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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's never going to like her and that's okay?

190 replies

Elizawh · 10/08/2016 16:15

I really don't think IABU but am prepared to hear I am if that's the case.

Ds1s girlfriend doesn't like DS2s girlfriend at all, to the point where she can not stand being around her. I know this is because of DS2s girlfriend attitude towards her and a real personality clash. This has never been an issue as they both are polite to each other and never cause any problems. Now to the reason for posting...

I made plans with DD and DS1 and his girlfriend for tomorrow completely forgetting its DS2s girlfriends birthday Friday and I promised him we would do something with her as we we won't be going for the birthday meal on Friday. Can not stand her family. Originally we, that being me, DD and DS1 and Gf, was having a nice day out then going for a meal at their favourite restaurant but DS2s girlfriend is a fussy eater and won't enjoy our chosen restaurant. I said to DS1 and girlfriend today that we'll still go out together tomorrow but have to change our restaurant choice to something where DP and DS2 and his girlfriend can join. That was fine with them but DS1s gf said could she be dropped home before the meal.

That's totally fine by me, I can understand why she wouldn't want to attend seeing as she doesn't like DS2s girlfriend but when I told DP he got really angry. He has said its rude and disrespectful, she had plans with us she can't just change, she wanted to be part of our family then she has to do some things she doesnt like blah blah blah. I tried explaining to him that she doesn't like her and she has good reasons not to, we can't force her into going as she will not enjoy herself and will be uncomfortable. He's now saying if she can't find a way to like her she won't be welcome to stay over anymore and certainly if she doesn't attend the birthday meal she won't be welcome over for a long time.

DS1s girlfriend over heard and said she will come if she has too but she'd rather not and DD said they will sit together so she doesn't feel so bad being there. But I don't think she has too.

So AIBU to think that it's absolutely fine for her to dislike someone and not have to attend their birthday celebration? DP is the one being unreasonable isn't he?

OP posts:
wizzywig · 10/08/2016 18:26

Please dont be that kind of inlaw. I briefly went out with my husband as a teenager. We went our separate ways and years later met up and got married. My inlaws hayed me for what i was like at age 16.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 18:26

Sorry but wasn't me. I don't dislike gf2 at all.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 10/08/2016 18:27

Riiiiight.... you just 'can't stand her family'.

Sugarlightly · 10/08/2016 18:28

Why does DGF2 know why you dislike her family? It seems a bit inappropriate that you would have discussed that with her

Mollypollywolly · 10/08/2016 18:28

This is so odd as a few days ago a poster started a thread about getting a gift for her DS2's GF. Mum didnt like this GF but felt obligated to get a gift.....

I remember that thread too.

Lasagna · 10/08/2016 18:35

Crunchymum The first time you said that I replied saying that was me. Very similar, I agree, but her birthday is next week, not tomorrow and the 18 year old girlfriend doesn't dislike the 17 year old and gets on fine with her.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 18:37

Why does DGF2 know why you dislike her family? It seems a bit inappropriate that you would have discussed that with her

I haven't discussed it with her. She knows why I don't like them is what I said. I won't discuss why on here though as its personal to her and I'm sure she wouldn't like me posting it.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 10/08/2016 18:40

You haven't discussed it but she knows?! God, no wonder she feels a bit defensive. Maybe if you stop playing favourites, all concerned might get on a bit better.

Lasagna · 10/08/2016 18:41

And I don't dislike girlfriend either. We're just having problems with her.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 18:44

I'm not playing favourites. I spend more time, pay more attention and talk more to GF2. I'm taking her out for her birthday and spent almost £100 on her presents from my son and our family. I didn't do that for girlfriend 1. So if anyone seems like the favourite it isn't the one you claim I'm playing favourites with.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 10/08/2016 18:45

I echo what everyone else has said, you are far too over invested in your sons and their relationships; I have a teenage DS and I wouldn't dream of even wanting to 'hang out' with him and his friends Hmm. Haven't you got any friends of your own age?

Ragwort · 10/08/2016 18:46

£100 on presents for your DS's girlfriend - you must have more money than sense. And why are you buying presents 'from your son' for her? Confused

crje · 10/08/2016 18:46

Ye sound like hard work

Move your plans & let ds2 invite who he wants to his gf birthday.

