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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Want to move , husband does not

275 replies

Saza09 · 06/08/2016 07:56

Talk

Dear all ,
I desparately need advice . My husband and I are both irish but have lived in lonon for nearly 20 years. I really want to move home to be near my folks and my husband's family . I miss ireland a lot and we are always there . I have always done so.

Part of the move for me is to have a slower life and a more rural small town life with family time. We have partied hard here and lived london to the full but i desparately want calm and quiet and rural views and most of all my folks and in laws nearby for my kids to have a family life.

Objectively , we have an amazing life here in London .

The kids (aged 7 and 5) are well settled here and very happy in a fabulous school and we have a wide range of friends (including irish from uni and childhood ). On paper , all looks good for london and very few understand why i want to move but I am terribly home sick and want a change of pace and direction. My husband has a fab job here and if we moved he would commute from ireland staying two nights away . I have tried to give up on this ireland thing but i just cant.

It is tearing our marriage apart as my husband does not understand my need to go home or why family is such a big thing (for me , my parents are aging and I want to spend time together before they die).

After years of arguing , we are on our knees about this. I finally persuaded him to put an offer on a house in ireland and we lost it today . I am heartbroken and angry with him for not making it happen (the offer was low and half hearted ). I am close to divorce. I know this is not just about "home" but about the state of our marriage and my unresolved need to be near my parents. However , I am so consumed by anger that I have had to persuade my husband for so long when it is obvious (since the birth our first child) that I desparately want to go back. I don't get why he can't see how much this means and why he has not until very recently been open to any discussion on this. I appreciate that he does not want to be separated from us and his careerbis successful and here. He loves london. is it wrong of me to want different things and expect to be listened to ? Why has it taken a year of constant arguing forhim.toagree to think about moving ? Feel like I am losing my mind . Advice please x

OP posts:

sparechange · 09/08/2016 11:13

Flugelpip
You don't know Irish roads!

Donegal to Cork could easily be 7 hours in bad traffic or bad weather

Flugelpip · 09/08/2016 11:50

That's true - but if the family was in Cork why would you buy in Donegal and vice versa?!

sparechange · 09/08/2016 12:00

Because he obviously and clearly really does not want to move back to Ireland to live right next to his in-laws...

ElspethFlashman · 09/08/2016 13:02

Yeah it's obstruction. At that remove you couldn't be further away unless you chose to buy a house in the ocean!

And more beautiful usually = remote with shit roads, let's face it.

ceebie · 09/08/2016 13:04

I don't get the 7 hours either. Back when I was small and there were no motorways, it could easily take 7 hours to get anywhere, as you drove down winding roads which followed old trails that sheep once took, and went through the middle of every single little village along the way. The roads have improved now, except getting up and down the length of the west coast. But you'd still have to be talking about Donegal to south coast, which doesn't make sense?

biggles50 · 09/08/2016 15:18

I completely get homesickness it must be awful for you, it's a real thing. You obviously miss your family deeply. I wonder if there's a middle ground? Perhaps some ownership in ireland? Could you buy somewhere small near your family? Have it as a holiday let to have an income, you probably hate (as I do) being a visitor in your own country. There aren't any easy answers to this. Maybe spend the whole of the school summer holidays with your family next year, get a feel as to how your kids intigrate. Remember you don't have to burn your boats. You could rent out your property in London and rent in ireland so you can always go back. My heart goes out to you.

DinosaursRoar · 09/08/2016 15:24

Would it really not be possible for your DH to move his career to Ireland, even if that meant you couldn't live very close to your parents, but near whichever City he got a job in? Then at least, you could do weekends at your parents house, they could more easily visit you. Not exactly what you want, and it might take another year or so before you could move if he has to find a new job first, but at least gets you back in Ireland, and all together.

It doesn't surprise me that as it'll just be a holiday home for your DH, he's looking at holiday home locations. You need to be looking at a family home, one your whole family lives in together.

Vickyyyy · 09/08/2016 16:55

The obvious compromise here is you visit Ireland regularly, take the children if they wish to go. Makes more sense than uprooting your entire family.

mathsmum314 · 09/08/2016 19:24

Just a practical point of view, considering your DH reluctance/obstruction to, moving, and the potential for it to lead to divorce. Have you looked at how much benefits you would get in Ireland if you divorced, could you survive on that? Also look into your ability to enforce any maintenance payments on a hostile exDH who lived outside the EU. Lastly what would you do if move to Ireland, divorce and father wins residence of children! Given previous posts/experience it sounds like a real possibility.

Flugelpip · 10/08/2016 23:12

Vickyyy the whole point is that she wants to live there, not visit regularly - she wants to bring her children up in rural Ireland not urban London in a different culture and environment from where she feels at home. And FYI I am going from London to Dublin with my family for four days in August. It will cost well over £1000 for us to get to the airport, fly and hire a car at the other end. Even though we are staying with family, it's impossible to do that regularly. We didn't get cheap flights - it's the August bank holiday - but typically the times you can travel with children are the expensive times to travel.

sparechange · 11/08/2016 08:58

Flugel, that's because it is an August bank holiday though.

We go back to Ireland regularly. We bulk-book flights months in advance and get them for as little as £15 each return. Our Christmas travel was booked months ago

Our car hire is about £30 a day when booked in advance but we know people who keep a car at a friends house near the airport and collect it when they land, as it works out cheaper than hiring each time

CecilyP · 11/08/2016 09:05

And in if OP's plan went ahead, surely her DH would sometimes have to travel at peak periods. In fact rather more often than just going once for the summer holidays.

juneau · 11/08/2016 09:49

I'm sorry OP, I think YABVU. Your DH and DC are happy and settled where you are. Your DH has a good job (and in this financial climate that's not something to be sneezed at). Who's unhappy? You. Just you. You seem to have this obsessive, rose-tinted view of life back in rural Ireland and you're utterly fixated on it - to the point where you're wrecking your marriage in your attempts to get back to this imagined idyll.

