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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think I am not a welcome guest?

265 replies

Oakmaiden · 07/08/2016 18:24

so, we left organising our family holiday until the last minute, because we were expecting extra funds which took a long time getting to us. In fact we finally got them on Friday.

If they had arrived last month (which was when we were expecting them) we would have probably booked our first foreign family holiday (children are 10, 12 and 18, so rather overdue!), but they didn't, so we didn't. When it was clear that wasn't going to be an option we then planned to go camping near to where my parent live. However, their continued non-arrival meant we had to cancel that plan too. When I phoned my parents to let them know, my Mum said "Your dad said, why not come and camp in our garden?". We can't stay in their house as my mother has a guest already. OK. It's an idea - we have camped in their garden before.

My sister also offers to put us up - but she has a two up two down (with two children and a dog (and I understand no hot water or flushing loos)) but crucially she is suggesting we sleep in her bedroom and she sleeps downstairs on the sofa. I am not desperately happy about the idea of putting her out of her bed on our behalf. So I was planning on sending the youngest two children over there (10 and 12, so not weenys), putting the 18 year old to sleep in mum and dad's shed, and for dh and I to sleep in Mum and Dad's garden, in a tent. Not ideal, but it is doable, because it is only for a couple of nights.

It is worth mentioning at this point that Mum was quite put out when we said we weren't camping after all and may not be able to come, as she was planning a "family lunch" one of the days so we could all see her guest (very old family friend - I haven't seen her for about 15 years).

Anyway - I said to my mum today "I was wondering if we could have a BBQ on Monday - or would you prefer us to buzz off and eat elsewhere?". She said - "Sorry, I would rather you didn't come round for supper." Now - whilst it is not a huge big deal, it has really underlined to me the fact she really doesn't want my family over there at all (other than to parade in front of her friend at her "family lunch". So I really think we should be trying to find somewhere else to stay. I'm right, aren't I?

That said - I am worried about all of us descending upon my poor sister. I was happier at the idea of us all camping out in her sitting room, but I don't think she is going to let us. I think we are going to have to take her bedroom. I think she is a bit embarrassed by her sitting room, and I am a bit embarrassed to take her room. So I am not sure what to do.

PS the unwelcome guest is at my mum's - I don't think I am unwelcome at my sisters, but I feel embarrassed to put her to so much hassle...

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/08/2016 19:43

No, jelly, I don't think so. I actually think she doesn't really want us there, but is too kind to say so. And won't say so, because she loves us.

I don't think that's unusual, or unreasonable, really. I don't have parents, but I know DP's parents would be the same - if I asked to go camp in their garden, they'd absolutely let me, but I'd know they didn't really want me there. They'd be a bit put out, especially if they already had a guest.

It's not totally unreasonable to want you to visit with your children for a prearranged lunch and leave afterwards, too, providing that she's issued this as an invitation and is well aware that you may be staying elsewhere and therefore unable to do the lunch, and she's understanding of that.

I'd just find somewhere else to stay. Somewhere you can stay all together, without putting any family members out. Of course they'll offer - good family members do! But you have to read between the lines. I offer people use of my recliner quite often - it'd be rather inconvenient for them to take me up on it, most of my house is open-plan and it'd close off 80% of it, but I want them to know that the offer is there if they can't find anything more suitable. I'm not particularly house proud and I wouldn't offer if I already had a guest because there'd be no room, but I can see how your mum can feel that she needs to extend an invite whilst also not really wanting you to take her up on it. Especially with lots of children.

It will put her guest in an uncomfortable position, too. She'll feel that she's stopped you from staying in the house.

DesolateWaist · 07/08/2016 19:45

What do your kids write in their " what I did in the school holidays essay?"

That's a bit harsh. I never once went on a holiday as a child. That's the problem with having self employed parents. My 'what I did on my holidays' was staying with family or stuff I did.

However as a family I'd rather stay at home a do day trips than stay in cramped circumstances in a family members house.

theredjellybean · 07/08/2016 19:45

oh Oakmaiden dont get upset...your children do not have a crap life...my dds would have been beside themselves to camp in a garden, or go off to stay at aunties house without me there.

I can see that maybe your mum has been too polite to say no ...now you say it, and you know her best.

it sounds quite stressful to the mumsnetters who are firtunate enough to just book a holiday and not have to worry about funds maybe ?

But I do think maybe call your mum and clear the air...and maybe all go to a campsite together and ask mum if she would still like to do the family lunch ?

or ask if you could all go and camp in garden another time when she has no guests ?

HermioneJeanGranger · 07/08/2016 19:46

Why not pack some stuff in the boot and go and stay in a cheap hotel somewhere? Hotels don't have to cost a lot of money. Or rent an apartment on AirBNB. I don't understand all the angst Confused

NoCapes · 07/08/2016 19:46

OP what does your DH think of these 'holidays'??

muminthecity · 07/08/2016 19:47

What about this?
A holiday park in Devon, with outdoor heated pool, close to beaches and glorious views. A chalet that sleeps 6 is £339 for four nights next week. What a bargain!

sonlypuppyfat · 07/08/2016 19:48

My kids have never been abroad I didn't go until I was in my twentys I went with a paper passport that you got at the post office, that shows how long ago that was

ItsABanana · 07/08/2016 19:49

Hadn't thought of a static caravan though - but we are only there for 4 nights. Can you get them for 4 nights?

