To stand my ground over my fathers new parter

[bambambaby]

My mother died late last year and my father met a new woman fairly quickly. Initially she seemed really nice and my dad was happy so I was happy for him - he's had a lot on his plate caring for my late mother as she was ill for years before she died. Soon it became apparent that she didn't really like me - I could tell, the undercurrent whenever I visited was of dislike and I was always answered with one word answers, little snide remarks etc and my dad was just oblivious to it all. She was also at my fathers house ALL the time, I was never able to visit without her there.

Despite this, all was plodding along ok but I started to notice a definite withdrawal from my father - our relationship was previously close with my mother being poorly as I supported him. He wouldnt answer his phone / reply to texts etc.

I spoke to him about this as he went many weeks without contact (I hung back to see if he would contact me as he'd not seen his GC's for many weeks) - it turns out his new partner doesn't like that he was texting and speaking to me most days and she told him that it was too much.

Naturally I told my dad that he should be really careful and that it wasnt right that she wanted my dad and I to lessen contact, I still dont know her very well and shes now moved in permanentlyand managed to remove every trace of my mother from the house. My father basically went off on one and told me to mind my own business (he has never spoken to me like this before and I suspect she was feeding him what to say in the background).

I told him I didnt like her and that I didnt want anything to do with her. He told me in that case I was out of his life and hes not spoken to me since. I am holding my ground as to be honest I dont see why I should back down - his parter is nothing to me and I shouldnt be forced to bother with her, especially as she is being horrible. This no contact is exactly what she wants I suspect.

I'm lost, dont want to back down as I feel so strongly about it but I miss my father.

My advice:

I would invite them somewhere. Not your turf or theirs, but somewhere in between. Tell your dad you'd like to clear the air (don't take my words wrong here, I don't mean "give in" , because if this woman is as controlling as you deem her to be then she's poison!) if they agree to meet lay all your cards on the table. Tell her in an adult fashion that you're not keen on her. However, you understand that it's your fathers life and he has a right to be with her irrespective of your opinions. Tell him you'd like everyone involved to try be a bit more grown up about everything and salvage a relationship with your dad and his grandkids. Offer some leeway. Tell him you'll not voice your opinions on his partner if they're deemed negative. Ask for leeway in return. Ask his partner, woman to woman, to step into your shoes. Your mother was part of the house she now lives in, and building a wall between your dad and you won't make that part of his life nonexistent . She has no right to be territorial over him where you are concerned. If everyone involved can put their differences aside and be adult about the whole thing, then you may be able to salvage a relationship with your dad. I honestly sympathise with you as I've had a similar situation with my dad. But take the high road, I urge you . Your dad isn't getting any younger and I promise no matter how spiteful this woman is or how pig headed your dad may decide to be, one thing you'll never regret is ring the one that tried to smooth things over. X

I think you need to talk..not phone or text..too easy for those communications to be mis interpreted. Call by. Meet for a drink or a movie or to take books to the library.Call up and offer a lift, or help with tip run or garden.Talk only about happy memories. Start with small short visits away from home..things you would have done before. Tell your pop you love him and miss him. Dont bitch about his partner ( ever) or give her head room..by hanging onto the anger you feel over her . you and he are suffering. You are currently enabling her to 'soothe' his anguish over your 'unreasonable behaviour'...if she is scheming...you are playing right into her hands. You need to let the anger go and be the nicest kindest dutiful child your dp could wish for. Ask for nothing and give everything. Try not to get involved with her..or argue with her. It might kill you to do this...but it will help repair your relationship with him which is what you want. Pride and anger wont help here..patience and kindness will. And keep going..initially there may be suspicion over your change of heart..but you just need to keep reminding him how much you miss him..and having lost mum you've realised you dont want to loose him either. Tell him you dont want to get involved in his relationship with her..that's his business ( and mean it)
You can improve your relationship if you step away from 'not backing down' and churning old injustices over in your mind ..let those toxic emotions leave..and cherish new contacts.

