To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

[AmandaIsHere]

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

I made the same points as others on this thread earlier and was very much in the no wonder dss doesn't want to be there camp but the OP has taken the criticism on board and has realised her actions were wrong and is actively rectifying the situation.

Her dss is not so special that he cannot take used cups and plates into the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher, that is just common courtesy the OP and her dh are not there merely to wait on him hand and foot.

Yes, the OP has done things wrong, she has accepted that, she has re-thought the way she was interacting with her dss, and if she can do that then the least the dss can do is to behave with consideration regarding very minor expectations regarding clearing up after himself.

The OP has agreed to change things in line with the suggestions made to her on this thread, no, it won't make things better overnight but it is the right way to go and if it carries on then things will continue to improve for all concerned.

What else to people on here want her to do? Don sackcloth and ashes and chant 'mea culpa'?

Thank you for responding Amanda. The thing to do is normalise, isn't it? And let the rest like chores take care of themselves at a later date.

I really really understand where you're coming from Amanda about needing help from all able bodies including dss. In my experience as a chronically ill person, who needs a lot more help than most, getting cross and begrudging others is not the way. To attract people, we need to be attractive, which means being open and approachable with your dss. I get you're exhausted and frazzled. However it isn't dss responsibility or fault. And it does go back to being the adult.

Perhaps you're thinking "and what about me?" Yes, however, that would be something to negotiate with your dh - time off and a break. Perhaps you're targeting the wrong person and would do well to get your family to let you have a weekend to yourself. It sounds as though you need it.

Saw your message Emmaroos - think we are all singing from the same hymn sheet. I understand your upset. We do get a bit heavily involved in others life at times. It's good to know that there of those, who care - even if they do breathe fire occasionally.

One week dp and his son spend Some hours alone together on Friday evening and Sunday morning.
The other week dp and his son get all Saturday alone together.

It's still nothing like the amount of time your kids get with dp, but it may just about be enough that dp and his son don't end up estranged.

You've gone from taking his room away a few months ago to it being 4 weeks!

It was after GCSEs finished and his been on holiday with mum since then so it was 4 weeks with no visit.

Yes, you do seem to have taken on board most of the comments about how unreasonable you are.

But you are missing one big bloody point. it may only have been "a few months" since you took DSS's bedroom off him, but I can guarantee you that he was feeling left out and like an outsider long before then. That act just confirmed his feelings.

So no, buying him a bed and promising him that he'll get a loft conversion soon isnt going to magically make things better
It's going to take a long time and a lot of effort on your part before he feels differently.

Im going to guess from your posts that you were pretty lucky and didn't get landed with a shitty step family.
Take the advice from people who have, because we know exactly how he is feeling.

I think the bottom line is that there are two acceptable ways to go as a step parent. One is to be a positive facilitator/supporter of the independent relationship between DP and SC but to accept that they are a separate unit, in which case you treat them like a casual guest (not waited on hand and foot, but also not expected to muck in like a family member) and back the hell off and allow them their time together. If that means you get fewer days out as a family then unfortunately that's the price you pay for the decision to marry someone with kids and having kids yourself you should have long accepted that DH's son would always be his first priority just as your children would be yours if they had had trouble settling into the new family unit. All 'parenting' (requests/reprimands about conduct, general discipline and boundaries etc) need to come only from their own parent although in time you would expect the general comfort level with each other to improve. Everyone should be civil and pleasant. This is entirely dependent on the parent stepping up to that role.
If OP wants to be in a parental/authority role herself with her DSS then she needs to actually make him an important person in HER life because she has bonded with him and genuinely sees him as part of her family. That means being aware of his great points and focusing on them. Of course it comes more naturally with your own kids to see the best in them, but FFS, he's your partner's child and you claim his Mum is wonderful...are you seriously saying that this child hasn't inherited any of their positive traits? Not once in all this posting have you said a positive thing about him Amanda. If you had bonded with DSS then you would be the one trying to resolve his obvious unhappiness, not because you wanted proof for your partner that it wasn't your fault but because it upset you to see this boy so unhappy that he was withdrawing from his Dad.
It doesn't matter how much you protest that you never tell him you compare him negatively to your own children - he knows.
What you have to try to understand is that it isn't a clean slate now that he has a bed and will be getting a room in the future. He will need time to learn to trust his Dad again, and a lot more after that to come around to seeing you as anything other than the woman who caused the situation where his Dad stood by and let him be treated as the 4th ranked child in his home. That hurts very deeply. Providing him belatedly with things he should always have had if all the other children had them won't wipe that hurt out. He's still in 4th place until his Dad or you prove otherwise to him.

