to think I am not a welcome guest?

[Oakmaiden]

so, we left organising our family holiday until the last minute, because we were expecting extra funds which took a long time getting to us. In fact we finally got them on Friday.

If they had arrived last month (which was when we were expecting them) we would have probably booked our first foreign family holiday (children are 10, 12 and 18, so rather overdue!), but they didn't, so we didn't. When it was clear that wasn't going to be an option we then planned to go camping near to where my parent live. However, their continued non-arrival meant we had to cancel that plan too. When I phoned my parents to let them know, my Mum said "Your dad said, why not come and camp in our garden?". We can't stay in their house as my mother has a guest already. OK. It's an idea - we have camped in their garden before.

My sister also offers to put us up - but she has a two up two down (with two children and a dog (and I understand no hot water or flushing loos)) but crucially she is suggesting we sleep in her bedroom and she sleeps downstairs on the sofa. I am not desperately happy about the idea of putting her out of her bed on our behalf. So I was planning on sending the youngest two children over there (10 and 12, so not weenys), putting the 18 year old to sleep in mum and dad's shed, and for dh and I to sleep in Mum and Dad's garden, in a tent. Not ideal, but it is doable, because it is only for a couple of nights.

It is worth mentioning at this point that Mum was quite put out when we said we weren't camping after all and may not be able to come, as she was planning a "family lunch" one of the days so we could all see her guest (very old family friend - I haven't seen her for about 15 years).

Anyway - I said to my mum today "I was wondering if we could have a BBQ on Monday - or would you prefer us to buzz off and eat elsewhere?". She said - "Sorry, I would rather you didn't come round for supper." Now - whilst it is not a huge big deal, it has really underlined to me the fact she really doesn't want my family over there at all (other than to parade in front of her friend at her "family lunch". So I really think we should be trying to find somewhere else to stay. I'm right, aren't I?

That said - I am worried about all of us descending upon my poor sister. I was happier at the idea of us all camping out in her sitting room, but I don't think she is going to let us. I think we are going to have to take her bedroom. I think she is a bit embarrassed by her sitting room, and I am a bit embarrassed to take her room. So I am not sure what to do.

PS the unwelcome guest is at my mum's - I don't think I am unwelcome at my sisters, but I feel embarrassed to put her to so much hassle...

Well l hope you have a fantastic time on the nights you have booked x l spent my childhood camping- even in the Snow. You are going to have an Adventure! Far better than previous packed one size fits all Spain-in -a-rush.

Pre packed not previous lol!

I haven't read every post, so apologises if this has already been suggested. Could you camp in your sisters garden?

Agree find a b & b locally and meet them.

Could you hire a bigger car for a week to move your camping gear down?

Your son is going to sleep in a shed? I am not thinking this will be good for anyone. Book a holiday literally anywhere else. With actual beds- camping fine. Shed NO

The OP's already explained that the shed is more of a summer house and has since booked a youth hostel anyway. But really, for a couple of nights in the summer, it's not going to kill him, is it. I'd prefer a summer house/ shed to a tent any day.

i don't see its very strange that the gran doesn't want them there. We don't know the other side of the story and it seems blatantly obvious that the poster is wanting to holiday on the cheap and using her family to do that. seems like its not the first time either as they say she's camped in the 'front garden' before. that is very very odd behaviour. No wonder the gran is fed up. i would be. Get a grip and pay for a proper holiday for your kids in a camp. not your mothers front garden. If you cant afford it like many. you don't have a holiday you go on day trips.

OP FWIW I think you've been treated very harshly on this thread. Mine and DH's families are 450 miles away and we definitely consider visiting them and staying with them to be a holiday, same as they do when visiting us. I'd happily camp in a family garden if it was big enough. I've also given my bedroom over to guests many a time and happily camped out in my own living room. I'd always insist guests had the comfier bed so totally understand your sisters offer.
I don't get the fuss over your son sleeping in a summer house when he suggested it, I did the same with friend in her garden when were 19, it was fun. Using a loo in a nearby house is far easier than in a campsite too.

