To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

[AmandaIsHere]

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

That just gives you a new target for the nagging - DH instead of DSS!!

Amanad trying to logic and reason "well this is how it is" isn't going to work. if this was a discussion about your DSD and her anorexia, chances are you would be doing your best to understand her issues from her point of view and understand why she has the issues she has.
This is exactly the same. This is about what is going on inside DSS's head.

Your DH also has a lot to do. I can't tell you how much difference it made to me having a drunken voicemail from my father one night telling me I wish I was sober enough to tell you how much I love you". I sobbed my heart out and went a huge way to making a difference in our issues.

It's also a much bigger emotional trauma to go from being a long time only child who has been accustomed to being his parents' first priority than it is for children who are already used to having siblings. That can be tough even when it happens in an intact family.

I agree I think it must be hard going from being with mum where you are an only child and can be her top piority 24/7 to being I wouldn't say bottom of the pecking order but I would say that he is below ds 3 in terms of me and dh priorities simply because he is younger and has a disability. I would say if you take ds out of the picture then all of the children are pretty equal in terms of attention and piorities.

Dad allowing him to discuss his frustration/anger/sadness about the loss of his nuclear family, Dad's move to live further away,

They have been separated for quite some time now and I am sure would have spoken about this before I was even on the scene.

We moved about 4 miles further away we are only 12 miles apart it is not that far. We had to move because we were renting previously and we decided to buy. We also moved for better transport connections as dh needs to commute by train into London. But really not that far.

Dad and telling Dad he's frustrated/sad/feeling excluded is more constructive than focussing them on his little brother.

I agree but I think that is up to dh to do, I will bring it up with him.

That just gives you a new target for the nagging - DH instead of DSS!!

I have to nag otherwise the clutter would build up to unimaginable levels.

Hat off to you Amanda for coming back and answering a lot of the questions of people, I really hope that you all can resolve this and find a happy medium. I do think that dss has to muck in, and clean up after himself, and respect your house. It is good that he is getting one on one time with his dad, I don't think its unreasonable that from time to time, he helps you with his little brother I hope that he can develop a good relationship with him in the future.

I have been reading this thread and first of all I think what op has done is really positive she has had the courage to come back to the thread and has made changes and generally has done some stuff to improve the situation which is good.

I am a step-parent I would say that I agree with Emmaroos. I think your dss is feeling replaced and has been left out of your family. How is his relationship with your boys, you mention his relationship with youngest but are the other relationships good, average or bad between your teens and him.

Sorry you mentioned that dss mums family lives abroad. Is she also from another culture that could impact how he is at your house in terms of the laziness. I am just thinking of my friends step son who's mum is from a foreign background many cultures make children to many tasks and so he may consider your house much is more liberal and so think it is okay to do nothing and be lazy or I could just be excusing teenage laziness .

But your DSS doesn't feel like his is equal priority. In his mind, his dad has got married to someone else and replaced him with a new baby, who also needs even more care because of his disabilities.

It does not matter if you say this is not the case. You can claim that they are equal until you are blue in the face but until DSS feels like he is equal priority, nothing is going to change because in his mind he isn't.

And they may have been apart for years before you came on the scene, but that doesn't make the slightest bit of difference. He still has to go from being the only child on both situations, to being the only child that does not live with his dad full time
That's bloody hard for any kid.

How is his relationship with your boys, you mention his relationship with youngest but are the other relationships good, average or bad between your teens and him.

I would say that it's okay I would say dss will do things with them and talk to them but they don't have much in common. My boys did go through phase early on where they didn't want much to do with dss and would exclude him but that was at the very start of the relationship and hasn't happened in many years.

Sorry you mentioned that dss mums family lives abroad. Is she also from another culture that could impact how he is at your house in terms of the laziness. I am just thinking of my friends step son who's mum is from a foreign background many cultures make children to many tasks and so he may consider your house much is more liberal and so think it is okay to do nothing and be lazy or I could just be excusing teenage laziness

Dss mum is originally from Lebanon I know very little about how it is in her home. I think that dss should do basic stuff I would be very surprised if his mum let him do absolutely nothing like he does when he is here.

And they may have been apart for years before you came on the scene, but that doesn't make the slightest bit of difference. He still has to go from being the only child on both situations, to being the only child that does not live with his dad full time
That's bloody hard for any kid.

I agree but what's to be done about it? We can't make him a full only child again. He will have to get use to it with support and reassurance from dh.

He isn't getting support and reassurance though is he?

He has seen his dad move further away, gain new step children, a half sibling and a step mother who clearly resents him as bought a house knowoing he would have no room there and who resents 1:1 time. Making a room now just makes it look like he's an inconvenience that has to be fitted in.

It's all about him having to adjust, him having to do chores, him having to bond with your new child. He's just a child, you should be doing the adjusting and his dad not him.

Whats to be done about it?

