Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

341 replies

AmandaIsHere · 10/08/2016 14:15

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 10/08/2016 16:53

Used to be, thank god.

Memoires · 10/08/2016 16:59

A camp bed in someone else's room is fine for a stay of a few days once a year or so. Our exchange student stayed on a camp bed in dd's room (well, dd used the camp bed). That's OK.

A permanent member of the family however, needs permanent space. If you had 2 children of the same sex, and you sent the older one to boarding school, would you put him on a camp bed in your other child's room when he was home? No you wouldn't. He'd have his own space, even though he isn't there a lot of the time.

Treat your dss the same way. Your home is his home - or it should be. Christ Almighty, he's your husband's son, not some inconvenient adolescent you're giving charity to.

NoFuchsGiven · 10/08/2016 17:02

I might be wrong but I think Op has deleberately pursuaded her dh to move miles away to a smaller house with the promise that his ds would have his own room, only now she has changed the goalpost and understandably her dh is pissed off.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 10/08/2016 17:04

OP cannot magic up room from nowhere. Where do those criticising her expect DSS to sleep?

This is usually something that most responsible parents consider when moving house isn't it?

There's a huge difference between moving from having his own bedroom to a shared room and from having his own room to being given no space at all. I don't think the OP and her DH could have found a more effective way to signal to the DSS that he isn't really part of their family.

I'm not sure it's particularly unreasonable for a teenager to feel the way he does in the situation the OP has outlined.

Cheby · 10/08/2016 17:05

OP YABU about some things and YANBU about others.

People on these threads get really carried away IMO. Like asking why you moved to a house that doesn't accommodate everyone. It's like posters simply can't imagine a situation where money, and therefore number of bedrooms, might be limited. It also makes zero sense to have a bedroom empty most of the time and force other kids to share.

But I agree your step son should have his own permanent space somewhere in your house, with a place to leave his stuff (in your room isn't really good enough.)

I visited my dad and step mum growing up, I stayed in my step sister's room. I didn't expect my own room, my own room was at home with my mum, where i spent the majority of my time. I never felt left out because of it, it's just common sense.

Cheby · 10/08/2016 17:06

I might be wrong but I think Op has deleberately pursuaded her dh to move miles away to a smaller house with the promise that his ds would have his own room, only now she has changed the goalpost and understandably her dh is pissed off.

That's just wild speculation. We can all make random assumptions about OP, it doesn't really help.

madgingermunchkin · 10/08/2016 17:06

I will never understand why women marry men with children and then resent those poor kids. They do not ask to be put in this situation, they just get expected to put up with it.

Poor lad. No wonder he wants nothing to do with you.

NoFuchsGiven · 10/08/2016 17:09

x poxt with Dragons!

There's a lot of threads on here re new houses that just so happen to not have enough rooms for the step children. It's like its a calculated move so the step parent can phase them out and the parent goes along with it as there adult wants come first.

This^^

We have just moved house 2 weeks ago, 50 miles from where dss lives (we were already 40 miles) but every one of our children was thought about before we decided to buy this house. In fact it is my own child who shit out, he is 19 so considering a room for him was not a factor.In fact we dont even have a 'bedroom' we are sleeping in the dining room, All the kids have rooms upstairs though with proper beds! Nothing has changed and dss still comes regularily as he is part of the family!

Just thinking about it again though, you leave your 2 year old child to sleep on his own downstairs whilst everyone else have their own rooms upstairs?

emotionsecho · 10/08/2016 17:10

Stepson can't win can he? He has no room of his own or even space to himself if he does come over so therefore is quite clearly not part of the family, when he comes and wants to spend time with his dad that's not acceptable instead, according to OP, he should want to, and be, looking after his step brother, and if he decides not to come over and wants his dad to come to him, OP decides he is selfish and unreasonable.

Admit it OP, you neither like, want nor care a jot about your stepson and his feelings.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/08/2016 17:15

Yabvu he is pushed out by you, you don't sound like you like him very much,he probably senses that. You want him to look after a baby you chose to have with his dad, and he has profound needs at that. That is not on. The only way for a relationship with his dad, is to see him on his own outside your home from time to time, yet your unhappy with that. Come on op, his dad has a right for a relationship with his son, that is better away from the home.

