To stand my ground over my fathers new parter

[bambambaby]

My mother died late last year and my father met a new woman fairly quickly. Initially she seemed really nice and my dad was happy so I was happy for him - he's had a lot on his plate caring for my late mother as she was ill for years before she died. Soon it became apparent that she didn't really like me - I could tell, the undercurrent whenever I visited was of dislike and I was always answered with one word answers, little snide remarks etc and my dad was just oblivious to it all. She was also at my fathers house ALL the time, I was never able to visit without her there.

Despite this, all was plodding along ok but I started to notice a definite withdrawal from my father - our relationship was previously close with my mother being poorly as I supported him. He wouldnt answer his phone / reply to texts etc.

I spoke to him about this as he went many weeks without contact (I hung back to see if he would contact me as he'd not seen his GC's for many weeks) - it turns out his new partner doesn't like that he was texting and speaking to me most days and she told him that it was too much.

Naturally I told my dad that he should be really careful and that it wasnt right that she wanted my dad and I to lessen contact, I still dont know her very well and shes now moved in permanentlyand managed to remove every trace of my mother from the house. My father basically went off on one and told me to mind my own business (he has never spoken to me like this before and I suspect she was feeding him what to say in the background).

I told him I didnt like her and that I didnt want anything to do with her. He told me in that case I was out of his life and hes not spoken to me since. I am holding my ground as to be honest I dont see why I should back down - his parter is nothing to me and I shouldnt be forced to bother with her, especially as she is being horrible. This no contact is exactly what she wants I suspect.

I'm lost, dont want to back down as I feel so strongly about it but I miss my father.

So sorry OP. I'm afraid this is extremely common my DF and my DH'S DF have both acted in a similar way. My DF was ill and he married her just before he died in a quick service. Obviously everything was left to this woman who basically split the whole family up. It seems men just want an easy life an are willing to sacrifice their family at any cost.

I don't think you will win in this situation - I'm sorry as I know have incredibly painful it is to live with what feels like a compete betrayal.

I'm an only child. I've been there for my father for years, helped him with mum, helped him sort paperwork to claim things for mum, helped him financially when he was out of work, been there for him at the drop of a hat sometimes putting his needs before my family. And then he does this.

But he is merely a puppet now Bambam and she is holding all the strings. I think the fear of living alone at his age is too great for him and he will push you away to keep his relationship with her.

Seems like it. I'm a grown woman with two children in a happy marriage but I feel like a bloody child about it all at the moment. Totally abandoned, sounds ridiculous, I swing between being really angry and wanting to never see him ever again and breaking my heart at losing another parent.

I think he's told you he doesn't want contact so take him at his word. Any adult who chooses a piece of arse over their kids isn't worth it. A lot of men do this. It's not being vulnerable, it's just being weak and foolish. I'd cut him loose.

I agree with this.

I couldn't apologise and continue to see my dad who has put a bitch of a new woman before me. She didn't like him texting you so much so he stopped? I have no time for men like that, dad or not.

I am sorry OP

It's hard to empathise with this unless it's happened to you.

OP, I am in the same situation. I feel your pain and also share your anger. I wish I had some constructive advice but I've tried everything and in the end have just given up

i dunno op, hes in his twilight years and maybe the thought of being alone for them is clouding his judgement.

i think as people get older they do get more stubborn andcwant their own way much like children. im not sure i could turn my back on an elderly vulnerable parent even if they were being a dick, even less so if i thought they were being manipulated, just as id never turn my back on my children. as a pp said this is definitely a long game situation imo, drip honey and kill with kindness

grieving people do strange things op and make strange decisions. I wouldn't cut him out of your life for things he has said and done shortly after his wife died. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you but I would assume (until proven otherwise) that he was not totally thinking straight when he said those things. As for the other woman, I have no excuses for her but I don't think you should let her stop you from having a relationship with your father. Contact him and tell him you miss him and want to see him, don't get drawn into taking about what happened and don't say anything negative about her. Focus on your relationship and just ignore her as much as you can.

This has happened to me , my DM died when I was 7 .DF had a string of women 'helping the poor man with those children and big house to clean etc' , he was married within the year , my older brothers were banished into a shitty bedsit on the other side of town , I was sent to a school miles away so I was out of the house until 5pm (with a view to become a boarder aged 10) ,

That lasted a few years until she managed to get her name on the house deeds and left DF for a younger bloke , leaving in cloud of Chanel and £50k better off .

