To think Dh is wrong to blame me for stepson not visiting.

[AmandaIsHere]

My stepson (16) is no longer visiting as often as he used to. Dh usually has him from Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons. No we moved last year about 12 miles away which is not that far but to teenagers it's like being on the other side of the country. Dh has gotten quite angry with me because he blames me for stepson not visiting as I took away his bedroom a few months ago. Basically I have two children from my last marriage (16 and 13) who live full time at our house. Me and dh have a two year old together, we had to give the two year his own room because he needs a special care because of a physical disability. This room is on the ground floor unlike the other bedrooms and we will probably modify it with age to suit his needs. My father had the same condition and did not have the help at a young age causing his problems to increase later in life. Dh although agreeing to the plans said that he thinks my 13 and 16 year old should share the double. I objected because I don't think the bedrooms are big enough for two teenagers plus they are here full time. I did resent stepson about the bedroom because he did not want to move his stuff despite Me and dh explaining how it would help with the two year old. He hasn't been round here as much since I asked him to help with looking after his little brother when I had to look after my seriously ill sister at the time. When he is round I try and steer clear and leave him alone as much as possible because we do clash. But I leave to dh and he just sits and leaves all the work up to dh and my ds 16. He doesn't show much care for his younger brother at all really. I don't think I should be blamed for him not visiting I think that he'd rather be with friends. Dh has invited him to go on holiday but he is not going. I think it's important for Dh to have a relationship with his son but stepson knows that Dh will come to him and that he can avoid all of us if he doesn't visit. This is a bit selfish because it takes Dh away from us. Dh is like a dad to my two older kids who lost their father when they were young.

So am I being unreasonable?

I doubt he has much bond with his baby brother as he won't have doesn't much time with him, certainly not as much as your other children. Cut him some slack. Loads of siblings dislike each other anyway.

Spent not doesn't...

We aren't saying he shouldn't help around the house e.g clear his plate etc but I agree don't compare him to your sons they live full time and will tend to help out more. Emotions will still be high for him so ease him back gently into the fold, I would still encourage the one to one time, it sounds like he was extremely hurt so it's important things are rebuild slowly otherwise he may cease contact again.

I think he should help around his home. This clearly isn't his home.

I think the OP has done well to take on the points above, and it's a bit nitpicky to keep going at her now, when she's said she's going to make changes to make her DSS feel more part of the family.

It must be frustrating to have 2 teen boys who DO help out, while a third one just sits on his backside doing nothing - it's not good for the whole family dynamic for that to be going on.

I do understand why he wouldn't feel bonded to the 2yo though - at his age, and having to lose his bedroom and more of his Dad's time to the child, who then turns out to have complex needs that require more effort than usual, would produce a high level of "can't be fucked with this" from a teen!

So OP - stop asking him to help out with his little brother, stop expecting him to bond with him - let him alone.

Amanda chores are one thing but looking after a 2 year old with a disability that he barely knows is too much imo.

Your own teenagers are there 24/7 so have a bond with your youngest. Ds's doesn't and he is 16, the last thing he wants is to be saddled with a baby to look after. I am glad you have taken on board the comments and are admitting to having been wrong in your treatment of Dss. That is brave and courageous. However I do still think yabvu on the babysitting. Find other chores. He is there for so very little time, don't make it so much about "my kids do it so Dss will too" because the dynamics are too different and the relationship too fragile

What wheresthe said.

All of it...

It's possible that sharing with your son, he will be more willing to follow his example over chores. Give him a bit of time to settle in, and see what happens. Maybe you could even have a quiet word with your 16 yo about helping out - in a few months, not now.

That was a good update Amanda. Now your ss will feel like an equal, and hopefully he will feel more positive about visiting. Well done.

Fantastic update. My take would be to let him be part of the household and settle in. Let him see how much he is cared for and how important it is that he is there. I would also apologise to him for your hasty decisions to take a bedroom away from him. Tell him you want him to be happy and feel part of the family.

