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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's never going to like her and that's okay?

190 replies

Elizawh · 10/08/2016 16:15

I really don't think IABU but am prepared to hear I am if that's the case.

Ds1s girlfriend doesn't like DS2s girlfriend at all, to the point where she can not stand being around her. I know this is because of DS2s girlfriend attitude towards her and a real personality clash. This has never been an issue as they both are polite to each other and never cause any problems. Now to the reason for posting...

I made plans with DD and DS1 and his girlfriend for tomorrow completely forgetting its DS2s girlfriends birthday Friday and I promised him we would do something with her as we we won't be going for the birthday meal on Friday. Can not stand her family. Originally we, that being me, DD and DS1 and Gf, was having a nice day out then going for a meal at their favourite restaurant but DS2s girlfriend is a fussy eater and won't enjoy our chosen restaurant. I said to DS1 and girlfriend today that we'll still go out together tomorrow but have to change our restaurant choice to something where DP and DS2 and his girlfriend can join. That was fine with them but DS1s gf said could she be dropped home before the meal.

That's totally fine by me, I can understand why she wouldn't want to attend seeing as she doesn't like DS2s girlfriend but when I told DP he got really angry. He has said its rude and disrespectful, she had plans with us she can't just change, she wanted to be part of our family then she has to do some things she doesnt like blah blah blah. I tried explaining to him that she doesn't like her and she has good reasons not to, we can't force her into going as she will not enjoy herself and will be uncomfortable. He's now saying if she can't find a way to like her she won't be welcome to stay over anymore and certainly if she doesn't attend the birthday meal she won't be welcome over for a long time.

DS1s girlfriend over heard and said she will come if she has too but she'd rather not and DD said they will sit together so she doesn't feel so bad being there. But I don't think she has too.

So AIBU to think that it's absolutely fine for her to dislike someone and not have to attend their birthday celebration? DP is the one being unreasonable isn't he?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 10/08/2016 17:43

Seriously. It's drama. Its been drama since these girls entered your lives. There doesn't have to be shouting for that.

But you think everything is hunky dory, so I'll bow out.

PitilessYank · 10/08/2016 17:44

This is fascinating to me. I kept my boyfriends far away from my parents until I got engaged at age 27. I announced to my parents that I was engaged and then introduced them to my now-husband of 20 years.

I think it is kind of cool that you all are close, but if GF1 doesn't want to go to GF 2's birthday event I would just say, "Okay, that's fine!" I agree with you on that. I think your DP should relax and not worry about it.

One of my best friends didn't come to my wedding for a really silly/petty reason (in my opinion) but I just said "Okay, I love you anyway", worked hard on not letting it bother me too much, and 20 years on we are still great pals. We even travelled abroad together this year. If I had raised a fuss back then I might have lost the friendship.

Flexibility and forgiveness are key when it comes to intra-family relationships.

BillSykesDog · 10/08/2016 17:47

You all sound like nightmares and DS2s girlfriend should run for the hills. You, GF1 and DD sound like you are getting a right kick out of ganging up on this girl, you should be the responsible adult rising above this, not bitching and stoking the fires.

I agree with your DP and think it's incredibly odd that an adult and a mother is behaving like they're in a school playground indulging in 'she said, she said' crap.

sleeponeday · 10/08/2016 17:48

I think your DP needs to remember that these are not his children, and if his potential DIL enjoy spending time with you and him, then that is a brilliant bonus and not one to be trifled with.

Imagine how this would sound if a DIL posted about a FIL behaving in that way?

He sees himself as the authority figure in the family, alongside you. But you're dealing with young adults now, and in the not too distant future, he may find he is the one who is not welcome in a DIL's home if he makes ultimatums and orders. He's still thinking of them as children. They aren't. And it's up to them whether they want to spend time with people, or not - for no reason, let alone a good one as your DS's 1st GF has.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 17:51

You, GF1 and DD sound like you are getting a right kick out of ganging up on this girl

I've barely mentioned my DD and surely you don't think that her sitting with 1 is ganging up on 2 do you? None of us are.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 10/08/2016 17:53

And just to add we have never had any issues with DS1s girlfriend what so ever.

For a long time 1 was actually not welcome in our home whereas 2 always has been.

Eh?

Lemonlady22 · 10/08/2016 17:55

i think you are too over invested in your sons girlfriends.....you are going to end up heartbroken if either of them split up.....i know from experience!

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 17:56

She wasn't welcome due to a misunderstanding. There wasn't actually any issues, or at least none that she caused.