Mine and DF relationship never really recovered from it all ...so did he learn from this ? Of course not ,he did it twice more . I was a adult by now so as far as my kids thought grandad was a man who visited a couple of times a year for a hour or so .

His last act of wonderfulness was to marry again 6 wks before died ( knowing he was terminal) to a witch of a woman that refused to acknowledge he even had children as we were 'in his past' (actual quote!) .she got the lot !

Any who , I could tell you some right things but this is op story so my only advice is to stop looking at this woman and blaming her ....I've come to the conclusion that as much as my dads wives ,gf etc were influencing him ,it was actually him that didn't do the right thing and was allowing it to happen .He must have known , I cried to him often enough .

Chin up,shoulders back op , your in for a rough time ,sorry

But to keep being put beneath her DF'S GF is souls destroying and very damaging. Sometimes you have to save yourself the heartache. Yes her DF is being manipulated but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it as I can testify and many others in the same situation can too.

I agree with not contacting him. The fact he didn't even text you in your birthday is awful. Hopefully they won't last long together and you'll soon get a phone call from him apologising.

Yes, I'm aware that im coming across as putting all the blame on her. He knows what he's doing, he simply doesn't want to risk losing her so will go along with whatever she says, even if it means he loses contact with his daughter.

She's got two children and by all accounts (their next door neighbour gives me all the gossip lol) they are there with their children all the time.

Just to give you a flavour of what this woman is like though - my parents lived in their house 36 years and got on with next door really well, this woman has been in there permanently about 5 months and her and my dad have now fallen out with the neighbours, a shouty screaming argument in the street that my dad had to go out and 'rescue' this woman from. Neighbour tells me it was the woman that started it by being goady but as soon as dad appeared she became the victim and of course he kicked off to 'protect' her.
It's so sad, just wish my father could see what is happening.

This happened to my beloved grandad. Within a year of my grandmother's death he was living at the other side of the country with the new woman. He paid for expensive renovations to her house. He left her all his money, a not inconsiderable amount which previously he had intended to use to pay his grandchildren's university fees amongst other things. She got him to change his will when he became ill, isolated and alone. We tried our best, he stayed with us for weeks at a time and we visited. At first the new woman didn't seem so bad.

Without going into too much detail, she abused a very ill and vulnerable man, her treatment of him imo contributed to his sudden death

It tore my dad to bits. My parents are very easy going and they don't give a shit about money, but my gran had started her life in grinding poverty, and had worked her fingers to the bone for what she had. To see this bitch of a woman mistreat DGF and swan off with my grans hard earned money just shook my dad's belief in people to the core. It was so deliberate, so calculated. We later found out that she had form.

It's shown me what some people are like, and I would certainly take steps in my own will to ensure anything I had for DD would be protected

It is incredibly sad and incredibly hurtful that your Dad has in effect cast you aside.

Only you can decide what you want in the future and what you are prepared to do to try and achieve that.

Which is the least painful being NC with your Dad or having some contact and choosing to ignore his bad behaviour There is also the risk of holding out the olive branch and having it slapped back in your face...

OP So sad to read this thread. My only thoughts are let your father know your door is still open to him and bide your time, send him birthday cards, occasionally let him know how his grandchildren are doing. Situations can change, maybe yours will. 💐

What a horrible situation. I hope it can be recovered.

I can't offer any personal advice, having never been in this situation. Although if it were me, I'd be tempted to get in contact with your Dad anyway, saying "You're my Dad, and I love you. You may not want to talk to me, but I'm going to talk to you whether you like it or not", and then try to have an initial conversation that doesn't mention his new lady (although she sounds like a manipulative witch).

That said, my advice could be rubbish.

Good luck - I hope it works out.

Toofat wow just wow. I do agree. You df chose this.

All you can do op is to protect your children as best you can. You sound as if you've been a wonderful daughter. And treat this loss as another bereavement. I'm in therapy to come to terms with the loss of never having a mother, who never truly loved me, who emotionally abused and abuses me. I am grieving what that little girl inside me always wanted. It's very cathartic and highly recommended.

OP, with all the kindness possible, you're an adult now. Your father has helped you to a certain extent with the grieving process, but he has his own grief to deal with, and his partner is possibly part of it. It's not fair to expect your relatives to take the full burden of helping you cope with your grieving - particularly when they have their own issues to deal with.

If you need help with your grief process, talk with a professional. That's what they are for. Your father can help you to a limited extent, and frankly I can see how calling every single day might be overwhelming to him and his partner. He is also coping with the loss of his wife.