IJustLostTheGame · 10/08/2016 17:22

Yabu.
You should have told one of your kids whoever gets the bigger room has to share, with dss.
Then you should have got a bed with storage underneath for him and space in a wardrobe.
I understand about not wanting to have an empty bedroom most of the time and cramming two teenagers into one space full time but you haven't made adequate provision. You haven't considered dss at all.
Poor dss. He's being accused of being selfish for wanting to see his dad. He's given no space at one of his homes and expected to provide childcare to boot. I can't imagine ANY 16 year old lads wanting to look after a 2 year old. And a two year old needing extra care is too much to expect.
My 3 year old is fully able but I still wouldn't EXPECT my 16 year old dsd to mind her, ever.

Potentialmadcatlady · 10/08/2016 17:31

Poor poor boy... There's no way I would be allowing my 16 year old put up with that..I would just keep him where he is loved and cared for...his 'father' needs to step up and provide for him...

milkyface · 10/08/2016 17:31

Why is dss more important than ops children?

He's there part time, they're there full time yet he should have his own room that sits empty most of the time while the other two share?

That makes fuck all sense to anyone

Why not give the biggest room one one of ops kids and put a permanent bed in there and wardrobe/draws whatever so he does have his own space.... But still does have to share just as everyone wants ops kids to do.

Really don't understand why step children are regarded as so much more important then non step children, they should be treated the same not treated better because they're not resident.

milkyface · 10/08/2016 17:33

Oh and whoever said they wouldn't consider a younger half sibling a sibling.... You're fucking disgusting.

I have a half sibling a considerable amount of years younger than me and I love him to bits? Why the fuck wouldn't i..........

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 10/08/2016 17:41

milky I agree it makes no sense that the Stepson has his own room. Even if he lived there full time it would make no sense because he can share with one of the OP's teenagers.
The 2 year old needs that room more than he does and in any "together" family it would be the same.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 10/08/2016 17:44

What gender are the Op's children?

FuckFaceMagee · 10/08/2016 17:46

Hmm, yabu

AddToBasket · 10/08/2016 17:50

YABU.

emotionsecho · 10/08/2016 17:54

milky the stepson now has no space to call his own, he has a put up bed in what is clearly someone else's room and has to store his possessions in his father and stepmother's room. It is not about being more important it is about being treated equally and as a welcome member of the family, at the moment he is being treated as someone who doesn't belong, isn't part of the family and is a guest who has to be put up with.

RichardBucket · 10/08/2016 17:58

That poor boy. Sad

BlueLeopard · 10/08/2016 18:15

milkyface

I'm from a family where bedrooms were shared. I've no issue with that. I do have an issue with a child only getting a temporary camp bed in his stepbrothers room and his stuff in a bag in his parents room.

If it was a shared room where both boys chose the decor and where both boys had real beds and storage for their things then that would be ok. Having said that I think that if the stepbrothers don't know each other all that well its fairer to have the two who have been brothers all their lives sharing.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 10/08/2016 18:17

I don't think most people are saying that he should have his own room, milky. That wouldn't make sense.

But he should have at least a shared room. At t he moment he doesn't even have that.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 10/08/2016 18:20

TBH most people would give more space to guests in their house than the OP and her DH have given his son.

ayeokthen · 10/08/2016 18:22

As a fellow step mum with limited room I have to say I think YABU. A fold out bed is not his own space, if you talk to him the way you talk about him no wonder he doesn't want to come. Our 2 DSDs come regularly and they share a room with DD3. We've made sure is everyone's space, with drawers, bedding, posters, toys etc for each of them. They are welcome here, they're as much part of the family as their brothers and sister. If you take on a man with kids, you make room for his kids. If not, don't be with him.

PNGirl · 10/08/2016 18:24

Fucking disgusting eh? Cheers for that.

When they're older he probably will be more willing to help and I'm sure they'll have a great relationship in the future, but the OP leaning on him to help with the care on the weekends he is here by saying "He won't even help with his little brother" is unfair. I'm guessing stepson is an only child and he's suddenly supposed to feel a responsibility to a small child he doesn't live with? No. That child would feel like another step sibling to me as a teenager. No idea what this particular boy feels mind.