OP posts:
Emmaroos · 10/08/2016 17:57

@monkeywithacowface: Surely "stepping back and letting them get on with it" is EXACTLY what OP is doing?
She doesn't want to go to GF2's family dinner so she says "thanks, but no thanks". She then makes her own dinner plan following a request from DS2. GF2 says "thanks but no thanks" and OP is perfectly happy with that.
It's DH that's getting over-involved and dictating that people should go to events they aren't keen on. I also think that with 17 and 18 y.o. kids it's a very worthwhile thing for parents to welcome and get to know their kids' friends regardless of whether they are in their lives forever or not - my experience with boys is that it is sometimes it's their girlfriends or female friends who open up if they ever have concerns while many boys are inclined to bottle up their problems. In this case if the 2x GF are usually civil/polite to each other then nobody is at fault - whether GF2 is a bit of a cow or GF1 is a bit over-sensitive doesn't really matter as long as they can both behave in public.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 10/08/2016 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 18:00

No I've never posted about them before.

OP posts:
Nevaehsmum · 10/08/2016 18:04

It's hard not to be involved when it's happening in your home though isn't it. I bet all the people saying you need to step back and stop getting involved have never been in the situation themselves.

amusedbush · 10/08/2016 18:06

she wanted to be part of our family then she has to do some things she doesnt like blah blah blah

Urgh. They're teenagers and definitely didn't "want to be part of the family" when they started dating your sons. Similarly I didn't marry my DH so that I could hang around my PIL Confused

i think you are too over invested in your sons girlfriends.....you are going to end up heartbroken if either of them split up

I also agree with this. When I was 17 I started going out with a local boy and we were together for three years. It ended badly and my parents were gutted because he had become part of the furniture, basically. My parents then didn't meet another person I was seeing until my now DH, and even then we'd been together a year before they were introduced!

CatNip2 · 10/08/2016 18:12

Short and sweet, you are right, DP is wrong, and probably neither DS with be with their respective girlfriends in ten years so probably not worth stressing over.

Hope you enjoy your evening Flowers

CatNip2 · 10/08/2016 18:14

Oh and as a mum with a DS who has had three girlfriends for over 18 months each, and plenty of short timers in between, it is hard not to become attached to them and see them as part of the family.

grannytomine · 10/08/2016 18:15

I've barely mentioned my DD and surely you don't think that her sitting with 1 is ganging up on 2 do you? None of us are.

It does sound like you are and yes DD and the GF1 sitting together sounds quite passive aggressive.

Why don't you give them some money and tell them to go out and enjoy themselves. Your husband must be sick of it all.

ExitPursuedByABear · 10/08/2016 18:15

It all sounds very childish to me. If I were you I'd cancel the whole kaboodle and get a take away and a bottle of Prosecco.

Having said that, I cannot imagine doing anything with my DD and her current squeeze. One 16 one 17. They would rather eat their own feet than spend time with me.

davos · 10/08/2016 18:15

I am really confused as to why you have to do anything to celebrate yours sons girlfriends birthdays.

I am married and wouldn't expect me in laws to take me out because they couldn't make it to a birthday meal.

If I was going out for a family birthday meal, I would invite them. if they couldn't come I would not expect them to take me out separately.

But your dp is bu.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 10/08/2016 18:16

Oh god, butt out! You are ganging up on her, and worse, you're ganging up on her with teenagers! Grow the fuck up and tell them to sort it out amongst themselves. You sound like a bunch of bullies to me. You are the adult here - allegedly.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/08/2016 18:18

Why is your DH having a go at GF1 (?) for changing plans but not having a go at you for changing plans?

HIBU for this
and YABU for changing the plans knowing that it was likely to have consequences.

grannytomine · 10/08/2016 18:19

ExitPursuedByABear, your daughter and her squeeze sound refreshlingly normal to me.

Mollypollywolly · 10/08/2016 18:21

They're teenagers and definitely didn't "want to be part of the family" As much as you'd think that's true it's not always the case. When my now 20 year old son was 17/18 he was seeing a girl who used to bully my daughter who is 3 years younger than them. She did apologise and say she's grown up since then but for obvious reasons we didn't like her too much. We tried not to make it a big deal and was always polite to her when she came over but we never made a real effort and just waited hopefully for the day it ended. Eventually after 7 months she broke up with him becuase she says she didn't feel like part of the family. The same thing happened with my niece when she was 16, she dated a lad a bit older than her. He had a job, a car and came for a wealthy family. She didn't. Therefore his parents resented her for being with their precious son and whilst making his brothers girlfriend welcome made it clear to her that she wouldn't ever be part of their family. She dumped him after a measly 3 months.

Crunchymum · 10/08/2016 18:22

This is so odd as a few days ago a poster started a thread about getting a gift for her DS2's GF. Mum didnt like this GF but felt obligated to get a gift.....

The ages of the DS's and the GF's were exactly the same as this thread, the GF's birthday was this Friday. It was so darn similar!!!

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 18:25

Can someone explain how we are ganging up on gf2?

She's sitting with her to make her feel more comfortable. There's only 7 of us, we'll still all be sat fairly close together FGS.

I'm doing somethring because my son asked. Like I said, was just going to order a dominos and have a family night but they wanted to go out.

OP posts:
bloomburger · 10/08/2016 18:25

Girlfriends need to get over themselves and get on for the sake of the family, even if it's just being polite to each other.