They think I avoided buying rounds

[Rosamund1]

I went out on a night out on Friday with people I know through a friend. DD was with grandma for the weekend. We met at the house (DH dropped me off) and I brought a bottle of vodka (good quality £25+) for 'pre-drinks'. They were drinking southern comfort and lemonade so I just had that and left the bottle there. I put in £5 towards the £20 taxi. There were seven of us and somehow a few got rounds in early. We were on the dance floor and three times someone came with a full round and shots; after having shots I was getting drunk so I decided to have water only. They had bought about five rounds an no one was getting more. I kept going to the bar for water and j was the worse for wear as I don't get out much and my tolerance has gone down so I overestimated my capacity. On the way home they stopped for a kebab, I had a few chips but didn't pay. I fell asleep in the taxi and they dropped me off home (didn't pay for that). My house is walking distance from where we were so at night max charge of £5.

There is a whatsup group we use to plan the nights out but no one is on if which makes me think there is another group I've been excluded from.

1. I should have got vas out for the kebab even though I wasn't having any.
2. I did fall over once (that's when I went on the water) and was not sick or anything - I do not have memory gaps so I think it was the 'being tight' rather than drunkenness causing the chill.

Now no one is talking to me and they think I was going to the bar to buy my own drinks I think. How do I mitigate the damage done? I posted on the group that 'it was nice to see everyone and hoped they had fun.' But only one person answered saying 'Yes, thanks' . That was two days ago.

Sanity, I wanted to be the first but they are just too quick! I am quite isolated and I don't want to be cut off from the few contacts I do have. I will bite the bullet and fork out for the bbq.

bimbobaggins so you think a table already full of drinks should have been added to? Would anyone have known OP was the one to put them there? The only one winning out of this would have been the bar.
Out in such a large crowd, I'm sure she wasn't the only one who didn't buy a round, and surely no-one holds a grudge against someone so drunk they resorted to water so early in the night.

I think you definitely should do the bbq, the fact you've only had one reply to your message on Watsap speaks volumes. You need to make it up to them.

The situation you describes is a stunning example why 'buying rounds' is such a bad idea and so easily avoided if you either agree on a kitty at the start of the evening (that could be topped up if needed) or (my preferred option) everybody gets their own drinks in.

Buying rounds encourages people to drink more than they actually want, causes all sorts of aggro (that's before the drunk people cause bother ), are wasteful and I find embarrassing - I don't need anybody to comment on how much or how little I drink.

Ask your friend outright whether there was a problem that night - chances are nobody noticed what you did or did not pay for (including the 'nice' bottle of vodka).
If there is indeed a problem, well, either find better new friends or, again, speak to them. In RL. Yy to 'next round it no me' kind of breeze text or BBQ at your house.

Buying rounds - pffffft. Really annoys me

Are you sure they've fallen out with you? Maybe they are just busy and haven't got round to replying? When you say drinks all over the table do you mean full drinks or empty glasses? If full, what good would it be to buy more? When I've been really drunk I always worry I've offended/upset people but I never have. As long as you don't make a habit of it my guess is they didn't even notice.

Pip the drinks were mostly full. I guess they are generally busy, but as you said, the lack of replies to the message spoke volumes.

I think they are being really harsh to you tbh

Gosh OP I really wouldn't feel too bad. It sounds like a hell of a hellish night out and people lost track of who did what and what was being spent. I think you have two options: host your BBq, which sounds a lovely idea and say 'had brilliant night, want to thank you all by having a do at mine', or message saying 'I was hammered and don't think I paid for cab or kebab shop...who can I transfer £20 to to cover it as I feel awful' mates will understand and if they need the cash will step up and say 'thanks, yes, me please - good night though!'

Honestly though, don't worry. No one forced anyone to buy shots and it sounds as if everyone was drunk. So a lot of anxiety in there too

Okay377 text sounds good. If anyone is miffed or out of pocket they'll speak up. Or you could just bite the bullet and text 'I was smashed Friday, did I upset anyone?" Bet they reply no and you can stop panicking.

