To stand my ground over my fathers new parter

[bambambaby]

My mother died late last year and my father met a new woman fairly quickly. Initially she seemed really nice and my dad was happy so I was happy for him - he's had a lot on his plate caring for my late mother as she was ill for years before she died. Soon it became apparent that she didn't really like me - I could tell, the undercurrent whenever I visited was of dislike and I was always answered with one word answers, little snide remarks etc and my dad was just oblivious to it all. She was also at my fathers house ALL the time, I was never able to visit without her there.

Despite this, all was plodding along ok but I started to notice a definite withdrawal from my father - our relationship was previously close with my mother being poorly as I supported him. He wouldnt answer his phone / reply to texts etc.

I spoke to him about this as he went many weeks without contact (I hung back to see if he would contact me as he'd not seen his GC's for many weeks) - it turns out his new partner doesn't like that he was texting and speaking to me most days and she told him that it was too much.

Naturally I told my dad that he should be really careful and that it wasnt right that she wanted my dad and I to lessen contact, I still dont know her very well and shes now moved in permanentlyand managed to remove every trace of my mother from the house. My father basically went off on one and told me to mind my own business (he has never spoken to me like this before and I suspect she was feeding him what to say in the background).

I told him I didnt like her and that I didnt want anything to do with her. He told me in that case I was out of his life and hes not spoken to me since. I am holding my ground as to be honest I dont see why I should back down - his parter is nothing to me and I shouldnt be forced to bother with her, especially as she is being horrible. This no contact is exactly what she wants I suspect.

I'm lost, dont want to back down as I feel so strongly about it but I miss my father.

your father sounds like a selfish cunt

This. With bells on.

I feel for you OP, this won't be easy.

I can understand now when people say that they feel a physical pain when they get emotionally hurt. I came off the call feeling like I was having a panic attack, I was so upset. His words cut like a knife. Even if we do manage to salvage something from this I can't see how things are ever going to be the same again.

OK, so you tried. You now have to protect yourself from how nasty he has been. Leave the ball in his court. What a vicious thing to say. I wonder if there is a script? My mum said this about my step-dad... And she moved him in only a month after my dad died.

Sorry for your loss, this must be heart wrenching for you. Message me if you need a chat op

I'm sorry the conversation didn't go as you'd hoped. In the kindest possible way: in retrospect did it help to resolve the situation or merely retrench your position?

Equally I can see why your father is cross and has been keeping his distance. What your father is probably hearing from your phone call is, it is 'her or me', 'I am going to try and disrupt your new relationship', I 'don't think you've grieved for long enough' and 'My grief is stronger and greater than yours'. I know this isn't what you are saying, but this is what he may well hear.

Be honest, do you think you will ever accept him starting a new relationship 2, 3 or 4 years down the track. Do you think you'll ever view a new partner as anything other than him 'trying to replace my mum'?

I know why you feel the way you do and it is hard to take, but please remember he hasn't lost his mother, he has lost his wife. It is a different relationship and a different loss. People can and do fall in romantic love a number of times in their lives, but it is impossible to replicate the parental bond in adult life.

I think you needed to soften your stance on his new partner. Whatever you think of her and I accept she could be a money grabber or she could genuinely have fallen for your father even if she isn't your cup of tea. Equally, she may harbour unfounded suspicions that you are only interested in getting your share of the will and are putting this ahead of your father's happiness, but then perception and reality don't always match up.

If you can, explain to your dad either in person or on the phone that you acknowledge that it is his decision when to move on with his life, but you are still struggling with your loss and you'd like to get to know his new partner but slowly. Could we all meet in a few weeks for coffee or a meal at a neutral venue and take it from there?

Happened to me too :-(

She had moved in a redecorated the entire house removing everyone that's was my mum's within 5 months ...

Dad's recently been back in contact I only suspect it's because he's ill ....and she has no intention on caring for him

I would encourage OP to build your relationship with your aunt. I think you would be of great comfort to each other -you're both very much missing your mum.

You've had some excellent advice already regards your father. I would just add that apologising is a good idea because you can then hold yourself beyond reproach, so YOU know you have done the right thing/have a clear conscience. Because I would give them nothing to work with, don't be the unifying glue of the 'common enemy' that holds them together, as she tries to foster 'them & us' against the world. In fact it sounds as if their poor neighbour might also have fallen into that role! If you do get to talk and your dad mentions the neighbour incident rather than castigate his GF as the agitator and cause of the dispute, express polite disinterest 'oh dear, that sounds unfortunate...you've never had any trouble before, it must be stressful ...perhaps you can make it up' and move on to happy memories/how the GC miss him & what they're up to/ask his advice about how to do something that you know he's expert in/disarmingly thoughtful actions - use what unites you to unite you - but don't over invest. Conserve energy - play the long game.

