To be fed up with unwelcome comments about my baby

[mishola]

Our baby has just turned 3 months old. That's 3 months I've had of people giving 'advice'. I don't often ask for advice from people I'm not close with, but this doesn't seem to stop the comments and opinions.
The most irritating part is most of what they have to say is utter BS and they behave as if they know what's best for our baby..better than we do!
An recent example: We met up with a distant aunt so she could meet DS for the first time. He was asleep in his pushchair.. the first thing she did when she saw him was wake him up saying 'don't sleep during the day so you can sleep better at night!!!!'
I had to politely explain that he sleeps very well at night thank you very much.. and infact he needs proper naps to enable him to do so.
These instances usually happen with extended family or friends we are not particularly close with. So why do they feel entitled to do stuff like this?!
Who on earth goes around waking up other people's sleeping babies?!

I think this must strike a chord with a lot of parents. I don't think it will get easier until he is much older... any tips on how to cope/politely tell them to stfu??

Advice appreciated (this time!)

I keep reminding myself how annoying it is and how much it upset me so that I keep my own mouth shut. It seems like everyone I know has a baby at the moment and just nod when I'm being told about trying CIO at 2 months or keeping the baby awake all day so they sleep at night etc. None of my business.

Smile and nod!!
And try not to waste precious minutes being annoyed about something every mother from the dawn of time has no doubt has to contend with!

When my son was teeny - just a couple of weeks old - my MIL came to visit with her friend. Her friend has four (now grown up) children so she was an expert. She told me I was spoiling him by feeding him on demand and that I was being silly feeding him during the night. She said she gave her babies cooled boiled water for the first couple of weeks when they cried at night, then stopped going to them at all in the night and they soon got used to it.

When she left, I cried for about an hour because I couldn't bear to think of her poor hungry babies, crying in the night for someone who wouldn't feed them (I was still fairly hormonal!).

I'd always quite liked that woman but it changed the way I felt about her and now I mostly just avoid her.

It's standard. MIL used to do the waking up thing, even though she looked after dd for at least one morning a week so spent plenty of time with her when dd was awake. For some reason, when mil 'popped' round (sometimes 3 times a week) she always felt the need to wake dd up, and me sometimes too.

Advice was always "interesting" to me, by the way, but ultimately ignoreable.

I think a lot of this advice is based on what the advice was when they had babies & it probably worked for them as babies are adaptable. The only advice I ever give is not to jump up to grab a crying baby immediately, give it around a minute just to check it is a proper cry & not the baby equivalent of talking in their sleep

DS is 14mo. Bus stops are the very worst for this kind of 'advice', although cafes and public benches come in joint second.

Two types of irritating bus stop parenting, they usually go like this:

The Guilter: 'Where's his hat/dummy/toy/miscellaneous item?' - ODFOD. At home, cos I'm such a shit mum, of course.

The Point-to-Maker: 'Is he teething?' 'Not right now.' 'Have you tried teething granules, his mouth looks sore'. 'No.' 'Amber beads?' 'No.' 'You should try this brand of teething gel.' 'Uhhuh.' 'Or a bit of brandy.' 'Mmmhmm.' And so on and on...

One lady also tried to tell me Prince Harry was over 40 during one of these conversations and refused to believe me when I said he wasn't and did the maths. Some of these people are not tuned in to receive, they only broadcast.

If they're nice to me, I'm nice to them. If they're laying on the guilt or getting arsey, I no longer feel the need to be polite and will just ignore, give a stock response or walk away.

YY to those who say about people keeping their hungry baby away from them. it used to make me quite distressed.

MIL was obsessed with putting DS outside to sleep as well - practically every time I left the room I'd come back to find an irate baby parked under a tree somewhere. I smile about it now but it made me very cross at the time.

I was at a bellydance show some years ago with dd. She was 2.5 at the time. There was an interval during which a band played traditional music. DD started running about having been sitting pretty quietly during all the performances for some 45 minutes.

A woman in front of us scowled and turned round and whispered "she needs to show respect, they are playing."
I just told her DD was 2.5 and that it was the interval.

Still rankles three years on.

People are more polite than me. I would have told her what I thought if she woke my baby. I also tell mil what I think of her "advice" but that's because I can't stand the woman.
I have my son a drink of Apple juice as a treat at a fair the other day and a woman said lost my so everyone around could hear "he should have water, juice will rot his teeth".
I couldn't stop myself from announcing "he's my child ill do as i damn well please" and walked away. Not my proudest moment but it felt good.
Using a phrase is probably the best way to go tho!

yes to stock phrase. mine was "i'll think about that"
it becomes automatic fairly quickly and shuts them up when they want to engage in a discussion about the pros/cons, your "techniques" etc...

most people i think are just trying to strike up a conversation.

I once had a fella with about 4 (very rotten) teeth tell me to rub brandy on my youngest's gums when she was teething. He reckoned his mum had done it to him and he was fine

I think family members think it's acceptable, because they are your family. I can't imagine a friend or random person waking a sleeping baby. If a family member is older they think they are helping and passing on their experience/knowledge. Unfortuntately it just comes across as patronising - 'you are less experienced than me and I feel my advice will influence you'. It's human nature and everyone experiences these kinds of things within their own family. Best politely brushed side.

I just used to smile and say 'i will remember that, thanks' albeit sarcastically.

