To stand my ground over my fathers new parter

[bambambaby]

My mother died late last year and my father met a new woman fairly quickly. Initially she seemed really nice and my dad was happy so I was happy for him - he's had a lot on his plate caring for my late mother as she was ill for years before she died. Soon it became apparent that she didn't really like me - I could tell, the undercurrent whenever I visited was of dislike and I was always answered with one word answers, little snide remarks etc and my dad was just oblivious to it all. She was also at my fathers house ALL the time, I was never able to visit without her there.

Despite this, all was plodding along ok but I started to notice a definite withdrawal from my father - our relationship was previously close with my mother being poorly as I supported him. He wouldnt answer his phone / reply to texts etc.

I spoke to him about this as he went many weeks without contact (I hung back to see if he would contact me as he'd not seen his GC's for many weeks) - it turns out his new partner doesn't like that he was texting and speaking to me most days and she told him that it was too much.

Naturally I told my dad that he should be really careful and that it wasnt right that she wanted my dad and I to lessen contact, I still dont know her very well and shes now moved in permanentlyand managed to remove every trace of my mother from the house. My father basically went off on one and told me to mind my own business (he has never spoken to me like this before and I suspect she was feeding him what to say in the background).

I told him I didnt like her and that I didnt want anything to do with her. He told me in that case I was out of his life and hes not spoken to me since. I am holding my ground as to be honest I dont see why I should back down - his parter is nothing to me and I shouldnt be forced to bother with her, especially as she is being horrible. This no contact is exactly what she wants I suspect.

I'm lost, dont want to back down as I feel so strongly about it but I miss my father.

Go round. Just go.

He's your dad, this woman has fucked things up, but he's still your dad.

I told him I wanted a relationship with him but I didnt want anything to do with her.

This wasn't good enough apparently as they come as a 'package' and his words to me were 'if you won't have anything to do with her then I won;t have anything to do with you'.

My dad was the same.

Mine did love me unconditionally but in the here and now, sex mattered more (and believe me I really don't like typing that in the context of my dad - sorry OP!)

I don't want him to chose between me or her - he is welcome to her. I just don't want to bother with her myself. It's not allowed though, I am meant to worship her like he does.

You've planted him firmly in the middle. And people don't like being made to choose

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

You have now lost your dad and for what? To be right? Is it worth it?

Sounds like a bit of a gold digger.

If they marry and (God forbid) your father dies, would any money that would have gone to you, then automatically go to her instead?

I'm not sure how these things work.

I'm always a bit suspicious of these women who suddenly 'appear' like vultures as soon as a man becomes a widow.
What are their real motives?

You sound really jealous, which I'm sure you're not but that's the angle she'll play.

I'm sorry for you, OP (and your father). Your bereavement is still very recent and there is a lot of pain around.

Your DF's GF certainly sounds like a piece of work. However, this is your DF's way of coping and there isn't much you can do to stop that, I'm afraid.

This GF, awful though she sounds, is likely all that lies between your DF and having to face the full onslaught of his grief for your mother.

I can't imagine how difficult it was for you all and your DF nursing your mother for years before she died. It must have been soul-destroying. This is likely your DF's way of putting the pain behind him (not your mother, though it may seem like that), but the pain of it all.

Anyway, if this GF is as predatory as she sounds, she will have noted his vulnerability and steamrollered in, as these types do.

As PPs have said, don't play into her hands this way. It's tremendously difficult not to - of course you're protective on your DF's behalf - but you must keep the pleasant contact up. It's the only way you can be there for your DF right now. I suspect this GF senses you are wise to her and feels threatened by that. Much better for her if you are out of the picture!

You have my sympathies. What a horrible situation when you are still grieving for your mother.

Sorry for your loss OP. This is awful and I've heard of this a few times. The phrase 'widows mourn, widowers replace' is so true .. and it seems too soon. You don't want to be cut out of his life entirely and he's being led by this woman who has dazzled him. I hope you can find a compromise. God forbid, do you think this woman is only after him for his house/money? If he's lucky she may only break his heart.

Does your father have any siblings that you are close to? (others have asked this but I can't tell if you've answered) Do you have any siblings?

Sorry for your loss bambambaby

I think lots of people on here are right, the more you push her away the more she wins.

You have forced him to choose and now you don't like his choice - that was a silly risk to take quite honestly. You have your life with your kids and dh and your dad has nothing for himself since your mum died. She is taking advantage of his loneliness but by alienating him you now have no way to keep a check on her behaviour.

I would grovel big time - blame grief over your mum, feeling like he had forgotten her etc etc blame yourself and apologise to them both. Make a sickening effort and ensure that you are whiter than white. He may eventually wake up to her or he might not but you have lost both your parents right now. Is this really worth losing your dad over?

The pp who said play the long game was right I think.
Go to his house when she is there and talk to both of them. Give an Oscar worthy performance. Play her at her own game. Apologise ( with fingers crossed obvs) and ask can you all start again. But always stay one step ahead of her.

You can stand your ground or you can have a relationship with your DF. That's your choice but, tbh, you can't blame your DF or his gf for how you choose.
I'm not defending his gf but either your relationship with your DF is important to you or it isn't. You gave him an ultimatum and he reacted badly to it. tbh I don't know anyone who responds well to ultimatums.
Invite him round for lunch. Increase your RL contact with him rather than texts that his gf can monitor or type. Life is too short.
I'm sure you have friends that have partners you dislike. Manage the gf the same way as you would manage those relationships. Polite but distant. And don't criticise her to your DF.

