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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with unwelcome comments about my baby

131 replies

mishola · 08/08/2016 00:32

Our baby has just turned 3 months old. That's 3 months I've had of people giving 'advice'. I don't often ask for advice from people I'm not close with, but this doesn't seem to stop the comments and opinions.
The most irritating part is most of what they have to say is utter BS and they behave as if they know what's best for our baby..better than we do!
An recent example: We met up with a distant aunt so she could meet DS for the first time. He was asleep in his pushchair.. the first thing she did when she saw him was wake him up saying 'don't sleep during the day so you can sleep better at night!!!!'
I had to politely explain that he sleeps very well at night thank you very much.. and infact he needs proper naps to enable him to do so.
These instances usually happen with extended family or friends we are not particularly close with. So why do they feel entitled to do stuff like this?!
Who on earth goes around waking up other people's sleeping babies?!

I think this must strike a chord with a lot of parents. I don't think it will get easier until he is much older... any tips on how to cope/politely tell them to stfu??

Advice appreciated (this time!)

OP posts:
HerdsOfWilderbeest · 08/08/2016 00:35

Let it wash over you. People are bound to give advice - feeling annoyed about it will make you tense.

SpeakNoWords · 08/08/2016 00:37

If it's just unwanted advice I let it wash over me too, usually reply with "oh ok, that's interesting" or something non-committal. I'd have had words about someone waking my sleeping baby though, that's not on and is going beyond advice.

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2016 00:38

In my entire life I've never met anyone who has actually physically done that. It's very possible it was a one-off.

As for unasked for advice, people are well meaning and they normally come from a good, friendly place when they give advice.

Yes it's annoying, but the sooner you learn to smile and nod the sooner you'll be at peace with it all.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 08/08/2016 00:38

People will do this for as long as your child is a child. Inexplicably so.

"That's an idea" is a good way of shutting it down. It acknowledges that they said something, but that you don't intend on following it.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 08/08/2016 00:38

You need a stock phrase to trot out like "Oh yes, I'll bear that in mind in case we need it".

coconutpie · 08/08/2016 00:38

I would have actually gone fucking batshit if somebody woke my sleeping baby like that!!

lalalalyra · 08/08/2016 00:40

You won't stop it without causing offence, it's just something people feel the need for some unfathomable reason. My DD who was born in May is my 5th child, DH and I have 6 between us and I'm still getting useless suggestions from people who gave the same suggestions every other time too!

I've taken to playing silent bingo. Each visit with a particular offender I give myself a few phrases and for each one that I don't tell them to do one I give myself a reward. I promised myself a hot chocolate and a muffin at Costa last week after a visit with a specific person, but disappointingly she didn't, for once, advise giving cooled boiled water to space out feeds!

molyholy · 08/08/2016 00:40

Yes, smile politely, but ignore. Tbh, I don't think people see it as interfering, but rather as some worldly wise advice. You know your baby and they are all different. Ignore and move on. Don't get annoyed (as Herds said). It's just not worth it.

Just5minswithDacre · 08/08/2016 00:41

It comes with the territory.

Just repeat 'our way works for us' as often as you need to.

DramaAlpaca · 08/08/2016 00:42

The giving of unwanted advice used to drive me mad too.

Like Worra says, you need to learn to smile & nod, however much you are inwardly gritting your teeth.

Waking a sleeping baby is not on though. I'd say the distant aunt was just angling for a cuddle, but she was out of order.

Original poster
mishola · 08/08/2016 00:47

Thanks all. The stock phrase is a great idea and I think it will get easier to tune them out in time.
Some of the comments I've had are a little uncalled for and it's difficult not to take it in the wrong way. This is my first baby and we are trying our best to do what's right for us but of course we are learning on the job.
We were at a family engagement recently, it was very hot, loud and overcrowded and DS found it extremely overwhelming and cried every time we tried to take him inside. I had people asking me what on earth was wrong with him... had I taken him to the doctor as the crying isn't normal.. etc etc..
I knew perfectly well that he was just tired and overwhelmed but when people suggest there's something wrong with him it's quite upsetting!