My MIL actually told me when i was 3ms pregnant that i should have already started thinking about what i was going to do about going back to work after baby was born. she also felt the need to express her disappointment that i was unable to breastfeed when DS was born - needless to say ive never had a good relationship with her, especially after developing post natal depression and being told it was my issue alone to deal with! Horrid woman.

I think if it's strangers/distant relatives it's easier to ignore /brush off with a diplomatic response. However my parents always tried to give me advice- really really hard to let it wash over as it was so so out of date, wrong and delivered in a dictating kind of way. I've had huge arguments with them over the years trying to defend, justify my position and have come to conclusion it's a waste of time. Now it's not so much about the kids and whether or not a good smack will help ( had that force fed to me) but my political views or whatever is the topic of the day. When I was severely ill my father told me I should not have listened to the doctor but as my mum reads lots of 'magazines' I should have listened to her. If I'd done that - I'd be dead by now. I've had Brexit emails galore and my Dad gets so furious as he tried to force his opinions on me that even my husband has to tell him to calm down. He calls it 'passion'. I call it aggression and coercion. It's a shame as in other ways they try to be loving parents. To be honest having just spent a week with them ( they live a distance away) I have returned this time feeling emotionally abused to be honest. I look back and realise aswell that this was also my childhood. It makes me very sad. Sorry. Hope I haven't gone off track but the post struck a nerve with my today and I empathise with the OP.

Let it go in one ear and out the other. But, if they are insistent on giving unsolicited advice say "Our paediatrician says we are to do it this way" constantly and every single time...

Yes it's unfortunately normal. You know the best for your baby, they just think they do. I second the idea of "our paediatrition tells us..."

I was in my early twenties when I had my 2 so therefore I must not be able to parent as well as folks 10 years my senior. Endless patronising advice criticism from well meaning people.
Though I have to say that some of the advice was useful. So polite response is prob best.
Can't imagine what I would have done if someone had woken my sleeping baby!
re: the whole breast feeding vs bottle. My MIL was desperate for my first to take a bottle (so she could babysit overnight.)
I used to express milk and freeze it so she could stay overnight and I could go to work (when she was about 6 months old.) I sent my DD off with a supply of expressed milk. Went to pick up DD and MIL had binned all my milk and gone out and bought formula. Said the breast milk smelt funny. (I had explained it would look different than formula etc. I just assumed she knew what she was talking about but was annoyed she hadn't phoned and asked. In hind sight, it was because she felt uncomfortable about it and had also used formula for her kids.

Happy - I would be beyond angry if someone binned all my breastmilk and fed formula.
Just had an argument in the supermarket with my DM this afternoon in the baby aisle.

She put some formula in the trolley 'for in a few weeks, you know, because your breastmilk isn't satisfying her anymore. She keeps chewing her fingers'

I said that I didn't want to hear anymore comments about formula, my breastmilk is fine.

Also that I shouldn't let my baby sleep in my arms or feed on demand.

And agree totally with previous posters about random people either taking my hungry baby away from me or taking her dummy away because 'you shouldn't give her a dummy'.

Oh god yes. My mother is one for advising I give my BF baby some cooled boiled water when it's hot, even though I reply each time that he doesn't need it, my milk v hydrating etc. My mother (who has no experience of BF) also advised me that I'll need to switch to formula at some point as my BM won't be enough for my baby anymore My parents offered unwelcome advice that I do traditional weaning instead of baby led as "it'll be too messy" and "you won't know how much he's getting".

I find strangers have actually offered the best advice - when I used to go out with my newborn in his pram id get the odd person giving me reassuring smiles and telling me "it will get better".

I think though that if I do become a granny one day I will still talk things over with DD or DIL (if there is one one day!), hopefully just to see how things are going for them. I think it can be good to talk and maybe share experience. I don't think it's the advice itself, it's how it's offered isn't it?

- Basically I will probably be just as bad myself one day

I have a friend who does this whose baby is about 5 months older than mine. It also extends to comparing them and sending me pictures of them saying look how much bigger my baby is etc. It would be like me comparing my DS to a brand new baby and saying oh look he is bigger than them...very odd. Makes me feel a bit sad to be honest as she is constantly making me feel like DS is behind, had a little cry about it after I'd seen her today.

I'm sorry it made you feel bad seeing your friend tappity that's such a shame.
I expect being 5 months younger your DS is slightly smaller and "behind" hers in his development (only because of the age difference!) It would be strange if that wasn't the case?!
Do you have other friends with babies closer to yours in age and less insensitive parents ?

Yes Juggling lots, but she is a close friend and her DD is my goddaughter! I agree it would be odd if my 4.5 month old were doing the same stuff as her 9 month old. However she'll say oh DD was doing this at X age, lets compare. I'll say all babies are different and she'll point out his 'faults'... I don't think she is doing it on purpose but DS had a stroke as a newborn so I'm slightly paranoid about his development anyway, I don't need someone else helping!

The size/weight thing is particularly daft as despite the age gap her DD weighs less than 2lb more than my DS and she was saying to him, oh you're as light as a feather compared to DD...erm...

My first baby cried all the bloody time (colic) so I tried whatever anyone suggested. Did annoy me when she had cried all day and in desperation I put her in the sling bad walked round the park. I'd just come off the phone to my dh who is called for sanity demanding he left work on the dot or so help him... Anyway a woman helpfully suggested dd sounded hungry. If she was hungry I would have fucking fed her! I did snap at that random stranger. With twins I just got lots of "I don't know how you cope" but no offers of help. I think you need to chill and develop a sense of humour.