Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

341 replies

AmandaIsHere · 10/08/2016 14:15

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 10/08/2016 19:41

PN I think the problem is that there is no relationship and probably hasn't been for some time... Why the fuck take it out on a 2yo

Well said! And I think a teenager is old enough to know who is who regarding siblings. Choosing not acknowledge a tiny child (who has done fuck all wrong) as your sibling when that is exactly what they are when you're 14 years old is shitty brattish behaviour.

Lesley1980 · 10/08/2016 19:42

I don't think I'd want to visit either. You have created a unit for your kids & he has been pushed out. You avoid him which basically says I don't want you here. He didn't look after his little brother but where was your husband & 16 year old?

blondieblondie · 10/08/2016 19:47

Thanks wheresthel1ght. His fiancée has been in my DS life for 7 years now, and yes, I think she feels like you do. Fingers crossed that doesnt change, but it is a worry. It's bad enough to read about this kid, than think it could happen to your own.

Graceflorrick · 10/08/2016 19:51

You are being unreasonable. Sadly, DH's resentment towards you is likely to worsen unless you can make changes to the situation you've created.

wheresthel1ght · 10/08/2016 19:54

I know how you feel!! But if she has been good to him up to now I wouldn't worry too much! It is unlikely she would change her view of him now!

ADishBestEatenCold · 10/08/2016 20:00

"He has got a place to sleep round ours we have a put up bed in ds 16 room"

So not even a proper bed of his own. A "put-up bed". A guest bed.

PerpendicularVincent · 10/08/2016 20:02

Amanda needs to change the last bit of her name to 'has fucked off'

2kids2dogsnosense · 10/08/2016 20:02

If you are going to extend/convert a garage anyway, would it not be possible to have your two-year-old in your room until this is done, and give your step-son the room that the little 'un is sleeping in at present? Then when your conversion is finished, step-son can have his own, more adult space and can decorate and furnish it the way he wants (wishing reason, obviously). If you could manage an ensuite area that might lure him back, too.

Your step-son must feel really unwanted. He will have no concept of how demanding even an average toddler is, let alone one with a disability, and will just feel that he has been pushed out. He's probably spending more time with his friends to mask his hurt ("I've got me mates - I don't need you lot".), but I can promise you he is upset.

Your children lost their dad at an early age; they'll know how that feels and you know how much it affected them. Teenagers feel a lot more than they admit to - it is a horrible time (I wouldn't go through puberty again if you paid me in Krugerrands) and he will be full of resentment, aggression, self-consciousness and anxiety to start off with - please don't contribute to his distress.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2016 20:03

Emaroos. Wow just wow and spot on. Great post! Poor kid. Sad

2kids2dogsnosense · 10/08/2016 20:03

within reason - not wishing reason.

PeggyMitchell123 · 10/08/2016 20:31

Well said! And I think a teenager is old enough to know who is who regarding siblings. Choosing not acknowledge a tiny child (who has done fuck all wrong) as your sibling when that is exactly what they are when you're 14 years old is shitty brattish behaviour.

Hardly! So not wanting to babysit (something most 16 year old boys would do) is not acknowledging his baby brother and being a shitty brat.

bumsexatthebingo · 10/08/2016 20:40

You knew he already had a child when you got together with your dh so I'm not sure why you're complaining that your dh spending time with him is taking him away from his family. His first born IS his family and was before you came on the scene. Think about how you would like your son to be treated by a step-parent if you split up with your dh and he moved in with someone else.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2016 20:42

Exactly Peggy. The poor boy probably has no concept of what to do or how to help his disabled sibling. He doesn't have the advantage of being around day to day and gaining the experience of helping out as your children do op. So even if he wanted to, he wouldn't have a clue.