^ a million times this.

Well said Emmaroos. Excellent good points.

Give him back his room now.

Take the 2yo upstairs again and put yourself out by being inconvenienced by him not being downstairs.

Tell your dss that you are really sorry, that you made a mistake.

Let the poor chap see that you will put yourself and your convenience below him. You be the one waiting for the extension which you can't even afford to start building now. Mind you, I think it's too late to go back to how you were anyway, and it won't make him feel any better if you try.

The real problem is - and someone asked the question before, but I haven't seen your reply:

Why did you move into a house which is too small for your family?

He is "inconvenienced" 2 nights a week. As for the rest of the family.....

TBH I think the most important thing is that DH apologises to his son on an adult and meaningful level for letting him down so badly.
What I would have wanted to hear in that scenario is my Dad saying he had kept out of the interactions between his son and his wife because he thought the best thing was for them to work out their relationship themselves and not because he didn't care about his son. That he understands now that this was a mistake. That he now believes that as he (Dad) made the choice to impose Amanda on his son he needs to take responsibility to ensure that his son has an adult advocate on his side to help him have a voice that is heard until they all get to a stage where he doesn't need or want that support from his Dad any more. That he's incredibly proud of his son and he's deeply sorry that he and his Mum weren't able to survive as a family for him. That he knows how difficult it must be for him to leave his dad in a household with the other kids every week and that's normal. That the reason his Dad considered having another child was that he had had such good experiences with his first son and was so proud of him. That he loves him. Isn't that what every kid needs to hear. That his parents love him and are proud of him. Only after that is firmly established is it OK to hear you are a disgusting teen...put your plate in the dishwasher. And don't bloody read the newspaper when you should be chatting to your son over a coffee and cake.
If I were Amanda and Dad and genuinely committed to making DSS part of the family I would discuss strategies of ways to achieve the goal of a happier DSS. I would think about the types of positive observations that would build both DSS's esteem and his relationships with everyone else in the household. E.g. Notice something lovely about the toddler and say it reminds you of DSS. If I were Amanda I would be the instigator of planning some of those more special occasional days out for Dad and DSS and then do something special with her own kids at the same time rather than being peeved that her own teens were excluded from the Dad/son activity. I'm sure the step-parenting board has plenty of lurking disaffected unhappy step kids who will have more and better suggestions - I've never been a teenage boy and I didn't have a dad at that stage of my life.
It isn't easy. For anyone. But the adults have to be the bigger people here. They chose this situation and imposed it on their kids. That two of the teens have coped well with the transition and one less so does not make him a selfish brat - it means that the adults need to put more effort into giving the struggling one the emotional support he needs at this time so that he moves on from this troubled phase. In the future it could be one of Amanda's kids having a wobble as they come to terms with some of the baggage their bereavement has inflicted on them and she will suddenly see it very differently. She might thing about modelling the kind of support she would hope for from DH for her and her child if that were to happen in the future.

*think

Emmaroos do you not think that dh tells them things to his son of course he does. Dh doesn't read the paper while they chat he reads it while dss swims. Dh drives dss all round the South East when dss does swimming competitions. I have apologised to dss about the bedroom.

Dss is moving schools in September to one much closer so me and dh are hoping he stays much more often. We should have the extension finished by half term. He will then get the loft room.

We can't get extension till we come back from holiday.