I think they are being really harsh to you tbh

They haven't said or done anything at all. In what way are they being really harsh?

Buying rounds encourages people to drink more than they actually want, causes all sorts of aggro (that's before the drunk people cause bother wink), are wasteful and I find embarrassing - I don't need anybody to comment on how much or how little I drink

Then don't join in with them? Just because you don't personally like it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with it. It doesn't cause aggro or encourage drinking, except in people who cause aggro and already drink heavily.
If you have trouble with rounds, its the people you are drinking with!

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Everyone else was probably smashed too.

I'd not bother with the BBQ - unless it's something you normally do it seems a bit desperate. Plus its short notice for people and you'll feel crap if people don't come.

I don't personally have a problem with rounds (I do buy them when buying water for myself ), but I am not British and did not grow up with rounds being bought as a matter of course and all night long. It is possible to have a great night out without having to keep up with everybody else's drinking and the fact that British drinking culture is a bit of a worry is not a concern that I made up personally.

I agree with everybody saying to you that you are projecting your anxiety of what your friends might think ahead of actually anything having happened or been said, Rosamund.

Honestly, I think you are being too hard on yourself.

If I was in that group and you messaged me something like 'Thanks for a great night on Friday - I'm so embarrassed that I got too smashed and didn't get a round in, or pay at the kebab shop either. I must owe someone some cash - please let me know and I'll transfer.' Blah blah (don't know how to finish it off - you know your friends!)

If I received a text like this, I would think it nice if you, and it would kill any idea that you were a freeloader.

I understand 'round' culture, and have lived it, but I just couldn't get uptight about someone missing a round on the odd occasion.

I would also say that whoever was buying 'double rounds' was silly, and that buying more drinks for a covered table would have been a waste.

(by the last paragraph, I don't mean I'd also say that in the text^ )

Speaking as somebody with very little disposable income whose prior failures with money management largely stem from unwarranted over-generosity and a fondness for booze... anyone who would remain genuinely pissed off to the point of actively ignoring and WhatsApp-blocking because of a bit of drunken round-flaking needs to get a grip.

Yes it's not a perfect scenario from an etiquette perspective and yes, if the OP is/was hypothetically a serial offender then I'd probably be quite annoyed and potentially bring it up. But actually, properly "behind cupped hands" angry, in the cold light of day, that she didn't contribute enough to a piss up? Jesus. How petty and high-minded can you get?

I agree, brambly.

Basically you brought a bottle for yourself and drank it. Leaving it is irrelevant if no one else wanted it.

You drank enough drinks and shots to be horrifically drunk but didn't buy a single round or even a single drink for yourself.

You kept going to the bar for water but didn't get anyone else anything when you went. You said others bought about 5 rounds and "no one was getting more" probably waiting for you to bloody well buy one.

You ate someone's food that you didn't pay for.

You got taken home in a taxi you didn't pay for.

You had a night out and got totally hammered on everyone else's dime.

I would be absolutely livid with you tbh. If you were aware enough to switch to water and to count rounds you were aware enough to bloody well buy one.

As pp suggested a grovel and offering some cash is the way to go! If you didn't have form is forget about it if the apology was sincere.

Did every other person buy a round?

I think you are over thinking this. Unless you have form for being tight and forgetting your purse, I think it is pretty poor of them if they are miffed about you not getting a round in.

Have they read the messages and do they usually respond quickly?

It might just be that you're feeling bad as you didn't get a round in and are now over thinking it.

I think a bbq is a bit OTT. Have one if you want to have a gathering but don't martyr yourself.

Anon - how could I buy another round when the table was heaving with drinks? I explained why I didn't pay for all the food - card machine unexpectedly not working - I just had a few chips.

Have any of them been in touch?

No.