Emmaroos · 10/08/2016 20:49

Milky, you are talking about it as if all three of the older kids have equal 'comfort levels' in the house. Sometimes you have to think beyond the practicalities and think about how a teenage boy is feeling.
I think it is very hard to create a 'shared' room if one kid is there all the time and the other only for 2 nights a week. I guess it also depends on the type of relationship the step son has built with his step brother, but it doesn't sound that close if he's avoiding visiting. The step son coming in knows that his own Dad has a whole life going on with these other two kids that he is excluded from, and if the Mum has passed her terrible attitude on to her own kids then her own son probably resents the 'intrusion' into 'his' bedroom as well. That's why I suggested that on the nights when the step son is there, the two kids who know each other best should share, but that the smaller bedroom could be a shared study/den used by all three so that it's not wasted when he isn't there. I bet OP would recognise the need for a proper bed pretty quickly if her own son was sleeping on a fold out a couple of nights a week. Personally if the room is small I'd get a loft bed and put a sofa underneath plus a desk (assume they are doing exams and need space to study), and I'd let them decorate it together but SS should take the lead as the other two have far more influence throughout the rest of the house as well as their shared bedroom.
As for the distinction between 'real' 'step' and 'half' siblings, these things vary enormously from family to family. I have 2 step siblings and while I hardly know them (they grew up on the opposite side of the world from me). I also wasn't big on babies when I was a teen, even ones related to me. I would have died if I had been asked to care for a 2 year old because I wouldn't have known what to do. It's very different for OP's own kids who see their little brother all day every day. The way for the OP to improve this situation (for the benefit of her own baby son as well as SS) is to ensure that SS spends lots of time with his brother in an unthreatening inclusive way - ideally time for Dad and his two children so they can get to know each other without the older boy feeling put upon (or terrified). I think the most likely way of improving wider family relations is for Dad to establish the special relationship he has with his two sons separately from step mum and siblings. It's one thing for Step Mum to say that her husband has become a father figure to the two new kids, but I think that unless he came into their life at a very young age the step son should be accorded the birthright of knowing that his dad has his and his little brother's back if he ever had to choose. OP is clear where her loyalties lie. If OP had half a brain she would find some time to spend with just the toddler and her stepson. Even a half hour to the park where she can care for her toddler and actually talk 1:1 with her stepson.
It's a simple fact that unless you build your own relationship with a stepchild and have your own investment in their welfare you they will always come up short when you compare them to your own children whom you know inside out and love to bits. And that's even if you are a basically decent human being who tries to do your very best by your step child. Very few people are at their finest in their teenage years...it's human nature to make far more allowances for those we know and love.
I really hope OP was trolling because if this situation is RL she's vile and it's heartbreaking.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 10/08/2016 20:51

Peggy I did not mean it like that. You've read my post wrong.
I don't think he should babysit his younger sibling.

But if he decides not to acknowledge the 2 year old as his sibling at all, like PN said she would have done, then that is shitty brattish behaviour. He doesn't need to look after him and not should he.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 10/08/2016 20:52

*nor

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 10/08/2016 20:52

I don't think Op is coming back

VioletVaccine · 10/08/2016 21:00

You know what is U? These threads, every time.

MN users try to give a balanced opinion, but is OP really ever going to say "Yes thank you, i was being Massively U.
I'm going to tell one of my beloved biological children they need to share a room with their half brother now, because he really does some space here. I was wrong to push him out to make room for the children that are all biologically mine. Thanks you lot, I'm going to fix this".

Hmm
VioletVaccine · 10/08/2016 21:02

Also, very strange first post for a brand new poster...chuck 'Stepchild' into AIBU, add in "Stepson has a blow-up bed and no Room" like a grenade, then step back and wait for fireworks, is it?

Lunar1 · 10/08/2016 21:09

The person being shitty and brattish in this is not the 16 year old.

Thank goodness most step parents are not like the op.

Memoires · 10/08/2016 22:31

Who has the biggest bedroom? You and dh or one of the children? Give it to your dss and your son to share. Make sure they both have proper beds, chest of drawers each and wardrobe space, at the minimum.

You and dh get next biggest room, and then your baby gets the smallest room. Then you do your extension and can move people around again, more suitably.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/08/2016 22:48

"I took away his bedroom a few months ago ... I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff "

Nothing says you're not wanted quite like no room in the house being allocated to you Sad.

milkyface · 10/08/2016 23:17

But the kids do deserve equal comfort levels.

Op has been a shit but that doesn't mean dss gets his own room to lure him back or make up for it, it's not practical at all.

Whoevers got the biggest room should share it for however many nights a week. Or at worst maybe the biggest room has two beds and then one of ops kids goes in with the other so dss has his own room when he's there, although it's not actually his room it's the other kids, because he lives there full time.

If dss was there full time I'd get it, it would make sense for ops kids to share full time but he's not so to me it doesn't.

If anything ops kids will start to resent him too because he gets a room to himself even though he's there once a week or whatever and yet they have to share.

Whatever you do someone's going to pissed off but seemingly it's ok if it's ops kids who get the short straw!

I agree that op doesn't sound like a great step mum I agree but giving him own room just seems impractical to me

This would be such a none issue if it was just sorted when they moved in.. Or before.

Lunar1 · 11/08/2016 00:14

It's not about keeping an empty room for him, it's about providing a proper bed and storage for a child within the family home. There are so many solutions available. A mid or high sleeper with storage in the biggest children's room would solve the problem.

user1469284065 · 11/08/2016 00:15

Threads like this are the reason I'm always baffled when people downplay the impact of divorce on children's emotional well-being. I'm sure there are cases where step-families blend well, but the popular "happy parents, happy kids" narrative is very short-sighted and unrealistic.