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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that they should shut the fuck up

390 replies

KatMcGee · 07/08/2016 20:03

I don't like DH's family.

They don't like me.

We've been together for 5 years, married for 2, we live in London whilst DH's family thankfully live way up north.

I'm not the easiest person to deal with but I'm not horrid, I keep to myself, I don't really do nature or cooking or anything that takes me away from a mobile signal

DH has a massive family and every summer they all meet up at his parents property, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins which is in the middle of nowhere.

I did this once 4 years ago and I hated every bloody second of it, they go hiking at dawn, they have family sports days, which is just grown men kicking a ball around whilst the women cheer from the sidelines , tend to kids etc Hmm

I've managed to avoid it ever since but this year DH wouldn't relent and he managed to talk me into it.

It's day 2 and I'm ready to head home. It seems that all of DH's excuses over the years weren't believed and I've been assigned the role of the evil daughter in law.

Everyone keeps giving me snide comments.

They were up at dawn for their fucking hike yesterday and I crawled out of bed to join in and not be a spoilsport and I was bombarded with snide comments

SIL: "Oh dear, if you can't keep up, you shouldn't have come along"

A random aunt: "those boots look brand new, I hope you're not throwing DH's money away" I work, I earn more than DH, I don't hike, so I had to buy boots and when I told this to random aunt, she looked at MIL and said "you were right about her"

Yesterday afternoon when all the woman were cooking in the kitchen, I was in the bedroom as I can't cook but another SIL called me down and so I went down.

"Oh why'd you bring her down" said very fucking loudly by MIL "I mean she won't be much help, girl can't even cook"

I ignored her, went on my phone as they were going on about little Barnaby (not his real name) teething and not coping well with all the noise/people.

I sat their thinking, why bring a teething toddler to this mad house but kept my mouth shut.

BIL walks through the door, joins in the Barnaby talk, looks at me and says "you'll be dealing with all this soon" I pulled a face, it was a natural reaction, lasted only for a second

MIL pipes up "Oh didn't you know, Madam over there doesn't want children, she's too busy with her career" it was said with a smile but with so much fucking venom.

I smiled and said "DH, can't stand the little brats either" then bombarded DH with texts. He walked in five minutes later and I've refused to let him leave my side.

He didn't go out to the lake with all the boys this morning and sat right next to me throughout this afternoons barbecue. This has only led to more comments, if I hear one more snide remark I'm going to tell them to shut the fuck up and then leave.

I won't survive till Friday, I'm thinking of faking ill tonight and leaving in the morning but DH refuses to play along.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 07/08/2016 20:26
Grin

That sounds totally like my kind of family meeting, so I cannot really empathise about how much you hate it

However, you are you.
Own it.
Don't make excuses, don't be defensive, don't buy new boots or anything.
You agreed to go along for your DH's sake - fine: we all compromise in relationships. But accept your place in the family as The City Girl Who Cannot Cook And Who Does Not Like Children and hold your head high.

They are more likely to accept you if you are the honest article even if you are quite alien to them, than when you make some kind of half-arsed attempt to join in while making it very obvious that you are bored or resentful and feel vaguely superior. Just be you and let them feel superior at how much a fish out of water you are.

I hope the weather wherever you are is a bit better than here where we had bloody gales today, so no walking was done, dammit!!

This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass - repeat after me Grin

BlackeyedSusan · 07/08/2016 20:26

meeting half way has been done. ie you went. you tried to join in but got the snide remarks. they have not tried to include you in conversations. they have been downrght rude about spending your h's money. and your opinions on children.

just accept that you do not get on. never go again. you are a person in your own right you do not have to do what dh says. you have tried enough.

sod it, sod them . go home. win win for all. h can decide for himself what he wants to do. just don't make him choose.

Metalguru · 07/08/2016 20:27

I don't think the op sounds rude at all in these circumstances, she's in a nest of vipers and her defensive reactions, whilst rude in other situations, are entirely understandable given what she's described. What a load of bitches.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 07/08/2016 20:27

I feel really sorry for your husband (which is very rare for me)

He begged you to go as you haven't gone in years.

Couldn't you have made some effort for him as he's so lovely. Now he feels anxious and guilty that he made.you go :(

SomedayBaby · 07/08/2016 20:28

Accept, for goodness sake, that you can't do this sort of thing. Nor could I. It sounds like a living hell. Don't ever pretend, or be dragged into it, not ever. If that means you lose the DH along the way, so be it

That's probably the worst advice i've read on here.

I mean yes, why should she compromise? Why try? She should up and leave, refuse completely to engage with her dh's family and if she looses her husband along the way, well what of it? Hmm

Original poster
KatMcGee · 07/08/2016 20:28

Doreen, I've used a part of my annual leave for this and he doesn't want me to spend it alone, so either we both go or we both stay.

Firsttimer, SIL2 is lovely, she stayed by my side throughout the hike and was the one to call me down to the kitchen.

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 07/08/2016 20:28

I'd leave if I were you op. You are an adult, dh can't stop you.