I understand homesickness, I've lived OS myself and I know it can feel all-consuming at times, but I just can't see how this move will benefit your family. Yes, your DPs will benefit, as will your ILs, but what about your nuclear family, who should be your priority? Your DC may get a good education in Ireland, but do you think they'll stay there? Or will they, when the time comes to get a job, return to London - leaving you and your DH in Ireland on your own? And what about your poor DH - commuting back and forth every single week - separated from you and your DC for up to five out of every seven days? Your marriage is rocky now so what do you think that kind of separation will do to it? I'm guessing that you'll drift apart completely and while you settle into rural Irish life he'll be forever torn between his busy London life (which he clearly prefers), and this slow life you crave. If you want your marriage to survive I would think long and hard about this plan of yours, because to me it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I think you need to make your peace with where you are and resolve to spend x amount of time in Ireland every year and accept that that is the best compromise for everyone. Luckily Ireland is close, flights are cheap and you could go there once a month for the weekend if you want to. Rather than uproot everyone and risk everything that sounds by far the most sensible option. London or rural Ireland is such a stark choice - try and find a middle ground you can live with.

Comfortzone · 11/08/2016 09:57

Can you consider buying a holiday home or renting long term /6month let in Ireland to test the waters? Old be upheaval for kids and husband commuting but at least you'd know. oR can you spend every other weekend over there? That way you'd get time away from husband, he'd appreciate you more if you're away a lot and you'd get to see parents more & life over there without a huge outlay (depending on flight prices)

Angelasw · 12/08/2016 00:04

Hi Saza,
I hope you are feeling less anxious.
I'm from Dublin and came here in 1980, married 1990, children, etc

As Dublin changed and I was visiting my elderly mother, I had a crisis about being away. It all seemed so wonderful. However, not on and knew that and over time know it was all temporary. Here is home.

I understand you want to be near your parents. I'm not sure why you came here in the first place. Was it your choice? If yes, you have to realise that if you return it will eventually feel like 'is this it?'. If it wasn't your choice perhaps you have unresolved feelngs.
Whichever, I think it's better for you to stay and try spending as much time over there as much as possible. Most of the holidays for example, half terms, etc
Perhaps you could take trips on your own too. If you spend enough time there you might work through this yearning. It's not easy to go back - if your friends have not left, you will always be 'different', it's more about life experience.
London is awfully busy but it's brilliant too. I have noise and crowds, etc so rarely go into central London but there's lots of open space here and so many things to do. Transport is great too.

In rural Ireland, life could seem v ery limited and cut off after a while - not the dream you have in your head.

We sometimes think what might we do in later years - the bottom line is if you move out of London you'll never afford to move back so be careful...
So, we think we might move, but know in our hearts that's very unlikely.
Good luck but be careful what you wish for.

marymam · 04/02/2018 17:37

Hi Sara,

What did you decide to do. Am in same boat... exact same scenario!

laura65988 · 07/02/2018 20:10

So he is being unreasonable as he doesn't want to move and lose a very good job or take kids from all they have known and s very gd school with a very good education cause u want to move u are being unreasonable saying u myt divorce over is ridiculous have u even asked kids yeah they be near family but they have friends and a school they love to meet you r demand ure husband is right if he doesn't want to uproot his life then how do u think it's acceptable to say he's in the wrong to not do this and if you're willing to break up ure family to be closure to your family then u're priority is all wrong ure being demanding that he must go with what you want when you don't seem to want to listen to his sometimes we do what our family want and put our feelings aside for and visit ure parents if it's that u miss go visit Ireland when u're husband is retiring and the kids have left move back to Ireland but then u w miss ure kids who will have there own kids

Snowysky20009 · 07/02/2018 20:15

Aggghhhh ZOMBIE thread! Why people, why????

LaurieMarlow · 07/02/2018 20:26

For the benefit of mary rather than the original OP, we moved back to Dublin from London 2 years ago. We both ostensibly wanted it (DH more so that me) but it's been incredibly hard to adjust back.

We had a good life in London. There have been a lot of frustrations in coming back home and I'm not sure we'd do it if we had our time again. We're also not alone in this. Lots of people we know coming back from uk, Australia, Canada feel the same.

So be careful not to rose tint it. Now that we're here 2 years it's a lot better, but the first year back was brutal.

marymam · 24/03/2019 21:20

I always wondered what you decided to do. Have just revisited this thread as we have decided to eventually move after lots of compromise. Hope it has worked out for you. The gra never leaves. Xx

Car001 · 21/08/2019 16:28

I completely understand

Car001 · 21/08/2019 16:35

I am in the very same position. I want to move back to Ireland and have longed to for years now as we have 2 kids. I miss the culture, family, old friends, etc. Home is where the heart is and all that.

I want my kids to grow up with there cousins so that when we're old they will have there support.

Also with brexit looming here maybe the UK isn't as stable as it was years ago job wise.

Don't give up on your dream, I am not.

SavingSpaces2019 · 21/08/2019 17:30

i'm amazed you want to move your dc there!
My city has had a huge influx of Irish people in their early 20's move here because of the shite job and housing situation in Ireland.

Why don't you move back there on your own - and commute to the UK to see your dc on the weekends like you expect their father to?

Madfrogs · 21/08/2019 17:38

ZOMBIE

Car001 · 21/08/2019 19:32

Wow! Understanding....

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