It's sadly very common. My father was remarried within a year of my mother's death (whom he'd calculatedly remarried on her death bed - they were previously divorced) when I was a teen. It impacted my younger brother who was not only grieving the loss of our mother but suddenly had a new uninvolved stepmother and her son, who he didn't know, catapulted into his life. Occasionally I'd return home and find her wearing my mother's old clothes & on one notable occasion, mine! I blame my father totally. It wasn't as if we were grown and gone - he still had a duty to us as our dad - but his needs were uppermost & he was at that time appallingly selfish.

But I was glad he married that one and not the previous gf who helped him spend all of his share of my mother's money & ditched him after he gave her 10k.

To gf no 1 & my father's surprised chagrin they discovered my mother had split her will, half to him so he could look after us and half directly to us. Mymother's money helped see me and then my brother through university and got us both out of there.

We both maintained a warm enough but distant relationship with my father, leaving him to his new life & giving neither anything to work with. I sent birthday,Christmas cards and spoke once every week on the phone.

Things are much better now. My step-mother is dead. My brother married not only his wife but also married into a family. I did encourage my father to find someone else as I don't want him to be lonely but he seems this time to be content on his own. He rings every day. I think he has spent the last ten years or so regretting and atoning (self imposed) and has been since a good father/grandfather although now one increasingly in decline and needing our help.

Good luck OP

Sorry, I didn't see your update so my advice regarding your dad is not relevant.

Following that emotional phone call I would just leave it OP, as hard as it seems. Let those who love and care for you do exactly that and out him to one side. Invest in those that return your love and care for you. I had a fantastic great-aunt who cared for my brother and me - his daughter has her name in her memory - perhaps your aunt might fulfil that role for you & your family? Or perhaps invest your time with dh's family?

It's horribly sad about your dad. He doesn't want anyone to be a fly in the ointment pointing out the issues he's chosen to be blinkered to and is being ruthless at your expense to get it.

It's really hard but I wouldn't lose my dad over it, I think I'd suck it up, go and visit every so often be civil to her and work slowly on turning it around. He won't change his mind but you may lose a father completely

"he told me I was not to interfere and if she wanted it this way (the low contact between me and him) then she was entitled to assert herself in their relationship,"

Well that put you firmly in the place that she wants you in!

I'd leave him to it as well.

If he thinks that it's OK for her to decide when contact takes place between you then there really is nothing that you can do/say imo.

What a low blow saying he wished he had met her years ago, how cruel.
I would leave it now and have nothing to do with him.

Well you tried op. He is in the grip of madness and manipulation. Allow yourself to feel the hurt and anger and draw on the love of others. Send him the occasional friendly text. I am so sorry you have been hurt like this while grieving.

Sorry but it sounds like you phoned to give him more of the same.

You still don't like her.

You are upset.

Etc. Etc.

Apart from the little bit about her deciding on the contact you have with your dad, none of it sounds unreasonable.

You were upset that she'd moved into the home. Now you're upset that she's moving out of the home!

Honestly, your attitude isn't conciliatory at all. And that's fine. But hardly conducive to making up.

He's entitled to do what he wants, whether you want him to or not!

I'm not saying it doesn't hurt. But did you really think reiterating your annoyance and upset was going to change anything??

seriously Walter? How could anyone think he wasn't purposely cruel in that call?

Did you read the same post that I did Walter?!

OP that sounds truly awful - your DF is being a complete arse and I'm sorry that he is being so cold towards you. I hope he has a change of heart soon.

I'd like to think that since he's been a loving father for the op's whole life, there's a chance that her words have hurt him, too.

I'm assuming that much as op helped out, when night fell all the caring for his sick wife was done by him.

Maybe he's enjoying having a relationship of equals and thinks OP is jealous and raining on his parade because of it.

I fully admit there's a chance that's not the case and he's really been a cold, calculating bastard her whole life though.

And some of his words were cruel, yes.

People are cruel when they're hurt sometimes.

Think about it; op said she disliked this woman and wanted nothing to do with her. They stopped talking (not sending a birthday card was truly shitty.)

Then out of the blue he gets a call saying the same things!

There was always a chance he was going to react the same way.

I have a SIL I cannot stand, she is vile beyond your imagination (especially with a drink in her), but to maintain a relationship with my brother I am civil to her and have NEVER told my brother that I dislike her. There is no need or anything to gain by doing this.