That two of the teens have coped well with the transition and one less so does not make him a selfish brat - it means that the adults need to put more effort into giving the struggling one the emotional support he needs at this time so that he moves on from this troubled phase

I completely agree with that actually. I am not perfect but I am trying to be better. Dss has decided to stay all week and I am going to take him to training with his coach this evening.

That sounds like a really good plan. I hope he will start to integrate in the family. Being a teen is a tough time and I'm glad you're choosing to see him for the young man he is becoming. I know you have had a tough time on this thread. Sometimes we all need to be challenged to push us in the right direction. Most often not because we want to cause harm but because of our inability to see the harm we are causing.

That's great Amanda. Genuinely.
I hope this does turn out to be a temporary rough patch.
Honestly though in answer to your question, no.
From the way you presented the situation that his Dad had allowed the situation with the room and the camp bed even though he was aware it was very wrong; you accused DS of being selfish for wanting to spend the odd full day doing a fun activity on his own with his Dad; you said you pretty much ignored him as much as possible because you didn't want to clash with your selfish, lazy stepson (so unlike your perfect DC, remember )
So no, it didn't sound like a scenario where he was hearing those positive, welcoming, affirming things.

I think I was in a very grumpy mood when I started the thread that's probably why it's very negative. My children are by no means perfect. In fact their are many things they could learn from dss.

I don't think it is selfish of them spending time together. I think it is selfish when it is every week because my kids don't get to go out including my 2 year old.

Amanda you've taken on board some very harsh criticism, you've agreed to do things differently and are looking for compromises acceptable to all, I feel pretty sure all your family which includes your dss will come through this, learn from it and be better for it.

It's not selfish of them to spend time together every week. His father lives with your kids and spends time with them every day he only gets to see him for a couple of days and even then, that time is diluted and has to be shared with you, his two step brothers and his half brother.

It is not selfish of him to want to spend some one on one time with his father every week. It doesn't have to be a huge expensive trip every week but it is important that he gets it every week.

And I'm afraid, that is just something you are going to have to accept whether you like it or not if you want to have a happy, cohesive blended family.

He is "inconvenienced" 2 nights a week. As for the rest of the family.....

Oh, look who it is! How is your DSD? Still sleeping in the living room so your boys can all have their own rooms?

No I do think they should have 1:1 every week, which they do on Saturday mornings with dh taken dss swimming training. They then have a coffee after.

What I mean is that if every big weekly trip (cinema, quad biking, etc, visit to London) is 1:1 then that is not fair. When dss didn't visit long term trips which we had planned with dss

had to be just me and my kids which is hard as the two teens want to do / go somewhere I can't go with them cause I need to be with ds 2. It wasn't really selfish of dss because I understand how he felt unwelcome but it is nevertheless is annoying .

Could you not arrange a baby sitter to your youngest DC? Utilmately you did choose to have a younger DC so it's not your DSS fault that you need childcare and he shouldn't have to sacrifice his time with his dad for your boys. I would imagine theres plenty of times they get to have time with your DP when DSS is at his dad's

You said he was with you from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon? A trip to the cinema which you said "couldn't be every week" takes what, 3 or so hours round trip (depending how far it is)? That could be accomplished on Friday evening OR Saturday morning OR Saturday evening OR Sunday morning. It hardly takes over the weekend .
I think you still need to rethink this part of it.
Is the issue DSS doing something lovely with his Dad that DS1 and DS2 don't do? In that case you need to see doing things with them yourself as the solution. DH can't parent your kids at the expense of the relationship with his own.
Is the issue you being left to care for DS3?
Then, what about if every second weekend it was DH, DSS and DS3 had some time together while you were free to do something with your DS1 and DS2? Alternative weeks you three could take DS3 and DH and DSS could have some time for the two of them? I think those few hours (and sometimes whole day) are important and not a big ask out of a weekend when DSS doesn't see his Dad during the week and especially when he has been feeling so unwelcome that he had stopped visiting.

Well that's just an annoyance you are going to have to deal with.

You chose to marry a man who already had a child
You chose to have a child with him.

You cannot make DSS suffer because your choices aren't panning out in the neat, everything-on-your-own-terms way you would like.