And I get why you wouldn't want to put your dad out hunting out all the camping gear to lug to a nearby site for you when your mum has a guest staying.
I hope you have a fab holiday and enjoy visiting your family. Ignore the criticism on here and get planning that foreign holiday for next year xx

I'd find a last minute holiday elsewhere and if you have the funds invite your sister to join you.

OP - breathe. It's all OK and you've not done anything wrong. You're arranging a nice trip for your family. The youth hostel sounds good and I'm glad you've found a workable solution. So what if the kids are grouching about the slight change of plan - kids do that. They'll get over it in no time and have a great holiday.

You really fret about what people think of you, don't you? I think your worry here is probably disproportionate to the reality. My feeling is that your mum is fine with you using her garden as a base camp for your holiday, is looking forward to the lunch she's arranged for everyone, but also wants some one-on-one time with her house guest so would prefer you didn't eat with them every night. That doesn't negate the "fine with you using her garden" part. She's just setting the boundaries where she wants them. It's OK to take her at her word, or alternatively to ask straight out whether she's really happy with having you there. If she says yes, it is 100% reasonable to believe her. You truly don't have to second-guess everything. Though I know stopping that is easier said than done!

There's nothing wrong with staying with family on your holiday. My dad lives in a pretty little Devon town and we've visited him for our summer holiday before. So some people don't fancy it, but so what? They're not you. The only thing I'd say is that booking your own place where you can all stay, and giving yourself permission to spend a bit more cash on that, saves you trying to do all this stressful coordinating. It clearly sets your anxiety going. It would do for me too.

Don't worry about this thread. A lot of people can't grasp anything outside their own preferences, and a lot of people get satisfaction out of posting pithy remarks without actually RTFT and realising that the OP has clinical anxiety and is in tears over it. You don't have to worry what they think either. :)

A youth hostel would be great

Well said Mellow x l can't believe some women can be so unsupportive OP you are doing your best

Why are you looking at having such an overly complex arrangement instead of going on the holiday you want, doesn't sound very enjoyable. Treat yourselves now you've got the money! 😎🌞

A lot of people can't grasp anything outside their own preferences

This, with bells on. There's so much concern amongst many posters about the need to have a "normal" holiday and to do what "everyone else" does and stay in a hotel. You know, like all those normal people. Well fuck it but doing what everybody else does is just dull. And are people really so insecure in their choices that they need other people to do the same things to validate them? Life would be boring if we were all the same and enjoyed the same thing.

To add to which, there's a distinct lack of sympathy. Not everyone's lives pan out in the way they expect. Not everyone is comfortably off. Not everyone wants to put a holiday on a credit card whilst they wait for money to come through, probably because experience has taught them that the money might not arrive or that if it does, it will be needed for some emergency that's cropped up in the meantime.

and a lot of people get satisfaction out of posting pithy remarks without actually RTFT

Let's face it, the OP really should just cancel the cheque.

Having RTFT ignore some of my comment as see you've already arranged it, I was more referring to you all staying in different places. People saying a real holiday is on a plane abroad or in a hotel are wrong. It's just their idea of a good holiday. Those people saying that are rude and have no empathy to not being as well off. When I was young I used to visit my grandmother and stay in her house for a week or two that was it. We didn't do anything that exciting, but the things we did were exciting enough for a child who knows no different. I went on a couple of school trips abroad. I might have liked to go on holidays abroad, but really it didn't matter that much. Your children sound like they're looking forward to the holiday, that's what's important. I think some posters are just encouraging you to try something different so you have an extra good time.

I've only just joined MN this is the first thread I've read. I'm pretty shocked at the snootiness of some people, who seem to want to rip Oakmaiden apart & undermine her confidence. Others thank god have been very kind & helpful, but far too many are in alphamummy mode. Is this typical of MN?
Oakmaiden, ignore any oneupmanship here. You're doing your best against the odds. We always stayed with relatives as a kid, and loved it. We've been too poor to take ours on hotel-type holidays but she loves youth hostelling. But also she loves being at home with just us & days out. I'm sure your kids feel the same. Chin up darling.

