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Original poster

Want to move , husband does not

275 replies

Saza09 · 06/08/2016 07:56

Talk

Dear all ,
I desparately need advice . My husband and I are both irish but have lived in lonon for nearly 20 years. I really want to move home to be near my folks and my husband's family . I miss ireland a lot and we are always there . I have always done so.

Part of the move for me is to have a slower life and a more rural small town life with family time. We have partied hard here and lived london to the full but i desparately want calm and quiet and rural views and most of all my folks and in laws nearby for my kids to have a family life.

Objectively , we have an amazing life here in London .

The kids (aged 7 and 5) are well settled here and very happy in a fabulous school and we have a wide range of friends (including irish from uni and childhood ). On paper , all looks good for london and very few understand why i want to move but I am terribly home sick and want a change of pace and direction. My husband has a fab job here and if we moved he would commute from ireland staying two nights away . I have tried to give up on this ireland thing but i just cant.

It is tearing our marriage apart as my husband does not understand my need to go home or why family is such a big thing (for me , my parents are aging and I want to spend time together before they die).

After years of arguing , we are on our knees about this. I finally persuaded him to put an offer on a house in ireland and we lost it today . I am heartbroken and angry with him for not making it happen (the offer was low and half hearted ). I am close to divorce. I know this is not just about "home" but about the state of our marriage and my unresolved need to be near my parents. However , I am so consumed by anger that I have had to persuade my husband for so long when it is obvious (since the birth our first child) that I desparately want to go back. I don't get why he can't see how much this means and why he has not until very recently been open to any discussion on this. I appreciate that he does not want to be separated from us and his careerbis successful and here. He loves london. is it wrong of me to want different things and expect to be listened to ? Why has it taken a year of constant arguing forhim.toagree to think about moving ? Feel like I am losing my mind . Advice please x

OP posts:
grannytomine · 06/08/2016 08:45

Griphook she said quite clearly that until recently he wouldn't even discuss it. If you were desperately unhappy about something in your life wouldn't you expect a loving partner to at least discuss it with you?

grannytomine · 06/08/2016 08:46

Elspeth, yes. Seven years is a long time, particularly seven years with pregnancies and babies and longing for home.

TheWindInThePillows · 06/08/2016 08:48

In my experience, these situations are almost unresolvable, or rather one person just decides they can compromise. In my case, my husband compromised with where I wanted to live, but it wasn't financially disadvantageous to us. There is no right answer, just lots of discussion and find the 'least worst' solution for everyone.

OliviaStabler · 06/08/2016 08:49

I would not move away from London. I lived the rural life for many years and hated it. It was not the pace of life for me or the life I wanted to live. I can't blame your husband, I would not go either.

Smurfnoff · 06/08/2016 08:49

'Longing for home' - she's not a kid at boarding school! She's an adult.

whattheseithakasmean · 06/08/2016 08:51

Your children are growing up in one of the most diverse and cosmopolitan cities in the world with opportunities on their doorstep. Is it to their benefit to take them to rural Ireland? Your DH has a job he enjoys that pays what the family needs. Is it to his benefit to have a horrific commute that takes him away from his growing children?

Is there any reason you cannot travel regularly to see your family, if you think it is so easy for DH to do the journey the other way if you force this move?

Can you get a good enough job in Ireland to be able to support the family financially? If so, you may have a point, if not, you are being selfish and self centred. You are one person in a family, but you want everyone to put your desires over their wants and needs.

grannytomine · 06/08/2016 08:51

Smurfnoff, just because you don't feel like that it doesn't change the fact that others do. You might sneer but there are probably things you think are important that other people wouldn't.

Yewtown · 06/08/2016 08:53

I have done this. My husband travelled over to England Tuesday to Thursday but it was something he wanted to do. He missed out on somethings but the trade off was spending time with family. We are the only children, on both sides, living at home. This has been invaluable as our parents are now elderly and we can be of practicable help. I wouldn't however try to force my oh to do this against his will.

ElspethFlashman · 06/08/2016 08:53

radywad you may have a love hate relationship with Ireland but the OP doesn't. And lots and lots of people don't. It is a nice place to grow up. It's not like her kids would be miserable given their young ages. It's not like at 7 & 5 they'd really really miss the amazing museums.

However her husband would clearly be miserable. And I wouldn't blame him considering what would be asked of him. I'd go mad having to commute to another country every week, even if just for two days.

Especially if on the other days I didn't have much else to do cos I was in a rural bungalow next to my wife's parents! (Though obvs we don't know that last part)

wobblywonderwoman · 06/08/2016 08:53

I have moved. I think you are so lucky to have what you have. It can be lovelu but very narrow minded and insular here. I personally think you are crazy fro giving up what you have for a dream.

Msqueen33 · 06/08/2016 08:58

What a difficult situation to be in! I can completely understand your dh. Is he Irish? But I can see your point of view too. Would the reality of Ireland live up to your expectations? Would your parents move over to be near you? Would you have any network outside of your parents? Sadly sounds like no one wins. If you push your husband to move he probably would resent you and his not moving means you end up resenting him. Could you see your life in Ireland without him? Could you visit more? I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. Hugs.

NewNameFriday · 06/08/2016 09:00

It's not like at 7 & 5 they'd really really miss the amazing museums.

But they won't be 7 and 5 forever. At 14 and 12 they'll miss the public transport, the shops, cinemas, and everything else that London has to offer.

Zhabr · 06/08/2016 09:01

I just don't get it OP. You want to completely change the life of you family to be close to your parents? And you must be at least in your late 30s?
The good book about the relocation I've read recently (fiction) is called The Safe House. Probably worth to read.

