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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's never going to like her and that's okay?

190 replies

Elizawh · 10/08/2016 16:15

I really don't think IABU but am prepared to hear I am if that's the case.

Ds1s girlfriend doesn't like DS2s girlfriend at all, to the point where she can not stand being around her. I know this is because of DS2s girlfriend attitude towards her and a real personality clash. This has never been an issue as they both are polite to each other and never cause any problems. Now to the reason for posting...

I made plans with DD and DS1 and his girlfriend for tomorrow completely forgetting its DS2s girlfriends birthday Friday and I promised him we would do something with her as we we won't be going for the birthday meal on Friday. Can not stand her family. Originally we, that being me, DD and DS1 and Gf, was having a nice day out then going for a meal at their favourite restaurant but DS2s girlfriend is a fussy eater and won't enjoy our chosen restaurant. I said to DS1 and girlfriend today that we'll still go out together tomorrow but have to change our restaurant choice to something where DP and DS2 and his girlfriend can join. That was fine with them but DS1s gf said could she be dropped home before the meal.

That's totally fine by me, I can understand why she wouldn't want to attend seeing as she doesn't like DS2s girlfriend but when I told DP he got really angry. He has said its rude and disrespectful, she had plans with us she can't just change, she wanted to be part of our family then she has to do some things she doesnt like blah blah blah. I tried explaining to him that she doesn't like her and she has good reasons not to, we can't force her into going as she will not enjoy herself and will be uncomfortable. He's now saying if she can't find a way to like her she won't be welcome to stay over anymore and certainly if she doesn't attend the birthday meal she won't be welcome over for a long time.

DS1s girlfriend over heard and said she will come if she has too but she'd rather not and DD said they will sit together so she doesn't feel so bad being there. But I don't think she has too.

So AIBU to think that it's absolutely fine for her to dislike someone and not have to attend their birthday celebration? DP is the one being unreasonable isn't he?

OP posts:
Cosmo111 · 10/08/2016 16:36

They are kids unlikely there relationships will stand the test of time.
I would remove yourself from their teenage dramas seems fair too childish.

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2016 16:38

So how does your DH get on with Girlfriend 2's family? After all, they might well be your family soon.

It sounds like it would be a happier day if Girlfriend 2 and your son split up - how close is he to her?

PNGirl · 10/08/2016 16:39

In that case may I venture that at least one of these girlfriends probably won't end up being around forever and so comments about being part of the family are a bit extreme from your DP.

Heidibb · 10/08/2016 16:39

I don't think you're over invested. This isn't about trying to sort their relationship, you seem to be okay to leavin them to it. This is about your DPs comments right? Also I don't think it's bad to do nice things for you sons girlfriends, especially if your sons have asked.

Do you know if girlfriend 2 actually wants girlfriend 1 there?

SquidgyRedBall · 10/08/2016 16:40

So the GF1 overheard your DP saying this? How awful.

Your DP sounds unreasonable, and quite frankly if I was the GF1 I wouldn't want to go round your house any more.

If it wasn't GF2 birthday then I would say GF1 needs to suck it up if it was for your birthday for example, but I bet GF2 wouldn't even want GF1 there.

I would not stand for my DFIL telling me where I should or shouldn't go.

YelloDraw · 10/08/2016 16:41

WTF your DH is well odd.

They are your sons GF not 'part of your family' and DH sounds way too involved.

PNGirl · 10/08/2016 16:42

Maybe he's pissed off because he's now got to come out to a bland restaurant with the GF he doesn't like.

NeoShadowChaser · 10/08/2016 16:42

It does seem a bit hypocritical. You won't go to G2's birthday meal on Friday because you cannot stand her family, G1 can't stand G2 and because she doesn't want to go to the meal you're having for her your DP threw a strop threatening all sorts.

ApocalypseSlough · 10/08/2016 16:43

I feel suffocated just reading about this.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 16:44

This isn't about trying to sort their relationship, you seem to be okay to leavin them to it. This is about your DPs comments right?

Yes you are right!! That's why I'm going to ignore those comments now.

Sorry but I do see my sons girlfriends as part of our family. They have been together a long time and spend a lot of time with us.

It sounds like it would be a happier day if Girlfriend 2 and your son split up - how close is he to her?

Probably a little too close, they are together, either at our house or hers, almost every day.

