To stand my ground over my fathers new parter

[bambambaby]

My mother died late last year and my father met a new woman fairly quickly. Initially she seemed really nice and my dad was happy so I was happy for him - he's had a lot on his plate caring for my late mother as she was ill for years before she died. Soon it became apparent that she didn't really like me - I could tell, the undercurrent whenever I visited was of dislike and I was always answered with one word answers, little snide remarks etc and my dad was just oblivious to it all. She was also at my fathers house ALL the time, I was never able to visit without her there.

Despite this, all was plodding along ok but I started to notice a definite withdrawal from my father - our relationship was previously close with my mother being poorly as I supported him. He wouldnt answer his phone / reply to texts etc.

I spoke to him about this as he went many weeks without contact (I hung back to see if he would contact me as he'd not seen his GC's for many weeks) - it turns out his new partner doesn't like that he was texting and speaking to me most days and she told him that it was too much.

Naturally I told my dad that he should be really careful and that it wasnt right that she wanted my dad and I to lessen contact, I still dont know her very well and shes now moved in permanentlyand managed to remove every trace of my mother from the house. My father basically went off on one and told me to mind my own business (he has never spoken to me like this before and I suspect she was feeding him what to say in the background).

I told him I didnt like her and that I didnt want anything to do with her. He told me in that case I was out of his life and hes not spoken to me since. I am holding my ground as to be honest I dont see why I should back down - his parter is nothing to me and I shouldnt be forced to bother with her, especially as she is being horrible. This no contact is exactly what she wants I suspect.

I'm lost, dont want to back down as I feel so strongly about it but I miss my father.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It feels like all the things you rely on just turn upside down. My f was always a bit of an arse but I used to think at least he tries. Anyway after mum died they had those joint will things. But f has someone new and we don't even have my mother's jewellery or sentimental items. He appears not care much about us children. I dont know if hes just stupendously bad at it or coulfnt give a damn.

For a long time I felt orphaned even though he's still alive - which in a way I am: I not longer have anyone who parents me. I blame him.

It's v hard to build bridges to someone who isn't interested in you anymore petal especially if they are your parent.

I disagree. It is the father who is giving everything on a plate to his new amour.

OP can hardly start a war of attrition when she is hurt and grieving. Better to look after herself first and take strength from her remaining family and help them.

OP can only hand the woman what she wants on a plate if Op's father is willing to let it happen!

It seems that the father withdrew & when Op asked him about it he went NC!

Just at the PP whose stepmother wore her mother's clothes

I also think there is a degree of supposition and blaming the new woman, rather than the father.

Yes, the house got re-decorated, but could it not be that the father wants to think of the future and not the past and being surrounded by his deceased wife's things was painful for him? Or he wanted to make his new partner comfortable by ensuring she wasn't moving into a shrine to a dead woman. My Gran did something similar, insisted that all my grandfather's clothes were taken away before the funeral.

Likewise I could understand why he would want to move house, if he found constant reminders of the past and his wife's illness difficult to deal with. I think father and daughter are experiencing very different types of loss and dealing it in very different ways (neither of them particularly well as they are at loggerheads) and are struggling to see what the other needs.

I'm sorry Bam, they really do seem to follow the same script. It has everything to with control and money. I do blame the woman because your DF is in a vulnerable position.

Could you get a hold of a few leaflets on abusive relationships and drop a few through his door?

Good grief please don't drop leaflets about abusive relationships through his door! Talk to him, apologise and allow him to live how he wants. He's being an arse but he's not the first grieving man to do this and he won't be the last. To punish him by going nc it not going to work he's called your bluff. Try to be happy for him that's he has found some happiness even though you don't approve and you think he's picked badly surely he has the right to live as he chooses.

You're all obviously a lot more forgiving than i am. i'd need quite awhile before i tried contact again and certainly wouldn't be grovelling.

I'm not grovelling, I love my father but don't like him very much at the moment. I've only ever been there for him and I feel betrayed and tossed aside like I'm no longer of any use to him because she's running his life for him now.
DH is very angry with him for making me so upset, I think there'd be fireworks if DH was to see him at the moment. I'm concentrating on my DH and children from now on, they are all I need.

Let him get on with it. He will only back himself further into his chosen corner otherwise.

Do something nice with DH and look after yourself. You are hurting, and need some TLC. If your DC are anything like mine, they will keep you busy for a long time to come!

OP I have not been in this position but after my mum died various vultures popped up to take advantage of my elderly dad. I did a lot of biting my tongue. There were many tears and rows. However I never went NC.
Good luck.

bambambaby - you must do what's best for you now; he has been incredibly cruel and I don't agree with PPs advising you to ignore the fact that he was bloody nasty to you in that phone call and that he's making no effort to see your DC even if he's pissed off with you.

You must protect yourself now - physically and mentally if you don't want to keep having panic attacks and sleepless nights over this. This is his choice, he has decided to focus on his GF and you are right to focus on your DH and DC. I'm so sorry you've been through this but you are not alone so you must see that you are not to blame here - it's very common as you will have seen from this thread and it happens to all sorts of people with all sorts of personalities and circumstances.

It is perfectly within the bounds of reasonableness for him to say that he wants to maintain contact with you and/or your DC but that the quantity and quality of your time together will never be the same until you accept his new partner as family... instead he ignored your birthday and basically told you to do one until you treat her as a mother and pissed on your mother's memory by saying he wished he'd met this new woman years ago. He's a disgrace.

Bambam he loves you too, but I bet he doesn't like you much either just now.

You need to realise his life isn't just about you. She is very important to him, she is his partner, his future, the one he spends everyday with and as an adult you cannot criticise her, tell him you don't like her and don't want anything to do with her and not expect him to react.

You don't need to like her, but you do need to respect your dad and his choice of partner, the same way you would expect him to respect yours if he didn't like them.

You really do seem intent on fanning the flames just now, maybe its time to just give each other some space. Then in the future if you can accept her, which you will have to do to be part of your dads life, then get back in touch to build those bridges.

You need to realise his life isn't just about you

I don't think the OP has ever given the impression that she thinks his life is or should be all about her.

I would have thought his own grandchildren are his future too.

I've been in a similar situation to this, well still am. DF is with a woman I loathe for lots of reasons but I still have a relationship with him separate from her.

We've even been at a party at the same time and just ignored each other.

I was only hurting myself when me and my DF were arguing about it, so I had to let it go, not for her sake but for my sanity.

It seems that DF isn't 'allowed' to contact me, so he only does it when he's not with her but I accept that. I don't respect it though, think he should grow some bollocks!

Love is blind. He needs to work it out for himself and realize she can't choose who he sees. He's in an abusive relationship but he needs to find his own strength. Keep an eye out and try to keep contact but realise he has made a choice that doesn't involve you sadly. When my Mum died, it was like I lost my Dad as well.

This is a really tricky one. But I'd play her at her own game. You know youve played into her hands. You are off the scene and not in her way. I'd tell your father fine you'll learn to live with her as he means more to you. See how long she lasts with you on the scene being nice to her - if only fake / in front of your dad. At least this way you can keep an eye on her. Sneaky but I have a similar situation and I regret rolling over and walking away so I'd handle it differently if I was in that situation again. Even if this is very two faced and uncomfortable. Good luck! Hopefully your dad will come to his senses.

RTFT people!

Yes, persevere, and fingers crossed that it has at least a semi happy ending for you and your DC's sake.