To think that they should shut the fuck up

[KatMcGee]

I don't like DH's family.

They don't like me.

We've been together for 5 years, married for 2, we live in London whilst DH's family thankfully live way up north.

I'm not the easiest person to deal with but I'm not horrid, I keep to myself, I don't really do nature or cooking or anything that takes me away from a mobile signal

DH has a massive family and every summer they all meet up at his parents property, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins which is in the middle of nowhere.

I did this once 4 years ago and I hated every bloody second of it, they go hiking at dawn, they have family sports days, which is just grown men kicking a ball around whilst the women cheer from the sidelines , tend to kids etc

I've managed to avoid it ever since but this year DH wouldn't relent and he managed to talk me into it.

It's day 2 and I'm ready to head home. It seems that all of DH's excuses over the years weren't believed and I've been assigned the role of the evil daughter in law.

Everyone keeps giving me snide comments.

They were up at dawn for their fucking hike yesterday and I crawled out of bed to join in and not be a spoilsport and I was bombarded with snide comments

SIL: "Oh dear, if you can't keep up, you shouldn't have come along"

A random aunt: "those boots look brand new, I hope you're not throwing DH's money away" I work, I earn more than DH, I don't hike, so I had to buy boots and when I told this to random aunt, she looked at MIL and said "you were right about her"

Yesterday afternoon when all the woman were cooking in the kitchen, I was in the bedroom as I can't cook but another SIL called me down and so I went down.

"Oh why'd you bring her down" said very fucking loudly by MIL "I mean she won't be much help, girl can't even cook"

I ignored her, went on my phone as they were going on about little Barnaby (not his real name) teething and not coping well with all the noise/people.

I sat their thinking, why bring a teething toddler to this mad house but kept my mouth shut.

BIL walks through the door, joins in the Barnaby talk, looks at me and says "you'll be dealing with all this soon" I pulled a face, it was a natural reaction, lasted only for a second

MIL pipes up "Oh didn't you know, Madam over there doesn't want children, she's too busy with her career" it was said with a smile but with so much fucking venom.

I smiled and said "DH, can't stand the little brats either" then bombarded DH with texts. He walked in five minutes later and I've refused to let him leave my side.

He didn't go out to the lake with all the boys this morning and sat right next to me throughout this afternoons barbecue. This has only led to more comments, if I hear one more snide remark I'm going to tell them to shut the fuck up and then leave.

I won't survive till Friday, I'm thinking of faking ill tonight and leaving in the morning but DH refuses to play along.

You do sound a lot worse than them to be honest. Next time don't bother with excuses, just say you don't want to go. It will probably make them happier and you too.

I've been in your shoes OP. I've been the one who has had the shitty comments, but I wasn't up for making my then DP miserable. We only saw his family once in a blue moon, thankfully. I was all kinds of wrong in their eyes, and it was painful, but he loved them.

The compromise was that I got on OK with his dad, so when we were all together, I spent my time chatting to him. I'd also take myself out for the day on the pretence of wanting to get to know the area.

This may be one of those times when you suck it up for a bit. You can always refuse to go next year.

I spent hours with them, hike, bike ride, grocery shopping, I then chose to go into the bedroom instead of cooking, the men didn't have to cook, they were in the garden relaxing. Why does that make me look lazy and not them?

I think the fact you've made every effort to avoid their family holiday for so long means they're going to be resentful of you, and if I was your DH I'd feel so torn and unhappy that neither you nor his family can make more of an effort for a few days with a bit of understanding on both sides that everyone's idea of fun is different

You all seem set on not getting on and creating a longer term row

gamerchick it wouldn't be AIBU about inlaws without someone suggesting a spa, I'm just proud I got there first!!!

Kat - I had these problems with DHs family in the first few years of being together. They were caravaners, my idea of hell, and were always off for a yomp in a boggy field during a rain storm.I don't do pointless walking, only to bars and shops and am delighted to see views on a postcard. They found me stuck up and, no mobiles in those days, I took a book everywhere we went and found it impossible not to yawn constantly.
Roll on 20 years. DH and I are the only couple still together. MiL annoying,but a loving presence in her GCs lives and since she was widowed, I can see her vulnerability.
I tested my DHs love by being so difficult with his family, I don't regret it, I was a stubborn yuppie in those days but I'm so pleased we came through it. Grit your teeth, say you don't want to do their activities, have a strong gin and get back to your phone...but hang on in there 😎

I think they sound unfriendly and you sound rude.
The 'brats' comment was outrageous...you made yourself seem a right horror there. Well done.

Could you try and just suck it up for the sake of your DH for one week?
No one came out well from your description. Let the comments go. Family events aren't supposed to always be enjoyable. Treat it as character building!

Jesus, you sound awful. You love your Dh. He loves seeing his family. The last time you did this was four years ago but youre doing it now?

You hero you.

You're so right space

Why didn't you go out into the garden then with the men? You haven't whinged about them, so make an effort with them and they might see a glimmer of something likeable about you.

Sometimes when we go on holidays with DHs family, they get into who annoyed auntie Ida in 1976 and discussions about when exactly cousin Harry bought the Ford Fiesta. And because I can't join in I sit on my phone or read a book or whatever. No-one has a problem with this. Same for DH. I'm honestly baffled why anyone would do otherwise!

So go sit in the garden with them men then instead of hiding in the bedroom being anti social.

