To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

[AmandaIsHere]

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

Repent 👍🏻

Why can you take your children out to do these things. Your children get plenty of time with their stepdad without his eldest son there.

I agree once a week one to one time won't hurt I think it's important that continues. Your DC could spend some time with you.How do the lads get on in general with one another?

No I said 1:1 time was good but it can't be every weekend maybe once a fortnight. I do like to go out as a family. I never compare my dss to my kids infront of any of them.

RepentAtLeisure
because of this:
Not against 1:1 time but it can't be every weekend sometimes my kids would like to go out. Dss has sometimes excluded my kids when he's done things like paint-balling or quad biking. Although they should have 1:1 on a regular basis.
No. No. No. It doesn't have to be expensive stuff or take over the whole weekend but your step son MUST be allowed to spend quality time with his Dad and without you or your two older children around every week or why bother coming? I don't know how you don't understand this?
Your insistence on putting your own children first and your selfish desire to play at happy families when this boy is clearly NOT feeling like part of a big happy family yet is just so wrong and selfish.
If Dad does something with his son of Friday evening and again on Sunday morning then by all means do something all together on a Saturday, or let Dad and son do something all day on some Saturdays and YOU take your own kids out if you think they may be feeling short changed.
You are being so utterly selfish and vile that I am again thinking you must be a troll.
Surely no normal adult lacks that much empathy?

So your kids live with his dad full time but he's only allowed to spend a few hours time alone with his own father every other weekend otherwise you'll start huffing that it's not fair on your kids to be left out

And you wonder why the boy doesn't want to come round. Jesus Christ are you being deliberately obtuse or are you actually just that stupid?

I disagree I think it has to be every week as op said a couple hours one of those days he's over, especially with everything that's gone on its important their relationship is rebuilt first and foremost and that will take time. You and you're boys don't always need to be present.

PP"

I hope that he lays down the law on this one and decides to spend a few hours at least with his son alone every week. You have absolutely no rights to have an influence on this.

Oh yes, and DH should take DSS on holiday on his own if he (understandably) has no interest in coming away with you.

The fact that he let you get away with as much as you have so far though makes me feel very sorry indeed for DSS.

YABU. You really think your children take priority over your DSS? They don't. Your DH might be like a father to your DC but he is NOT their father. Your DSS on the other hand is your DH's bio so If it came to it he has a certain priority in terms of time with his father because you live with him. His son doesn't. You think DH going away to spend time with his son is taking him away? My god grow up. He's seeing his son. You have no right to dictate how much he sees his son! Honestly you think him seeing DSS every week is too much?! Would you feel the same if it was one of your kids! I don't think so. Grow up and back off.

Emmaroos No I was not the other woman, I lost my husband to cancer but you just go ahead and make assumptions to suit your own narrative. I did not know dh for at least 3-4 years since he separated. Also my husbands marriage did not split up due to him cheating on his ex, they split because they were no longer happy in their relationship. But you continue to make assumptions based on your own views. I've met dss mum many times and she is a lovely woman and we are in regular contact over issues regarding dss.

In terms of 1:1 time I think they probably do get it every week I thought by 1:1 time you meant big trips, dss is a competition level swimmer and dh will often take him swimming on Saturday mornings. They then get a coffee and cake afterwards. So they do get one on one time every week, I for some reason assumed 1:1 meant trip out to cinema or something like that.

I don't dislike dss at all, but I am quite old fashioned and do think as stated teens should help round the house. That being making beds and helping to unload and load dishwashers etc. Sometimes I will ask dc for help in hand when it comes to ds 2 but accept that this may be overwhelming. But it does annoy me that dss does nothing and leaves glasses and plates on the side and does not put them in the dishwasher. He also eats on the sofa repeatedly when he knows
we don't eat in the lounge because ds (2) also has allergies and could get a reaction from crumbs or wrappers left on the side.

I tell dh to talk to him but he never does so it leads to me talking to him so that's why we clash as I put it because I am always doing the nagging when it should be his dad.

Dss is coming on holiday with us as a family, he wants to come as well it's not forced. We don't have the money for extensions as well as an extra holiday.

Also I am sick of all the attacks I realise I didn't deal with the bedrooms but I've tried to make things better since posting the thread and isn't that what threads like this are about resolving situations. I am not evil I am not nasty etc I was just extremely tired of having to move equipment upstairs and having ds (2) in new room is so much easier for him and me.

Rtft people before you jump in attacking Amanda

She has conceded she was out of line re the bedrooms but fuck me emmaroos your posts are vile.

Not all step parents were the OW and to constantly accuse and judge us as such is out of line.

Amanda 1:1 is just meant as time alone together without you:your kids and can be as simple as a run, a coffee or just walking a the dog (how it happens in our house). You are right about the dishwasher and the pots but you are probably fighting a losing battle my lazy ass Dp does exactly the same and it boils my piss because of the rules are different at his mums he is unlikely to alter habits.

I would perhaps discuss chores with him and explain that with 4 kids in the house you can't do it all and you would appreciate him chipping in / ask him to do a specific task like set/clear table rather than expect him to just know

Feel free to pm of you want support!

Amanda you've taken on board the criticism and have used it to make changes as suggested, that is hugely positive and I'm sure that will go a long way to resolving the situation.

