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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stand my ground over my fathers new parter

247 replies

bambambaby · 06/08/2016 11:14

My mother died late last year and my father met a new woman fairly quickly. Initially she seemed really nice and my dad was happy so I was happy for him - he's had a lot on his plate caring for my late mother as she was ill for years before she died. Soon it became apparent that she didn't really like me - I could tell, the undercurrent whenever I visited was of dislike and I was always answered with one word answers, little snide remarks etc and my dad was just oblivious to it all. She was also at my fathers house ALL the time, I was never able to visit without her there.

Despite this, all was plodding along ok but I started to notice a definite withdrawal from my father - our relationship was previously close with my mother being poorly as I supported him. He wouldnt answer his phone / reply to texts etc.

I spoke to him about this as he went many weeks without contact (I hung back to see if he would contact me as he'd not seen his GC's for many weeks) - it turns out his new partner doesn't like that he was texting and speaking to me most days and she told him that it was too much. Shock

Naturally I told my dad that he should be really careful and that it wasnt right that she wanted my dad and I to lessen contact, I still dont know her very well and shes now moved in permanentlyand managed to remove every trace of my mother from the house. My father basically went off on one and told me to mind my own business (he has never spoken to me like this before and I suspect she was feeding him what to say in the background).

I told him I didnt like her and that I didnt want anything to do with her. He told me in that case I was out of his life and hes not spoken to me since. I am holding my ground as to be honest I dont see why I should back down - his parter is nothing to me and I shouldnt be forced to bother with her, especially as she is being horrible. This no contact is exactly what she wants I suspect.

I'm lost, dont want to back down as I feel so strongly about it but I miss my father.

OP posts:
tosto · 06/08/2016 16:27

This is why our wills state that the widowed spouse has the right to live in family property until death but our half share of assets goes to our DC not the spouse.

Seen this scenario too many times and luckily for me DH has had close friends affected by scenarios like this so was not at all offended at my suggestion of setting up wills in this way.

likehamnotjam · 06/08/2016 16:31

It's horrifying to think that these women die thinking that eventually everything will go to their children and grandchildren, when in reality the opposite happens.
If nothing else, The OP's thread has made some of us think about ways we can prevent that from happening.
If it means making out a will to ensure that any money and proceeds don't go to someone who has only been on the scene in the last couple of years.

likehamnotjam · 06/08/2016 16:33

This is why our wills state that the widowed spouse has the right to live in family property until death but our half share of assets goes to our DC not the spouse.

Seen this scenario too many times and luckily for me DH has had close friends affected by scenarios like this so was not at all offended at my suggestion of setting up wills in this way.

Excellent idea.

Original poster
bambambaby · 06/08/2016 16:34

I'm not worried about inheritance, my parents house is small, my dad won't have much of a pension (he's cashed it all in to a lump sum) and I would never have been bothered if he'd done one of those equity release things to make his old age more comfortable.

This isn't about money at all (unless she marries him then forces him out if they split) then he'd be stuffed as he's have nowhere to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
bambambaby · 06/08/2016 16:35

I'm sad for my mother, I know she can't see what's happening but she'd be gutted to think that it's panned out this way.

OP posts:
Cocolepew · 06/08/2016 16:44

Sorry for your loss.
I agred with those that said not to try anymore. Your Dad has chosen to not get in touch with you, he may be influenced by the new woman but at the end of the day he is an adult.
It must be incredibly hurtful though.
My Aunt was terminal ill and her neighbour went in every day at all times to help.
In reality she was shagging my uncle. This was denied of course, but they got together publicly the day after the funeral.
My uncle doted on his grandchildren but my cousin cut contact with him and he hasn't seen them since.

MontalbanoFan · 06/08/2016 16:55

If anyone feels uncomfortable reading about wills, inheritances etc., I'd like to say that it's not always about money - or about daughters and sons losing out on vast sums.
A friend of mine had a similar experience to OP's. Her father quickly found another woman and, when he died, nothing - absolutely nothing - was left to my friend.
That meant that little things that had been of importance to her mother, like jewellery, pretty china etc., were lost to the family for ever.
It's so sad and I feel very sorry for people in this situation.