I don't know what to suggest to be honest, if you want a relationship with him then I'm afraid you'll have to put up with her. But, as things have deteriorated I honestly don't even know how you would get to that point You really have my sympathy

From my experience, from the moment my dad (widowed) got a girlfriend I never saw him alone again. Luckily for me, he is now with his second girlfriend who is much nicer than the first one.

When FIL (divorced) met his current girlfriend (10 years +) one of the first things she did was get him to ban his adult children from texting him on a weekend as it was 'her time'. She has successfully destroyed DH's relationship with him (of course, he could've said 'no' so it's not entirely down to her by any means). I remember one xmas, he couldn't possibly visit us to exchange presents but managed to drive right past our house to visit her daughter. It sucks it really does.

Would you rather he was alone though, while you get on with your own life? Or would you prefer to vet every woman he meets to make sure you approve?

I'm not trying to be horrible, but there are different versions of the same story.

This is sadly such a familiar story - look at Baron Hardup's behaviour to Cinderella!

My own aunt did this: she met a man who'd been widowed three months previously and moved in straightaway and they married soon afterwards. My aunt never let his son who was at university come home again and when the man died two years later my aunt got the lot. And it was a lot. Disgraceful. (Yet still my mother wouldn't hear a word against her .)

From a different perspective, I've been the second wife and I'm widowed.

I've found that Adult children can have an issue when their previously close Parents, want a life that doesn't involve them and it brings in new people.

I'm always livid when I want to try new things, or when I got back in touch with wider family and my eldest DD tries to use emotional blackmail, to try to get me to behave how she wants me to.

Also, as long as I'm not in danger, how I conduct my relationships are none of her concern. I could argue that even if I was putting myself at risk, I've the right to do so, as an Adult.

If a MIL was doing what you were, the OP would be told to go NC.

Your Gather may enjoy his new Grandchildren, we change as we age, or rather, we can change at any time.

Perhaps he likes taking a back role in the relationship, he's been a Carer (as I was), he's been through a rollercoaster.

The only wrong thing that's happened is that you wasn't offered to come and clean out the house and take whatever you wanted, or were you, did you ever offer?

Go to his house when she is there and talk to both of them. Give an Oscar worthy performance. Play her at her own game. Apologise ( with fingers crossed obvs) and ask can you all start again.

Yes do this.
And at the end of the grovelling, give her a little knowing 'smile' that only she sees - . Just so's she knows that you've got her measure and you're watching her.

She will tell your DF after you leave, but he won't believe her.

So sorry for the loss of you mum, I lost my dad 2 years ago and know the pain of losing a much loved parent. Your relationship with your dad changing so quickly after that loss must be so hard.

Your dad has a new partner and is trying to build a new life for himself after losing his wife. I don't want to be mean, but you are an adult and as such need to accept you are not the most important thing in his world now.

It should have been natural your relationship needed to change when she came on the scene and it sounds like you wanted everything to stay the way it was and have not been able to adapt, instead you have thrown your toys out of the pram.

Not liking her is not unreasonable. Telling you dad you don't like her and don't what anything to do with her was too extreme. If you want to have a relationship with your dad, and you need to accept it wont be as close as before when you were both caring for your mum, you have a lot of bridges to build.

Another vote for playing the long game he's your dad and probably believed your love was unconditional too. Sadly you've played right into her hands and put a condition on your love for him, her or you and he's picked her. You need to apologise, as galling as it is. wheresthelight has nailed it. It's not about right or wrong it's about your relationship with your ddad. If one of my adored and deeply loved grown up dc said it's me or him 're my dh I would have to pick him.

This problem is as old as time. You both want to be his Number One which puts him in an impossible situation. You clearly can't have him without her and if one of my children did this to me I'd be pretty upset, too.

She's making him happy, maybe for the first time in years. Yes, she's trying to assert herself but that is normal, too. Can't you be the one who swallows your pride, apologises and starts to rebuild a new relationship? I would because I love my DF which you do, too.

I think this can be turned around but you have to initiate it.

My own aunt did this: she met a man who'd been widowed three months previously and moved in straightaway and they married soon afterwards. My aunt never let his son who was at university come home again and when the man died two years later my aunt got the lot. And it was a lot. Disgraceful. (Yet still my mother wouldn't hear a word against her angry .)

It's the swiftness of how people like this get their feet under the table, that beggars belief.
I've known women who will hang around the man even before the wife has died!
It's cleverly disguised as 'offers of help' but as soon as he's widowed, they step up the offers of help, until they're round their nearly all the time.
The rest is easy.

My DD also went through a phase of 'oh you can give them time' etc, it was exhausting.

One relative that I WS back in touch with that she had a problem with (another woman around her age), has now moved. I don't see my DD any more that I did.

It's like she wants me to sit in the house, on my own, waiting for her to decide when she sees me. So I (like your Dad) have got angry and got to a point where I just shut her down.

Poster are told constantly 'not to pander to Parental tantrums', especially over Christmas etc, why do Parents have to pander to Adult children?

round there.

Big hugs, OP, it sounds like such a tricky situation. Must say, I don't like the sound of your dad - what kind of father would cut his win child off on his new partner's say-so? And ignore your birthday?

Very sad for you, op.