Sticker, everything is done by gender or altogether, DH sticking around their female only activities today (more cooking and a very long walk) has not endeared me to any gender, the mere idea of me tagging along with the menfolk is unthinkable in his family

I'd leave, it sounds dreadful. As for the cooking thing , I'd be happy to take my turn, I like to cook, but only if the men were too! I don't feel sorry for your dh either. If my family were talking to my dh like that I'd be quite specific that it was entirely unacceptable if they didn't pack it in that we'd be leaving. Together.

They sound really mean, but do you think, being so loud-mouthed, they would be open to a discussion? Like when aunt says, "you were right about her", can you ask in a friendly manner how so? Sounds like BIL and SILs are trying to include you and isn't that a good thing? Maybe try to forge relationships there.

I was talking to a woman the other day about her DIL issues. She was saying how she thought DIL was rude and didn't really care about her son because she made no effort to join in family cooking time etc (which admittedly her son also did) and DIL just sat on her phone. I pointed out that maybe DIL just felt overwhelmed and shy and she said she figured this out eventually, understood that DIL hadn't come from such a family-time type background, and slowly backed off and tried to include her more gently. They love each other now. Very much reminded me of my MIL actually. We are close and get along great now but that took about 16 years to happen.

I've been there with the snide comments from MIL and especially SIL. Like once when I was sitting in the car with just them they started laughing about me and making quiet comments. So rude. I just got out. It was all because I was shy/socially awkward and somehow therefore wasn't good enough for DP. That said I really did start to goad them when it became clear they weren't going to grow up. Two wrongs...

Anyway! This was really hard for DP. He really loves and is so close to his family and all our behaviour upset him so much. As your partner of course you are closer and therefore should be each other's first point of contact for dealing with this. I gave in because I didn't want to hurt him and went along to things until I just said no more and we'll be staying in hotels from now on. He duly informed them of this. After much begging on their part we did stay with them and what was essentially a power play worked and they backed right off after that.

I think you are in a good position in a way because you have actual proper quotes your DP can bring up to them and ask them why they said that. And do the hotel thing if you can!

In my situation it was all so passive-aggressive. They would be perfectly nice while DP was there, like SIL loudly saying we should get manicures together, then totally freezing me out/ignoring me as soon as he left the room. If they are happy to openly say how they feel have your partner use this to change things. Talk to your partner and make a clear plan of action. If he doesn't care if you never see them again then fine, but if you care about him and he wants you to know them then you should both find a solution to the problem.

And get off your bloody phone. It doesn't matter if you don't know the people they talk about. Just listen and try show an interest. Maybe some of the stories are funny. Regardless, putting your phone down while people are talking is basic manners. You're not 3 so don't act like it. And don't say mean things like the "brat" comment that will alienate BIL or SILs. Sounds like they're on your side to an extent so why would you want to be mean to them?

I notice you've said about a billion times that you're not nice/you're a cow. I'm assuming this is just defensiveness and bravado because that's not something to be proud of. If you genuinely are proud of being awful you need to grow up.

Everyone is being unreasonable here.

I could understand your pov if you were expected to have your dh's family intrude on your life regularly, but this is a once a year gathering which has been opted out of for the past four years. One day in and it's overtly rude comments and face in your phone. I don't know how much sympathy you can expect.

Oh got Kate I thought the phone thing was a bit rude of you but I was wrong. Now I think the fact you have not hurled the phone at them in frustration at their 1950s step ford group think illustrated how restrained you are capable of being. They sound utterly painful.

I don't like Dc being called brats either, but Op was clearly goaded into that retort.

I don't think what you said was that bad at all.

If I'd forced myself to go somewhere I knew people hated me I'd certainly react like that but way, way bitchier

But I'd never have gone. Ever. And you should go home

And I think you sound quite funny and smart.

My god this sounds like one hell of a culture clash! OP, you sound like my DH the first time he did anything with my family. They're loud, in each others' pockets and fairly "rural", I guess. Also Welsh. DH found it incredibly difficult. I could see he was making a hell of an effort: they thought he was stuck up.

By the same token, his family is very southern, vair middle clarse and fucking difficult for me to deal with. They think I'm common (I have been referred to in my hearing as DH's "bit of rough", as well as getting casual racism from some of his less pleasant uncles), and lack "class". (Except my MIL, whom I adore and who loves me to bits...)

We do the occasional big family dinner with each other's families, nothing more. If we go to a big get-together without thenother, we just get shirty with relatives who call us stuck up/pikey.

Kat - you don't sound awful to me , just different to your in laws. You have made an effort to join in even through you're out of your comfort zone. Digs like that would get anybody down the problem is when you bite back it just reinforces their opinion of you. But to hell with them, you married your DH not his family!

I think you and your DH sound great, but you are in a really difficult and annoying situation.

No idea why OP is getting a hard time. If I was treated like that, I'd retreat and be on my phone.

If I was spoken to like that, I'd retaliate too. OP only snapped back once. She joined in all the activities, but was berated for not 'helping' when the men didn't have to.

OP why did your DH make you come if it was like this last time? Did he think they wouldn't be so nasty? IMO it sounds like they're getting 'revenge' for you not coming past years.

How did the male relatives treat you?

You're stronger woman than me OP - I'd have been in tears. Hold on to your anger! Then again if they saw you cry they might realise wat utter shits they've been

I feel for you op I really do. I'm in a similar position. It's ok for Dhs mum and family to insult me and take the piss every time I see them. But the minute I react there's bad feeling - either way- if I ignore it I'm a stuck up cow who thinks I'm better than them, or if I call them on it and tell them how rude they are I'm accused of being angry/confrontational/overly sensitive/ can't take a joke etc etc etc.

All explained away with "you know what they're like...."

Imo not good enough. It's not ok.