Heidibb · 10/08/2016 18:49

I wouldn't dream of even wanting to 'hang out' with him and his friends

Well that's you. I love spending time with my children and wouldn't change it for the world. It's not like she is pestering her son to hang out with her, he asks to go places with his mum. Why's that so wrong to you? I loved spending time with my mum too.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 10/08/2016 18:50

I haven't read all the replies (because frankly, half the ones I did read were batshit) but I've read all of your posts. I think it's lovely that your kids & the boys' girlfriends want to spend time with you - enjoy it while it lasts.

1 asked politely asked if she could be dropped home before the meal, after you (understandably, but even so) changed the plans. Your DP is the one being totally unreasonably. 1 gracefully accepted the change in plans, WTAF is his problem?

I would insist he apologised to 1.

I do think though, that something is going to have to be sorted out if both the girls seem like permanent fixtures because otherwise it will end up causing problems.

Waltermittythesequel · 10/08/2016 18:51

My god!

Back. Off.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 10/08/2016 18:53

OP, your DH was put of order. There's no reason for GF1 to come to the meal if she doesn't want to.

As for some of the responses, it's like the DM comments page has landed on your thread. "Deliberately obtuse" is the nicest way of describing them.

Wolpertinger · 10/08/2016 18:57

OMG stop buying presents for your sons' girlfriends that cost more than a fiver.

Your sons' can buy them presents - they are their girlfriends after all.

They need to learn to manage their own relationships which includes present buying and arranging birthday nights out.

And your partner needs to stay well out of it - these are teenage girls, they don't want to be a part of your family, they want to go out with their boyfriends Confused

Wigglewogglewoo · 10/08/2016 18:57

My son, who would now be 23, pass away 5 years ago. Every single day I wish he was here for me to spend more time with, as would any parent. When he first left us I couldn't help but hate myself for how little time I spent doing things with him while k still could.

Do not let people tell you shouldn't be spending time with your sons. It's not lame at all and it's not a bad thing. What I would do to be in your position. I even miss the drama and gossip he brought home to me.

You are doing a wonderful job OP, you sound like a lovely mum and it's so nice you are so close to your sons and their girlfriends. Flowers

BillSykesDog · 10/08/2016 19:00

my 16 year old daughter was only a tiny new born when his abusive father left..

Mmmkay. I call Biscuit.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 19:03

So sorry for your loss Wiggle Flowers

In all honestly, I'm past caring for these replies. I don't doubt how I do things with my children, they are happy and we have a good relationship so obviously I'm doing something right. I'd much rather they come to me and get me "over involved" in all the stuff than not talk to me at all.

It's my money, I can give however much I want too to my son. He doesn't work so I was helping him do something nice for his girlfriend. If he worked and had his own money of course I wouldn't be doing the same.

This post was originally to show my partner he was being an unreasonable asshole, not so everyone could judge my daughter, my sons, their girlfriend and me and my parenting skills.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 10/08/2016 19:03

Sorry Lasagna my bad!!!

Crunchymum · 10/08/2016 19:03

And apologies OP too.

grannytomine · 10/08/2016 19:03

Elizawh your DS1s GF was going out for the day with you and then going for a meal, she finds out DS2s GF is going to the meal as you need to take her for a meal for her birthday. Her response is that she wants to be dropped home, presumably she doesn't like the other girl being the centre of attention? You are understanding as she doesn't like the other girl, your DD says she will sit with her, for heaven's sake if there are only 7 of you there she is hardly going to be isolated on her own. I don't suppose DS2 and his girlfriend are going to force her to sit between them.

It would have been more appropriate of you to say she had planned to go for the meal and she should do that or just say fine and not have you and your DD encouraging the drama.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 19:05

I made a mistake as I was talking about my son on this thread mainly. I apologise. In all honestly, I don't care whether you call Biscuit. I've tried my hardest to bring up my children all on my own and escape that horrid man and whether or not some anonymous person on an Internet forum believes me I don't really care.

OP posts: