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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

341 replies

AmandaIsHere · 10/08/2016 14:15

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

BiddyPop · 10/08/2016 14:53

OK your DSS had a bedroom with his own bed and own space. He now has a put-up bed sharing with 1 of his DSSiblings in their space, that they occupy all week long.

Is it possible to get your DSS a proper bed and space of his own in that shared room with your DC? Obviously, your DC is the permanent resident so has the greater need for space - but both should get a say in decoration of the room or at least be able to put their own pictures/posters up over their beds etc.

Your DSS needs something to show that he is a permanent part of his DF's family, which includes his own space, a proper bed, and only the same expectations on him for participation in chores and caring as those on his DSSiblings, particularly if they are close in age.

lalalalyra · 10/08/2016 14:55

See it from his pov. Not only does he not see his Dad every day like your kids and his half brother does, he now no longer has any space that is 'his'. He's got a camp bed in your sons room and his stuff is in your room AND you've all moved 12 miles away from him AND when he visits you and he clash because (like most 16yos) he doesn't have a big interest in babysitting.

I think, given that you are extending, you should have had your boys share and given your step-son the smaller room. That way he'd have had a space of his own and feel welcome, your boys would know it's not forever and the incentive to sort the garage space would be there more for you because it'd be needed for your boys.

BlueLeopard · 10/08/2016 14:56

You took away the only room belonging to your stepson and gave it to your own child so all yours have a room each. You didn't even set it up so that the two eldest were sharing a room - you consider it your sons room and somewhere temporary to stick your stepson when he visits. You gave him a bed. How charitable of you. And you are thinking of extending the house because you need more space in general, I'm guessing that if your extension was soley for giving him a room I doubt you'd even give it a second thought. If I were him, I wouldn't fucking visit either.

Your husband is wrong to blame you. He allowed you to bulldoze over his child's feelings and let you swap the rooms. Him visiting his son away from your house is probably best given that step-son is clearly an afterthought in your house.

enchantmentandlove · 10/08/2016 14:56

Why do you not want your Dh to visit his own son?

I understand why you've made the choices you have, but I feel sorry for your step son. Imagine if it was your son being pushed out like this, I doubt you'd be happy.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 10/08/2016 14:56

I think your DH is right about the bedrooms. Usually I say it's silly to have one room if they're only their sporadically, but even though you had a valid reason - You still kicked him out of HIS room. Don't you remember being a ten? Bedroom was a sacred place.

So in this situation I'd put your two boys together, and let DSS have his own room. Your oldest boys are both sixteen - Soon they'll be gone anyway, so it's not a huge sacrifice.

NoFuchsGiven · 10/08/2016 14:57

YABCompletelyU and I say that as a Step Mum. No wonder your dh is blaming you, Believe me this will just be the start.

You sound bloody awful, all about you and your dc, What about your dh and his dc, do You think that just because he is a man and his son is not yours that there feelings should just be sidelined?

Arfarfanarf · 10/08/2016 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 10/08/2016 15:02

YABU to expect any 16 year old boy to be that interested in a baby. He may hold some unreasonable resentment towards his little brother because 'he took his room.'

You're dealing with a threenager and three teenagers. The hormones must make the air fog!

If you want him to have a relationship with his little brother, you and DH need to make sure he knows he is equally as loved as the new baby. If that means your boys sharing for what? Two years, max? Is that such a huge sacrifice if it means that you could have a lifetime of getting along and loving each other?

Also, why do you clash? Is it over typical teen stuff, like sleeping in, not cleaning up after himself? If so I think you should try and make some sort of amends (even if you don't really mean it) for peace. For your DS3 to know his older brother. AND, in case you hadn't thought of it, for your DH. He's obviously devastated. Don't you want to ease his hurts?

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 10/08/2016 15:04

Slow typer So, basically what everyone else said

Sanityseeker75 · 10/08/2016 15:06

He is 16 - so he will be selfish to a certain extent BUT he has a put up bed in one room and his stuff is kept in your room so he doesn't even have free access to it without going in and out of your bedroom. I bet that there are times you don't want him going in and out so that is a restriction. The older they get the less interested in the younger ones they become so I am not surprised he doesn't want to look after a 2 year old. I can barely get my 17 YO to entertain his 12 YO SB it is too much of a gap now (was great when DS was younger and the gap wasn't so apparent).

You think he is selfish for wanting his dad to himself but can't see the irony of how selfish you are by thinking that your DH seeing his son is selfish.

I don't think it is unreasonable that he shares a room with one of your others but you need to put storage of some sort in that room which your teen knows is SB and does not mess with OR accept that you don't want him there really and that suits you and your kids better BUT the flip side of that is that your DH is going to be visiting him, its 12 miles as you say so if not far to your SS then surely a 12 mile visit shouldn't be such a hardship for you to put up with time on your own with your children.

Your DH is going to resent you, same as you would if your DH insisted on a room for his teen and one of your felt the need to move out because they clash with him and have a put up bed. I think that would be a typical parents response to the alienation between them and their child .

RoseBud2016 · 10/08/2016 15:07

I have 2 DSDs who come to stay with us in their school holidays. I would never even consider chucking them out of their own bedrooms!
I understand that you needed to move things around to benefit your other child but now your Step Son has no space to call his own at all! That's really not on and I'm surprised your DH hasn't voiced this himself.

Your Step Son probably is busy with his friends but he probably also feels very pushed out by you too!

I think you are being VERY unreasonable!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2016 15:15

I have to agree with the rest - while I understand your point about it seeming a bit daft to have one bedroom empty most of the time while your own 2 teens have to share, can you not see it from your DSS's point of view??

He's just basically had his "place" in your home removed. You clash with him, you avoid him, you try to get him to help you - why would he when you appear to not like him much, resent him, and think he's a bit selfish - can you hear yourself here? :(

No wonder he doesn't want to come around - I'm pretty sure he thinks you don't want him there at all, and in all honesty, he's probably right :(

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 10/08/2016 15:15

Why is it that so many couples who are on second (or third) marriages and each already have kids from each of the prior marriages, feel the need to have yet more children? It's like they have to have a child with every partner or for some reason they can't possibly love them as much as the first partner.

No wonder some stepchildren feel surplus to requirements when they find new stepmother more or less kicking them out of their dad's house and expecting them to look after a stepbaby sibling in the above circumstances. Why can't people just be happy with the families they already have and concentrate on ensuring they blend happily and healthily without throwing another grenade in the mix. They've probably been pulled hither and thither more than enough already.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 10/08/2016 15:32

YANBU. Your 2 year old lives there full time and your stepson lives there part time. The 2 year old can't share with the 13 and 16 year old and so your DSS can share with them instead.
If he lives there part time then he isn't a big of a priority bedroom wise like your son is.

ICanCountToOneHundred · 10/08/2016 15:36

This with bells on.

diddl · 10/08/2016 15:37

" since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time."

Sorry, I can't get past that!

I don't think that your husband should blame you, but neither of you seem to consider him much!

Is there a way of him at least being able to sleep in a bed when he visits?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 10/08/2016 15:39

YABU. You shouldn't have taken his room away. Your teenagers can share. It's also not his responsibility to babysit your DC. (I'm also confused how babysitting fell to your DSS when you have a DS who lives at home with the baby full-time).
You are treating him like an unwelcome visitor so it's no wonder he doesn't want to visit.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/08/2016 15:39

The whole thing sounds awful tbh. Step family relations are like a minefield. I can understand why he doesn't have his own space and would need to share as he's there part time as it were. But you seem to regard him with a lot of contempt.

IrianOfW · 10/08/2016 15:40

"Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young. "

He IS actually a dad to your stepson. But that isn't as important as his relationship with your children?

Yes, YABU.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/08/2016 15:42

So he had his room taken off him, and you are complaining that he appears to resent that? The fact that it is to help your DS is relevant to you, but not to him.. Sounds like you were trying to guilt him into accepting it.

It is no wonder he doesn't want to spend time at your house, he hasn't his own room and he is expected to make concessions to dad's new family.

*Takes DH away from us"

REALLY? So he can't visit his son because he is "like a father" to your children?

Am really hoping this is a reverse, otherwise your DSS would be better off without both of you in his life.

Eatthecake · 10/08/2016 15:44

I think yabu

I can see why the step son doesn't feel welcome tbh.

At 16 I can completely understand why he also wasn't really keen to help care for his younger brother.

The young lad clashes with you when he visits and you don't like your DH visiting HIS SON because it takes him away from you

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 15:45

This reminds me of Cinderella, but he's male, you're the step-mother from hell. No wonder he feels pushed out.

gobbynorthernbird · 10/08/2016 15:48

Actually, I think this is DH fault for being so passive that he let this situation happen. He didn't think of his son when you all moved to a house too small for him, or when he started a new family with someone so selfish.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 10/08/2016 15:50

OMG it totally is Lilac
Maybe that mans he'll growup to be something really special... I doubt a prince. Maybe a rock star?

UnexpectedBaggage · 10/08/2016 15:51

OP cannot magic up room from nowhere. Where do those criticising her expect DSS to sleep?

YANBU, OP. Ignore the vipers.

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