It will be hard. Rebuilding trust is. But it can be done if you really want it. You could start by 'bumping' into him at supermarket or corner shop..tiny contacts..it all helps. Good luck. He's clearly worth the effort to you. Every positive contact with you weakens her arguments against you that you 'are stubborn and inflexible and a terrible person'. She may have poor relationships with her own children or family..may not have those sharing skills.in time you will get to know her games and strategies. Keep your relationship with him positive. Keep sending birthday cards or allotment produce or other small inexpensive items..a favourite dvd or book you found which you know he loves.

Good luck.

Wow dansmum, what superb advice and so beautifully written.

I think we need to be conscious of the fact that the OP is grieving the loss of two parents right now and not expect her to just ignore how badly her dad is treating her (remember he's just totally ignored her birthday) - the kindly-worded letter and the the advice of sending regular thoughtful/poignant gifts are good advice I think but ONLY if the OP feels it will make her and her DC's life better, not worse; relentlessly pursuing a relationship with someone you love who has made it clear you are not very high on their priorities can be a lot more hurtful than anything else.

That is great advice. Your situation is eerily similar to my own. My mum died when I was in my teens, my Dad was engaged within a year. I haven't spent anytime alone with him in 21 years. This is more hurtful to my brother in reality who would like to do boys stuff with his father but isn't allowed. I tried to meet him on his own before Christmas to try and clear the air, but he refused to see me without his wife. I haven't spoken to him since. I didn't mean for the feud to go on for this long, but the longer it gets the harder it is to mend it. So really I just want to say, I know what you are going through and the advice about rising above it all is good. (And advice I should myself take but I am too stubborn to do so!) good luck OP.

This happened to me. Those fairy tales about wicked step-mothers and weak men (Cinderella, Snow White, Hansel and Gretal) are a realistic representation of my experience. These days I find it all very amusing and I am glad not to have to tolerate my DF or SM

I'm so sorry, that's an absolutely dreadful situation I think your dad is obviously lost at the moment and doesn't know what he's doing. I think you should stand your ground but somehow try and keep the lines of communication open. Perhaps you could write him a letter. Give him some space and time. This woman sounds dreadful and it sounds like she's taken advantage of your father when he's at his weakest. Hopefully he will find this out himself but you can't make him. Try to remember he is probably still grieving deeply and people act out of character in times like this. I hope you manage to sort it out. I'm sure he loves you very much. All the best x

YANBU. I feel very sorry for you OP, you must feel very, understandably, hurt. Your dad doesn't deserve you if this is how he is going to behave.

My MIL was a bit like this. She was with her 2nd DH before her first died. After they married she moved into his house and made it very clear her children and his came second to their marriage and their little bubble. Her DH had a good relationship with his children and one was under 18 and he used to take him out and MIL used to moan about it, saying he was too old to be going out with his dad. She didn't like seeing her own children unless her DH was at work and she had nothing to do. Her step children didn't like her and I could see exactly why, she was very sniffy about them and it was obvious to me that she didn't like them so they must have known too. She didn't like his perfectly nice family either, wanted all to be just the 2 of them with a few others on the sides now and again.

When they split up, she suddenly wants to see people more and wants to be more involved. Too little too late in my eyes. She made her priorities clear years ago. If they were still together she wouldn't be so bothered about us.

Sometimes people show you who they are. When they do I never forget that. Sadly your dad is showing you that you aren't a priority in his life. If he is willing to put some woman ahead of his own daughter, I'd find that very very difficult to get past or forgive.

Offer to meet in neutral ground, a tea shop/park/museum. Tell him you love and care for him and that you respect his decisions about his new life. But also emphasise that you miss your mother and your relationship with him. You are still his daughter and need him in your life, and your children's. If you have to see his new partner, be pleasant.
It's a fight that make no one happy.

I could of posted this but I played it differently. I killed her with kindness. My dad's still massively changed and actually has very little interest in seeing the kids or us anymore. He literally was at mine or my brothers every single night previously.

I understand he was lonely and it's good he's not now but feels a bit shit he's with her family and kids all the time and no interest in seeing us unless I initiate it. He's changed so much, he isn't who he use to be, iv accepted that. Iv also gone up to 17 days not contacting him before caving.

I don't want him out my life completely though so I remain nice to her (brother doesnt).

How awful for you after losing your mum fairly recently. I don't know what to suggest other than maybe writing your feelings down in a letter; if you want to, send it to your dad, if you don't, stick it in a drawer.

