Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's never going to like her and that's okay?

190 replies

Elizawh · 10/08/2016 16:15

I really don't think IABU but am prepared to hear I am if that's the case.

Ds1s girlfriend doesn't like DS2s girlfriend at all, to the point where she can not stand being around her. I know this is because of DS2s girlfriend attitude towards her and a real personality clash. This has never been an issue as they both are polite to each other and never cause any problems. Now to the reason for posting...

I made plans with DD and DS1 and his girlfriend for tomorrow completely forgetting its DS2s girlfriends birthday Friday and I promised him we would do something with her as we we won't be going for the birthday meal on Friday. Can not stand her family. Originally we, that being me, DD and DS1 and Gf, was having a nice day out then going for a meal at their favourite restaurant but DS2s girlfriend is a fussy eater and won't enjoy our chosen restaurant. I said to DS1 and girlfriend today that we'll still go out together tomorrow but have to change our restaurant choice to something where DP and DS2 and his girlfriend can join. That was fine with them but DS1s gf said could she be dropped home before the meal.

That's totally fine by me, I can understand why she wouldn't want to attend seeing as she doesn't like DS2s girlfriend but when I told DP he got really angry. He has said its rude and disrespectful, she had plans with us she can't just change, she wanted to be part of our family then she has to do some things she doesnt like blah blah blah. I tried explaining to him that she doesn't like her and she has good reasons not to, we can't force her into going as she will not enjoy herself and will be uncomfortable. He's now saying if she can't find a way to like her she won't be welcome to stay over anymore and certainly if she doesn't attend the birthday meal she won't be welcome over for a long time.

DS1s girlfriend over heard and said she will come if she has too but she'd rather not and DD said they will sit together so she doesn't feel so bad being there. But I don't think she has too.

So AIBU to think that it's absolutely fine for her to dislike someone and not have to attend their birthday celebration? DP is the one being unreasonable isn't he?

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 17:02

I also find it a bit odd that your sons' girlfriends want to go out for their birthday meal with their boyfriend's parents and you're talking about not liking one of the girl's families as though it's common for teen girls to go out for a birthday meal with their parents and their boyfriend's parents.

Maybe it is odd and uncommon but it's what they want and have asked me too do. If they didn't want to them I wouldn't offer. I was thinking more just ordering a pizza in but GF2 wanted to go out so that's what we shall do.

I also don't find it uncommon that teens want to go out for a meal with their family's, that's what my sons want to do every year.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 10/08/2016 17:05

I think you and your DP sound overly in involved in your sons' lives tbh.

Your DP is being ridiculous and drama llama.

Waltermittythesequel · 10/08/2016 17:06

#1 wasn't welcome in your house.

#2 family is unacceptable.

Your dp is issuing orders for a teenager's birthday meal.

Your ds doesn't think his gf was really, truly invited to a meal..

You all sound batshit.

ElspethFlashman · 10/08/2016 17:09

It all sounds massively bitchy to be honest.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 17:10

Maybe we are batshit, oh well haha.

It was DS2 that things 1 wasn't invited.

OP posts:
molyholy · 10/08/2016 17:13

It all sounds quite odd. Ds1 girlfriend used to be unwelcome in your home?
You dislike ds2 gf family for some reason.
Ds 2 and gf are hardly in college so hang out with you when you go to places?

Sounds like you could all do with a bit of breathing space. It all sounds extremely suffocating and full on.

Lasagna · 10/08/2016 17:13

Guess what? Teens are bitchy.

The whole situation stinks and I'm sorry that your DP is being such a knob about it.

If she doesn't want to go don't make her but if she does go then good on her.

I'm not a fan of my youngests girlfriend either right now so we've got that in common OP.

Lasagna · 10/08/2016 17:13

Oh and also, I don't think you sound batshit.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 17:16

Sounds like you could all do with a bit of breathing space. It all sounds extremely suffocating and full on.

I really could and I was relieved when Girlfriend 2 went on holiday, so quite and calm. When DS is with her they are both really in my face wanting to do stuff and go places and I don't like to say no as I never know when they are going to just decide hanging out with their mum is lame.

OP posts:
ElsieMc · 10/08/2016 17:16

Being over-bearing and overly invested are two different things. I have been overly invested myself. It makes no difference, because they will just do what they want any way. You are trying too hard to appease people and it sounds out of hand.

Two girls don't get on with each other. That is their problem and your sons' and not yours. Refuse to get involved. All this flouncing over meals etc shows they have the power. You must back off and leave them to it after this. That's it finito.

Your ds's are very young and it is unlikely these relationships will stand the test of time, particularly the 17 year olds. Don't overinvest and learn lessons from this. They are making things difficult for you and your dh.

FantasticButtocks · 10/08/2016 17:17

Why on earth does this matter to your DH so much? Surely these things should be optional for gfs of your sons? Is there something else bothering him do you think? As long as everyone behaves politely and treats everyone else with respect in your household, surely that is enough. Why does he think it's his job to tell these young women who are not his DCs what to do?

