To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

[AmandaIsHere]

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

*Of course he hasn't mentioned anything to either of his parents.
My father, relationship with him, and anything that happened in that half of my life I refused to discuss with my mother.
For a start, I was worried that if she knew even half of what was going on, then she would have words with my father, all hell would break loose and I would lose him even more than I had
In my teenage brain, if I was "difficult" or "caused issues" then it would convince him that I really was "too much trouble" and he would just give up on me and I would lose him completely. *

That was you and not dss, dss is very close to his mum and dh and has told them things in the past.

Do you always know how your teenagers are feeling? You see them every single day so of course you can spot when something is amiss, but you don't know DSS well enough for that.

I've known dss for 5 years so I think I would say I know dss well enough to know how is feeling.

MadgingerMunckin

I'm grateful for your help, but dss isn't you. I don't think dss is traumatised by the setup I want things to change because something is wrong and I've acknowledged many of yours and other posters points, but I think you are thinking things are much worse then they really are.

OP it's great that you've realised things are far from ideal for your stepson. He really is getting the rough end of the deal here.

And Mumofthree. Thank God your husbands little girl no longer has to put up with your nastiness and hatred. In all my years on MN your anti step kids posts have shone through with their sheer vitriol. You need help. Because if you enter into another relationship with someone who already has kids that relationship will also be doomed. And any children will be collateral damage.

I've known dss for 5 years so I think I would say I know dss well enough to know how is feeling

You really aren't taking in anything significant that anyone is telling you.

But OP is listening to what's been said and had already made changes.

Yes, she is taking on board some things, and that is a step in the right direction. However, how she can say she knows what he is feeling when she took his bedroom and complained he was selfish to want to do something 1:1 with his Dad every week is beyond me. I think she was probably shocked at the strength of response that she was BVU, but the fact is that if she had to ask in the first place that should be a wake up call that she really doesn't know how he's feeling and if DH let it happen then he is not taking a proactive enough stance in meeting his son's needs.

Lello I assume you're talking to me.
Thank god indeed. I am relieved that I don't have to live with someone (well 2 people actually) that made me desperately unhappy.
That relationship has put me off a relationship with a man with children for life, so don't worry.

MeMy3LovelyBoys thank god they don't put up with your horrible attitude. Glad no other potential future step children don't have to endure your vile attitude, let's hope no one treats your three lovely children the same way.

Excellent news.
Let's just hope that your kids future step mother (s) are normal, emotionally adjusted human beings then. Be terrible for anyone to treat your own children with the contempt some step mothers display eh?
But as long as you've taken a lifelong vow of celibacy that's a start. I still think you should consider counselling or some sort of formal help though.

OP isn't taking the right things on board though, is she? She's still all about making her life easier. Making her step-son bond with her child, making him keep her house clean, making sure his relationship with his father doesn't mean more work for her.

This isn't about making him happier.

Indeed Lello! It will take someone very caring and patient to take on 3 boys.....Let's hope the ex chooses better this time or the OP could find her boys being as unloved and pushed out as that poor little girl.

No other poster has ever made me as angry as that woman, vile doesn't even come close to describing her and her despicable attitude and behaviour towards a small child.

Who said anything about celibacy??

Counselling is a good idea though to help me get over the past horrible couple of years I have had to endure, and to help me move forward.

And as for any future stepmums, I say good luck to them as they're going to need it! I will be able to understand if they feel any negative feelings regarding my children, because I have been there myself with a stepchild. I would fully understand for example, why another woman wouldn't want to pick my children up from school especially on my days while I'm working earning money to benefit my household, Or hate arrangements being made behind her back. Or taking my children to hobbies whilst I could be doing it. Or why she wouldn't want my children to have a bedroom all to themselves whilst hers camps in her room. And if they are skint why she wouldn't want to spend her child benefit she gets for her child on my children's school uniform. Or why she wouldn't want to babysit my children while their dad lies in bed doing fuck all. And I'd understand why after all of that she would get irritated by their presence and not want them around.

Will you also be understanding when your ex has more children so hardly gives you any maintenance, won't contribute to uniform, clubs, trips as he has a new family.

It's not about a new step mum providing these things, it's about a stepmum resenting every scrap given to stepchildren by their dad and trying to ring fence all the available resources for her own children.

I hope he's now providing for all 4 children as I seem to remember he didn't provide much for any of them before you split.

Oh my heart bleeds! 😂😂😂😂😂

The OP must be like WTF about the way her thread has gone because people just can't help but have a pop on MN. I should know better than to answer to your goady shite whatthe

Nothing goady about it, I mean every word. Hopefully the OP will see how badly wrong a step parent can get it (understatement much!) and fix things with her DSS before it gets to the point your exs little girl got to with you, treated like shit and resented for her very existence.

I really do hope for your boys sake though that he doesn't meet someone and have more children, because the same thing will probably happen to your boys and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Good luck with it all