Hopefully he will settle. He's likely a confused and perhaps unhappy teen full of fluctuating hormones. He hasn't had the same upbringing as your children and doesn't share your genes. Once he has settled and sees he's a valued member of the household, maybe he will act like one and help out here and there. Cue you giving him praise.

It is up to you to be the grown up first and lead by example. Right now, you have some bridges to build and you can hardly expect him to act like an adult right now when you treated him with little respect.

Lunar it's just a saying, calm down.
Neither situations are ideal, but the best one the OP could choose is that her DSS shares with her DS rather than her 2 year old sleeping in the OP's room. Hence the saying, "lesser of two evils". It's got nothing to do with it actually being evil.

Chores & babysitting?

He doesn't even live there!

Although I don't think that any of the kids should have to look afte the youngest.

You don't get why dss doesn't care about your 2yo?

To him, it's an annoying toddler, who has taken his room, attention and a lot of care away from him.

Clearly YOU haven't cared about dss, why on earth would he care about your child?
To him theyre not siblings, since until now he's been excluded from the family. It's all of you and one of him.

You have a lot of making up to do. He may never get over this. I know I wouldn't.

Try and see things from his position. How would you feel? Someone has come into his dad's life and dss life is wrecked as a result of it. He's been ousted.

I'm glad you've put a proper bed in a room for him, make sure he has everything he needs to make that space his. A cabinet, wardrobe, drawers etc that are just his. He can keep these things tidy and organised. That's it. Otherwise he needs t be treated more like a very welcome guest, in time he'll feel more at home.

So he has no private space of his own, is made to do childcare, and you openly resent him and his dad spending time together....... I can't think why your stepson might not want to visit - sounds like a really welcoming home!!

From someone who has been through exactly this. It's so important for your DH to have time alone with his son, I'm sorry you feel that would be taking your DH away from you and your boys but his son is entitled to have time with his dad. It's obviously terrible that your boys lost their dad but that shouldn't mean that your step son should forfeit his dad, it's not fair (on any of them). If you make an issue of them spending time alone, that will become the primary issue. It's good that you have put one of your sons with your step son in a bedroom together, I would look at using some of the renovation money to employ a mother's helper for your 2yo. Your own boys kind of deserve to have some quality time with just their mum too. As much as grown ups think they can just merge teenagers together and they all become equal members of the 'new family' often doesn't work out. All of the children need time with their respective parents, one they feel the security that brings, they might all feel part of the bigger picture. You're moving too quickly and expecting too much from all of them

Once*

It's great that you're sorting out the bedroom situation, but try to lay off about your youngest DS. It's honestly very rare for teenagers to be interested in toddlers. It will happen organically over time as they age, you can't and shouldn't force it.