ElspethFlashman · 10/08/2016 17:20

Well in fairness Fantastic he's no more involved than the OP is. They're both acting like these girls are as much their kids as the boys are.

I think everyone in this family has lost all sense of perspective. And the two warring girls are bringing a very unhealthy dynamic into it.

BippityBoppityBullshit · 10/08/2016 17:23

So DGF1 doesn't want to go to a meal to celebrate the birthday of someone, where they both have a mutual dislike for each other. And according to your DH this is a hanging offence.

But DGF2 can say all the horrible things she wants to about DGF1 and is still welcomed into the family with open arms and everyone must be there to ceremoniously celebrate her birthday?!

OP. Your DH is a twat, you can tell him i said that 😃.

FWIW my FIL is quite like this, me and DH (and SIL and BIL2 and everyone who has ever met them) and my BIL and his GF don't get on, and to keep the peace they were always invited to family celebrations, we always attended events they were at. However after a spectacular shit show at an event thrown at my house, in front of my family, friends and child they were kicked out and i have gone NC since. FIL has finally seen the wood for the trees and realised sometimes it just doesn't work although i wish he had seen that before the GF, 40 btw, called my lovely MIL a bitch and screamed so loud my entire village heard

Waltermittythesequel · 10/08/2016 17:23

It is lame to want to spend all your time with your mum at that age.

Have your sons always been this clingy?

I think you and your dh need to back right off and stay out of their lives.

BippityBoppityBullshit · 10/08/2016 17:26

Also to those saying the relationships won't last DH and i met when we were 17. 10 years, a wedding, and 1 DC (and 1 cooking) later we seem to be okay so...

That being said if DGF2 is as needy as it seems the odds aren't great😀

Lovewineandchocs · 10/08/2016 17:27

OP you are not weird and overbearing. It is not odd and uncommon for girlfriends of your sons to have a birthday meal or day out with you. It is not lame for your kids to want to spend time with you. I've never heard those kinds of attitudes from anyone in real life, only on MN. I think you sound lovely.
Your DP is being ridiculous.

sue51 · 10/08/2016 17:31

My daughters would have hated their father and I taking such a deep interest in their boyfriends when they were teenagers. I'd cancel this celebration and leave the girlfriends to slug it out between themselves. After that I would stay out of their lovelives unless it was absolutely necessary .

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 17:32

Yeah they have, I was a young mum(16 when I had my first) and my 16 year old daughter was only a tiny new born when his abusive father left. I was very protective of my sons and didn't let anyone near us until I met my partner 6 years ago so it had been just us for a very long time.

I don't feel were too involved in their lives at all. Again this was to do with my partners comments, not my sons.

I don't care what they all do, it only came up becuase we was discussing plans, times etc and j said I had to drop GF1 home first.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 10/08/2016 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anonymouses · 10/08/2016 17:33

I would say that if 2 teenagers dislike each other but care enough for family unity to avoid each other if possible or to remain polite but detached otherwise then they are both very sensible. Far preferable to causing big drama all the time surely?

I have family members I can't stand but I do this with. Avoid if possible or be polite to if not.

I think her politely asking to be excluded from the meal shows maturity and courage. She wants to make sure your other DS's girlfriend has a nice meal without someone she hates being there. She's not saying your DS can't go either just bowing out herself to avoid making it awkward or uncomfortable for the birthday girl. I would praise her for that level of thought for others personally.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 17:34

Lovewineandchocs thank you, I do start doubting myself sometimes. I don't care if it's lame for my DC to spend time with me, I will treasure every minute of it.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 10/08/2016 17:35

OP, has it occurred to you your DP might just be heartily sick of these girls drama and this was the last straw?

FantasticButtocks · 10/08/2016 17:36

But it is the DH who is getting angry about these girls and their feelings about each other. It's actually none of his business really. The kids should all be getting on with their own stuff and making their own decisions. It's nice to have gatherings and get-togethers and include and invite gfs but surely those invites should be optional.

The only reason I can think of for DH to want to influence the behaviour and relationship of these two gfs is if they are in fact disrupting his and op's lives, ie causing bad atmosphere in the house and disturbing the peace. If that's the case, then fine, he has every right to try to make things more harmonious. But otherwise, he should back off and turn his attentions to something more fun/interesting/worthwhile.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 17:40

OP, has it occurred to you your DP might just be heartily sick of these girls drama and this was the last straw?

There is no drama. They arent rude to each other and they don't argue.

She wasn't even rude when she declined, I told her and my son the new plans and she said if its okay could DS1 just give he a lift home before the resultant(her house is on way to restaurant) and I said that's fine, I'll take her home.

OP posts:
Bomb · 10/08/2016 17:40

I'd cancel the whole thing.

I really like my DCs partners but I wouldn't dream of thinking of them as 'family' - that's weird of your DH.