To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

[AmandaIsHere]

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

Whatthe "EX-Dsd". I don't know how she is. Haven't thought to ask.

And considering I live in a 2 bed house my boys have never had their own rooms (DUH). And she never slept in living room, that's just your little made up detail.

hmmmmmmm. A huge part of your life for years and you haven't thought to ask. Says it all really

Good, glad she's shot of you Hopefully her dads next girlfriend is kinder to her than you were, and your boys too of course.

Is the issue DSS doing something lovely with his Dad that DS1 and DS2 don't do?

I don't think this is the problem I can only think of one example of them doing something together and my kids being jealous of it.

Is the issue you being left to care for DS3?

Yes because if dh and dss do something together it tends to be something sporty which means ds 3 can't come along with dad and that means my visits which are things more like museums which means I get to look after ds which does make the trip harder for example I took my kids to London dungeons and waited outside with a coffee for them, which isn't the end of the world but it means I don't get to enjoy the day with my older kids and do many activities. I live in Surrey at the moment but all my family are from the Somerset area so I can't leave ds 3 with family. He isn't much of a burden but it would be nice to have dh take care of him every now
and then.

You cannot make DSS suffer because your choices aren't panning out in the neat, everything-on-your-own-terms way you would like.

In an ideal world we would have waited until extension before we changed any rooms but it became very difficult with the disability.

I did choose to have another child. The fact is bringing any new person into your home will have its downsides and positives and I believe the positives outweighed the negatives. Dh loves ds 3 he is very funny and I am sure will have a good relationship with all his brothers including dss.

Look I would not say anyone in my house is really suffering. They are all well fed, clothed and loved and although things have been tricky and not managed in the best way they are by no means suffering.

Believe me I am glad to be shot of the pair of them

Sorry OP.

The fact is bringing any new person into your home will have its downsides and positives and I believe the positives outweighed the negatives

I wonder if your DSS would say the same about your arrival into his family.

^ Agree with chipped Not only that but;

....I am sure will have a good relationship with all his brothers including DSS...

How do you think that's going to happen if DSS doesn't have a good relationship with his father?

And you honestly believe that ...would not say anyone in my house is really suffering... ?!?!

Your step son is telling you in the only way he feels he can that he is suffering and you keep bleating on about the damn bedroom thinking that it's going to fix everything.
You're fucking deluded.

Why do you think the bedroom is the main issue here? Why should your DS's jealousy over DH spending time with his actual son be an issue? Would it matter if DSS got jealous of your two boys.

How do you think that's going to happen if DSS doesn't have a good relationship with his father?

Dss doesn't have a bad relationship with his father. He went 4 weeks without visiting which may of been because of the bed but it may of been a bit of teen laziness of not wanting to pack things up and he may of wanted to be with friends. Look it's not that bad here that dss has decided to stay with us all this week.

I wonder if your DSS would say the same about your arrival into his family.

Okay but we can't please dss all of the time and do exactly as he wishes the same as we can't please my kids all of the time as well. Look the fact is things move on, I don't think this would be a problem unique to my family or if it something that all blended families have.

But to answer your question probably not, dss has absolutely no interest in his little brother. He doesn't play with him, doesn't ask about him. He didn't come to ds party we had when he turned 2 (which was a family thing with my sisters and brothers kids of a similar age). He didn't get a ds a card. I know it's stupid things at that age but by the time he gets to what 6/7 he is going to realise he has a brother that doesn't like him and that makes me feel sad for both ds and dss. But I hope he does start to pay an interest in him.

Why should your DS's jealousy over DH spending time with his actual son be an issue?

That isn't the issue that happened on one occasion as stated and was because dss was going to Thorpe park with friends and dh was going with them. It's not like my kids are jealous of every trip most they would want to go on cause they like different things.

If it was the other way around it would be a problem as well but like I said 95% dss will do something my kids don't want to do so they won't go.

Amanda, I wanted to give you big respect for taking the points made on this thread on board, and coming back and debating them.

In your shoes, I'd prob have NC'd and moved on, and I massively respect you for what you've done.

I think you might have made some mistakes, and I think you might have got some stuff wrong, but I really do trust that you're a good person and will do all you can to do the right thing by all your (extended and otherwise) family.

And don't push the relationships between the steps too hard, just stand back and let them happen. Hopefully they will when everyone feels more comfortable and confident in the environment.

