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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to move , husband does not

275 replies

Saza09 · 06/08/2016 07:56

Talk

Dear all ,
I desparately need advice . My husband and I are both irish but have lived in lonon for nearly 20 years. I really want to move home to be near my folks and my husband's family . I miss ireland a lot and we are always there . I have always done so.

Part of the move for me is to have a slower life and a more rural small town life with family time. We have partied hard here and lived london to the full but i desparately want calm and quiet and rural views and most of all my folks and in laws nearby for my kids to have a family life.

Objectively , we have an amazing life here in London .

The kids (aged 7 and 5) are well settled here and very happy in a fabulous school and we have a wide range of friends (including irish from uni and childhood ). On paper , all looks good for london and very few understand why i want to move but I am terribly home sick and want a change of pace and direction. My husband has a fab job here and if we moved he would commute from ireland staying two nights away . I have tried to give up on this ireland thing but i just cant.

It is tearing our marriage apart as my husband does not understand my need to go home or why family is such a big thing (for me , my parents are aging and I want to spend time together before they die).

After years of arguing , we are on our knees about this. I finally persuaded him to put an offer on a house in ireland and we lost it today . I am heartbroken and angry with him for not making it happen (the offer was low and half hearted ). I am close to divorce. I know this is not just about "home" but about the state of our marriage and my unresolved need to be near my parents. However , I am so consumed by anger that I have had to persuade my husband for so long when it is obvious (since the birth our first child) that I desparately want to go back. I don't get why he can't see how much this means and why he has not until very recently been open to any discussion on this. I appreciate that he does not want to be separated from us and his careerbis successful and here. He loves london. is it wrong of me to want different things and expect to be listened to ? Why has it taken a year of constant arguing forhim.toagree to think about moving ? Feel like I am losing my mind . Advice please x

OP posts:
Becky546 · 06/08/2016 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JudyCoolibar · 06/08/2016 12:45

I think the 1:4 ratio is a red herring tbh. OP has been asking her DH to consider this for 7 years. If they had moved 7 years ago then the DCs wouldn't have been settled in school.

But you cannot say that the children's wishes are irrelevant just because the problem wouldn't have arisen had the family moved 7 years ago. The fact of the matter is that the children are settled in school and probably also have other local friends and activities, and the effect of moving on them simply cannot be ignored.

Headofthehive55 · 06/08/2016 12:46

I wonder how the responses would be different if he had got a good job opportunities elsewhere. No doubt the op would be told to move. The woman as always seems to be told as long as everyone else is happy then she must suck it up.

JudyCoolibar · 06/08/2016 12:46

I think you also need to look ahead to a time when your parents are no longer around and the strong probability is that your children will have left home and will be back in England or further afield. Will Ireland necessarily be so great then?

Smurfnoff · 06/08/2016 12:47

I can't help wondering what the response to the following would have been:

'DH and DC and I have a great life in London. We have great friends, the DCs are settled in good schools and I have a great job. It's ideal - but DH is desperate to move back to Ireland. I've been saying for seven years that I don't want to go, the DCs don't want to go, but he won't give up. And to top it all, he even expects me to fly back to London every week to work! AIBU?'

Becky546 · 06/08/2016 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smurfnoff · 06/08/2016 12:53

My point - which I thought would've been pretty obvious - is that 99% of responses would have been 'OMG I can't believe he's behaving like that!' Yet with the situation reversed people have been calling the husband 'manipulative' and insensitive to OP's needs.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 06/08/2016 12:54

Well Smurf it's not 'an ideal life' if one of the parents is desperately unhappy. It's also not an 'ideal life' if the DCs are learning that a relationship is about ignoring the needs of one party. The issue here isn't Ireland or London. It's how partners negotiate and compromise. And so far OP feels she has done all the compromising which leads to resentment.

scaryteacher · 06/08/2016 12:56

Davos The needs must comment was in relation to jobs that require commuting, working away, and many do. Equally, why shouldn't people be happy living like that, because they know it works for them? Not all of us want to live joined at the hip to our partners, and enjoy the independence that weekending can bring. I saw more of dh for two of his postings by staying in our home, than I would have done by moving with him.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 06/08/2016 12:57

Head That isn't even a remotely comparable situation. I'm a radfem and I resent your little digs about this being a gender issue.

