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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

341 replies

AmandaIsHere · 10/08/2016 14:15

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 10/08/2016 15:52

The DSS should be sharing with one of the teenagers. Otherwise where is the 2 year old supposed to sleep?? The 2 year old lives there full time so should have his own bedroom whereas the DSS does not. If it was his room it will not be used everyday and it will be space wasted whilst a 2 year old either shares with mum and dad or a much older sibling. That would be ok though as long as it doesn't "inconvenience" the DSS who is only there part time though wouldn't it Hmm
Some people just seem to think stepchildren should have everything to the detriment of everyone else. Does he have his own room at his mum's OP?

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 10/08/2016 15:53

When I say stepchildren, I mean NR stepchildren.

Lorelei76 · 10/08/2016 15:55

if your DH blames you for all of it, this is odd, because your DH agreed to the arrangements - I note you've not explained why you moved - and it sounds like he didn't like them so I wonder why he went along with them anyway.

I see he tried to get the other 2 to share so I suppose he's annoyed about that....you definitely must not stop him from spending time his son outside of your home.

I think being a teen with a baby sibling must be a total mare, step or not. I also remember being a very busy person at 16, on top of all the shit you have to do, you have, hopefully, a good social life and hobbies etc. So yes, time might have something to do with it but that's even more reason it's not fun for him to stay in a home that hasn't got room for him.

You say you "clash" - how? and is that why he doesn't want to come on hoiday with all of you?

your DH needs to take responsibility for this too so I guess if he is blaming you exclusively, that's wrong.

PNGirl · 10/08/2016 15:56

YABU. I would have had zero interest in a baby my dad had with another woman when I was 14 and definitely wouldn't consider them my "little brother".

QuiteLikely5 · 10/08/2016 15:57

Don't come between a parent and child - on some level you have and now your relationship with your husband is paying the price.

You don't sound very warm towards the boy and that will come across to him.

Better to make a positive contribution to a child's life than a negative one.

I don't think he should be frowned upon either for not fawning over your two year old!

In all yabu

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 15:58

I hope he gets lots of support from his mum and friends and does have a great life too special

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 10/08/2016 16:02

Are you my ex dps wife? Or did you maybe go to the same school of step parenting?

Ex and I have 2 DS, 11 and 9. They no longer sleep over as they were only 'allowed' the sofas to sleep on as her DS didn't like sharing his bedroom. They've chosen to only visit for the day time now.

Their dad dis nothing with them without his dsc coming too. Apparently they get left out and it's not fair. The fact they get to see him everyday of the week is irrelevant apparently.

A few times ex has cancelled his contact as they've got a 'family event' Hmm

The result of all this is I have 2 angry, upset and hurt children who are, increasingly often, opting not to see their dad. I guess luckily for them they've got me and my dp who would die for them. Plus my amazing family who make them feel cherished and special every day.

FithColumnist · 10/08/2016 16:02

Suspect OP isn't coming back...

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 10/08/2016 16:05

Poor lad, have no idea why he would stop visiting Hmm

If it's true, his dad needs to man up and either find a place where he can have a bedroom and spend some decent alone time with him. I'd have left the moment you made it very clear he was only seen as a babysitter not a part of the family. Any adult that puts their new partner before their child doesn't deserve the title parent.

TheHoneyBadger · 10/08/2016 16:10

it's not that 'part time' - he spent every single weekend at his dad's until they moved into a house knowing there wouldn't be room for him in it.

can't imagine why he doesn't feel welcome.

Doggity · 10/08/2016 16:10

I don't think the bedroom should be the focus. It's not just the bedroom. The OP resents her husband spending one-on-one time with his son. He lives with his step DC and presumably, has plenty of time to give them attention. I think the 16 year old is just as deserving as that. He's at that age now where he won't want to hang out as a family but still might want to see his dad.

hazeimcgee · 10/08/2016 16:10

What's a reverse??

mrssnodge · 10/08/2016 16:14

My Dsd had the box room as her bedroom until my DS 21 moved out- we then done up the bigger room for DSD all girly and nice etc, , so when 6 months later my DS asked to moved back-I said, yes but into the box room only- My family thought it was out of order as DS was there 7 days a week and DSd only 3 days- but she kept It immaculate, and DS treat his room as a bin!!
DS eventually moved out for good at 23 ( hoorah) and DSD at 17 only stays occasionally now anyway.
Now doing that box room up for GDC!!

Cosmo111 · 10/08/2016 16:17

Poor kid it doesn't seem fair. People really should consider step children more when they extend their family further. Your DSS has more right to a relationship to his father than your DC if that requires going out to obtain it so be it respect that. It's obvious he has shared to his father his real reasons about not going around but tbh he was as guilty for not putting his foot down.

A lost bedroom although I understand why you made him an after thought when you put up a camp bed in YOUR sons bedroom and gave him some space for his stuff in YOUR bedroom, he's a teenager he shouldn't be having to knock in YOUR bedroom to get his stuff.

I agree with others either set the room up properly where he shares with your 16 year old or let your two boys share. I hope you realise what a terrible step mother you've been, as you made it all about you without any regards to this lad. If you don't make any changes don't be surprised if your OH calls it quits you seem to have contempt for his son and it's apparent by your OH reaction he's not putting up with it anymore. I can't believe after the lads poor treatment you expected him to babysit, why couldn't you other two babysit instead?

londonrach · 10/08/2016 16:21

Poor stepson! 😢

veryproudvolleyballmum · 10/08/2016 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 10/08/2016 16:25

God, I hate these threads.
Sad

Simpsonsaddict · 10/08/2016 16:29

I was almost with you until the bit about not liking your husband to visit his son because it takes him away from you - you lost me then.

wheresthel1ght · 10/08/2016 16:33

I am a stepmum and even I think yabu!

You have basically told him he is not welcome in his dad's home by taking away his bedroom.

And he is not responsible for looking after your child that is your job.

NoFuchsGiven · 10/08/2016 16:37

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys are you a step parent, I surely hope not.

If the 2 year old needs his own room then the two teenages share or the eldest ds and dss shares with a proper bed and his own drawers and wardbrobe, his own damn space.

You dont just chuck a member of family on a camp bed ffs.

VenusOfWillendorf · 10/08/2016 16:41

Why on earth did you move last year to a house that doesn't accomodate all four of your children? How did that not come up in conversation between you, your DH and the three teenagers?
Your DSS should be able to consider the place where his dad lives as his home, and as such he should have a permanant space of his own there.
I do not understand why that was not factored into your requirements when looking for a new home.

RoseBud2016 · 10/08/2016 16:44

Venus Has it- spot on!

BodsAuntieFlo · 10/08/2016 16:44

This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us

You KNEW he already had children before you married him FFS. You don't OWN your DH. You are the selfish one not your DH. That poor lad....

CalmItKermitt · 10/08/2016 16:47

I'm assuming a reverse too otherwise I'd be calling you an utter cow.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 10/08/2016 16:52

There's a lot of threads on here re new houses that just so happen to not have enough rooms for the step children. It's like its a calculated move so the step parent can phase them out and the parent goes along with it as there adult wants come first.

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