To think that they should shut the fuck up

[KatMcGee]

I don't like DH's family.

They don't like me.

We've been together for 5 years, married for 2, we live in London whilst DH's family thankfully live way up north.

I'm not the easiest person to deal with but I'm not horrid, I keep to myself, I don't really do nature or cooking or anything that takes me away from a mobile signal

DH has a massive family and every summer they all meet up at his parents property, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins which is in the middle of nowhere.

I did this once 4 years ago and I hated every bloody second of it, they go hiking at dawn, they have family sports days, which is just grown men kicking a ball around whilst the women cheer from the sidelines , tend to kids etc

I've managed to avoid it ever since but this year DH wouldn't relent and he managed to talk me into it.

It's day 2 and I'm ready to head home. It seems that all of DH's excuses over the years weren't believed and I've been assigned the role of the evil daughter in law.

Everyone keeps giving me snide comments.

They were up at dawn for their fucking hike yesterday and I crawled out of bed to join in and not be a spoilsport and I was bombarded with snide comments

SIL: "Oh dear, if you can't keep up, you shouldn't have come along"

A random aunt: "those boots look brand new, I hope you're not throwing DH's money away" I work, I earn more than DH, I don't hike, so I had to buy boots and when I told this to random aunt, she looked at MIL and said "you were right about her"

Yesterday afternoon when all the woman were cooking in the kitchen, I was in the bedroom as I can't cook but another SIL called me down and so I went down.

"Oh why'd you bring her down" said very fucking loudly by MIL "I mean she won't be much help, girl can't even cook"

I ignored her, went on my phone as they were going on about little Barnaby (not his real name) teething and not coping well with all the noise/people.

I sat their thinking, why bring a teething toddler to this mad house but kept my mouth shut.

BIL walks through the door, joins in the Barnaby talk, looks at me and says "you'll be dealing with all this soon" I pulled a face, it was a natural reaction, lasted only for a second

MIL pipes up "Oh didn't you know, Madam over there doesn't want children, she's too busy with her career" it was said with a smile but with so much fucking venom.

I smiled and said "DH, can't stand the little brats either" then bombarded DH with texts. He walked in five minutes later and I've refused to let him leave my side.

He didn't go out to the lake with all the boys this morning and sat right next to me throughout this afternoons barbecue. This has only led to more comments, if I hear one more snide remark I'm going to tell them to shut the fuck up and then leave.

I won't survive till Friday, I'm thinking of faking ill tonight and leaving in the morning but DH refuses to play along.

Put your phone down and you can pack quicker

Keema, I was about to pack, why are you making me rethink things

Problem is to fit in you have to pretend to be someone else. This is fine if you are somewhere as a one off but it's not the basis for a long term relationship.
I am not like DHs family at all - I am quiet, I don't drink myself unconcious, smoke etc. I used to get grief constantly about being boring and they would try and bully me into being like them and doing what they wanted.
You have tried but you are the outsider in these circumstances and also a guest - so they need to come and meet you a little way as well and give you room. DH will have to work that out though with them.
A week is impossible though....

You all sound pretty awful, tbh. It's incredibly rude to stare at your phone in company and the brats comment was unnecessary (and I say that as someone without children who isn't keen on them). Sounds like you were determined not to let yourself go with the flow and that you are joining in but begrudgingly. No wonder your MIL is making sly digs.

Also sitting in your bedroom while all the other women were cooking just makes you look lazy. There would have been something you could help with, surely?

You sound like a petulant 14 year old who's been dragged on holiday by your parents.

You agreed to go, knowing exactly what the visit would involve.

Pack your bags tonight and leave tomorrow. That way your DH can get on and enjoy himself.

And if it's them being unreasonable and not you, why is your DH not getting your involved in conversation?

All the woman cooking in the kitchen, the woman tending to the kids while staying on the sideline cheering the men on and the OP is being berated? Am I on mumsnet? Christ on here you get lambasted if you want to change your name at marriage and give kids the fathers name.

OP go home... seriously I would be employing coping strategies if I was putting up with snidey comments.

SIL2 sounds ok. Can you focus on her and DH? Can you escape for the day with DH?

Pack your bag, chuck it in the car
Book yourself into a spa somewhere
Go downstairs.

"Right everyone, thank you for inviting me but I think it's obvious that this is not working. Aunt, I'm sorry that my buying hiking shoes specifically for this trip offended you. MIL, I'm sorry that the fact I don't cook offends you." Apology for whatever aspect of your behaviour has invoked a snide comment directly to Whoever has said a snide comment. Bringing it all up in a non confrontational way but apologising for yourself (backhanded) will draw their behaviour into sharp focus.

