190 replies

Elizawh · 10/08/2016 16:15

I really don't think IABU but am prepared to hear I am if that's the case.

Ds1s girlfriend doesn't like DS2s girlfriend at all, to the point where she can not stand being around her. I know this is because of DS2s girlfriend attitude towards her and a real personality clash. This has never been an issue as they both are polite to each other and never cause any problems. Now to the reason for posting...

I made plans with DD and DS1 and his girlfriend for tomorrow completely forgetting its DS2s girlfriends birthday Friday and I promised him we would do something with her as we we won't be going for the birthday meal on Friday. Can not stand her family. Originally we, that being me, DD and DS1 and Gf, was having a nice day out then going for a meal at their favourite restaurant but DS2s girlfriend is a fussy eater and won't enjoy our chosen restaurant. I said to DS1 and girlfriend today that we'll still go out together tomorrow but have to change our restaurant choice to something where DP and DS2 and his girlfriend can join. That was fine with them but DS1s gf said could she be dropped home before the meal.

That's totally fine by me, I can understand why she wouldn't want to attend seeing as she doesn't like DS2s girlfriend but when I told DP he got really angry. He has said its rude and disrespectful, she had plans with us she can't just change, she wanted to be part of our family then she has to do some things she doesnt like blah blah blah. I tried explaining to him that she doesn't like her and she has good reasons not to, we can't force her into going as she will not enjoy herself and will be uncomfortable. He's now saying if she can't find a way to like her she won't be welcome to stay over anymore and certainly if she doesn't attend the birthday meal she won't be welcome over for a long time.

DS1s girlfriend over heard and said she will come if she has too but she'd rather not and DD said they will sit together so she doesn't feel so bad being there. But I don't think she has too.

So AIBU to think that it's absolutely fine for her to dislike someone and not have to attend their birthday celebration? DP is the one being unreasonable isn't he?

OP posts:
gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 10/08/2016 19:05

I think people are a bit jealous that you have such lovely sons, OP. And are ganging up on you for the sake of it.

So not people you want to take advice from, really...

Your DP may have a point but he's still being a short-sighted dick. These are potentially the women you will be negotiating with for access to your grandchildren. You'll never be able to influence their behaviour and you can't start trying now without causing distance in the relationship.

I would urge your DP to forget the birthday meal issue because it's only going to cause distance between you and your son. Whether it's rude or not, they are growing up and you will have to learn to accept behaviour that you may not think is 'on'. It's part of letting go. You don't get to choose how they act anymore.

Trying to control girlfriends using access to your home is useless and will only end up with your son going somewhere else to see her.

grannytomine · 10/08/2016 19:05

Elizawh just read your last post. Just to make it clear I don't think your partner is an asshole, I think he is probably sick of everything becoming a drama and for one don't blame him.

grannytomine · 10/08/2016 19:08

These are potentially the women you will be negotiating with for access to your grandchildren.

More drama.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 19:08

There wasn't a drama until he made a big fuss though Grin

OP posts:
Lasagna · 10/08/2016 19:11

crunchymum No worries haha, was just letting you know.

whether or not some anonymous person on an Internet forum believes me I don't really care.

Think that's just par for the course on MN. There is always someone. I read a previous post about your abusive ex, the one about him trying to bribe your children, so I do believe you and understand how hard it must be for someone to turn around and accuse you of lying.

1stworldproblemms · 10/08/2016 19:17

your son is old enough to get a job. I wouldn't help him out of he had no money at all, no money no presents its simple. If he was working but didn't have enough is help him out but not when he's not earning any money at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2016 19:29

In response to your actual question. It seems to me that your DP was cross you didn't want to attend the birthday party on Friday. But doesn't feel he can boss you around and force you to attend. So he's trying to do it to a 19 yr old young woman instead with threats and intimidation. That's very unreasonable.

Moreover, if I understand correctly, you made plans with her and changed them. Therefore, she is perfectly within her rights to disagree with the change of plans and not attend the meal. And seeing as she's an adult, and not his child, she has the right to change her mind anyway.

He is being VU. Not good for relations with your ds. Be careful op, boys often take the lead from their female partner/wife and your dp is making it easier for her to pull him toward her family and away from you. You don't want to lose him.

Jellybean83 · 10/08/2016 19:35

I'm glad you're ignoring most of the of the bat shit crazy replies on here!

My parents have the same kind of set up with my two younger brothers and I and all our partners, my brothers are a wee bit older than your two DS but not much. We all do family meals out and presents at all our birthdays, partners included, the girlfriends spend more time at mums house than they do at their own home, she has great relationships with both of them and they are totally at ease sitting with mum sharing a bottle of wine while brothers are in their rooms or out.

Don't let anyone attempt to make you feel overbearing or in any way wrong for having a good relationship with your sons and their partners!

Oh and your DP IBU.

Doobigetta · 10/08/2016 20:00

Weirdly, I think it's often the case that very young women are more invested in being part of their boyfriends' families than older ones. It certainly mattered a lot to me with my first boyfriend, in my late teens. Twenty plus years later if I can find an excuse to duck out of an in-law do I'll jump on it.
Wtf are you doing buying presents for the girlfriends on behalf of your sons though? If it matters to them to buy the girlfriends expensive presents, they should step up and find a way of paying themselves. If they don't do that, it's up to the girlfriends to lump it or leave it. Even at 16,I'd have been deeply uncomfortable with the idea of my boyfriend's mum buying presents for me "from him". From a few years older, I'd probably have LTB.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 20:05

He's earning the money by helping out around the house, running errands for me and helping his nan out.