ChishandFips33 · 07/08/2016 20:30

Do as Timelytess says (love the line of 'you didn't make me feel welcome') then get yourself over to the 'I've reached the point in life where I don't give a damn' thread Grin

WipsGlitter · 07/08/2016 20:31

Going on your phone is really rude and unfriendly. You "can't cook" but was there not something you could help with?

What does your DH see in you that they don't?

Lemond1fficult · 07/08/2016 20:32

They sound like a bunch of stuck-in-the-past twats. You don't sound like a walk in the park either, but that's your prerogative - you know yourself and what you're into. I don't blame you for not wanting to spend any time with them - they're being bullies.

It sounds as if you and your husband love each other. He obviously doesn't think they're that great either, or he wouldn't have picked a wife who is the diametric opposite of everything they stand for.

Your big mistake was allowing yourself to be persuaded, and your husband's mistake was making you go. Next year, just have a good reread of this thread together, and agree that he'll go alone.

Balletblue · 07/08/2016 20:32

Sound rather vile. Could you and DH sneak off to a restaurant for the evening? Holidays and relatives often don't mix at all.

MissMargie · 07/08/2016 20:32

A bit childish rude to stare at your phone all the time if they aren't doing the same.

BlackeyedSusan · 07/08/2016 20:32

meeting half way has been done. ie you went. you tried to join in but got the snide remarks. they have not tried to include you in conversations. they have been downrght rude about spending your h's money. and your opinions on children.

just accept that you do not get on. never go again. you are a person in your own right you do not have to do what dh says. you have tried enough.

sod it, sod them . go home. win win for all. h can decide for himself what he wants to do. just don't make him choose.

Original poster
KatMcGee · 07/08/2016 20:33

Only reason I haven't walked out is because DH would be really disappointed, he's compromised, he's stayed by my side all day but that just means were both fucking miserable, even if he pretends he's not.

He can stay, I have no problem with that, I just want to run far far away

OP posts:
bluebeck · 07/08/2016 20:35

I think you are getting a really rough ride here OP. They sound like absolute cunts.

What does DH say about them being so horrible to you? Let me guess - "they don't mean it, you know what they're like?" That kind of drivel?

Bollocks to him saying you can't go home without him, just leave. Life is too short to spend it with people who are deliberately snidy and spiteful when you are doing what you can to fit in.

HemanOrSheRa · 07/08/2016 20:36

Any chance you could confide in SIL2?

OnionKnight · 07/08/2016 20:36

You sound like bloody hard work, put your fucking phone away for a start.

Original poster
KatMcGee · 07/08/2016 20:37

It was either stare at my phone or stare at everyone else, since no one was talking to me, they were all engrossed in conversations about people I knew nothing about, so couldn't join in.

I've made up my mind. I'm leaving Grin I'll encourage DH to stay though, as he does like this sort of stuff.

OP posts:
cardibach · 07/08/2016 20:39

You say they know each other well so you can't join in conversations and go on your phone. Have yout Bought that if you listened you would get to know them and I a few visits would be able to join in? Then you went on your phone again because you 'can't cook' - I'm sure you could have got drinks, chopped things, chatted with the cooks.
They sound somewhat rude and insular, but you aren't helping at all.

bloodymaria · 07/08/2016 20:39

Absolutely leave! Fuck 'em. You clearly have tried, they sound like knobs.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 07/08/2016 20:39

Ok, this sounds shit, but it's all about compromise isn't it.

Your DH will have wanted to come as he wants to do family stuff. He likes his family. At the moment, you're both miserable as you're there when you don't want to be and he can't enjoy himself as he has to stay with you.

You get on ok with SIL 2. Spend time with her, or go for a day out in the local area alone as I'm sure there's something you could go and see if you don't live in that area.

It always sounds like he chooses you over them. Can you not just bite on it for a day or so, so he can go and join in. Maybe ask him to tell the, to get off your back, or if they have things to say, to bite their tongues as its as much them as you.

Compromise is the only way to salvage this with minimal damage to both of you.

Crispbutty · 07/08/2016 20:39

You can't cook? So you can't help with preparing veg? Setting the table? No? I doubt that very much.

I get the feeling you are sat there pissing about on your phone behaving like a sulky teenager.

Laugh off their comments, but at least try and join in.

Lemond1fficult · 07/08/2016 20:40

And actually - posters who are saying they're in it for the long haul so she should try and get along with them - don't bother.

If you're living in opposite ends of the country, have no babies, and no intention for that to change, there's no reason why you can't avoid then for the rest of your life, barring the odd funeral.

I have faith in you, OP.

Original poster
KatMcGee · 07/08/2016 20:40

Bluebeck, DH doesn't defend them, just keeps repeating that it's only for a week and that if he could muzzle them he would. He's told them numerous times to 'go easy' and to 'cut it out' but that's had no effect.

I'm leaving Grin I have to go and pack.

OP posts:
ThatStewie · 07/08/2016 20:40

Could you & SIL2 do something together without the others? Even if it's only to go buy milk? If you come back laughing together, it will make the rest of it more tolerable. Then you need to have a chat with your DH about his family. That vacation is my idea of hell. You went to breath him because it's important to him. If his family are being spiteful, the he needs to take responsibility for holding them accountable. And if be brutally honest, someone makes a comment about you spending his money? Tell them that you earn far more than him.