"I'm sorry that my career offends and that you feel that you have nothing in common with me. I am going to take my annual leave week and spend it where I don't need to creep on eggshells and can have a conversation rather than hiding behind a phone because I can do no right. Have a lovely rest of your week."

Leave. And leave DH behind. He will enjoy his week, you will enjoy yours. Even if you pick him up on Friday.

Life is too short for people like that

Can't you try to engage SIL2 and ask her for some support. I'd be tempted to leave, but I'd give it one last shot for DHs sake.

The more you post the more I can see why the inlaws are rude to you, you need to compromise, not behave like a teenager.

Sqeegle - eh? What sort of comment is that?? We are actually quite modern 'from the North'!

Doreen, I've used a part of my annual leave for this and he doesn't want me to spend it alone, so either we both go or we both stay

Well, it is your annual leave so you do with it what you want, not what he wants.

I don't think you can leave at this point.. I know I will probably be flamed for this but imo you haven't made enough effort.
Stick it out another day, try to join into conversations - ask questions about the people they are talking about, ask if you can cut some for veg for them etc and keep the phone out.
After a day when they haven't made you any more welcome, THEN leave, head high knowing you have actually tried

I feel very sorry for your dh tbh.

My dh finds my family hard work, I know he does (and they are). But I love the fact that he loves me enough to suck it up and try his best.

You have an excuse for everything. You can't speak to them, you can't cook, you hate their kids (and told them that, provoked or not), you're spending your time fiddling on your phone, you've made your dh miss outings so he can 'sit by your side' all day - what are you, a child?

Be a grown up and suck it up.

"Also sitting in your bedroom while all the other women were cooking just makes you look lazy. There would have been something you could help with, surely?"

I love cooking (and my DHs family, incidentally). But no way would I be in the kitchen cooking if no men were required to do so. And that's how it sounds.

Wow. Go. DH is a grown up, no point in you both being miserable. I think you have tried, you're just being honest about what you do and don't like doing and not letting inaccurate assumptions lie.

You don't have to be like them to be a decent human being ffs!

Obvs discuss with your DH, but might it be reasonable to just be completely up front with them and put this to bed once and for all? Just point out that you clearly enjoy different things, they clearly have very different views to you on how life should be lived and what's important and, whilst you're happy to contribute to short family events, it's obviously not working for anyone with you being at this extended hell retreat stay.

Either that or just shout "fuck off!" As you get your cab...

I don't think DH would enjoy himself without you? He would understand why you couldn't stay but he would have to field all the backlash?

Wow. Go. DH is a grown up, no point in you both being miserable. I think you have tried, you're just being honest about what you do and don't like doing and not letting inaccurate assumptions lie.

You don't have to be like them to be a decent human being ffs!

Obvs discuss with your DH, but might it be reasonable to just be completely up front with them and put this to bed once and for all? Just point out that you clearly enjoy different things, they clearly have very different views to you on how life should be lived and what's important and, whilst you're happy to contribute to short family events, it's obviously not working for anyone with you being at this extended hell retreat stay.

Either that or just shout "fuck off!" As you get your cab...

I think it's important to note that the OP is the outsider here. DH's family have a shared history, hobbies in common and know each other well. They all have each other's back. Meanwhile, there is no-one to defend the OP from snide remarks. She has said she made the effort to participate and was the subject of unkind comments. I fail to see how she is making herself unlikable by reacting. Why is it ok for the ILs to be rude but not for the OP.

I'd be telling them the 50s called and asked for their values back, while booking my train ticket home.

Book yourself into a spa somewhere

See now that's more mumsnet

Ok so they think you're a madam. That doesn't come from nowhere. And sitting on the phone in the kitchen while they cook? And you're referring to kids as brats when they're discussing something that affects them? I'd call you a madam too!
I can't cook but I offer to help somehow - I can still peel potatoes, chop veg, make tea/coffee, lay the tables or do the clearing and washing up.
I think I might side with the family on this one.

Is this a reverse? It reads like one.

They don't sound great but I bet they made their minds up about you way after you did about them. You do sound awful and I've never said that about someone I don't know.

I imagine all the snide comments are because you've sat there with a face like a slapped arse since the moment you arrived and can't take your eyes off your phone for long enough to start a friendly conversation with one.

It is perfectly possible to have different interests and preferences but still make an effort to get along. You sound rude and sullen and I really feel for your DH if this is how his life is going to be from now on.