Op this sounds incredibly painful for you. Do whatever you think will make you happiest. Your father has acted badly and sounds weak. I don't care how old you are you should have been his priority.

Is inheritance an issue here? If so I'd try and build bridges even if they aren't genuine. Why should this woman get what should be yours.

I'd look into grief counciling so you can get over the loss of your mum and the behaviour of your father.

I think that you have done all you can tbh.

He either can't or won't see your pov.

Either way, his desperation to be with her is the most important thing to him & he has gone NC with you.

Leave him to it-it's his decision as an adult to make.

Sorry for your loss OP.
My dad has done the same (well, except the woman is nearly 50 years younger than him.) At first I kept in close contact with him, but it was just too hurtful to see him being twisted around her little finger, not interested in my life or those of his grandkids, and tbh I thought he was almost as disgusting as she was. I have very little to do with him now, and it's been a weight off my mind. I didn't realise how stressful it was worrying about it or how draining putting in loads of effort with someone who I have no respect for and who doesn't give a shit about his family.

There was a lovely couple I met weekly at a writing group. The wife was in it for years before her husband joined too. She found she had cancer and, within months, died. I sent a sympathy card but couldn't get to the funeral as I was working and didn't visit him as I had never been to the house (near me) before and didn't want to intrude.
I heard he was about to go and live near his stepchildren (who were very fond of him) hundreds of miles away so called round with a Christmas card. He was so lonely and grateful to see me. Perhaps because the two of them had been so happy together it seems no neighbours had been near him, I so wished I'd called sooner. We parted with hugs and a tear or two but didn't exchange addresses.
He was very a warm and attractive person (as was his DW) and reading this thread I realise part of the reason I didn't call sooner was that I didn't want to leap into his life.

Just to give you a flavour of what this woman is like though - my parents lived in their house 36 years and got on with next door really well, this woman has been in there permanently about 5 months and her and my dad have now fallen out with the neighbours, a shouty screaming argument in the street that my dad had to go out and 'rescue' this woman from. Neighbour tells me it was the woman that started it by being goady but as soon as dad appeared she became the victim and of course he kicked off to 'protect' her.

Good. Give it a while, eventually he'll realize that not everyone can be wrong about her. In fact chances are the mask will slip and he'll be on the other end of her temper sooner or later - possibly after marriage. That's why I don't think you should cut him off completely. Just "Happy Birthday/Christmas Dad, I hope you're well" by text - nothing to inflame her, just basic courtesy. I'll be surprised if she keeps the act up for the rest of his life. But you can't force it, give him enough space to see it for himself.

My father's wife excludes me, they have children together too which are far more important to my father. For a long time I was just polite and too gracious. A couple of years ago I wrote to my Dad and told him I'd like him to be more part of my life, but it was a little late. He read it as 'not liking his second family', even though I've never, ever, been mean to her.

So I do understand OP, but I would assert what you want and be very careful not to slag off his new partner. He's bound to be defensive.

What do you want? Time with your Dad? Him to be a grandfather to your kids? Then get the kids to ring him. Go around when she is there. Suck it up. If your Dad is important to you, make him realise that. Otherwise he'll think that your relationship with you is dependent on your approval or like of his new partner. It really shouldn't be.

Also, I am a step mum too, and my eldest DSD does not like me. I'm sure in her mind, it was 'me' who is distant. It really isn't, I tried for a long time to be nice. She tried to make her Dad choose, he chose me.

So also consider, that maybe your Dad's partner possibly isn't horrible. She may be immature, jealous, silly. Or she me be controlling. Either way. You need your Dad and he really needs you.

From your Dad's point of view - he's just watched the woman he loves die slowly. Mortality must be weighing heavily on his mind. And then suddenly this new younger woman comes into his life, with her toddler grandchildren, and the house is suddenly filled with life and fun and chaos again - that's a very tough thing to give up. Losing one's partner is, in a way, worse than losing a parent - you've lost your best friend and the person who has shared the most with you during your life, the person that you trust the most and get on with the best. So I can understand why, instead of facing the grieving process, he's just plunged headlong into this relationship, even though I think she sounds awful.

I feel for you tremendously OP, and I think he is behaving really badly, but at the moment the relationship he has with this woman is his life-support. It's not that he doesn't care about you, it's that right now he can't afford to put you first. You have to play the long game and be smart, as others have suggested. Explain to him that you will be civil to her but he can't expect more, and remind him that you are his daughter and that you are grieving too.

I hope things get better for you. This must be so awful OP, really, to lose one parent and then have the other withdraw in such a hurtful manner - you have my deepest sympathy.