To stand my ground over my fathers new parter

[bambambaby]

My mother died late last year and my father met a new woman fairly quickly. Initially she seemed really nice and my dad was happy so I was happy for him - he's had a lot on his plate caring for my late mother as she was ill for years before she died. Soon it became apparent that she didn't really like me - I could tell, the undercurrent whenever I visited was of dislike and I was always answered with one word answers, little snide remarks etc and my dad was just oblivious to it all. She was also at my fathers house ALL the time, I was never able to visit without her there.

Despite this, all was plodding along ok but I started to notice a definite withdrawal from my father - our relationship was previously close with my mother being poorly as I supported him. He wouldnt answer his phone / reply to texts etc.

I spoke to him about this as he went many weeks without contact (I hung back to see if he would contact me as he'd not seen his GC's for many weeks) - it turns out his new partner doesn't like that he was texting and speaking to me most days and she told him that it was too much.

Naturally I told my dad that he should be really careful and that it wasnt right that she wanted my dad and I to lessen contact, I still dont know her very well and shes now moved in permanentlyand managed to remove every trace of my mother from the house. My father basically went off on one and told me to mind my own business (he has never spoken to me like this before and I suspect she was feeding him what to say in the background).

I told him I didnt like her and that I didnt want anything to do with her. He told me in that case I was out of his life and hes not spoken to me since. I am holding my ground as to be honest I dont see why I should back down - his parter is nothing to me and I shouldnt be forced to bother with her, especially as she is being horrible. This no contact is exactly what she wants I suspect.

I'm lost, dont want to back down as I feel so strongly about it but I miss my father.

Own child!

The phrase "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" applies here.

And yes, I have experience here but it's too long (and probably too painful) to relate. My vulnerable FIL was taken for a ride by a similar woman but by not cutting him off, we did manage to be his family and there for him till he died which happened only 18 months after hooking up with her. We would never have forgiven ourselves otherwise. Very hard though for her a relative stranger, to be telling us when we could and couldn't visit my DH's dying father. and he left her a big proportion of his estate, god she was clever

OP. Grit your teeth and play the game. I know what that's like. Be one step ahead of her. Don't play into her hands. You already have done but do what wheresthelight suggests - an Oscar performance.

Must say, I don't like the sound of your dad - what kind of father would cut his win child off on his new partner's say-so?

A man who is infatuated and is more than likely getting regular sex for the first time in years. (I believe OP's DM was ill for many years)

We don't like to think of our parents as having or wanting a sex life.

You make it sound like you expected your Dad to choose between the two of you as proof of his unconditional love for you.

If you had a partner and your Dad insisted you choose between your partner and him.......would you ditch the partner because he said so? If not, why not. Why are you laying down ultimations ...why does he have to choose. Why can't he have a relationship (which is none of your business) and have a daughter and grandchildren ? You tried to blackmail him....and he called your bluff. Frankly if one of my kids attempted to threaten and bully me I'd do the same. You aren't Daddy's little girl any more always coming first but an adult woman with near adult children yourself.

There's something a little off about a woman in her thirties or forties expecting a parent to demonstrate their unconditional love for them.

You are clearly very jealous of this woman but your Dad has chosen to be with her. He isn't trying to replace your Mum, he's just moving on with his life and finding happiness again after what must have been a very difficult time with your Mums illness. Would you rather he was miserable and lonely or maybe online dating a different woman every night and getting laid ?

Grow up, apologise to your Dad and make an effort with this woman and see where it all goes. She must have some good points if your Dad likes her and if you recent so hostile and protective who knows maybe she's OK (and if she isn't your Dad will work it out sooner if he isn't having to justify his choices to a resentful adult daughter)

To be honest, the DF has not cut his child off - he reduced contact (from what the OP says, it sounds like she was calling every day). And he removed pictures of his deceased wife from his home. And he expects his family to be happy for him.

There are two sides to every story. The DF's new partner may be horrid, but in any case it's HIS choice, and the OP must respect that. People really start crying abuser at the drop of a hat.

