To stand my ground over my fathers new parter

[bambambaby]

My mother died late last year and my father met a new woman fairly quickly. Initially she seemed really nice and my dad was happy so I was happy for him - he's had a lot on his plate caring for my late mother as she was ill for years before she died. Soon it became apparent that she didn't really like me - I could tell, the undercurrent whenever I visited was of dislike and I was always answered with one word answers, little snide remarks etc and my dad was just oblivious to it all. She was also at my fathers house ALL the time, I was never able to visit without her there.

Despite this, all was plodding along ok but I started to notice a definite withdrawal from my father - our relationship was previously close with my mother being poorly as I supported him. He wouldnt answer his phone / reply to texts etc.

I spoke to him about this as he went many weeks without contact (I hung back to see if he would contact me as he'd not seen his GC's for many weeks) - it turns out his new partner doesn't like that he was texting and speaking to me most days and she told him that it was too much.

Naturally I told my dad that he should be really careful and that it wasnt right that she wanted my dad and I to lessen contact, I still dont know her very well and shes now moved in permanentlyand managed to remove every trace of my mother from the house. My father basically went off on one and told me to mind my own business (he has never spoken to me like this before and I suspect she was feeding him what to say in the background).

I told him I didnt like her and that I didnt want anything to do with her. He told me in that case I was out of his life and hes not spoken to me since. I am holding my ground as to be honest I dont see why I should back down - his parter is nothing to me and I shouldnt be forced to bother with her, especially as she is being horrible. This no contact is exactly what she wants I suspect.

I'm lost, dont want to back down as I feel so strongly about it but I miss my father.

If my OH had made the decision we'd have got together very quickly after the death of his wife and my dear friend .

If you were that much of a friend to her, surely the right thing to do, upon knowing there was an attraction to her husband, would have been to keep away from her husband?
Especially if you knew he had feelings for you also?

The two of you wouldn't have suddenly 'developed' feelings the day after his wife died, surely.
It's as if you're trying to convince yourself that what you both did was right.
Maybe it was.
Still, I wonder what your friend (his wife) thought of it all. She must have sensed a closeness between you.

Jam I was thinking the same thing...

I felt a bit mean typing that.

But,I find the whole idea of two people getting together after nursing someone who is supposedly a 'dear friend' a bit distasteful.
It's as if they're carrying on a secret relationship under the ill person's nose and are just biding their time until they can bring it out into the open.

It happens such a lot though.

Jam. We weren't close before she died, she was my good friend and he and I were friends by extension (your mucky mind read more into my post I guess). What would she think ? Honestly I think she'd approve because I make him happy and she wasn't one of those women who enjoyed seeing other people unhappy. She wasn't bitter or screwed up ,she was lovely.

I really can only see where you are coming from if you are one of those people who believe men and women can't be friends without another agenda. I don't think that way. When you have to call a man to say you've just called an ambulance for his wife again ......or he rings you to ask you if you want to come and say goodbye before life support is turned off ....attraction or a future relationship is the last thing on your mind (well it was mine , I don't know about yours we clearly don't think the same way)

Sorry, trafalgargal. Guess I was projecting.
It sounds as if you're situation was different.

I had a very good friend who died. Her husband got together with a woman within days of the funeral and it turned out they had been having an affair for most of the time my friend was ill. (roughly two years in total)
The OW was a next door neighbour who decided to offer her 'help' on a daily basis and they ended up becoming too close.

It still makes me angry that they were more than likely carrying on while my friend was ill, right under her nose.
Men can be so weak and thoughtless.

Guess I was projecting.

your

Like I said I'm sure there were people just like you that made assumptions like feeling attracted before she died ....I can't help what people imagine happened though. Some people's heads are very strange places and they make up all sorts of crap in them.

But in the case of my friend they weren't assumptions.
Obviously in your case it was all above board.

like my parents next door neighbours would fit the template described above and would have inevitably be described by some in pejorative terms 'gold digger' 'randy old fool' and the such. I certainly thought that way, but I was wrong.

Both had spent the best part of a decade, nursing their partners through long and distressing illnesses. In one case their spouse had Alzheimer's disease and the person they'd married had 'gone' many years before they'd died. It is very easy from the outside to sit in judgement at what looks like indecent haste, but why begrudge two people who've been denied a romantic and mutually supportive relationship a chance at happiness?

op - what do you want to achieve longer term???

TBH I would write a very very carefully worded card/letter "apologising" for causing offence to them both how you were taken a back at how quickly it all happened and on reflection you realise that you are still grieving which is separate to him moving on with his life. I would say how much you miss spending time with your Dad and asking him to meet for coffee or similar (with the DC too) for a catch up.

At the end of the day criticising him and his new partner was never going to end well and far better to have some sort of contact for when it goes tits up is far better then losing the relationship altogether IMHO.

Yes I think the new woman is mean and calculating and it's horrible how she is treating you and your Dad and DC but the sweeter, nicer and more reasonable you are the more chance your Dad will see her for what she is and end it. I wouldn't be going around etc but speaking to him at least once a week and hopefully meeting up for coffee could work.

so sorry about your Mum and for how hurtful this has all been.

It sounds like a rebound relationship -he might tire of her. The little grandkids may prove irksome after a while. Bide your time.

similar has hapened on my family-mum died few months later dad move din his new partner
she started wearing mums clothes which was apprently ok with my dad my sister went ballistic and cut contact

hes never met his gc-she has offerered but only if its him and like you df op he says only if we can se them together which she refuses

i do see him as i want keep contact but as in your situation its never been the same since and we were very close

i feel i lost both parents really when my mum died

all i can say is its up to u-if u want to see him bite your tongue theres nothing that will change his mind trust me

She will have him up the aisle shortly. It happened to my DHs mother. His twunt stepfather rushed a marriage through. Now he has her house (he came to the marriage almost penniless) and when she dies we are under no illusions his family will get the proceeds.

