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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with unwelcome comments about my baby

131 replies

mishola · 08/08/2016 00:32

Our baby has just turned 3 months old. That's 3 months I've had of people giving 'advice'. I don't often ask for advice from people I'm not close with, but this doesn't seem to stop the comments and opinions.
The most irritating part is most of what they have to say is utter BS and they behave as if they know what's best for our baby..better than we do!
An recent example: We met up with a distant aunt so she could meet DS for the first time. He was asleep in his pushchair.. the first thing she did when she saw him was wake him up saying 'don't sleep during the day so you can sleep better at night!!!!'
I had to politely explain that he sleeps very well at night thank you very much.. and infact he needs proper naps to enable him to do so.
These instances usually happen with extended family or friends we are not particularly close with. So why do they feel entitled to do stuff like this?!
Who on earth goes around waking up other people's sleeping babies?!

I think this must strike a chord with a lot of parents. I don't think it will get easier until he is much older... any tips on how to cope/politely tell them to stfu??

Advice appreciated (this time!)

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 09/08/2016 18:50

I know lots of people would say 'just suck it up, grit your teeth, ignore it'

But I don't agree with that. My nanna thinks she knows everything about babies, she was the worst for giving out advice, although my whole family handed out a fair bit.

I asked them not to give me any advice, because it stressed me out at best and made me feel inadequate at worst. They might know their babies, but they don't know mine.

Jessikita · 09/08/2016 18:55

Even though it used to annoy me when people have me their unasked for advice, when a friend announces a pregnancy or has a baby I have to physically stop myself from giving them advice! It just sort of springs in my head to say stuff that worked for me and my children. I do stop myself though but it does spring to mind!
It's annoying but I think it's just ingrained in people.

Wherethefucksthefuckingtuna · 09/08/2016 19:05

The advice bollocks would just go over my head. Waking my baby would not however and I would've said something along the lines of 'what the actual fuck do you think you're doing?' The ruder the better in order to dissuade that person from ever coming near my baby again, family or not I really don't care.

MrsM67 · 09/08/2016 19:23

OP it sounds like you are doing a great job! I had my only son at 38 (not by choice but nature was a bitch) and I hated getting advice because I resented being treated as stupid. However, the best advice was from my lovely sister-in-law who suggested taking everything on board and storing it away in case you needed something to try when everything else failed! Just smile sweetly and change the subject!!!

pollymere · 09/08/2016 19:29

This happened to me, you just learn to filter stuff. I did pick up some useful advice from the oddest sources. One old lady told my daughter's red eyebrows were due to her needing a nap. She had quite red hair so I thought it was just another piece of old wives tale but actually I found she would always nap if I laid her down when her eyebrows were red, before she got overtired and that she wouldn't nap otherwise!

Wdigin2this · 09/08/2016 19:54

They only advice I give young mothers I know is.....don't listen to any advice you haven't asked for!

lordsteatime · 09/08/2016 19:56

my MIL told me very seriously that my 3rd child was not getting enough from my breastmilk, as it was ' as it gets very watery with each baby so a 3rd baby is not getting enough actual milk, but water'.

my mil bottle fed her 3 babies as she was given and believed this advice. needless to say my sil didn't succeed to any long term breastfeeding, as she listened to her mother, and fed 10 mins from each boob as her mother suggested and constantly winded them before any real decent sucking happened for any length of time. Her first infant lost loads of weight and this led to 'proof' that she couldn't breastfeed like her mother. It was a great shame as in every other area my mil was a fantastic woman and mother. I suspect that when my nieces have their own children they will be given the same old advice.

ThisIslandGirl · 09/08/2016 20:00

'One old lady told my daughter's red eyebrows were due to her needing a nap. She had quite red hair so I thought it was just another piece of old wives tale but actually I found she would always nap if I laid her down when her eyebrows were red, before she got overtired and that she wouldn't nap otherwise!'

Say what now??

Plaintalkin · 09/08/2016 20:05

People can give as much advice as they like ....but you don't have to take it .

Fourfifthsof · 09/08/2016 20:05

Drives me batshit bonkers too OP - I feel your pain.

I find though that with me, it depends who is saying it - if it my MIL then I immediately get annoyed because she drives me mental all the time anyway...

I used to explain myself etc but not I just either try to let it wash over me, sarcastically say thank you or in the case of MIL chuckle and tell her how funny she is and that that parenting advice has changed a bit in the last 30 years and we tend not to let babies bellow their heads off for hours on end these days because it is "good for the lungs".

The short answer is that they never stop. It's annoying. Have a nice glass of wine. Wink

EssexMummy1234 · 09/08/2016 20:20

Ah yes- the thing is you have to remember at all these trying moments the mumsnet mantra 'this to shall pass'

JugglingFromHereToThere · 09/08/2016 20:36

I found it quite wearing (sp?) when a relative was advising me on how to space out feeds with longer gaps between when DD (my first) was only a few days old.
For something neither of us had done before I thought we were both doing bloody well, and entertaining guests at the same time!