I feel for you, OP. My parents are still healthy but I have had friends whose mothers have died and, within months, the father is in a serious relationship. If their father has died, the situation is always very different.
With regard to the birthday card, would it have occurred to your father to do this? Were these sorts of things previously organised by your mother? If so, him forgetting your birthday may have been pure forgetfulness or ignorance rather than an example of him being under the influence of the new woman.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My folks are divorced rather than having lost my mum so my circumstances are not the same but stepmother's main aim in life is to drive a huge wedge between my dad and his adult children. She was all sweetness and light until she had a ring on her finger then her friendliness and willingness to take part in things went straight out of the window. When she screamed in my face (whilst I was pregnant) about how I was a terrible, ungrateful person my poor dad tried to keep the peace and didn't take sides. I wrote her a note of apology (which I didn't mean but I didn't want to lose my dad and I know that if I had walked away she would be rubbing her hands with glee). She still barely speaks to me and I don't see much of my dad but I'll be damned if a money grabbing, gold digging little madame will stop my dad from having a relationship with his children and grandchildren. I'm sad that we aren't as close as we once were but I will not let her win.
Unless you are happy to lose your dad contact him- say sorry (I chose my words very carefully so I apologised for her being upset but not for the supposed slight to stepmother) let him know that channels are open and that you are happy that he is happy. It may be a flash in the pan or this woman may be around for the rest of his life either way you could lose your dad because of her.

My mum did this when my dad died when I was 12... Only much worse as he liked children too much (and she stuck by him). It all depends on how bad your dads behaving. If it's just he's sticking by his wife you might have to bow down and rise above it is you want a relationship. Without knowing how bad he's being its hard to say.

Sorry for your loss though op

justnotaballetmum "It's exclusive to people who have lost their mums, usually."... Really?

Rose I agree that to say it is exclusively to people who have lost their mums is completely inaccurate.

I can think of at least four women who either remarried or started another serious relationship within 12 months of being widowed.

I think with people who are widowed later in life there is a tendency for men to be more likely to remarry as on average women outlive men, so there are more widows than widowers knocking around.

My mum always said to me ;
"Darling - there is nothing more disarming than a smile "
Now I truly believe this - xxxx get Intouch with your dad and go and see him with your kids ( they are a fabulous ice breaker ) . Keep your contact with YOUR DAD - the new woman is never going to mean as much to him as your mum did BUT men are weak and he needs someone - you cannot let her shove you out after all you and your dad have been through . Does he have money ? Is that her game do you think ? My husband was well and truly shafted by his step mum - she made it impossible for him to see his dad , it was heartbreaking . I hope you resolve it , personally I would tolerate her and so long as your being "nice " she will have to go to larger longer lengths to make you look bad - and she's more likely to show her self up ( give her enough rope so to speak ) X there is nothing more disarming than a smile like I've said at the beginning . What would your mum suggest you do ? XXXX

Your mother only died late last year and your father expected her greiving sister to entertain the new woman?!

That is appallingly selfish behaviour from him.

Op this must be gut wrenching for you. I think she sounds completely cruel and awful. However I do agree with pp that if you try to remain in his life with patience and politeness you will be able to salvage a relationship for you and your dc. I think a letter to say you will always love him, you are grieving for your mother but would like to start again to get to know her as his new partner would go a long way to help. That means that as her true colours are revealed and things unravel then you will be someone he can turn to. I would also strongly suggest some counselling for you as it is a double loss of your parents - hard at any age.

I can't help but deeply judge men (and women) who do the things described on this thread. Yeah, there is grieving. But after years and you still refuse to see your DC/stand up for them/allow stepparent to treat them like crap/prioritise step grandkids/etc. Seen this in real life and honestly I think it's a real eye opener to how selfish the person really is.

My father met stepmother 6 months after DM died. He lived a long way away and I didn't know he was seeing her until he called and said 'You know I was good to your mum, but now I've met someone else, and would you like to have a word with her' and then put her on the phone.

After that, I didn't see him alone, she was always there. She succeeded in persuading my father to cut off contact with my brother, who had mental health issues, and who took his own life not long afterwards (he was very close to my mum).