Invite him to a belated birthday meal, as if nothing has happened. Include her - you don't need to talk to her but she can't argue that you have cut her out then. Get the GC to ring him, after all they didn't fall out with him. It could be billed as a surprise for you, as you'd had a tiring birthday as you'd had to work.

Talk to him. You don't even need to make eye contact apart from a big smile on greeting.

All this talk of Oscar worthy performances is a bit much.

What has her dad done wrong really?

What has his partner done wrong come to that?

And at the end of the grovelling, give her a little knowing 'smile' that only she sees - . Just so's she knows that you've got her measure and you're watching her
likehamnotjam I like your style!

She must have some good points if your Dad likes her
Not necessarily trafalgargal. I honestly think the woman who zereod in on my FIL was after his money. And she got it. She really was clever and preyed on his vulnerabilities. There's far worse stories I could tell about her but this thread isnt about me.

Sounds like a bit of a gold digger.If they marry and (God forbid) your father dies, would any money that would have gone to you, then automatically go to her instead?

I think that would be the case.

One reason more to not let her win.

It's the swiftness of how people like this get their feet under the table, that beggars belief. I've known women who will hang around the man even before the wife has died! It's cleverly disguised as 'offers of help' hmm but as soon as he's widowed, they step up the offers of help, until they're round their nearly all the time.The rest is easy.

I miss the times when it was considered deeply inappropriate to marry before at least one year passed after the passing of your spouse. And I really don't understand how the men never seem to realize how inappropriate this is!

I don't think I would want to marry a person who already started hanging around when my spouse was still alive. But then, women are much more experienced in noticing what men actually want - men wanting to get into girls' pants starts at age 15 if not earlier.
Most men have no experience with being the victim of "I want nothing from you, I am just friendly, oh, hey, actually, I lied, I do want to exploit you!" tactics. So it figures that it would hit them unprepared when they're widowed. (I wonder whether men who used that kind of tactic on women are immune to that kind of gold-digger ... )

We don't choose other people's partners so we sort of have to include them and invite them to things.

He accepted your partner I Presume? Many people don't like their children's partners, but have to put up with it.

yep if the Dad knows his daughter well he'll see through the play acting anyway. A genuine apology (and even I don't understand what you see in her but I'll make the effort with her for you Dad) would probably be more honest and effective.

Waltermitty she has deliberately told me not to be in contact with his DD and GC. All traces of OP's DM are removed from the house, that's hardly the mark of a grieving man is it, and TBH hooking up with someone who has only just lost his wife after decades of marriage is pretty poor in my book. I's the speed that some of these women do this that gets me.

Another one saying play the long game. My father died in my teens and mother remarried when I was 19/20. From the day they met, it was always clear he came first. I'm just an after thought. Luckily he's a.nice man and quite downtrodden since meeting her. She's the narcissist. He's terminally ill now and she's threatened to disinherit me - I think in favour of my DD. And we aren't talking pocket change.

I like the grovelling and profuse apology to both of them whilst blaming your grief as selfish stupidity. I wouldn't give her any knowing smile. You sound like a normal nice person and odds on you're not good at playing the game. So just play it as straight as possible with one goal in mind: keeping contact with your father. Or are you upset about potential inheritance?

I'm a bit shocked how a fair few on here seem to think the relationship should change.

Yes if DF instigates it, not pushed into it by his girlfriend.

But you can only change your own behaviour OP, not theirs.

If it were me I'd be polite and visit occasionally and keep it at that. He might come to his senses on his own.

I know the man has been through a lot but you'd think he'd put his daughter whom he raised, saw grown up and whom is grieving them self, over a women he hasn't been with for long.

But I guess grief has affected him in a very strange way.

Roulette if this lady does turn out to be after his money then the OP is far better situated to find out and change the situation if she's in a regular relationship with her Dad than if she is estranged but the OP hasn't said if either of them even have any money. She could be a comfortably off widow for all we know and Dad remortgaged.

If you reverse the situation and someone whose daughter was living with an inappropriate partner was asking for advice, what would you say? I'd advise being lovely to them, inviting them round, being really nice and just waiting. I think the same would apply here.