GabsAlot · 06/08/2016 16:58

bambam thats how i feel aswell my sister said it to him he said dont be cruel she would be happy for me

likehamnotjam · 06/08/2016 17:03

OP, as Montalbano says, it's not always about the money.

That meant that little things that had been of importance to her mother, like jewellery, pretty china etc., were lost to the family for ever.

CharlieSierra · 06/08/2016 17:09

I know what you mean when you say sad for your Mum, I'm the same. It's like the father and husband you thought you had was a lie. What they both shared and held dear between them is destroyed - and in my Dad's case too it is obviously just about sex. I can't believe the woman he has taken up with in his 80s, my Mother would be horrified. And I'm disgusted that a man of his age is so obviously being led by what's in his pants and everything else is less important. I've kept on speaking terms though, so I can keep an eye on her, if you can possibly do the same I think it's worthwhile.

Original poster
bambambaby · 06/08/2016 17:10

There's my mothers rings and some gold chains. Not much else except my childhood photos. My father has given my mothers sister all the photos of her and her family (again, they had to be removed from the house) so they've not been lost, my aunt is keeping them for me. My aunt has been very dignified, she's saying very little, after all he's been her BIL for nearly 50 years and doesn't want a falling out. Privately she thinks the whole thing is wrong though, although like me, she was happy he was having company and companionship.
He turned up with this woman on my aunties doorstep at Christmas despite my aunt saying she wasn't ready to meet her yet. It was either my father forcing the issue or the woman not accepting my aunties wishes.

OP posts:
Scuttle22 · 06/08/2016 17:12

tosco but all wills are revoked on marriage so this wouldn help I'm afraid. I think the French have it set in law that the children get their fair share of the estate.

tosto · 06/08/2016 17:13

Yes, sentimental items also covered in wills.

Reality is, assets will probably have to be sold to be spent on care and our pensions are pitiful to say the least, but it is very naive to think this isn't a common scenario, and that lovely you and your lovely partner might not feel and behave differently upon being bereaved and in the company of much needed 'support'.

tosto · 06/08/2016 17:16

Scuttle - we made the wills post marriage and were advised that you can do this with some of your assets.

My friend's DH sadly died intestate and she didn't get everything - it was split up between her and her children without any say from her (not that she objected).

RhodaBull · 06/08/2016 17:19

Feel so sorry for you, OP.

Actually I was thinking about this and I can think of lots of examples of men doing this. Even if it feels uncomfortable, no one would begrudge a father the need for companionship and a new relationship in time. But so many widowers lose their heads and treat their children shabbily. And so many new wives seem to be on a mission to whitewash existing children and possibly grandchildren out of the picture.

I wonder why it is?

Scuttle22 · 06/08/2016 17:20

Exactly Montal it's not about the money my DF didn't have anything really it's the little things all our family possessions, photos, ornaments, furniture which have no real value to her. Also you will have no say over the funeral (sorry)etc. My SM still has my father's ashes - his DM had bought a buriel plot for him to join her and my DGF.

Scuttle22 · 06/08/2016 17:22

I hope that's right Tosco and that is definitely something I will look into soon.

CharlieSierra · 06/08/2016 17:27

Scuttle you can set up how you own your property so that you can will your half as you please.

Roussette · 06/08/2016 17:37

That meant that little things that had been of importance to her mother, like jewellery, pretty china etc., were lost to the family for ever.
It's so sad and I feel very sorry for people in this situation

That happened to us and it was the worst thing. My lovely SIL and my DH and I went to the house after he died and all the family bits were there and everything we touched or looked at she jumped in saying (namechanged for obvious purposes) "David so much wanted me to have that ornament" or "David always said that was mine" or "Oh David would have been so upset and hurt if I didn't have that, he always said I should have it". This was a woman who'd known him barely 18 months. My very gentle and too nice DH and DSIL walked out with family photos (she wasn't interested in those as they weren't worth anything) one vase and a book. All the sentimental stuff are now with her family (she has since died) , people we never even met.

OP I would urge you, if there is any way, to get hold of anything like your DM's jewellery or precious family things. I appreciate it is difficult but maybe your Aunt can help in some way.

willitbe · 06/08/2016 17:44

I am just going to put another point of view here, I read the thread earlier and was surprised that virtually everyone saw the girlfriend as money-grabbing or opportunistic.