You dad obviously loves or at least is extremely fond of her and sees her as his future. You cannot expect to mend your relationship with him by telling him you don't like her when he has made it clear they come as a couple now.

I honestly think your only chance now is to give it some time and then call and say you have still been grieving for your mum and accept you haven't given his partner the time to get to know her/respect as his partner or whatever you feel best say. NEVER repeat to him that you don't like her, some things are best left unsaid.

How awful for you OP. And how hurtful saying he wishes he'd met her years ago, his head has been turned that's for sure.

I think, from now on, you can really not show any dislike of her. Try and zone out thoughts about her, and just be normal and pleasant as much as you would be to a stranger.

Because he's made his choice and you have to accept that or lose him. He cannot expect her to be family and loved just like that. You dont meet someone for the first time and immediately do that so he is being mean and unrealistic. But for now, I would try to rise above it and never ever say anything against her to your Dad because it will start the whole process all over again.

I think for some men, they express their love for their partner by doing everything they want. It creates a really dysfunctional relationship. They let the wife do all relationships and emotional things and just follow/do what they are told. Some men do not like doing family relationships so basically opt out.

My father was like this with my mother, and now that she is gone, he idolises her memory. Certainly not the mother I knew . He hasn't found someone else and is not looking, but I am sure it would be like that if he ever did.

I don't think there is much to be gained by going back to him. Leave the ball in his court and go and look after yourself.

Go to Cruse and get some bereavement counselling - all this complicates grieving and you need help. Book a holiday with your family. Go and see your aunt. Join something to give you a distraction to look forward to. Buy yourself some flowers

He cannot expect her to be family and loved just like that. You dont meet someone for the first time and immediately do that so he is being mean and unrealistic.

True, but I don't think that it is unreasonable for his partner to be acknowledged as an important part of his life and treated with a degree of politeness and respect. It doesn't seem the op is being asked to call her mother or sit on her knee whilst she reads her stories.

If I was in your position I think I would play her at her own game. I would apologise to him for my bad behaviour, put it down to grief and say that I will try harder in future- you haven't done anything wrong but it should take some hostility away.
I would pop round with flowers and chocolates/home made cakes for them and apologise again. Be super sickly sweet to her.
Get the kids to draw pics/make models and take them around as gifts- she would look churlish to refuse to have them. Get the kids to ask about them when they next go round.
Give a nice framed photo of your family and put it in a prominent place saying how lovely it looks there.
Flowers in a vase. Basically reminders of you in his home.
Once back on good terms I would pop in weekly, making yourself at home as much as her dc are. Leave your dc in his care for a while.
Always have a smile on your face and ignore her bad behaviour- the more you ignore the worse she will get until she looks unhinged.
Take her on a spa day alone, tell her what you think of her and then deny it when asked saying she is lying to drive a wedge between you (after a year or so of being back on good terms and only when certain you will be believed). Make yourself look like the victim, imply she's after his money.
Last resort-Get an older single man to woo her, implying he is loaded.
*maybe not the last couple.

I just want to say how sorry I am. I know it would have been incredibly painful to me to go through what you're going through.

Perhaps you should back away for now. Give yourself some time after that last phone call to process things.

Is there someone you know who would be in a position to keep 'tabs' on your father quietly and let you know what's what?

Bambam you were very gracious in your phone call to your father. I think as he muses on it her will realise this, too but will be too pigheaded to openly acknowledge it.
Very painful for you but also hiss loss. As you said, the ball is in his court and you can only carry on with your life. If you feel able do send a card for his birthday and at Christmas because you would have expected to do that. Maybe he'll find it in his heart to acknowledge your birthday in future -- though most men seem to rely on their OH to do that sort of thing.
Good luck

I'm so sorry OP, that you have to go through this. I disagree with other comments that you said the same things again on the phone, and must been awful the way he responded.
I know it's not the same but I've seen similar happen with DH's family, although through divorce rather than death, and he's never got over being forced out by new stepmum, being cut out of his inheritance in favour of her daughter and his dad making it very clear where his priorities lie.
Your dad's gf's grandchildren being there all the time is the final insult, but at least your DCs don't seem too upset.
You've done nothing wrong, you can't change someone else's behaviour. He may well end up old and lonely when she's sucked the life out of him. But until then look after yourself, maybe counselling might help?

I think you have given her ,on a plate ,exactly what she wants.yr father all his money,property,all to herself.ofcourse she wants you to fall out with him.then he disinherits you from his will.and she gets everything....so in yr shoes I would be visiting at least every week.with his grandchildren and building those bridges with yr dad...it's what yr mum would want x