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 10/08/2016 16:46

YANBU. GF2 won't want GF1 there. They don't like each other. The only way I can make sense of your DP's view is that he thinks GF2 will feel obviously snubbed by GF1 taking part in the rest of the day but not her birthday celebration. She might but equally she might prefer GF1 doesn't come.
I'd ask GF2 whether she wants GF1 there. It should be her choice not your DP's.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 16:46

I was the one that decided not to go Friday, not DP. We agrued about that aswell becuase he though it was disrespectful for us to turn it down.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 10/08/2016 16:46

"He has said its rude and disrespectful, she had plans with us she can't just change, she wanted to be part of our family then she has to do some things she doesnt like blah blah blah."
Well it wasn't her who changed the plans, was it? The plan she agreed to was "me, DD and DS1 and Gf, ...having a nice day out then going for a meal at their favourite restaurant". 'The plan' then changed to a different restaurant with additional people.

Is your DP always like this?

grannytomine · 10/08/2016 16:46

If she can't go to the meal then I wouldn''t include her in the day out. Not reasonable to pick and choose like that. It sounds like none of you like the GF2 or her family, I feel quite sorry for DS2 as he and his girlfriend sound quite excluded.

I let my sons and their girlfriends lead their own lives, it was a lot less trouble.

Floggingmolly · 10/08/2016 16:47

Do your teenagers actually want this level of involvement in their lives? Confused

VladmirsPoutine · 10/08/2016 16:48

You sound more like one of their friends than their parent Confused

Cosmo111 · 10/08/2016 16:48

Part of the family they are young adults one just turning 17 the other 19 I highly doubt they will get married and have kids.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 16:48

I did ask if 2 if she wanted 1 there as she hasn't been invited to Friday and she said she doesn't mind, she can come if she wants to. Apparently 1 was included when she said the whole family was invited but DS says he doesn't think that's true and is only saying to avoid looking rude.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 10/08/2016 16:49

To anyone saying that they won't stand the test of time, I met my fiancé when I was 18 and we have been together ever since. It's unfair to call them children and to say that their relationships aren't real.

I can see it from both sides. I think families need to suck it up and be civil to each other because otherwise your DSs might end up resenting each other because of this. However, if GF2 is so unpleasant to GF1 and you aren't going to GF2's birthday meal because you don't like her family, I don't really see why your DH is so worked up about it.

ElspethFlashman · 10/08/2016 16:50

Wow everyone really hates #2, huh? Whereas #1 can do no wrong.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 10/08/2016 16:52

If your DS2 thinks his GF doesn't really want GF1 there, then tell your DP to stop interfering. The GFs will know what their dynamic is like better than he does.
Yy there are times where you grit your teeth and go to events with people you don't really like but this isn't one of those cases.

Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 16:53

If she can't go to the meal then I wouldn''t include her in the day out. Not reasonable to pick and choose like that. It sounds like none of you like the GF2 or her family, I feel quite sorry for DS2 as he and his girlfriend sound quite excluded.

The day is for DS1, his girlfriend and DD, DS2 and his girlfriend have other plans. She isn't picking and choosing, I changed the plans after forgetting I'd already promised Ds2 wed do something. I do like her, we all do, we don't like her family though and she knows why and understands. No, they aren't excluded, quite he opposite. Neither DS2 or girlfriend work and although college says "full time" it's barely even what I'd call part time so they are the ones I do the most with and always come when I'm going out somewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizawh · 10/08/2016 16:55

Wow everyone really hates #2, huh? Whereas #1 can do no wrong.

Not the case at all, you haven't heard every single part of our lives. For a long time 1 was actually not welcome in our home whereas 2 always has been.

OP posts:
Werkz · 10/08/2016 16:58

I find this quite strange. We are talking about a girl of 19 and a girl of 16 who are girlfriends of your sons.

Personally, I think your involvement is way too intense and a bit odd. I also find it a bit odd that your sons' girlfriends want to go out for their birthday meal with their boyfriend's parents and you're talking about not liking one of the girl's families as though it's common for teen girls to go out for a birthday meal with their parents and their boyfriend's parents.

They are teenagers and they are not married. To be honest, this doesn't read like an op from an adult mother with two teenage sons.

Heidibb · 10/08/2016 16:59

If GF no.1 has agreed to go now and GF no.2 has said she fine with it then I don't think you an issue. Obviously it's not okay for your parter to be saying things like that in ear shot of the girlfriend but perhaps he's had a bad day.

It's nice of your DD to offer to stick by GF No.1 to make her comfortable. Hopefully you all have a good evening.