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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to move , husband does not

275 replies

Saza09 · 06/08/2016 07:56

Talk

Dear all ,
I desparately need advice . My husband and I are both irish but have lived in lonon for nearly 20 years. I really want to move home to be near my folks and my husband's family . I miss ireland a lot and we are always there . I have always done so.

Part of the move for me is to have a slower life and a more rural small town life with family time. We have partied hard here and lived london to the full but i desparately want calm and quiet and rural views and most of all my folks and in laws nearby for my kids to have a family life.

Objectively , we have an amazing life here in London .

The kids (aged 7 and 5) are well settled here and very happy in a fabulous school and we have a wide range of friends (including irish from uni and childhood ). On paper , all looks good for london and very few understand why i want to move but I am terribly home sick and want a change of pace and direction. My husband has a fab job here and if we moved he would commute from ireland staying two nights away . I have tried to give up on this ireland thing but i just cant.

It is tearing our marriage apart as my husband does not understand my need to go home or why family is such a big thing (for me , my parents are aging and I want to spend time together before they die).

After years of arguing , we are on our knees about this. I finally persuaded him to put an offer on a house in ireland and we lost it today . I am heartbroken and angry with him for not making it happen (the offer was low and half hearted ). I am close to divorce. I know this is not just about "home" but about the state of our marriage and my unresolved need to be near my parents. However , I am so consumed by anger that I have had to persuade my husband for so long when it is obvious (since the birth our first child) that I desparately want to go back. I don't get why he can't see how much this means and why he has not until very recently been open to any discussion on this. I appreciate that he does not want to be separated from us and his careerbis successful and here. He loves london. is it wrong of me to want different things and expect to be listened to ? Why has it taken a year of constant arguing forhim.toagree to think about moving ? Feel like I am losing my mind . Advice please x

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 06/08/2016 16:51

Davos Perhaps the commuting is something that the dh might try for a limited time, during school holidays perhaps, to see how it goes, and if it improves things. I think the blanket refusal to even consider what she wants is upsetting the OP.

If I decided that I really had to be back in Cornwall for my Mum and for me, then dh would facilitate that, as that's always been the agreement, and we originally six weeked it when dh was originally posted abroad. Not ideal, but doable.

VanillaSugar · 06/08/2016 17:06

Had the OP come back onto this thread? I might be wrong, but I don't think she has. Come on love, give us a bit more info!!

davos · 06/08/2016 17:57

Davos Perhaps the commuting is something that the dh might try for a limited time, during school holidays perhaps, to see how it goes, and if it improves things. I think the blanket refusal to even consider what she wants is upsetting the OP.

so move and try it out? And if he hates it and can't get work in Ireland, and wants to return to London?

He won't be able to bring the kids home, divorced and moving back alone?

Quite frankly no way would I risk it with a marriage on the brink. Having to stay in country I don't want to be in or leave my kids behind?

Why can't the op trial going over to Ireland on a monthly basis, or even every other weekend instead?

If I decided that I really had to be back in Cornwall for my Mum and for me, then dh would facilitate that, as that's always been the agreement,

op and her dh have had no such agreement. So it's not a comparison to make. And what about what's best for the kids?

Iknowthisgirlcanx100 · 06/08/2016 18:05

There has been an equally desperate thread from a poster who is prepared to give up her council house to move her family to the south coast to be near her Mum and Gran. It doesn't augur well to me that someone's primary focus is their parents (or just their Mum), rather than their partner and children.
I can't begin to imagine the stick a male partner would get for this suggestion. Though a friend of mine made it a condition when she married that all Christmases and holidays were to be spent with her parents, even though she saw them regularly.

Viviennemary · 06/08/2016 18:08

In your situation I think it is a big ask to expect your DH to move away from his job and his friends and also uprooting your DC's. I agree with folk saying you want different things. Whatever the outcome one person is going to be extremely unhappy. I sympathise. You are homesick. But he has made his life here. His job is important. There is no easy answer to this. It seems like an impasse.

Original poster
Saza09 · 06/08/2016 18:53

Dear all ,

Just wanted to say thanks to all of you for the lovely, sage and kind advice . I think it reflects what I know at heart (sensible to stay put ) but whether we do that in the end I really can't say . I do need to return to counselling and we do need to work on our marriage also . But , in the end , I do think we will go back . You are correct about my marriage . It's always been hard work and lots arguments (but love and passion too). I wanted to say that all your posts have massively helped me today and I am looking at DH in kinder light as i think I had forgotten what I am asking of him (and the kids ). Will let you know if we do move xxx

OP posts:
3luckystars · 06/08/2016 19:04

I met a friend in the supermarket earlier with his 2 children, and his wife said she wants another baby. He said "I don't!!!" And she just smiled.
I said "she will win"
And he said "she might, but in the end, we will all lose"

It reminded me of your post. Good luck with everything OP, I hope ye figure it out.

davos · 06/08/2016 19:08

Good luck op, whatever happens. Flowers

IwannaSnorlax · 06/08/2016 19:23

Good luck Op.

That's very true Luckystars - I have a close friend who was desperate for a 3rd baby when her DH didn't want one. She got her way but he left when DC3 was 2 years old & although I'm sure it wasn't the only reason, things definitely changed after he was born & I think it was a nail in the coffin (although he's the most gorgeous little boy so I'm sure in the long run it will all be for the best regardless - hopefully - all very nasty right now).

scaryteacher · 06/08/2016 19:28

Davos They could rent in Ireland during the summer, or stay with relatives, keeping their London home. He could try the commute to see if it is feasible. It's hardly rocket science is it? There are ways round this that don't end in divorce if they are both willing to compromise.

