To be fed up with unwelcome comments about my baby

[mishola]

Our baby has just turned 3 months old. That's 3 months I've had of people giving 'advice'. I don't often ask for advice from people I'm not close with, but this doesn't seem to stop the comments and opinions.
The most irritating part is most of what they have to say is utter BS and they behave as if they know what's best for our baby..better than we do!
An recent example: We met up with a distant aunt so she could meet DS for the first time. He was asleep in his pushchair.. the first thing she did when she saw him was wake him up saying 'don't sleep during the day so you can sleep better at night!!!!'
I had to politely explain that he sleeps very well at night thank you very much.. and infact he needs proper naps to enable him to do so.
These instances usually happen with extended family or friends we are not particularly close with. So why do they feel entitled to do stuff like this?!
Who on earth goes around waking up other people's sleeping babies?!

I think this must strike a chord with a lot of parents. I don't think it will get easier until he is much older... any tips on how to cope/politely tell them to stfu??

Advice appreciated (this time!)

You've got 18 years of this, and you will do it too, you think you won't be like them, but you will.

I think I might start another thread especially for the funniest/weirdest advice they've been given!
I understand it usually comes from a good place and thats why ive made an effort not to be rude to them. I try but it's hard not to take some of the comments personally when it's about your baby, although now its getting easier now I'm clear of those first couple of weeks when youre feeling particularly vulnerable and overwhelmed as a new mum!

My family are of chinese origin and DH is british pakistani but we were both born here and can confirm this happens in all 3 cultures!

My baby is 3 months old too OP - we were at a party at the weekend and I had my DD sleeping in another room. I actually saw my friend's aunt go and wake her up whilst she thought I wasn't looking. When she looked up and saw she had been caught, she rattled off the same rubbish about sleeping during the day! I just ignored her and rocked DD to sleep again.

My DM also keeps insisting that I should supplement my breastmilk with formula as my DD "must be so hungry all the time, I don't really think you are feeding her enough". Gives me the rage!!

Lots of these are down to the crap advice our own parents were given, I think. I know when I was born (late 70s) mum was told to breastfeed ten minutes each side every four hours. unsurprisingly she couldn't feed like that so I was bottle fed. My much younger brother was bf because by that time shed enough experience to tell the nurses to eff off.
Weve discussed this at length - I struggled bfing my son and mum was such a cheerleader. Her take on it was that she feels quite emotional for being given such poor advice when she was young and vulnerable. In her (because she's a reasonable person) that manifests as her not pushing advice on me, supporting me etc. She will give advice if I ask but it's very 'well, we did this but in retrospect I wish I'd.. Trust tour judgement, you're doing great' etc. In others I suspect (and so does my mum) that there's an element of guilt in the parenting tactics of their time and they are kind of coloured by that.

Most ridiculous advice I was given was to dip my nipples in white vinega after feeding to stop bacteria my pfb fed every 2hrs night and day for 18mts. Oh yes there were millions of comments about "why" I fed both of mine til they were 2&1/2 which really made me 😡. And now my DS3 has jaw length hair and the amount of family, friends and complete bloody strangers who ask when I'm getting his hair cut is beyond a joke. Mind your own bloody business! I love his hair I honestly think ppl just love doling out their pearls of wisdom as gospel, self riteous feckers!!! I feel you OP, I can honestly say
Not one bit of advice has ever been helpful and were pg with no3!

From the day my twins were born, MIL told me I wouldn't be able to BF them. Then a few weeks later, she told me I wouldn't be able to do it past the 1 month stage. Then 6 months, etc.

I BF'd them for a year, as I had with my previous DCs and as I'd stated I would.

I kept saying, "Well, it's working for now and it suits us, thanks," but on the difficult days, when all I wanted to do was stick a bottle in their mouths, it was SO demoralising.

The constant negativity when you're doing your absolute best is so wearing and I believe her many comments (about this and many other things) contributed to my PND and loss of confidence in myself.

Do these people actually believe they're helping?

The best advice I've ever had has been:

'Whatever works'
And
'Almost everything is a phase'

I keep having this from close family and it's pissing me off. I know people are well meaning but when you're exhausted and already emotional it sometimes takes every fibre of your being not to tell them to go fuck themselves. DD is EBF which is a massive deal for me as she was prem and I never managed it with DD1. She does feed pretty much constantly and if she starts crying and I say "she's hungry" people keep saying "I can give her some milk" really? Can you? What will you be doing? Stretching my breast to her mouth and holding it there? Either that or the "oh she'll be alright for a minute" while they hold her and take her in the opposite direction from where I am! I know people are trying to give me a break but if my child is hungry she needs to be fed and I don't have a problem feeding her. If I did I wouldn't be breastfeeding.

