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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

341 replies

AmandaIsHere · 10/08/2016 14:15

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PeggyMitchell123 · 10/08/2016 18:25

OP cannot magic up room from nowhere. Where do those criticising her expect DSS to sleep?

I would not expect the dss to have his own room but certainly a proper bed and some storage space for his things instead of having to go into his dad's room.

I don't think its unreasonable for a child to expect a proper bed at his dad's house where he is meant to be part of the family.

AyeAmarok · 10/08/2016 18:29

Poor you OP.

You've got rid of his room, made it as unpleasant as possible for him to stay by inflicting your toddler on him, and you don't want your DP spending time with him elsewhere. And yet, Bloody stepson won't just take the hint and bugger off.

Not sure how much clearer you can make it TBH.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 10/08/2016 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minatiae · 10/08/2016 18:35

You need to make one of the bedrooms half his. He is 16. This isn't like taking away the bedroom of an adult kid in college. Plus if he was spending Friday-Sunday at your house then he is spending a significant amount of his time there. He needs a proper bed with space in the same room as his bed to store his things. More than anything, he needs to feel welcome in his own home. Because this is one of his homes.

Unless you want to ruin your DHs relationship with his son, you need to sort this out so your step son feels welcome again. It's not right to push him out like this and you have to work with what you've got. If your DS has to share his room with his brother, so be it.

Waltermittythesequel · 10/08/2016 18:37

As usual this thread has brought out extremists.

Saying half siblings aren't real siblings is just nasty and unnecessary.

How anyone is defending this OP is beyond me.

I would have bunk beds if that's what it took for SS to have his own bloody bed! And he doesn't have 'space for his stuff' if it's in OP's room.

It's shit like this that gives stepmothers a terrible name and why I always cringe when a step posts on here. Because the default is for the step to be wrong, no matter what. But in this case it's so far wrong it's literally unbelievable.

minatiae · 10/08/2016 18:38

And as for taking time away from you, he's his dad. By restricting his ability to come and stay with you then you are the one taking DH away from his family, not his son.

BuzzzyBeee · 10/08/2016 18:40

As you have put it YANBU regarding the bedrooms. The priority of room allocation has to go to the children who live their full time but I can also understand why a teenager wouldn't see it this way and would feel pushed out.

YABU about your husband going to see his son. That speaks volumes and makes me question your other decisions as to whether you do want to push him out,

It is completely ridiculous that your husband has outright asked him what the problem is from his son's perspective. Shitty parenting and no excuse.

Overall - I can't say I blame the boy.

BuzzzyBeee · 10/08/2016 18:41

Has not*

Emmaroos · 10/08/2016 18:43

YABU. And appallingly immature and selfish and nasty.
And DH is as bad because he knows how wrong you are but he isn't standing up for his son.
If I were the step-kid I would do my very best to stay away from you all. He must be incredibly hurt.
Your kids are clearly more important in the household than he is and his Dad is going along with that.
You have decided that your children's right and your right to spend time with his father at the weekend is paramount, even though through no fault of his own his Dad has been taken away from his daily life Sunday-Friday and has now filled his life with a replacement partner and someone else's kids, to the point that this poor kid is accused of being selfish if he just wants to see his Dad on his own at the weekend.
His Dad may have become the default Dad to your kids who he now lives with full time, but this boy clearly doesn't feel that about you or his step siblings and half sibling which isn't surprising as he spends so little time with you, you don't like him and is clearly not feeling very wanted.
If you wanted to add a 4th child to the family you should first have considered if you had emotional, financial and physical space in your lives for the 3 kids you and your husband already had. That includes considering where everyone would sleep.
The disability is a red herring. There's no way you were planning for one of the 3 older teenagers to share with a toddler. The new baby was always getting a room and you were always planning that SS would be relegated to a camp bed, whatever stories you are telling yourself about it being only because of the disability.
You're the adults and he's the kid and he's done nothing wrong. It's up to DH to put this right or he will damage his relationship with his son permanently.
If I were DH I would be really concerned and I would be setting aside a decent portion of the weekend to do stuff with my son 1:1 for at least a year or so until I felt things had improved and I was confident he was secure in my love for him and has ample opportunity to bond with his little brother. Perhaps the two of then could go out for a meal alone on Friday or Saturday nights and they could do something together with the 2 year old for a few hours on the Saturday or Sunday morning.
If he MUST share a room he should have his own permanent share of the room (shelves, wall, influence on decor etc etc). If you wouldn't be happy swap your own son into your step son's share of the space (with the exception of wardrobe/drawer space as your son needs proportionally more) and step son into whatever your son has then you know you are not being fair. Its the old 'you cut and I'll choose' test.
Honestly, I'd make your 2 kids share and make the second room a bedroom/study that all three teens could use in the daytime but that was used by SS only for sleeping when he stays over and where he could keep his stuff without having to ask for it from your room all the time. That way your kids wouldn't have to cram ALL their stuff into one room, but SS would have his own space at the weekend.
I am honestly deeply shocked that you even had to ask if YABU. It is so much worse than that.

davos · 10/08/2016 18:45

Yabu. Not about the bedroom.