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 10/08/2016 20:18

God Almighty Confused

That sounds like an exhausting level of drama. FWIW, when I was 19, or even 17, my parents only had a vague idea who my boyfriends were and certainly weren't buying 'their presents from me' for them. That's just odd!

AndieNZ · 10/08/2016 20:56

Wow I am feeling mighty sorry for the OP right now. I don't think she expected a grilling to this level!

OP In answer to your original question, I can kind of see where your DP was coming from with regards to "There shouldn't be a reason why she shouldn't show her face at the restaurant and putting aside their differences for the sake of an hour otherwise it looks disrespectful" But I mostly would say that you are not being unreasonable.

You sound lovely and just wanted a second opinion on the difference of opinion you have had with your DP right? I bet you wish you had not posted. I feel you have been unnecessarily jumped on tbh.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2016 21:06

I don't know if op is reading these properly anymore. I gave op a big YANBU as did another poster and she only defended herself vis a vis criticism on her decision and didn't acknowledge what we said.

laidbackneko · 10/08/2016 21:10

OP, you and your DH are both BU. I'm going to be blunt but I mean this kindly.

Stop creating a mountain out of a molehill.

Take gf2 out for dinner if that's what she and ds2 wants. Accept that gf1 doesn't want to attend. Don't make a drama out of it.

Be a grown up.

sami2885 · 11/08/2016 17:35

What Ewock said.

Dp has no right to get pissy when you're not going to the main birthday meal because you don't like her family. Sounds a bit pot kettle black to me....

Clairaloulou · 11/08/2016 17:48

For all those bitching about OP being overinvolved, can I just say I would have absolutely loved to have had a relationship with my mother where she was actually interested in spending time with me and planned things to do as a family etc. I think your comments are completely unnecessary.

OP I think your OHs reaction is a bit OTT and I wonder what the root cause of it is? And I don't think she is BU by not wanting to go. TBH I don't think it'd be unreasonable if both your son and she didn't go.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/08/2016 17:52

I agree with Crunchymum as she said first what so many others have also said.

I really don't understand your desire to be so involved with your sons' girlfriends and agree with the posters who are questioning why you think they want to be 'part of the family'. That is ridiculous quite frankly. Your sons are teenagers and it's likely that these girlfriends won't be in the picture long term to become your daughters-in-law.

For that reason, I think you would be better served by keeping a bit of a distance from your sons' girlfriends really because if you ingratiate yourself with them too far then if and when a break-up happens it's going to be a wrench. It sounds exhausting now and I just don't understand what the 'thing' is about being so over-involved in your children's relationships with other people You're their parent, other people in their lives should be on the periphery - and especially whilst your children are still teenagers.

I completely believe your story OP because I know quite a few women who have behaved in a similar way to you and it was quite messy and upsetting for everybody involved... and it could so easily have been avoided.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/08/2016 17:53

Clairaloulou... how is that even comparable? You say you would have loved to have done stuff with your mother. OP is not these girlfriends' mother, is she? Confused

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 11/08/2016 18:04

Ok i think I've got it.

Original plan was for you, DD DS1+GF to go out then have a meal after.

everything went to plan except the meal. The meal was rearranged and people invited again with the change of plans mentioned.

3 more people were invited to the meal. GF1 declined after the changes were made, having been invited/asked if thats OK?

your DP kicked off over her declining the change of invite?

Your DP is being a dick. GF1 was invited and declined the invite politely.

whatever GF1 and GF2 reason for not liking each other is irrelevant.

The only person throwing a tantrum about the change in plans is your DP.

If this was a wedding he's be labelled a bridezilla.

hazeimcgee · 11/08/2016 18:19

Not read whole thread and all thw why would you possibly spend time with your children comments.

DH is utterly unreasonable
She is not hos child to order about.
She is not a child.

That's all. It's nice you spend time with your teenagers and their gf's. They may learn to run along nicely if they end up as SIL's, it might not be an issue in a few months.

Clairaloulou · 11/08/2016 18:22

Because, Lying, she would have never done anything like this, made an effort with any of my friends/boyfriends or included them (or me really) in anything, let alone celebrate one of their birthdays. As temporary as teenage boyfriends/girlfriends are, having your parents make such an effort with them means a lot. IMO anyway. Is that comparable enough for you?

User545454 · 11/08/2016 18:25

This all sounds a bit dramatic I think you are way over invested and should just take your sons out and leave their girlfriends behind if they are going to complicate your entire day, plus be awkward if they don't get on.

WappersReturns · 11/08/2016 18:44

Everything else aside, if GF1 were my daughter I frankly wouldn't want her anywhere near your DP and he could stick his threats and emotional blackmail up his arse. What a vile way to behave. Making threats to a young girl in order to make her tow the line? Gross.

I feel very sad for her that she felt pressured into agreeing to go if she 'had to'. What an absolute twat.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/08/2016 18:50

Clairaloulou, in your first post you say about your mother doing stuff with YOU. In this latest one, you've added friends and boyfriends. That's completely different. No need to be so chippy.

MrsBrent · 11/08/2016 19:02

I don't get on with what would be my sister in law if I was married.
I wouldn't go to dinner with her, in fact I've walked out when she's walked in.

Your dh is being unreasonable, surely this is better than a scene? Being no contact with her is easier and better for the family than expecting their partners to choose etc?