I know a woman who died of cancer who at the last minute insisted on having a solicitor come to her bedside to clarify her will. Her young adult DC tried to tell her not to worry about stuff like that, it didn't matter at this of all times... but she was adamant and changed her will so that her half of the family home went to her DC not her DH. The DC were a bit baffled but just respected her wishes and wanted to get back to spending their last moments with their DM.

DF moved in female family friend who had been 'helping out' within two months. The DC really hadn't seen it coming at all (and were horribly hurt by the speed of it all and went NC with their DF), subsequently realising their DM had clearly sensed something and had wanted to take care of them.

DF also asked them a year or so later to sign it back to him as he had responsibility for new partner if something happened to him, even though their DM couldn't have spelled out her intentions any more clearly!

I too had been thinking carefully-worded letter to DF along the lines of RandomMess' suggestion.

I am sorry to hear OP. I have nothing constructive to say as you can not win in this situation. My dad is just the same, but now with his third wife. It is very hard, and It will not resolve if he is not with a Kind Woman with her head in the right place. You have my sympathy!

I think all the talk about Oscar winning performances and 'knowing smiles' would make you no better than her. And unless you genuinely are an Oscar worthy actress (unlikley) then unlikely to be successful.

I would try and maintain contact with your dad though. He probably doesn still love you. Unconditional love doesn't mean doing what the person you love wants you to do.

Sorry, I mean does still love you!

I'll throw in another Dr Phil nugget: "How's that workin' for ya?".

Answer: It's not.

As hard as it is, you need to realize you're putting your dad in a more vulnerable position. Men tend to get their backs up (as you've seen). The problem is that they keep them up longer. At this point even if your dad were to wake up and think "What the fuck have I gotten myself into?" it's highly unlikely that he'll call you and ask for your help. You don't want a situation where it wants out of that relationship but stays because he feels he has nothing or no one else but her. Or where he becomes unable to leave/break it off due to dementia or other illness although chances are she'll dump him if he ever needs a caretaker. If he has enough money, she may stay but neglect him. You want to be in a position to 'monitor' things, even if you have to bite your lips to keep your mouth shut.

In situations like this it's hard, but try to find some middle ground. I pretty much agree with Random's suggestion of an apology (through gritted teeth). Then try to maintain contact from a bit of a distance. It won't be easy, but if you play your cards right, unfailingly polite with wide-eyed hurt in the face of her criticisms or attempts to separate you, you may be in a position to open his eyes.

Question: are you an only child? If not, what do your siblings (or for that matter, your DF's own siblings) say?

Yes I think you were projecting a bit definitely no affair or lusting from afar . Not my style at all 😃

expat I do think my FIL was vulnerable as opposed to chasing skirt though. Some bereaved elderly people are vulnerable if they are targeted.

He'd looked after his wife for years with alzheimers until he could cope no longer, it was so awful for him, and within 6 weeks of having some relief from that with finally letting her go in a home... he got cancer. The Woman was circling whilst MIL had her alzheimers and was still at home.

Men are funny with clothes , my partner "didn't want to just throw them out" and did I want any of them. He saw nothing inappropriate in it....I however did . Maybe that's a man/woman thing and to a man they are "just clothes" ?🤔

well they should think more trafalgar i dont mind anyone having a new relationship but why give her your dead wfes clothes

its creepy and wrong

Sorry, I'm back, I went food shopping!

Okay, this woman was 'friends' with my father before my mother died, my mother even knew her loosely, I have no idea whether they were seeing each other before my mother died, I'd like to think they weren't but I wouldn't have proof anyway. What I thought was odd was that she visited my dad two days after mum died but didn't come to her funeral.

I need to reiterate, I'm not jealous, I'm not unhappy with the fact my father has a partner - quite the opposite, I'm glad he has company and companionship. I liked this woman at first and was quite prepared to accept her into the family. What I took offence to was the fact she was asking my father to stop contacting me. I needed to speak to my dad regularly as it helped a lot as I was processing the loss of my mother.

The snide remarks were aimed at my DD about my fathers dog whom DD loves. DD was used to giving her treats now and again but the woman stopped her doing it saying the dog was getting fat. 'I can see you all need lessons on healthy eating' type remarks. Also, i welcomed her to my home, she came in and had a face like a smacked bum all evening. Her eyes were everywhere checking everything out, my kids are nice, polite kids but whenever they'd speak up she would shut the conversation down. I sensed an undercurrent of dislike pretty much from the start. She would smile but it was never in her eyes. My dad was invited to a party on my mums side of the family and the new woman wasn't invited as my dad hadn't told my mums side about her at the time as it was very soon after. My dad spent most of the evening outside on his mobile phone as she phoned him every half hour - her daughter was supposedly having pregnancy problems and she needed my dads support....things like that, she made sure my dad didn't have a minute once she got her claws in. She got him to install apps on his phone, he didn't have a clue what to do so handed over the phone and passwords to her. She got him a device for his car that reads text messages out loud whilst you are driving so he's got no privacy whatsoever.

Anyway, back to the story When I told my father I wasn't putting up with a stranger (to me) dictating whether I speak to my father or not that's when she blew up and caused a scene, my father panicking that he was going to lose her 'put me in my place' as she'd told him to.

I then said I'm an adult, I don't have to put up with anyone being a bitch to me so I don't want anything to do with her. That's when he said fine, if you won't have anything to do with her then I won't have anything to do with you.