Raines100 · 06/08/2016 09:01

It's very hard if you have wanted this for years, and it seems that he has had his way, so when is it your turn?

If only life were that simple, and we could all have a little turn at living here and there. You've set up your lives in London, and you can't just up sticks and go if it's not what you both want. DH getting on a plane to commute back would be an absolute deal breaker in my house. He would feel like his happiness and his presence in our lives was expendable. Think what the kids would lose in having a part time dad. We would also be close to divorce if I pushed that scenario.

Could you afford to buy a holiday home in Ireland so it feels like you have a bricks and mortar connection and spend summer holidays there?

limon · 06/08/2016 09:03

I think yabunin expecting g your husband to be separated from his children. As living in Ireland is so I. Portal to you, could you move to Ireland and visit husband and children at weekends? If you divorce how will you have access to your children if they staying London with your husband?

VioletBam · 06/08/2016 09:05

As someone who lives thousands of miles from parents, I can see things differently.

You are close to your parents. You could potentially see them every weekend!

tofutti · 06/08/2016 09:06

Flying to London for two nights each week? No way would I do that.

Will you be working? How long would your commute be?

Is it fair to expect your DH to do this commute? I don't think it is.

Whizzyloofah · 06/08/2016 09:07

The grass isn't always greener and to uproot your family and emotionally punish your husband by constantly putting pressure on him to move is unfair. It would be him doing all the compromising in order for you to live your dream, and that's not what a marriage is about. Do you want to teach your children that a relationship is all about dogging your heels in and creating a fuss until the other person backs down? This isn't healthy for any of you. Moving to Ireland most likely wouldn't be the end of the situation, but it may spell the end of your marriage anyway.

If it means so much to you to spend time with your parents (and I'm sure everyone can understand that) then it ahould be you that does the regular commute to Ireland for a visit. If it really is making you that unhappy and your parents are one of the main factors, then make it happen. Change your job if you have to, to fit around it. Making your husband do something he doesn't want to do, making him be away from his children and have to commute such a large distance is totally unreasonable.

I hope you resolve this and remember that your husband and children are important members of your family too, and their happiness is a huge consideration that should be aknowledged.

JudyCoolibar · 06/08/2016 09:07

I must admit I do have difficulty understanding a grown woman being homesick. For me, home is where my husband and children are and where I have lived for the last 20 years, not where I grew up.

Batteriesallgone · 06/08/2016 09:10

Are there any creative solutions here. Would your DH and your parents consider all moving to a big house together within commutable reach of London where your parents could have an annexe/flat and so you will be with them. Sounds crazy but I've know some retired parents to move to be near their children and once suggested they might like the idea.

Or could you and DH move to somewhere within super easy reach of an airport that flies to near your parents (depends where they are I know...) I have a friend from Belfast who has done that - flies back twice every 6 weeks, sometimes with kids sometimes not. They have a seperate 'flights budget' for her to see her parents. She sees her parents way more than other people I know with them much closer.

Someone suggested a holiday home near your parents, can you afford that?

There's clearly been communication problems. You started longing for home after your first baby but then had another without a concrete agreement on the future. Your children are now in school and still you haven't agreed you've just become entrenched in your opposing positions. You sound a bit like you're saying but what about MEEEEE like it's your 'turn'. What's your employment situation? What would you do for work if you moved?

Smurfnoff · 06/08/2016 09:13

One thing no one has considered is that working in the UK and living in Ireland may be fine now - will it still be in two years' time if Brexit goes ahead?

ElspethFlashman · 06/08/2016 09:17

Well no-ones saying the kids wouldn't have rather a boring upbringing, of course they would! But a lot of us were raised boringly rurally and it didn't do any damage!

And they would get to know their grandparents/cousins very closely.

But this won't end well for the marriage.

TheCrumpettyTree · 06/08/2016 09:18

It's not wrong for you to expect to be listened to. But your DH also has to be listened to. It's not all about what you want. And I wouldn't want to commute by plane either.

spiderbabymum · 06/08/2016 09:19

OP
How many weeks a year do you and your children +/_ DH spend in Ireland with your parents ?

Do your children like it there ?

Do you work ?

I'm irish too and I totally understand the positive things about a rural childhood

I live in the uk too

I've travelled a fair bit for work in the past

blueberryporridge · 06/08/2016 09:20

My husband has to work in a country much further away from the UK than Ireland, and only gets home to us in the UK for a week or so every 6-8 weeks. It is not ideal (far from it) but there are lots of families where one of the parents works abroad or offshore for extended periods, and there are lots of families where one parent is away for a good part of every week. My DH coming home every week would be a luxury for us - a walk in the park compared with our current situation. Although a lot of the posters here cannot contemplate the arrangement you are suggesting, it is not an uncommon arrangement.

OP, I can quite understand why you would want to return to Ireland, have a rural life and be closer to your parents even though your current life seems great on paper. I have been in the same position (not Ireland though) and I know it is a deep-seated urge which you cannot just put to the back of your mind.

I do not think it is fair for your DH to dismiss your feelings as there lies the road to greater problems. Instead, I would be inclined to explore the possibilities of your and your children being based in Ireland somewhere accessible for flights to London, with your DH commuting on a weekly basis. You need to work through the practical and financial impllcations, and then come to a decision jointly. It may well be that when you have worked out how it would work in practice, it will not seem such a good idea to you. but on the other hand it may stack up and be a workable solution to your current situation.

And please ignore the PPs who say that you shouldn't prefer a rural life in Ireland to a London life. Everyone is different, and your preferences are just as valid as anyone else's.