What if these two are genuinely in love, two broken hearts finding each other, and enjoying the thrill of young love. Then the daughter is ringing or texting incesently, there is no need, her dad is fine, really happy for the first time in years. But the daughter keeps on acting as if the dad needs her help, just as he did when he was caring for his late wife. Yes I think I would be annoyed that we couldn't have some time without her poking her nose in every day. I think I would feel a little resentful that we couldn't have a day just to ourselves to enjoy our new happiness. Then she gets all stropy for her dad wanting some time to just enjoy time with his new girlfriend. How about giving her dad some space and time? But the daughter pushes and pushes him, and the final straw of giving him the ultimatum of his new found love or her. He has every right to feel hurt by her conditions on loving him, not wanting him to be happy with his new girlfriend. It might not be the girlfriend that is angry, but the dad......

The assumption that this woman is bad because she became frustrated by the daughter continual wanting to control her dad and who he is friends with is not good. I am not saying this is what happened, but just saying that it could be that there is another side to this.

"My father basically went off on one and told me to mind my own business (he has never spoken to me like this before and I suspect she was feeding him what to say in the background)." Why would you automatically assume that it was not coming from him, but from her?? He has just been through a life-changing experience, and needs to find a new life, but if the daughter doesn't like the new life her dad is leading, what right has she to try to dictate that he should stop. Advice, or suggest a change maybe, but not try to give ultimatums of me or her.

OP if by any chance you have got it wrong, with the grief of your mothers death blurring your clarity, then why not give this woman the benefit of the doubt. Give them the space they need to develop their relationship, but apologise for putting your dad in the position of having to tell you to mind your own business. Apologise for not giving the girlfriend a chance. Blame it all on grief and try to make amends, give them space, but keep in touch. If this woman is as bad as people here assume, it will be much more obvious with time, but your dad will have you supporting him. If this woman is really genuine, then you may be able to slowly get to know her and develop a genuine relationship with her.

Scuttle22 · 06/08/2016 17:45

Yes I would try to take anything that is of sentimental value to you sooner rather than later. I know you probably don't want to appear materialistic but it really is important you get the things your DM would have wanted for you otherwise this woman will more than likely take them.

Ludoole · 06/08/2016 17:45

I have an issue similar but im the widow (of 8 months) and its my mother who has an issue with my new man. Yes i took up with him quickly but ive explained to her how i was able to move on so fast (long complicate story!)
However she has taken a dislike to him. She has no reason too as hes been the source of my happiness for the last few months....
I know the situation different but my mother cant explain why she doesnt like him, she says she considered me "vulnerable" and in all honesty hes more vulnerable than i was....
I hope you can resolve your relationship with your dad. My relationship with my mother is at breaking point and it hurts...

chaplin1409 · 06/08/2016 17:58

I kind of know how you feel. My mum died 6 years ago. My dad only lives round the corner from me so we used to see him a lot and would spend weekends doing stuff my children, husband and dad. Then he met a woman and he has spent every weekend with her. He had recently got in to kayaking and so did my husband and we went with friends but this new woman does not like kayaking so sad has not been. My children have not seen him since he met her which has upset them. He stays at hers so we can't even pop round at weekends and see him. Also he used to always respond to text etc but not anymore.

likehamnotjam · 06/08/2016 19:20

My children have not seen him since he met her which has upset them.

What kind of grandad doesn't want to see his grandchildren?
OP is having the same problem - not only is her DF no contact with her, he's taking it out on his grandchildren by not seeing them and putting his new woman first.
That's lower tha low, (don't care how much they're enjoying the 'thrill of young love) Hmm

Student69 · 06/08/2016 19:31

Something similar happened with my grandad. He new woman used him for money and holidays, my parent and other family got on with her for the sake of it but she would be all smiles and sunshine but would be nasty underneath. It got the the point that he made my mum cry and I refused to see him. Due to his new lady friend he became ill which lead to his death and I still didn't see him. I feel sorry for him but I stood my ground, he choose this women over his family and I can never forgive him for it. It's in your fathers court now, if he can't see that his being controlled and dominated then he is a fool and will see it eventually.

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