OP posts:
melibu84 · 08/08/2016 00:52

Everyone here is more diplomatic than me. If anyone woke my son up, I'd tell them to F off. The sleeping moments are precious lol. Plus, what they have said goes against all baby sleep advice.

In all seriousness, if anyone gives me advice I don't think is right, I will just say so :)

MadamDeathstare · 08/08/2016 01:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

enchantmentandlove · 08/08/2016 03:17

I completely understand where you're coming from. I find it annoying when people who have only met dd once or twice think they know her better than I do, her mother who's with her 24 7. But I remind myself that they are well-meaning as irritating as it can be! As pp said I just let them know I've noted what they've said, although most of the time I don't really take it on board. At the same time I remember that sometimes others may actually have some good advice for me and I appreciate that, but prefer to have actually asked for the advice myself rather than just been given it.

Atenco · 08/08/2016 03:44

Oh it's standard. My dd had to bat off all the relatives wanting her to formula feed when she was breastfeeding and I believe that those that formula feed get criticised by the breastfeeding brigade. But after the first few months people start minding their own business.

orangebird69 · 08/08/2016 04:01

Get used to it OP. I still get 'rod' comments about cosleeping, breastfeeding ('but he's got teeth!!'), feeding to sleep my now 10mo ds. I too tell them to FRO. I don't solicit advise so don't give it to me. What I do works for us 99% of the time.

missm0use · 08/08/2016 04:52

My little girl is now six months and I can completely understand where your coming from. She mine and DP's first child and is first GC on both sides. The "helpful" advice is awful and completely overwhelmed.
Thankfully DD seems to be a twisted wee bugger like me and makes it known that she thinks their advice is shite lol!!

Once had a cashier in the supermarket come out from behind the till to show me "the secret shoogle"as DD was having a good wail, grabs the pram and proceeded to shoogle the pram - much to my delight and pride DD screamed and wailed louder, see this woman almost every day and she has NEVER tried to give advice again.

Best way I found to do deal with it was to 'correct' them with current medical advice - like giving a baby (who's breastfed) a bottle of water. Or just to flat out say "No, DD doesn't like that."

Pretty sure mil will never forgive me for exclusively breastfeeding her first grandchild so denying her the chance to feed her with a bottle! Grin

Think it must be an age thing - once women get over a certain age they forget how tiring a newborn is and how blissful the little time they sleep during the day and come out with all kinds of shite reasons to wake them up! Clearly forgetting how angry a baby is when you wake them up!

Fomalhaut · 08/08/2016 05:05

You have two options. Teflon or bore.
Teflon:smile, nod, ignore
Bore: go on in sincere and excruciating medical detail about why their opinion is against current medical opinion. Cite studies. Hold eye contact longer than needed. Really go on and on and on.

Amelie10 · 08/08/2016 05:32

No need to get so worked up about this. People are just well meaning and feel they must sort of pass on their 'expertise'. You just brush it off or let them know you have it under control. Not necessary at all to get so upset about this.

whatsthisthen · 08/08/2016 05:50

My old neighbour did this. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. she came round. Drove me fucking mental. I told her to leave baby alone, my dh told her to leave baby alone, her own dh told her to leave baby alone. In the end I let her have it big time. Thank god she's now moved away, stupid cow.

sianihedgehog · 08/08/2016 05:59

I find "That's interesting, I'll remember that" useful as a stock phrase. Totally non-committal, and leaves me open to say that I've looked into it and it's no longer recommended later if I need to.

pearlylum · 08/08/2016 06:10

No one would get close enough to wake up my sleeping babies.

OP get used to the advice. It will happen for years. I preferred the undiplomatic approach. there is no need to behave like a nice girl if people are rude enough to tell you how to parent.

DoreenLethal · 08/08/2016 06:11

Third option: 'oh gosh, dont give me any advice, with my baby brain i wont remember any of it anyway'.

pearlylum · 08/08/2016 06:19

with my baby brain i wont remember any of it anyway

Neatly reinforcing the idea that mothers are dumb or deranged.

DoreenLethal · 08/08/2016 06:38

Neatly reinforcing the idea that mothers are dumb or deranged

No - sarcasm. HTH.

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