OP, I still don't think you get it.
It's not about a bed.
Don't you understand that at this stage your step son sees you as his Dad's inconvenient wife? The woman who replaced his mother and made it impossible for his parents to ever get back together (whether he suspects you were involved in the break up of the marriage is not my business, but will be very relevant to him). Your elder children are his Dad's wife's kids who get to spend all week with the Father that was taken away from him. His little half brother is the child who has replaced him in his Dad's life. He's a LONG way away from wanting to go on joint days out with you and even further away from wanting to take orders from you. He probably wishes (with very good reason) that you didn't exist. He didn't choose this set up. You did, and worse again, his Dad chose it over him. His Dad also chose to move further away from him AND to cement things in his new replacement family by having another kid.
Why would you think he would want to spend time with you?
If there are baseline chores (plate in the dishwasher, not leaving his mess in communal rooms etc) it should be his Dad who discusses them with his son, not you. And yes, it absolutely should be his Dad's priority to spend time 1:1 with his son over the weekend. Not necessary the whole weekend, but every weekend once or twice for at least part of the day, absolutely. You have his Dad most days and yet you begrudge him a few hours at the weekend?
If I were his Dad I would start doing regular things with the 16 year old and bring the 2 year old along too when it was appropriate. It doesn't have to be huge, a sandwich for lunch at the coffee shop on the way home from the playground. That way the 16 year old is the other 'adult' for his Dad to talk to, and what he needs more than anything else is to feel secure in where he sits in his Dad's priorities and that his Dad is giving him the space and time to have a real relationship where he can talk about what is going on in his life, about his Mum etc without you lot overhearing. I think the presence of the 2 year old would be less threatening if you and your other kids weren't there. Let them bond as a family within a family.
I suspect that your insistence that your husband is 'like a Dad' to your own children is at the root of this - maybe he is and that would be great, but maybe that's just how you want things to be. Perhaps your own two older children would appreciate a bit of 'grown up' time with their Mum too.
Wanting to spending time with the rest of you (including his little brother) will come naturally in time when your step son feels secure and welcomed and has the opportunity to build relationships with all of you. If you have any interest in building a real relationship with him then he needs to spend time 1:1 with you as well. You may not care for your own sake or his, but it will be a far happier family for your littlest guy if you can bond with his brother. Obviously you need to let go of your blatant dislike of him and your constant comparisons with your own perfect children. FYI - however great your kids are, they have plenty of faults that people who aren't their adoring Mother can see but would never tell you. It's the law of nature to stop us from abandoning our kids when they are a pain in the arse. Also, you bring your children up with your values. Other families have different ways of doing things and different values but it doesn't make them wrong and you right. It's the worst thing as a teenager to feel judged and disliked and it's certainly not likely to bring out the best in him.

Completely agree with Emmaroos who said it far better than I could.

Ive also been there. My relationship with my father wasn't great before, but it's pretty non existent since the arrival of my step mother who made it clear she'd rather my father didn't come with "baggage" as she saw us.

I imagine not having his own room will definitely be a factor. Apart from being upsetting, it's just a faff to have to sleep on a makeshift bed, live out of suitcase etc. Teenagers aren't generally terribly keen on faff & putting themselves out.

Could you give 16 yo ds & dss the biggest/master bedroom? Let them agree on decor, own separate areas etc.

Then you & dh are in next biggest room, 13yo ds in smallest room upstairs.

You can re-jig everything once you have the extension &/or one of the older boys moves out.

Dss can then see that you & dh are making a bit of a sacrifice to accommodate the whole family, which includes him. Rather than him being the one being buggered about to suit everyone else.

Yes we will change things around after the extension. Do has put up dss new bed and we had a family day where we all went out to the park and dss and ds (13,16) and dh played as well.

Not against 1:1 time but it can't be every weekend sometimes my kids would like to go out. Dss has sometimes excluded my kids when he's done things like paint-balling or quad biking. Although they should have 1:1 on a regular basis.

Why would he not exclude them? He wants time with his Dad.

I just don't think you really, truly, get that this is your DSS's actual Dad. His need to spend time with his Dad is much more important than the needs of your children who aren't his children but spend a lot more time with him.

If they were your DH's kids, I would understand you objecting to your DSS not being willing to spend time with their shared father.

But you don't realise that he understandably doesn't want to spend the precious few hours of time he gets to spend with his dad spending it with your children that he just can't match up to in your eyes.
How about all the hours your children spend with his father when he isn't around? Doing stuff that he would like to do with his dad but cant he can't just "hang out with dad at home and watch movies, play video games or chat. Because you are there with your children isisiting he shares. And making him feel like he doesn't belong and isn't a part of your family.

Can't we get off her back? She took everyone's comments onboard, they have made positive steps for her DSSs comfort, and all she said really is that it hurts her feelings that he doesn't show an interest in his 2 year old brother. Which is reasonable! Remember that people come here just to vent sometimes, they don't all go home and say the same stuff to their kids.