Staying might be best for the kids, but at what cost to the OP? She does have an existence outside being a wife and mother.

davos · 06/08/2016 19:35

Davos They could rent in Ireland during the summer, or stay with relatives, keeping their London home. He could try the commute to see if it is feasible. It's hardly rocket science is it?

doing it for a few weeks isn't the same as soon it permanently. Just like if you lived. In a holiday resort, it wouldn't be the same as being on holiday.

Or they take their kids out of school and rent, hate it and try to move again. Moving the kids schools, leaving the kids friends again.

It's hardly rocket science is it? Wink

Besides which you didn't answer, why can't the op trial, travelling there more first?

Staying might be best for the kids, but at what cost to the OP? She does have an existence outside being a wife and mother.

I never said she didn't. But as a mother (or father) and someone in a family, you sometimes have to do what's best for the whole family. Not what you want. So if it's better for the kids and the dh, it's majority rules.

If the kids hated London and were desperate to go, I would say she needs to really push the issue. But that's not the case.

Msqueen33 · 06/08/2016 20:14

Good luck op. Have you thought about spending the school holidays out in Ireland to see how things go? Obviously if your dh doesn't want to move that's a big problem. I hope it all works out for you 🍫🍷

JacquettaWoodville · 06/08/2016 20:27

An airbnb or similar near your parents for 6 weeks in the summer (if you are SAHM) whilst DH does the commute you contemplate would be a good test of how it worked for him, not perfect as no school runs etc but worth a try.

harshbuttrue1980 · 06/08/2016 21:23

Sounds like you're being selfish. I'm assuming you don't work as you haven't mentioned a job. Your kids are in school and your DH has a good job. You want to uproot your kids, and force your DH to have an awful commute and live out of a hotel for some of the week so you can be near your parents. Here's a suggestion I bet you haven't thought of - why don't YOU get a job in Ireland, the kids stay in London with their friends and DH, and YOU do the commuting back and forth being away from your home and kids. why should it automatically be your DH who has the crap end of the stick??

Batteriesallgone · 06/08/2016 21:41

I'm confused as to why people are talking about the DHs job as being one of 'his' priorities.

It sounds like OP is a SAHM in which case his job is a key family priority, surely. Distance working and long commutes can really affect performance it's not something to be taken lightly even if he was keen on the idea.

VioletBam · 07/08/2016 01:24

Batteries I think you're right but many people would say that it's not fair to prioritize him as the main earner because SAHMs do an important job too.

But I do think that being the main earner is more practically important....these are the reasons I chose to move....because DH, as the main earner had a career opportunity which would allow us as a family to live a better life.

In OPs situation, they already have that better life!

Batteriesallgone · 07/08/2016 03:54

It's not really prioritising him though it's a job not a hobby!

I'm a SAHM too and can't imagine risking our income like this.

I come from a poor UK rural area (with the occasional massive house owed by a millionaire!) and the expression there is 'you can't live on the view'.

VioletBam · 07/08/2016 04:00

Batteries that's why I said "But I do think the main earner is more practically important"

And why I chose to move countries due to my husband's job. I can do my job anywhere there is an internet connection so it was easy.

TallulahTheTiger · 07/08/2016 04:13

Hi OP what is it that gives you the belief that the move will happen 'in the end' do you mean eventually at somepoint in the future, or right now?

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 07/08/2016 04:26

Tallulah I'm hoping OP meant after children graduate and both her DH is in a different career place. I sincerely hope she didn't mean she's just going to keep bullying him about it right now.

DinosaursRoar · 07/08/2016 09:17

Op - have you looked at moving out of London to a more rural community that's commutable to your DHs office? You might be a lot happier if your lifestyle is closer to the one you had as a child, even if it's in a different part of the world.

If you move out of London could you free up money from a house sale to buy something a lot bigger with guest room for your parents to visit for extended periods.

If you do settle somewhere cheaper than London, would your parents move to be near you?

Perhaps think about what you are genuinely trying to achieve - is it to recreate your childhood lifestyle for your dcs, does that need to be in Ireland? Would you manage that if they don't see their dad for most of the week? Are you trying to get more time with your parents? Why can't they come to you?

Oblomov16 · 07/08/2016 09:31

OP in her response, never addressed the thing about spending more time with aging parents. In the holidays?
My sil cared for my mil for 4 years before she passed. We all did, but she was the main. She has the patience of a saint and is amazing. The relief when it was over was huge. Don't underestimate this OP.

TallulahTheTiger · 07/08/2016 09:56

My thoughts too specialagent. Please don't let it be the latter OP as I am sure it will not end well for anyone.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 07/08/2016 10:08

Agreed Tallulah. I know you're hurting OP, but if you continue forcing this issue (at the moment -I don't mean ever) you will end up destroying your marriage.

Wellywife · 07/08/2016 10:24

I can fully understand where the OP is coming from. So many posters on MN lament that they're in a pickle and have no family nearby to help. Going to Ireland would mean her parents and inlaws would both be nearby. The help could go in both directions.

DH always jokes that mums want to go back to their mums when they have DC. I felt like that too so we moved up north to be near my parents. Fortunately for us the support DM gave us meant that DH was able to study while I worked and DS wasn't in nursery every day. Now we're settled with teenage DC in excellent state schools and a great friendship group. DM still helps with DD (13) when I'm working in the hols - just being near if needed, not babysitting. It would take very good friends indeed to be that helpful! in fact you'd be told to just pay for the help you need which is just not the same.

London does have great museums, cinemas, parks etc but you pay a HUGE premium to live near them. You'd need to be visiting several museums every weekend to get your money's worth. And it can take over an hour to cross it. Amazingly other places have museums and cinemas too. An hour door to door from here we can be in countryside or the beach. No regrets about leaving London AT ALL. Don't let that nonsense argument get in the way. People have great lives everywhere and it sounds like at the moment you're not one of them.