Course you can! Been on static caravan holidays loads of times, and you can get them for three nights, and also four.
I have to agree that I don't think the whole scenario of everybody sleeping in different places and the 18 year old in a large shed sounds like much of a holiday at all to be honest!
I can understand camping in garden holidays are seen as the norm to you if that's what you're used to and your parents have a huge garden, but it's not really practical if you've got a large family as a grown up.
Get a caravan sorted, there'll be some last minute deals.

LauderSyme · 07/08/2016 19:51

Fucking hate my life Really?!
You're trying to organise a holiday here, which is a nice thing to be able to do. It does sound very trying, what with your budget, all the logistics etc, but I still think a little perspective might be in order?
I would be very uncomfortable always relying on other people's help and hospitality every time myself, my husband and my three children wanted a holiday. But maybe that's just me!
Hope you get something sorted, there are some great suggestions on here. Have a lovely relaxing time Smile

Yambabe · 07/08/2016 19:51

If it's only 4 nights have you looked at hiring a campervan?

sonlypuppyfat · 07/08/2016 19:52

I apologise for the school essay thing, I don't know why I said it. I only went on three holidays when I was a child. But as soon as I was old enough to leave alone my parents went everywhere all over Europe and had a fab time. But I'm not bitter Angry

Oakmaiden · 07/08/2016 19:52

Anchor - I absolutely agree. Thing is - they (or my dad via my mum) suggested the camping in the garden thing in the first place.But I think having suggested it my mum is wishing we had said no. Which is why the thread - because then my sister stepped in and offered for us to stay with her, but it feels like too much of an imposition there too.

Of course we will still go to her lunch.

OP posts:
cexuwaleozbu · 07/08/2016 19:53

Or look for glamping sites - a lot of campsites in popular areas will have yurts or log cabins etc pre-erected for you

No camping in your parents garden isn't a holiday in my book (but no need to go abroad there is loads of fun to be had in the UK)

Cguk81 · 07/08/2016 19:53

None of your plans in the OP sound relaxing or fun. I agree with PPs who have said get a caravan/room elsewhere so your family have their own space and just visit your parents and sister as and when it suits.

Oakmaiden · 07/08/2016 19:54

My life is more than this one holiday.

But that was said as I was sobbing over the keyboard. Which might be a bit extreme to you as well, but I struggle sometimes.

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Balletblue · 07/08/2016 19:58

Oakmaiden, please don't get upset. You just sound overwhelmed and inexperienced in booking holidays. I think most posters are wanting you all to have a good time and are giving you options.
I get to read a lot of what children write for their what I did in the holidays and there is plenty of staying with grandma and playing computer games all day. I didn't go abroad until I was well into my 20s and that just made it all the more exciting.

Yambabe · 07/08/2016 19:58

Aw Oak Flowers sometimes it's the little things that can get to you isn't it?

You want to give your kids a good memory, you don't want to inconvenience your family but you do want to see them, we do get where you're coming from honest! But it's like a see-saw, the ends may be extreme but somewhere in the middle there will be a solution you just have to keep exploring the options.....

Oakmaiden · 07/08/2016 19:58

The daytime plans are fun. We are going canoeing up the Tamar, going on a boatride around Looe Island, tarping on Dartmoor, cycle ride along the Granite Way and exploring Lydford Gorge, and horseriding.

The sleeping bit is just sleeping.

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Oakmaiden · 07/08/2016 20:01

And swimming at Tinside Lido.

OP posts:
roundtable · 07/08/2016 20:01

Oakmaiden - I may be wrong but is their other stuff going on in your life, back story I don't know about or are you feeling generally anxious?

I ask as this seems to be a disproportionate reaction. You could go to a static caravan or camp in the garden and go out for dinner when your parents aren't free or stay in a hotel/b&b. Have a look online as a family, they'll be lots of options.

Good luck and have a lovely holiday Flowers

LuluJakey1 · 07/08/2016 20:01

Sounds like a lt f faff and stress for 4 nights. Go to a cottage/caravan in Northumberland for a week. It is never fully booked up there and it is beautiful.

LuluJakey1 · 07/08/2016 20:02

bit of a faff

StealthPolarBear · 07/08/2016 20:03

Why doesn't your sister have a flushing toilet or hot water? Sounds not habitable for her, never mind having guests!

Oakmaiden · 07/08/2016 20:03

I'm just generally an anxious miserable cow, really. Keep taking the tablets. Maybe one day I will turn back into the person I used to be, but after this long I doubt it. :(

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 07/08/2016 20:03

SPB - not a question I am able to answer.

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