Sorry to hijack your thread OP. I don't know the answer other than telling them to fuck off, which isn't so easier when they're more distant friends or relatives. I guess the advice to let it wash over you is the most constructive but it's not always that easy.

The cheek of some people! you just have to laugh sometimes.

My SIL was horrified when I explained it only takes me under 10 minutes to BF a full feed. (I have an oversupply and overactive letdown, he pretty much just needs to suckle a bit then lie back and relax!) She kept telling me to try to keep him feeding for at least half an hour, or FF.
Some people just don't understand that their experience can be completely different to somebody elses!

Depends if you subscribe to the "it takes a village" school of thought. If so, learn to let the outdated, irrelevant stuff wash over you but keep an ear open for the occasional pearl. The friend who listened to the random person telling her her son's wonky eye wasn't just a squint will be forever grateful as her DS's brain tumour probably wouldn't have been caught in time to save his life

Itsaplay was just going to say the same thing about people not handing back a crying, hungry baby!

I'd love to know how they would feel if they were sobbing with hunger and someone kept moving their beans on toast just out of reach!

YY to all of this re breastfeeding. My DM once asked me after I'd been feeding for 15mts " why are you putting yourself through this, what are you trying to prove?" Some people just don't get it. Similar comments of shock from a complete stranger was "doesn't that hurt now she's got teeth?" No because she's not actually eating my boob 😂 it's so difficult to become confident as a parent, I was confident as a person but it took ages to have conviction in the the decisions I was making as a mother. Agree with the posters who've said "this is working for us right now" I'll remember this for the onslaught with DC3, I have so much less patience for this shit now and will have to try so hard to refrain from saying "wind your neck in" 😁

Oh no I killed it

A firm "we've decided to follow current guidelines, thanks" tends to work IME; there's no arguing with it, and it isn't actually an impolite thing to say.

YANBU though, it is an actual thing

itsaplay ARGHHHHHH why do people insist on trying to keep my hungry newborn away from me. Glad I'm not alone - we need to round up these loonatic family members (looking at you MIL) and cage them until they can control themselves

Let it go in one ear and out the other. Parenting advice changes all the time, so things that, for example, were the norm when my 2 were born are already completely verboten! People don't mean anything by it, they genuinely think they're being helpful.

Definitely not just British - my Latin American in-laws are going to pretty much raise my baby for me ;)

Is this your first baby?

I think its much more common for peopel to do this with your first.

When i had dd whos now nearly 4 i got lots of unwanted advice. It got very wearing after abit and i did start to snipe at people. I did get fed up of constantly having to explain to the same people over and over why i wasnt introducing food until 6 months.

Sometimes I feel like I spend half my life being given unwanted advice. I'm developing a way of smiling and nodding that makes me feel calmer. I find that engaging in any way just prolongs the lecture.

My unwanted advice, get used to it.....and ignore. Don't take any of it seriously and personally. You need to get over this part of parenthood where you feel the need to explain yourself.

Just let if go in one ear and out the other. We all get it from MILs etc my son is almost 5 but still needs naps in the day. You know what is best for your DS and you will do the best by him so don't worry what anyone else thinks.

Just say " iam perfectly happy with my way of parenting and so is my partner but thanks anyway" and change the subject. Or you could say " wow! When you were a first time parent did you really need so much advice in order to parent???" Mean. But will shut them up

The bad bit is that it doesn't get any better. The best part is that you just learn to tune it out.

I'm sure I've had exactly the same amount of unsolicited advice for my other children, but I've got the 'nod and smile' perfected and, frankly, I'm too busy trying to stop them all squabbling killing each other to notice it anymore!

It is very annoying, but you'll end up ignoring it :)

I hear you OP! I went to my parents at the weekend where a friend of my DF was there with his partner, both of whom I've never met nor are particularly close with DF. I was collecting my DM so kept my 3 week old in the car seat but these friends of my DF came over to have a look at her, which was fine. The woman then as soon as she saw my DD sucking on her dummy quickly said oh she's got wind her, you need to put her on your shoulder and give her a good rub to get the wind up. I looked at her and couldn't believe she was a) telling me my child had wind from looking at her in her car seat and b) telling me how to wind her like I was some kind of clueless mother (I already have a 3 year old). I think some people just can't help themselves and think they are giving you some kind of wisdom when actually they are just being completely patronising!
I also had a childless colleague offer me advice of just to 'get up earlier in the morning' in order to make my morning less stressful in making a 20 mile round trip on a busy motorway before getting on my train to work....she's pregnant now so can't wait to impose the same wisdom when she's having an equally stressful morning!