To stand my ground over my fathers new parter

[bambambaby]

My mother died late last year and my father met a new woman fairly quickly. Initially she seemed really nice and my dad was happy so I was happy for him - he's had a lot on his plate caring for my late mother as she was ill for years before she died. Soon it became apparent that she didn't really like me - I could tell, the undercurrent whenever I visited was of dislike and I was always answered with one word answers, little snide remarks etc and my dad was just oblivious to it all. She was also at my fathers house ALL the time, I was never able to visit without her there.

Despite this, all was plodding along ok but I started to notice a definite withdrawal from my father - our relationship was previously close with my mother being poorly as I supported him. He wouldnt answer his phone / reply to texts etc.

I spoke to him about this as he went many weeks without contact (I hung back to see if he would contact me as he'd not seen his GC's for many weeks) - it turns out his new partner doesn't like that he was texting and speaking to me most days and she told him that it was too much.

Naturally I told my dad that he should be really careful and that it wasnt right that she wanted my dad and I to lessen contact, I still dont know her very well and shes now moved in permanentlyand managed to remove every trace of my mother from the house. My father basically went off on one and told me to mind my own business (he has never spoken to me like this before and I suspect she was feeding him what to say in the background).

I told him I didnt like her and that I didnt want anything to do with her. He told me in that case I was out of his life and hes not spoken to me since. I am holding my ground as to be honest I dont see why I should back down - his parter is nothing to me and I shouldnt be forced to bother with her, especially as she is being horrible. This no contact is exactly what she wants I suspect.

I'm lost, dont want to back down as I feel so strongly about it but I miss my father.

I needed to speak to my dad regularly as it helped a lot as I was processing the loss of my mother.

I know he's your dad but he had just lost his wife, for whom he cared.

Maybe he couldn't shoulder all of the intensity from you.

Maybe he confided in his partner and she helped him realise that it's ok for him to have a bit of breathing space.

And as for him being on the phone at the party, maybe she really did need support. No doubt she supported him at times.

Maybe he couldn't shoulder all of the intensity from you

But don't families come together at times like this? It's not like someone would drain their DM or DF but just be there surely

No, it wasn't like that. I rang my dad most days, not constant intense stuff. I have my DH as my shoulder to cry on.

And as for the party it was quite obvious it was because she didn't like the fact my dad was there without her and with us and my mums family. The daughter miraculously improved the following day

This is super outing for me (waves to anyone who might know me !)

I'd suggest gently to your DF now that u want mums jewellery ( obvs not in a grabby way ,more of a you know mum would want me to have them (presuming u have no other sibs to consider) way iyswim . also anything else u consider sentimental .

Cautionary tale but when my DF died , the new wife (see previous post of mine ) said everything of his now belonged to her and I wasn't to ask as there was nothing of his he wanted me to have !

Fast forward 6 months my lovely Nanny ( mums mum)past away , as new wife has decided not to bury DF in mums grave as planned (whatever , couldnt be arsed to argue at the time )the family wanted to put her in with mum .....except new wife decided that as DM grave was in DF name it now belonged to her and she would decide if we could or not .......merry fucking hell descended after that and needless to say I now own the plot and my lovely ladies are now together for eternity .

It was all about control with her .

This is obviously a extreme case and I'm not suggesting for 1 minute this would happen , but then again I would never have believed anyone could have been so cruel if it hadn't happened to me .

Don't give up on ur dad , talk to him ,tell him ,make him see your point of view even if he doesn't agree with it , its such a shame ,I'm proper feeling for you , its so painful , I could actually cry for you (flowers and hug !)

I feel for you too OP. It just creeps up and before you know it, what is so precious to you suddenly is gone and there's no going back. But I'm biaised because of what my DH went through so maybe I shouldn't comment.

Please keep in contact with your DF. There was one time when in that awful short space of time when this woman took over and DFIL was not long away from the end of his life that he said "it's not the same as your Mother you know" but I think it had all crept up on him and he really was vulnerable with his illness, there was no going back..

To be honest until I wrote this thread I hadn't given any thought to the wider implications. Like I say I'm not interested in money, I would want my photos and perhaps my mums wedding and engagement rings although goodness knows where they are now. When mum died dad bought a double plot, of course if he marries this new woman all of this could change.

Thanks for your kind words. I had no idea it was so common, it's so incredibly sad and if anyone had ever suggested it could happen I'd have laughed.

But what I'm saying is you were calling every day because you decided it was fine because you needed him.

But maybe it was too much!

i used to call my dad every day just for chit chat nothing heavy

that doesnt happen anymore-hes too busy

This was just a call, most mornings, just to see if he was ok. It was a habit I'd done for the last 25 years, since I left home! I used to call to see how mum was, then after she passed away to check he was ok. Nothing heavy sometimes it would be a few minutes.
I would occasionally text during the day to tell him about the kids etc, sort plans for a visit etc, he used to be interested. Then he started not answering or being cagey about where he was. There was no need for it. I can't imagine ever being like it with my children.

From what bambam says she was just carrying on as normal. Her DF had lost his wife, she's hardly going to go quiet is she? Texting as she always does is normal surely...

I'm sorry Waltermitty but it's normal within a lot of families for adult children to be in daily contact with their parents, regardless of whether you think that's healthy or not. It's really not the place of outsiders to come breezing in and declaring that it's not allowed.