Try being a damn sight more understanding about how you've turned his world on his head, replaced him, pushed him out, made it clear you're not keen on having him around unless he's going to babysit a disabled toddler he barely knows, that he needs to spend quality 1:1 time every single week with his father, and make a fucking effort

You don't even appear to be trying to understand why he's so upset. It's pretty damn obvious in your writing that you don't care and he just has to lump it and stop rocking the boat, so I dread to think how clear it is to him.

If you were any friend of mine I'd have slapped you long before now. How the fuck can you be so damn unfeeling about a child in your family

If you're own DC weren't welcoming that will stick in DSS which is why maybe he doesn't want them there when he has one to one time. He feels an outsider who just visits

Madg excellently put.

I wonder what the OP would say if things were reversed and her children had no rooms, weren't allowed to spend one on one time with her etc. I'm guessing she wouldn't be using the phrase "get used to it"

I never was against 1:1, I was against every visit being 1:1 have you read the whole thread.

I do understand how I could have made him feel, I apologised to him. We always planned to extend once we brought, do any of you know how much a 5 bed house would cost in this area?

I can't win if we move to far away (where property is cheaper) we are told that is bad if we buy a house and plan to extend it we are told that is also bad.

Dss is not a snowflake, I don't know how he feels I am not his mum I'm not his dad. If things were that bad he would have gone back as soon as possible to mums, instead he's decided to stay all week. I think we posters are making out he is living in hell and it simply is not true.

Yes I think that only child thing, yes I think my children could make ds feel replaced and less important, yes yes and yes.

How am I suppose to know what he is feeling if he isn't showing it. But dh talks to dss mum weekly and she has not mentioned to dh anything Dss hasn't told dh anything even after me asking him to bring up how he feels with him. I am trying if I didn't care about him I wouldn't of come back to this thread I would of taken him training.

We can't make him a full only child again
No, but your DH's problem is that DSS can very easily make himself a full only child again if what's on offer in your household doesn't appeal. DSS simply has to decide he doesn't want to be part of it and stop visiting.

OFGS, OP is doing her best but some posters are determined to try to make her feel bad. Ignore them, OP. You've made some changes and will be making more. DSS has decided to stay the week, which is lovely.

I think some here want him to be unhappy so they can gloat.

The bottom line is that while it is great that you are thinking about it more now, it is only DH who can deal with this. At 16 it is unlikely he is telling his Mum anything much about what goes on in your household and it's unlikely he will be able to articulate much to his Dad at the start until DH opens those lines of communication.

*We can't make him a full only child again
No, but your DH's problem is that DSS can very easily make himself a full only child again if what's on offer in your household doesn't appeal. DSS simply has to decide he doesn't want to be part of it and stop visiting. *

I agree he could but he hasn't this week which is a good sign.

I think some here want him to be unhappy so they can gloat.

I agree they are making it out to be hell here.

TheSilverChair My guess from reading the posts is that there are many here who have felt in the past very like much as they imagine DSS feels now and are doing their very best to try to make OP see things from DSS's POV.
When that's the case it's a pretty raw and emotional subject even many, many years later. I can't speak for anyone else, but I would desperately like OP's stepson never to feel what I went felt for many years.
It isn't the case that he has to be completely indulged or waited on hand and foot, but it is almost impossible for OP to resolve the housekeeping issues and the issue of his non-relationship with his little brother if she isn't able to step away from the narrative that he's a selfish teen who just needs to learn to get on with it.
Ultimately though while she can certainly help DSS feel welcome it is her husband whose attention DSS needs and is seeking.
I think/hope that progress has been made and I do believe that OP is making an effort.

Of course he hasn't mentioned anything to either of his parents.
My father, relationship with him, and anything that happened in that half of my life I refused to discuss with my mother.
For a start, I was worried that if she knew even half of what was going on, then she would have words with my father, all hell would break loose and I would lose him even more than I had
In my teenage brain, if I was "difficult" or "caused issues" then it would convince him that I really was "too much trouble" and he would just give up on me and I would lose him completely.

Do you always know how your teenagers are feeling? You see them every single day so of course you can spot when something is amiss, but you don't know DSS well enough for that.

Him staying is a good sign, it means you've made a good start but that's all it is. A start . You can't sit back now and think it's all been sorted and job done. You need to keep building on this.

And no, you're not either his mum or dad, but you are in a guardian position. So you should be working on building a relationship with him, as the mother of his brother.

16 is a shitty age for everyone. It's confusing and embarrassing enough as it is. How would you feel if it was your son in his position?

but it is almost impossible for OP to resolve the housekeeping issues and the issue of his non-relationship with his little brother if she isn't able to step away from the narrative that he's a selfish teen who just needs to learn to get on with it.

But it's not just dss most teens are lazy and selfish at times. That's not an issue but my and dss relationship would improve if it sorted out. I am leaving it up to dh to sort it out like I said I'm not nagging anymore.

We're not trying to make it out to be hell, or too gloat.

But having been in your DSS's position, and knowing the emotional trauma it causes, we are desperately trying to help you see things from his point of view, just as we wish someone could have done for us.
We are trying to help you build the happy, cohesive, blended families we all wish we could have had