My DH DSis who's 20 has never got a card or present for her niece and nephew, I don't know why maybe because she's young or not I let her get on with it.

In regards to your DSS my own DS has found out his DF is having a baby with another woman he's actually pretty distressed about it (he's only 8) he was actually almost in tears. It can really hit a child when their parent moves on and starts a secondary family who get see the DF full time. My DS is unsure of the place in this family. Your DSS sees your little one who utilmately taken his father away who gets full attention of his DF and gets to see on a daily basis maybe that's why he's not very forthcoming to him.

I agree with Fallen.
And the key to DSS not resenting or being jealous of his new little brother is an abundance of quality time with his Dad himself. And also I think, quality time with just Dad and his little brother.
16 can be hard anyway. People expect you to be adult about things but emotionally you aren't.
Very few kids are at their best at that age and when a kid lives in a family where their parents are cross with them for being vile they have the security of knowing that when all is said and done those same angry parents love them to bits anyway.
When a teen knows that they have behaved badly (as they inevitably will) and they live with an adult who doesn't have the same investment in them, the feeling of being judged and disliked is absolutely horrible.
My guess is DSS knows that he wasn't particularly nice to have made such a fuss about letting his little brother have his bedroom. He was slow to do it because he also knew that it wasn't fair that he was being relegated to the role of least important kid in the house, but if he is a reasonably decent kid he'll also have felt bad about the fuss he made.
That's a pretty complex set of emotions and it's not surprising that some resentment is going to be focussed on his little brother.
You talk about blended families having to get on with it, but you have to remember that the kids (DSS, DS1, DS2) didn't get any say in this. DSS will probably be jealous that his little brother has an intact family where both parents who love him live together happily. It's slightly less complex for your other children after a bereavement - better in some ways and obviously far worse in others.
I think you have to think about the emotional life of the kids at a deeper level than you seem to at the moment, at least at the start of the thread. This is of the adults making, and sometimes it is in everyone's interest that the adults suck it up, put their own wants (and sometimes needs) to one side and put the kids emotional security first. I'm not talking about spoiling them or giving in to them all the time, but making sure everyone feels secure and loved and wanted is in everyone's interest for long term happiness.

I agree that perhaps a lot of time with his dad alone might improve things and while I think that is necessary and will happen I can't see how it will improve things between dss and ds 3. I don't know why he dislikes his little brother, it's like dss completely ignores him. He will even tell ds 3 to shut up when he is playing and will shout at him causing ds to burst into tears. I suspect it may be him being a teenager but it hurts me because it's my baby being rejected. I accept that it may be the fact he has taken away his dad but he could at least smile at ds and attempt to be nice to him.

Maybe he's just treating him, how he feels you have treated him. By rejecting him.

He's 16 and couldn't care less about his little brother? I'm not so sure if this is true deep down to his soul. He sounds really really jealous and confused. All you can do as a family and most especially his father is integrate him and show him real value. You as individuals will unwittingly have made a series of mistakes to make him feel this way.

He never ever has to care about his little brother. That is completely his choice however. I believe the best way is to guide by example, to tell him off as little as possible and not make him feel demeaned. That said, I'm not advocating letting him get away with this behaviour.

it hurts me that my baby is being rejected

Congratulations, WELCOME TO HOW YOUR STEP SON IS FEELING. He feels rejected and replaced . The difference is, he shown it by staying away instead of bursting into tears.

He doesn't dislike his brother, he is confused, hurt and rejected and is taking it out on his brother because he can't project it at the people he wants to, who are you and your husband

Only when your step son feels more reassured and confident of his place in the family, will you then see any change is his behaviour towards the rest of the family.

Does your dss have any experience around young kids?? Cause it may just be he doesn't know what to do or how to act around your ds3. In my experience of 16yr olds your expecting a lot if you want them to organise and sort birthday cards ect, I would think his dad would need to prompt there. I think dss needs to re establish a relationship with his dad then build one with ds3, doing fun things the 3 or them etc some people find it easier than others with little ones give him time and help to build a relationship it will come

What mummyoflittledragon and madgingermunchkin said.

There is no law that says your 16 year old stepson has to like his new baby stepsibling. Lots of siblings don't get on, step or otherwise. Sometimes that's just the way it is. But I suspect it may well be as much to do with the much wider picture than just that. Although if it is just that, well, sorry, that can happen. I'm 42 and still have no interest in babies.