About not having his own soace. A out up bed and a set of drawers in his own room is not his space.

About getting crappy with him because he won't babysit his young sibling.

And getting shitty of dh visit him. Your family has your dh all the time, his son clearly feels unwelcome in your house. The obvious solution would be for your dh to visit him.

He isn't taking away your dh. Your dh is being a father to his son. Your older kids may see him as their dad, however surely they can cope with out for a few hours/days.

milkyface · 10/08/2016 18:56

PN you said you wouldn't consider them a little brother that is disgusting imo.....

Yes I agree he should share a room but have his own space as I said..

Agree about jointly choosing decor etc. he does deserve a place in the home but he doesn't need his own room as some posters have suggested

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 10/08/2016 18:57

You sound like my step monster mum. I'm NC with her and my dad now.

Your the adult in this relationship with DSS. It's up to you to fix it.

Just curious, why did DH and his ex split up?

Cosmo111 · 10/08/2016 19:01

Tbh milkymy ex has said he didn't really see his half brother and half sisters as siblings as he didn't grow up with them he had more of a friendship in later life with them.I do think it's more complex that seeing a half sibling as a brother or sister there are many factors that can effect this just as when people say that a cousin they grew up with its more like a sibling. People are entitled to express their feeling on their own individual circumstances. I have a half brother, I know very little about him and I don't consider him a sibling I don't even know what he looks like. His mother moved away and prevented my dad from being a father because she had a new fella.

FreshHorizons · 10/08/2016 19:01

Of course half siblings are real siblings - horrible to make a distinction.
OP doesn't seem to have grasped that they are a family of 6 - she seems to imagine they are a family of 5 with a visitor, so it is no wonder he doesn't want to visit!

milkyface · 10/08/2016 19:06

cosmo I do get it in certain circumstances.. It's different if you don't know them or there's been arguments or whatever that's different obviously

Though the other poster was referring to these circumstances, and I don't think that's okay to be honest, it's horrible to think that people actually don't consider siblings siblings because of age gaps or whatever

I agree op is in the wrong and to me there is an easy solution to this, however I assume a lot more has happened behind the scenes than op is letting on and she probably isn't that bothered for dss being there by the sounds of it.

PNGirl · 10/08/2016 19:18

Say you're disgusted all you want; I'm just pointing out to the OP why hand-wringing and saying "He's your little brother," when he's not enough of a so-called sibling to have a real bed 3 nights a week may not make him want to babysit.

Lunar1 · 10/08/2016 19:18

I had some empathy for you until your last part. You have no fucking right to stop him visiting his ds. You honestly put the evil into step mum.

Your husband should grow a bloody backbone and make his eldest a permanent space to sleep and store things in his home. He has two children, and should behave accordingly. What a spineless waste of space to allow his eldest to be erased like that.

Why didn't you plan your move with the consideration of 4 children in the family?

PNGirl · 10/08/2016 19:19

Nothing to do with age gaps! It's about forcing a relationship when it's convenient while obstructing the DSD's ability to spend time with the half brother in the first place.

TheNaze73 · 10/08/2016 19:20

I'm struggling to see this being real? Surely not? If it is YABVVU. It almost sounds manipulative & cruel. Flip this, how would you feel if it was child? Wrong

Cosmo111 · 10/08/2016 19:25

I'm beginning to think this could be a wind up no one is this cruel

PerpendicularVincent · 10/08/2016 19:29

He has no home with you so I'm not sure why you'd expect him to want to stay.

He's resented, has no space of his own and is seen as an inconvenience because he needs to spend time with his dad.

People have 2nd families all the time, but it doesn't mean that their other children should conveniently disappear off down a hole somewhere, reappearing as if by magic when a babysitter is required.

blondieblondie · 10/08/2016 19:33

My ex is getting married next year and I know the plan is to have kids with his partner. This thread makes me dread how that could possibly affect my DS!

milkyface · 10/08/2016 19:35

PN I think the problem is that there is no relationship and probably hasn't been for some time... Why the fuck take it out on a 2yo

Clearly the problem for the dss is OP and her husband, not the bloody baby.

wheresthel1ght · 10/08/2016 19:35

PN. I think the original post of yours missed some vital info about why you were shafting what you were hence the backlash. From your subsequent posts you are entirely right. The OP clearly only makes the effort to include her Dss is the family when it benefits her to have a free babysitter.

If this is genuine (and I am not convinced this isn't a reverse or hairy knuckle post) then this is the reason is Step Mums are given such an incredibly hard time.

This is the first ever step post on AIBU where the evil step mum label is actually 100% warranted.

OP you should be utterly ashamed of yourself and if you DH had any balls he would leave you and stand up for his son

wheresthel1ght · 10/08/2016 19:37

Blondie please don't dread it. Most of us step mums adore out step kids and would never dream of treating them as the Op describes! My Dss and dsd are the light of my life and I adore them just as I do dd. That doesn't mean they don't annoy the hell out of me just like dd does and it doesn't mean we don't have rows like any normal family. However I would give my life for them just like all the step parents I know in RL would for their step kids