OP, I'm glad your aunt is keeping some of your family things for you, and you're still in touch with a neighbour who can keep an eye on your dad. Even if you tried to make nice with this vulture she would get rid of you eventually. I put up with my dad's girlfriend's bullying for five years until I realised that it wasn't worth the sacrifice of my mental health. You have to weigh up whether, given his dismissive treatment of you, it's worth letting such a toxic person into your life just to maintain contact with your dad. I would maybe get another family member to tell him that you're grieving the loss of both parents and they're worried about you, but bear in mind she has probably changed his mobile number by now.

bambambaby hang on in there, you have everything in your favour, you are family. I know you won't want to read this and I don't want to offend: but your father is probably having a full sexual relationship that he hasn't had for a long time. This is a very powerful weapon that this woman has, but it will pass.
She can't keep up that pretence for ever and when the 'honeymoon' ends, together with her young GC coming round, rowing with the neighbours, the rose tinted glasses will fall off. Just try and keep in touch anyway you can.
Play detective. Contact the neighbours that they fell out with. Find out if there's a time when she's not there, then call your dad, or knock on the door, just to let him know that your still thinking of him. He's going to need you.

Totso your will is fine.

Wife dies leaves her share of the estate to Dh on life interest trust.

Dh remarries. His will is revoked. Wifes will is not revoked as shes already died. Trust continues. First wife's share of their estate available to Dh but not new wife. He dies, first wife's share on Dh death goes back to first wife's kids under her will. Second wife gets Dh share of estate but not first wife's share.

Oh OP I do feel for you. From his perspective though, he's just found a bit of attention that he's not had in so long.

I agree though, she sounds like a witch but as they say keep your enemies closer. My FIL wasn't widowed but had OW and she rules the roost its clear. I can't get my head around why she's so much more important than his 3 sons but Im not him.

My DF died 3 months ago and I do want my mum to be happy again but not to the extent that someone else controls her life. so i really do feel for you.

"I want my Mum to be happy but not to the extent someone controls her life".

This is awful..... An adult child wanting to control a parent is no better than a new partner wanting to ......neither is a respectful attitude. Why can't the parent decide for themselves as they are an adult?

My Parents think I'm moving too fast in my new relationship would get the advice that an adult child is entitled and capable of deciding for themselves and parent needs to butt out and respect the posters decision.....yet apparently parents aren't entitled to the same respect ?

Why trafalgar? gin didn't say she wanted to control her mother's life. She said she didn't want someone to control her mother's life. I certainly wouldn't want to see a person I loved and cared about being used as someone else's puppet under the guise of love.

Why is it awful that I want my mum to be happy but to be controlled by a new partner? I never said I wanted to control her? I want her to make her own choices not be pushed around/controlled by ANYONE- me, my siblings or a new partner. In fact I've just spent the past 3 months helping her with my sibling who thought he could do just that. How fucking dare you just take a sentence and grow it arms and legs?

Thank you mummyoflittledragon you said it rather more articulately than me!!! In fact I've just spent 3 months helping my mum 'escape' from my sibling who thought as he's make he can now control her. Seriously!!!

I feel for you OP, I lost my mum suddenly when I was halfway through uni, and my DSD just gave me what was in her bank account (literally pennies).

DM had life insurance but DSD used that to pay off his mortgage. He gave my DSS her car, despite me needing one, and cleared out all my DM's stuff from the house within 2 weeks. He then got a new woman within a few months after quitting his job and she seemed to have an issue with my choice of career, so we've never really got on.

He gave away my DMs cat without telling me and then sold the family house.

Now I feel I'm completely alone since the family I was forced to join as a child are now drifting away when I want to feel part of them. I'm not really sure my DM would've been happy with the way it panned out either.

It' so hard to talk about this stuff too isn't it - but it also has to be done. I agree with PP saying just stay apart but with the door open, and I hope your DF comes to his senses soon. Above all look after yourself and it might be useful to get some counselling. You were the only child of your DM, meaning you had a unique relationship with her.

How sad, Albad.

Reading this makes me glad my parents created a trust with us, their two adult children. Their mutual wills leave everything to the trust so if one dies and the other finds himself or herself with a gold digger, they cannot just will everything to some Johnny/Joanie-Come-Lately. There are restrictions on how their wills can be altered, too, and how the trust can be altered, no adding on some blow-in without the permission of the rest of us, which won't be happening whilst I draw breath.

This is in part because they both saw this exact scenario happening all too often, particularly when the wife dies first.

I feel for you. When my dad left my mum for another woman she spent a long time trying to alienate us. For a while we plated into her hands but after a while we stopped playing the game. Now we speak to.our dad about superficial stuff and don't engage with the silliness. It's hard andrive it's sad but he's the oneis ding out on a relationship with his amazing grandchildren. Also consider - by not forcing him to make a choice you leave a door open for when it all goes wrong. By being black and white his pride may get in the way of coming back to you.

It bloody hurts though when a parent actively chooses a course of action like this.

I could have posted this. Step witch was sweetness and light before wedding, soon after she stopped talking to me, my baby, hubby and granny. Compulsive liar and hates the fact my dad has kids and grandkids. God I hate her!
Why do men feel so desperate to be in a relationship?!?

I haven't had time to read all the responses but I wouldn't stand your ground. However awful she is, and however besotted he is at the moment, you and your dad have important family history and love and the GCs. I would do what you can to make amends. It might mean spitting bile about the woman as soon as you leave his company but is a price worth paying.

Why do I say this? A) have seen similar with a friend's parent. If it does all go wrong he needs you. B) life is short, as you know more than me and some contact with him is better than none, C) my experience of family rifts (observed, not participated) is that the more people decide to stand their ground or hold a principle the more entrenched things become, years pass and at some point become unrecoverable with sadness on both sides.

Agreed
The OP has issued an ultimatum ......and .....lost ........so she has two choices apologise and hope to get at least a partial relationship back and work at healing the rift over time or go NC and be "right" but not have her Dad in her life.

Never make threats you aren't prepared to see through .....it can bite you badly on the bum