If nothing else, if she doesn't like you, but doesn't want your dad to see what she's really like, it will kill her to have to be civil to you. I think it would be worth pretending you hadn't noticed TBH, just for the fun of knowing that she would be seething every time she had to see you.

Your relationship with your dad is obviously really important to you, Don't let her take it away from you. If apologising and pretending you like her is what it takes, then do it.

like just because your getting some does not mean you should prioritise the sex over your DC. Horrible that he couldn't for years and for that and his loss in truly sympatheticbut nothing excuses hurting your own children.

What were the snide remarks OP and did DF hear them?

I don't think I would want to marry a person who already started hanging around when my spouse was still alive
Yep, that's what happened in my case. DMIL went into a home with longterm alzheimers after FIL could no longer look after her. Predatory woman was there and moving in on the pretence of helping him as he had a cancer diagnosis shortly after. The speed of all of this was unbelievable, start to finish 18 months, wills changed, her telling us when we could see him, and her keeping all of the family sentimental items in the house after he died. Oh, and the car, and the house. Some people just don't have any good points. Poor FIL, he was so vulnerable.

So my sympathies are with the OP but I urge you to play the game and be clever.

I haven't read many other answers so excuse me if I've missed anything else OP wrote other than the start of the thread. I would definitely stand my ground and not beg to see him/ him to see his grandchildren BUT I do think it's important that he knows he hasn't burnt bridges with you and when he sees sense you'll be waiting for him. As much as its really hurtful that he's turned his back on you, his head and emotions aren't really his right now, he probably visioned a life of being alone after his wife died and when someone came along and APPEARED to love him he's grabbed it with both hands and doesn't want to lose her. If anything it shows they're really not made for eachother as he's putting her on a pedestal because of recent events, she hasn't exactly had to earn any respect or prove herself. She'll pass and he'll realise he got it wrong (hopefully it doesn't take too long), it's just a case of misplaced affection. My condolences to you, you're doing your mum proud by keeping it together and looking after her grandchildren as well as you always have.

Totally agree trafalgar Being in contact with him is so important.

The more I read of this, the more I'm inclined to think that you falling out with your DF is exactly what she wants.
Don't give her what she wants.

If you and your DF become completely no contact, then before you know it, they will marry and wills will more than likely be changed.
(similar to Roussette's FIL)

At the moment it's playout out perfectly for her.
Phone him up and apologize. Make sure you and your children remain permanent fixtures in your DF's life.

I think he's told you he doesn't want contact so take him at his word. Any adult who chooses a piece of arse over their kids isn't worth it. A lot of men do this. It's not being vulnerable, it's just being weak and foolish. I'd cut him loose.

If my OH had made the decision we'd have got together very quickly after the death of his wife and my dear friend . I wasn't having any of it and we remained friends and no more for a long time. That said I'm sure some people assumed we were more than friends long before we became a couple and said the sort of things about me said about other women on this thread.

The driving force isn't always the new partner, Living in a marriage with a spouse with a terminal illness is incredibly lonely for some people and they do want to put that sad and painful part of their lives behind them. It doesn't mean they didn't care or don't miss them. We both miss my OHs wife and talk about her often and mark her birthday and day of death by visiting her grave but life does go on . I'm very lucky my adult step children are happy with our relationship and do regard me as family . Jealousy or resentment would be a blight on our relationship but if truth be told I think he might take the view that his children have their own lives and children and he's entitled to his happiness too if blackmailed into choosing.

She could just tell your DF the OP were smirking at her, she'd have no cause to keep silent. Right now he is transferring the love he had for your mother to her. This is still fairly new, less than a year, give it a while. He's heavily in romantic love with a woman who is healthy and doesn't need care, he's probably exhilarated after years of being a carer. Being shiny and new is her advantage.

I would keep a distance, but send him birthday cards and christmas cards to let him know you haven't completely cut him off. Or text so you know he gets the messages. After two or three years if he's still silent, offer to meet up. He will miss you.