BikeGeek · 06/08/2016 12:58

If the OP had never wanted to move to England but did anyway that would be compromising. Moving to the UK 20 years ago and enjoying a life here before deciding you want to live elsewhere is not really the op compromising

Becky546 · 06/08/2016 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathsmum314 · 06/08/2016 13:01

In two years time this 'commute' will be in and out of the EU, I wouldn't expect it to be like getting on a bus. And who knows what delays will be caused by airport expansion, protest groups or terrorist attacks. Exchange rate from sterling to euro, as it now, you will have an immediate 10% pay cut.

From my perspective I would not want to leave the city we had agreed to live, work and start a family in. If I had a great house, social life, friends, schools, job etc I would not want to give it up to go and live in the sticks beside the in-laws. To give up all the opportunities my children would have in London, so I could see them less and spend two days a week traveling with two nights a week in a hotel. I would worry my children wouldn't like the complete change in lifestyle, seeing one parent less and it might harm them. I would worry a divorce was around the corner and to protect my family I would not let them out of the country.

The only solution I can see is you try a trial separation and try and work out your priorities. Is moving to Ireland to look after your old parents more important than having a family in London.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 06/08/2016 13:11

I don't think she's being selfish. I think their relationship is in trouble. She's miserable and thinks moving will help. Personally I think individual counselling would help because the dynamic that created this problem will just move with them to Ireland.

Iloveowls2 · 06/08/2016 13:23

It doesn't seem like anyone is going to win here. You and your husband want fundamentally different things. I know how you feel. I too would love to live a more rural life and closer to my family but accept that would mean uprooting our lives too much. It just isn't practical without sacrificing large amount of time with DC. Therefore it won't happen. I could not push forward with any idea which would see DC and DH having to live in different countries for part of the week. I highly suspect if you did split up you would not be allowed to move your DC abroad (before you go down this route I would talk to a solicitor). I would see if there is s compromise eg living in a rural area your DH can commute into London with a granny flat your parents can stay in for longer periods. A holiday home (even a static caravan) in Ireland you could visit on weekends and holidays.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 06/08/2016 13:31

Like I said, I think this is chicken and egg, and something I personally think OP should consider.

Do you miss Ireland so much because because you're unhappy in London? or are you subconsciously missing your childhood home because your relationship is unhappy? Have a good, long think about your marriage. Does your husband blank you on issues too? Are there any other significant issues that really upset you other than this disagreement?

Just something to mull over.

Smurfnoff · 06/08/2016 13:32

Couch - The OP herself said it was a great life. Granted, there's a very big 'but' - but there is for the husband too. My post was trying to see how the same problem would sound from his side.

Headofthehive55 · 06/08/2016 13:44

You can objectively have a great life - from what it look so like on the outside, but not enjoy it much from within.

JacquettaWoodville · 06/08/2016 14:41

"The woman as always seems to be told as long as everyone else is happy then she must suck it up."

I don't think that's true, Head - her happiness is also important and lots of posters have suggested compromises that may work or could at least be tried such as spending more time with her parents in Ireland, moving out of London to somewhere with a more rural feel etc.

Another option is DH looking for work in Ireland.

davos · 06/08/2016 15:03

I don't think she's being selfish. I think their relationship is in trouble.

I agree. But he would be mad to move to Ireland until it's resolved either way.

davos · 06/08/2016 15:06

Davos The needs must comment was in relation to jobs that require commuting, working away, and many do. Equally, why shouldn't people be happy living like that, because they know it works for them? Not all of us want to live joined at the hip to our partners, and enjoy the independence that weekending can bring. I saw more of dh for two of his postings by staying in our home, than I would have done by moving with him.

How is any of that relevant to the op? The person doing the commuting doesn't want to. They don't want to stay away from their family, they don't want a long commute.

If the OP wants more time apart from her dh and more independence, she can travelled to Ireland to visit.

sparechange · 06/08/2016 16:02

Another option is DH looking for work in Ireland.

Another option would be OP looking for work either in London or Ireland so her DH doesn't have to either worry about the commute or worry about working at all

But as OP hasn't been back, I suspect we will never ever know which of the gaps we've all filled in on their situation are correct and which aren't

heron98 · 06/08/2016 16:13

You might be sent back in a few years because of Brexit. Maybe wait and see?

Nanny0gg · 06/08/2016 16:17

And if a career change doesn't work out, you can always change again.

Really? It's that easy is it?

Toddlerteaplease · 06/08/2016 16:39

Would you actually see more of your parents though? I thought I'd see more of mine when they retired but they are so busy with all their Interests that I don't see them as much as I thought I would. And they only live 40 minutes away. I think it's great they do so much but it'd be awful to move and find that they aren't as available as you think they will be.

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