She didn't like me, was jealous of me and that I had a very good relationship with my dad. At its worst, she tried to stop me going to her wedding but my father realised then that she was jealous and, to his credit, he said if I didn't go, there wouldn't be a wedding.

We did fall out at one stage and had no contact for about 10 days, but I swallowed my pride and we made up. My DH thought I should leave him to stew for a while, but I was terrified he might die when we were on bad terms. We remained on very good terms and he saw my DC.

If it had been left to stepmother, she would have preferred to see nobody, even her own 3 DC, 2 of whom who went non contact with her after she left their father (just walked out, didn't leave a note). It was just her and my father against the world. Until he died, then she found someone else 6 months later who moved in with her.

So I agree with all those posters who say keep the contact.

I would be inclined to attempt to maintain contact; text him about once a week with bland information about you and your family, nothing likely to provoke; invite him to come over and see his grandchildren and make no reference, negative or otherwise, to his companion; if he should contact you put no pressure on him at all about her. It would be a terrible thing to lose contact with your father for ever; you have to act the adult here as he is the one acting foolishly and will live to regret it. At the moment he's bewitched, bothered and bewildered; her behaviour is dreadful but this is about you and your father.

Only read half the thread, so sorry if I'm treading old ground, but I don't think it can be overstated how much grief shapes our emotional responses to everything else.

As someone who recently lost a parent, I took a lot if my anger out on my brother, and he on me. We're ok now, but only because we realised what was behind our anger.

My advice (for what it's worth) would be: don't burn your bridges with your Dad, give him and yourself time. Both of your responses are coloured by grief.

Sorry for your loss x

Thanks all for your kind words.

I read through all the replies and last night phoned him. He was cold and hard and asked was I phoning to cause trouble before they went away on holiday? (I didn't know they had booked a holiday, travelling tomorrow)

I broke down and said I missed him and was so sad at how things had panned out. I told him i was still grieving mum and how I found it hard to accept he'd just moved on and installed this woman in his life and expected us all to accept her calling the shots. This didn't appear to move him at all, he told me I was not to interfere and if she wanted it this way (the low contact between me and him) then she was entitled to assert herself in their relationship, that they had no secrets form one another etc.

He kept saying how happy he was and that he'd wished he'd met her years ago. As a parting shot he said they were thinking of selling his house and buying a place between them as she didn't feel like the house was 'hers'.

I told him none of that matterered to me and this isn't and wasn't about money but he kept trying to make out I was only interested in the fact I might lose out financially.

I left conversation saying that I loved him and the ball was in his court now regarding contact. I did say that nothing had changed regarding my feeling for the woman but I was prepared to be an adult about it and accept that she mattered to him. He left it saying nothing had changed then (if I didn't accept her as 'family') so as far as he is concerned unless I back down and treat her as family and like her and be nice to to her then he doesn't want to bother at all.

He's lost the plot, I'm sure he wants her to replace my mother to the point I have to treat her like a stepmother too! He just couldn't seem to see that she is nothing to me? She's HIS partner not my mother. I'm just angry now actually, I think he's a big part of the problem, not just her.

your father sounds like a selfish cunt. He went out of his way to hurt you in the phone call, he's not cowed he's delusional. You're 100% right he's part of the problem, though personally i'd say the majority of the blame lies at his feet, not hers. How dare he say he 'wishes he met her years ago?' Your mother just died! He only said that to be cruel.

I'm going to C+P my previous post, because I think it is very relevant to your personal situation.

I can't help but deeply judge men (and women) who do the things described on this thread. Yeah, there is grieving. But after years and you still refuse to see your DC/stand up for them/allow stepparent to treat them like crap/prioritise step grandkids/etc. Seen this in real life and honestly I think it's a real eye opener to how selfish the person really is.

You did the right thing. You didn't rise to his bait, you were firm in saying you loved him and are here for him. He basically told you that this woman is your new mummy! If you were a child, people would go ballistic.

Balls in his court now, as you say. I can't imagine how deeply this hurts, I'm so sorry

Fuck him.

I can only imagine the pain you are in right now, he sounds fucking horrible and there is no excuse for it

You handled that call really well, but sadly he has shown you where you stand.

Much love to you, what a kick in the teeth for you and you don't deserve it