Myself and madginger are indeed coming from the same place.
The rejection of his little brother has nothing to do with his little brother, it's to do with his Dad.
DSS is terrified he's being replaced. By your teenage kids who are building a close relationship all week with his Dad and also by his half brother
He can't focus his outrage about that on his Dad.
It's also why he probably clashes with you. At the moment you don't love him (as you build your own 1:1 relationship with him that may change), so it doesn't matter if he's vile to you and you love him less.
I know you said his Dad says all the things I mentioned, but does he really? Does he say them clearly, unambiguously and often a way that bares his soul to his son and really tells him the depth of his love for him and his pride in him?
Right now his son need to hear it way more than would be normal for most kids his age.
Many men were brought up with a lot less verbalisation of affection and they feel their kids know they are loved and say it out loud less, particularly to their sons. This boy needs to hear it loud and clear and often that he is his Dad's first priority. He needs to see it in how his Dad prioritises time with him.
If you usually care for the youngest guy, Dad and DSS doing a bit more of that together while you are off with your kids would involve DSS in his care in an environment where it's something positive they share, not in an environment with his competition (you have in the past probably let him know you think he's a lazy unhelpful brat and his step siblings are his rivals for his Dad's attention who get to live with his Dad all week).
His Dad stood by while his son was shunted into a camp bed and relegated to the role of temporary intruder in his step brother's room...I think Dad really, really needs to step up now.

Op I do think its difficult to expect your DSS to have the same relationship with your DS3 that your other two havens they have lived with him. When DSS has visited he had his room taken away and his one to one time questioned.

2years have pasted since your youngest was born there has to be more to this story for your DSS inregards to his feelings about his DB.

I do think that the age range could have a massive impact on the relationship because dss has no step siblings with his mum and she does not have a partner. Her family currently live abroad and so dss has her all to himself so no competition but it is very different with dh as we have 3 other siblings in the house, but me and dh also have big families who will visit quite often.

I am no sure what dh says to him and the manner he says it but I know dh loves him very much.

At the moment you don't love him (as you build your own 1:1 relationship with him that may change), so it doesn't matter if he's vile to you and you love him less.

He's not vile to me I just have to do all the nagging about putting glasses in dishwasher, not eating in the living room and make your bed. He gets annoyed cause I am the one telling him off about these things but it should be dh. I respect rules might be different at mums but surely she doesn't do everything for him, ie make his bed, put his plates in dishwasher, picking up wrappers left on sofa/coffee table. I am leaving the nagging up to dh now, but it won't be done.

It's also a much bigger emotional trauma to go from being a long time only child who has been accustomed to being his parents' first priority than it is for children who are already used to having siblings. That can be tough even when it happens in an intact family.
I'd just be conscious that even when it doesn't seem logical, this is probably all coming from a place of insecurity and frustration at how his life has been turned upside down and how little control he has. Withdrawing from the situation by not visiting or not interacting with his little brother are some of the ways he's able to regain some control. He probably has no clue himself where these feelings are coming from which is why so many kids focus all that emotional turmoil on disliking their step parent and behaving accordingly even when it has little to do with their step parent.

Dad allowing him to discuss his frustration/anger/sadness about the loss of his nuclear family, Dad's move to live further away, how tough it must be to leave his Dad with you lot when he has to go back to his Mum's etc and allowing him to see that these are valid things to be angry and sad about would be a really important step in the right direction for DSS to be able to identify those feelings and where they come from and that discussing them with Dad and telling Dad he's frustrated/sad/feeling excluded is more constructive than focussing them on his little brother.
Ignore the refusal to engage with his brother for now. The more that this non-relationship is made an issue of the harder it will be for him to make the climbdown from that entrenched position begin to interact with his little brother as he himself becomes happier and better adjusted. He will resent being judged as being mean or unloving and he will resent endlessly hearing how amazing the little brother is (he'll be hearing an unspoken negative comparison with him even if that wasn't intended) because that just reconfirms the little brother as the problem in his mind.
As I said before, I would also make sure that he gets to associate his little brother with his Dad and himself some of the time and not just as an extension of you and everything you represent at the moment (i.e. the main cause of him being downgraded in the pecking order of his dad's affections).
It's hard, very hard, being a step parent, but when you are totally fecked off and frustrated and angry and exhausted, remember you and his Dad made these choices that you all have to live with and that nobody is at their finest or most rational at 16.