Some of the behaviour may just be stroppy teenager, you are right he should do simple things as described in your latest posts, no excuse for that level of laziness you are not a maid service and your dh needs to be on your side on this, your later posts do indicate that your dh and dss have 1:1 time.

You can't be all bad if he wants to come on holiday with you.

I think him feeling confident and at ease with his younger brother will take longer, don't force it but quietly encourage it.

Your dss has now seen that you have been prepared to accept you were wrong in the way you handled the room issue and are doing your best to put it right he should therefore realise that he now has to step up with the basic courtesy chores.

Can you talk to him without sounding as if you are nagging, I know it's hard to do so but you would reap the reward if you could, but honestly your dh does need to get involved here he should not be shying away from asking his son to do basic tasks as that is just showing respect and consideration.

Good luck, I think things will work out as you have shown you are the kind of person prepared to hear and act in order to make things better.

I HAVE been RTFT. All the way from the start. Perhaps if you did too you might have seen the many suggestions I have made all the way through about low key 1:1 time between her husband and step son - coffee shops, casual bite together somewhere on a Friday night and walks to the playground etc. To all of which she basically replied that no, her and her children's needs were more important and that he was selfish for wanting to see his dad on his own.
I'm glad she wasn't the other woman - for her stepson's sake - but from the way she ignored the question and her appalling attitude to her step son (it's great that she took the shocked reaction from strangers on board, but honestly, who needs to be told that their stepson should have a bed?) I don't feel particularly bad at having drawn to the wrong conclusion from her silence tbh.
This really touched a nerve for me and I feel desperately sorry for her stepson that his Dad allowed this situation to develop,
You said in OP that he was not going on holiday with you...now he is? That's progress at lest.

I also feel as though my posts have not been read.

Amanda, being adamant at dss helping out is not conducive to a happy, blended family right now. As I and others have said, he needs a sincere apology, let him settle and hopefully your children can lead by example where he will follow.

No, it's not respectful for him to be waited on and do nothing. However, he is likely feeling all sorts of resentment right now. The continued eating on the sofa could also be a protest against the order of things where he feels pushed out. I doubt if he's logically thinking about your little ds and the actual implications of a severe allergic reaction.

As I said previously, it is for you to be the grown up first. So, if you can't get dss to abide by this rule, could you perhaps remove the offending foods from your home instead? Or at the least hide them away. If dss then complains, it will be easier to negotiate the rule that way.

Emmaroos It really is a pity you lost your temper and spleen vented on op. Much of what you said in your recent few posts was brilliant stuff and sadly, I think will be lost because of the the anger.

Agree with mummyoflittledragon

And I know you said your DH has refused to have a word with his sone about chores etc (probably because he feels guilty about the way things have been) but it really does need to come from him.
Give DSS some time to see that things have changed and that you are trying, and then you really need to sit down and insist DH has a word.

I am totally with you emmaroos.

That poor boy, talk about being pushed out!

I don't know how the OP can be so fucking deluded as to think she doesn't treat him differently!

What a spineless, pathetic man her DP must be too, to put his new partner and her kids ahead of his own son

No wonder he doesn't want to come! My DD1 has a step mother- if she behaved as you do (and we will see, once she's got kids of her own) there would be hell to pay!

This thread has made me feel so sad

I hear you Mummy
I'm still cross though. One small nudge in the right direction does not mean that everything is now OK. It's all very well for people to want to be supportive of OP, but I just don't have any patience or sympathy for her when DSS is the one who needs it. It makes my blood boil to hear people say "that's amazing OP, well done" when she's only being marginally less awful to the poor kid.
I also don't buy that she didn't get it about 1:1 time and I'm suspicious about the about face on the holiday without explanation.
The only good thing (if it's true) is that it sounds as if DSS mother is much more of an advocate for him than his Father.

One small nudge in the right direction does not mean that everything is now OK
Exactly. The after all the damage she has caused the OP still going on about chores.

cosmo111 people can be that cruel. My DM walked out when I was 6 so my DF took me to live with my DGM. He then left when I was 12 to set up home with his new wife. Despite having a 7 bedroom house and only two DC of their own, I was never offered a bedroom of my own and always slept in a guest room or the sewing room.

My DSS (and by 'dear' I mean bitch of a step mother) never wanted to any reminder that my DF had been married before and she would never had married him if I couldn't carry on living with my DGM.

I think the OP is a bitch and I am not surprised that her DSS no longer visits. He has been made to feel so unwelcome and I blame his DF as well for not having a backbone and fighting for his DS. Shame on both adults in this situation.

Sorry if I can't respond to every post I have had many on this thread.

I think going 4 weeks without a proper bed really isn't going to leave dss traumatised. It may make him feel unwelcome and pushed out and I accepted that. I go on about chores because it's how we do things all though I accept that I should leave it a couple of weeks.

1:1 does happen every week as dh takes dss swimming. I didn't mention this because I didn't think it was 1:1 because dh reads the paper while dss swims. They can do bigger trips but that can't be every big outing because I like to as a family.

I don't know really what more I can do, we building into the loft to give dss a room.

They can do bigger trips but that can't be every big outing because I like to as a family

Because God forbid your DH actually do whsts best for his son instead of "what you like" eh?