I think people feel it will somehow strengthen their connection with you but I find it often has the opposite effect!

PickAChew · 09/08/2016 20:37

Sadly the 10 minutes per side, every 4 hours advice was still being peddled a decade or so ago, when mine were babies.

Ghanagirl · 09/08/2016 20:44

I'm a Midwife and Health Visitor but still got lots of rubbish advice particularly from DH's family.
I remember DH's childless sixty year old Aunt telling me never to pick up my twins when they cry and my niece (who was around 8 then) saying to me "that lady really bossy"!
I think you should listen to health professionals but still make up your own mind what's best for you and baby😊

JugglingFromHereToThere · 09/08/2016 20:48

Fortunately I was mainly getting the advice to BF on demand eg from health visitors etc. DD is 17 so this was a few years ago. Sounds like I was fortunate. I don't think cluster feeding was quite so well understood or accepted then as now though. And basically a few days old baby isn't going to feed like one a few months old.

CandODad · 09/08/2016 20:53

You need to adopt a Mrs Brown "that's nice" approach to all advice you have not asked for. If it feels right, try it, if it works great, if not try again with something different.

SquedgieBeckenheim · 09/08/2016 20:57

My MIL was the worst for this (and I will never forget one evening when DD was 6 weeks old, MIL insisting I sit down to eat dinner while DD was screaming her tiny head off from hunger in the next room with FIL. Never have forgiven her for that). I just adopted the smile and nod, then cry after approach. Now I have a thicker skin and would tell her where to go!

Kika0104 · 09/08/2016 21:20

I think this is common. I definitely experienced it with my first and to start off with i didn't mind but as she got a little older and I got to know her personality and what worked and what didn't, I didn't need advice from the older generation whose experience of raising babies is 30 years + out of date. It did used to grate on me (especially when a lot of it was nonsense) and put a bit of a strain on my relations with the PILs but it does get a lot easier as they get older. Wheb you have more than one you definitely tune out a lot easier.

divafever99 · 09/08/2016 21:26

I can sympathise with you op. I got plenty of "advice" from people with dd1, some total strangers. I hated it, as a nervous first time mum it made me really doubt myself at times. You know your baby best, just smile and ignore. I've had very little advice with dd2, it's great!

Billyjoelene578 · 09/08/2016 21:55

At the get together after DS1's christening, most people took not much notice of happy, smiley DS as I walked around with him. After about an hour I fed him and put him down for nap (he was 3 months); 5 mins later people started asking where he was, and a couple askede to go get him. I politely said he needed about an hour or he'd be tired and grumpy. Next thing I knew, mil had vanished - I found her standing over DS waggling his legs and saying 'Wakey wakey!'. He was a heavy sleeper, so didn't stir :-D, and I told her pretty clearly to pack it in, but I totally sympathise - some people seem to think babies are public property!

monkeymamma · 09/08/2016 22:44

Baz Luhrmann said something along the lines of... Giving advice is just a way to come to terms with your own experience. I just remember this when being given unsolicited advice and it makes it easier to smile sweetly and ignore. Try saying 'oooh yes auntie Doris, well you'd know all about that what with your two. I bet it seems like five minutes ago since they were babies, the time goes so fast doesn't it' and then let auntie Doris go on for a bit about glass bottles and carriage sprung silver cross prams. Job done!

enchantmentandlove · 09/08/2016 22:52

I had this today in the post office, the lady started giving me advice on dd who she had seen for all of 2 minutes in her pram. DD was getting a little grizzly as she was tired, and I was told to just leave her she has to learn as that's what she did with hers (dd is 8 weeks). I know she was well meaning but a little annoying! I find it interesting that strangers feel they can comment on your parenting, for example if an overweight person came into the post office I doubt she would have said "what you need to do, is start slimming world, that's what I did"!

Marymoosmum14 · 10/08/2016 00:44

Tbf it doesn't get better just changes. I have this with my DD, she is 2 and still uses a dummy, I know some people frown on this, but we are only just looking at potty training, one thing at a time.
She tends to pick it up before we go out and tbh we don't always realise she has it until we get to where we are going. Everywhere we go it is the same thing, 'what's that in your mouth?' 'you don't need that!' 'Give it to me' It drives me mad. She is my daughter, she is 2 if she still wants her dummy for the time being she can have it! If she hasn't given it up herself by 4 I will work with her on giving it up until then mind your own business.

babypeach · 10/08/2016 08:32

Op my mil still likes to wake my 9mo ds so she can see him. With typical baby timing my lo will often be just drifting off to sleep from a nice feed (yep I get told about this too!) when she comes in. Mil can see what's going on but always clatters just enough to rouse him and despite my shushing him (and her) she stands there going "hello" until he wakes up.
She also likes to tell me to wait a bit he's fine over things like feeding nappy changing and dishes out truly amazing advice on a regular basis. Luckily for me no one else is like that I know so I've only got her to contend with!