This doesn't sound like a holiday whatsoever for all of you and In fact may place strain upon family relations.
I'd be inclined to think, but no say(!) b@@@@@ off!
A holiday, especially when you've never been abroad before with three children that age, and all together as well would give you all wonderful memories to treasure I've learnt. It's brought the four of us closer. Very close.
I would be inclined to trawl the travel agents and (if you've got CURRENT PASSPORTS! - worth checking first) see if you can book a cheap holiday somewhere. Take loads of photos.
As for you mum and sister; to avoid hurting their feelings and future family relations, I'd tell a white lie. Awful though it sounds, to protect their feelings of hurt, rejection, etc.
Isn't there a friend of your OH's near there? Or one of your old school friends? Even if your OH popped out one evening for a drink to 'meet' this friend, it would only need to be for an hour or two. I'm sure he wouldn't mind! 😉
That would me the option is take personally, to keep everybody happy. I'm afraid the odd rare white lie is sometimes a necessity in life, for the sake of others and your sanity!
Your kids would be absolutely thrilled with whatever you come up with, I'm sure.
I've found the most amazing deals in travel agents at three days notice before now. Booked it. Kids and hubby were a bit iffy at first. Then within an hour or two been ecstatic. This was a blida you from the norm though. A cruise - £300 each all in. Drinks, food, activities, you name it. The kids could go off and I'd know whatever, they'd be totally safe. It was so fab we've done several more since. It was a very late deal! They obviously didn't realise my kids and OH have hollow legs either! 😆

What you described isn't a holiday.

It's half the family staying with Aunty in her cramped house. Half on grandparents garden and one in a shed.

That is not a holiday.

That is not even a regular day.

It's a feckin bleedin nightmare.

Kid yourself not.

I think the OP's been treated harshly on this. Is there any kind of warning on AIBU for new posters? And people, please RTFT. OP, don't let this put you off MN, just avoid AIBU maybe?

I'm also from Devon and DH, DDs and I are camping in my parents' garden this weekend as their house is full. It's great - we get nice clean toilets and a chance to see wider family.

Have a great trip OP!

OP if you're still here, I just want to say that you are normal in thinking staying with relatives qualifies as a holiday. Or at least, you're as normal as me, and I assure you that I'm a functioning member of society. (caveat: my most recharging holiday ever was running Marathon de Sables, eating what I could carry, not washing and sleeping in a desert, so I'm possibly not typical- definitely fall into the "change is as good as a rest" camp).

I've just come back from a month staying with my mum and dad in the UK with my DC (I live overseas) and I feel like I had a holiday. Similarly, when I was growing up, our summer holiday was to Norfolk to visit my GP's for 2 weeks. Loads of happy memories- we had a blast. We did go skiing as well, but weirdly I cant remember much about that. I would also enjoy your planned day trips .

I hope you have a lovely time.

Agree with mellow - go ahead and enjoy your holiday as other posters have said your 18yo wants to come on holiday with you - many 18yos opt not to join in family hols as staying at home with no parents is more exciting so clearly you are doing something right

Each to their own

Live and let live

Advise do t criticise

OP, ignore the numpties on this thread who probably call any kind of holiday in the UK a "staycation", and are in need of a dry slap and a reality check. Glad to read you got something sorted out- it sounds like staying near to your extended family and spending time with them without staying with them for the whole time is a good solution.

Dry slap.

This thread has made me so cross. How dare people snootily tell the OP that staying with family "is not a holiday?" Lucky them to be able to afford hotels, etc.

When I was a child, we had absolutely no money as a family. Our holidays were always either camping or staying with friends or family in the UK. I have amazing memories of these holidays and we were out every day, walks on Dartmoor, different beaches, sightseeing. The PP who bizarrely asked "what do your children write in their what I did in the holidays essays" - I just don't have the words! I remember barely being able to cram all the things we were doing into my "essays".