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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DH taking DS abroad?

300 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 12:42

I have got a week off work in October where me, DS, my mom and my sister's two children are going to Butlins for 5 days. My husband can't come as he is a teacher and it is outside of his school's half term.

Today, whilst chatting to DH he said he wanted to take DS abroad during his 1/2 term week. I thought he was joking at first and I was going along with it, joking about how much I would love the peace and quiet etc but it turns out he's completely serious.

DS will be 2yr 7m at the time of the trip.

DH is planning on going to Spain for 5 nights and is currently researching the best places to go. I know I can't stop them going but AIBU for being so upset about it?

I'm not upset about them going on holiday without me, I just can't bear the thought of how much I'm going to miss DS.

When I realised DH was being serious I actually had tears in my eyes at the thought of being away from DS for so long, especially with him being in a different country.

DS is very attached to me and DH thinks it will be beneficial to DS to have some time away from me, to help his confidence or independence or whatever reason DH came up with, but I don't know if I will be able to cope. I keep having these visions of DS wanting me and crying for me and me not being there to comfort him.

I can't tell if I'm being seriously irrational or whether this is a completely normal motherly reaction to the thought of being separated from my toddler for so long?

OP posts:
Rainbowunicorn73 · 06/08/2016 10:33

Glad you've reached a decision!! I'm quite surprised that some of the replies have been a bit in the harsh side. Your feelings are completely natural and normal and don't need to be minimised or hidden from your oh. You've decided to let them go which shows that you trust oh and are putting ds needs above your own. It was a tricky decision Smile

Regarding "I'm sure I'll hate every minute"
Please don't approach it with that mindset or you will end up having a miserable few days. Make a list of things you haven't done since before ds was born, or things you don't often get the opportunity to do. Then spend your five days having fun.
When ds comes back he'll be keen to tell you about his holiday and you'll be refreshed and ready to be super mum again Wink

Lelloteddy · 06/08/2016 10:33

Christ almighty.
OP your anxieties and feelings are completely normal. I think it's odd and unreasonable for your DH to want to take such a small child so far away.
But you are not hysterical, over anxious or irrational.
God forbid that any of the menz don't get their own way Hmm

There is nothing to stop him from booking a great holiday a couple of hours down the road. And to the idiots who say that you could get to Spain faster than you could drive to any part of mainland UK, get a grip.

SanityClause · 06/08/2016 10:41

A friend of DS was never allowed to go on school residential trips in junior school, because his father would worry too much.

That would always make me a bit cross, because it wasn't about what was good for the son, it was about what was good for the father. The worrying was the father's problem, but he would rather the son missed out, so he didn't have to experience a feeling of worry.

I think this is similar. From your posts, you are not concerned about DH being able to look after DS, but how you will feel about DS being so far.

It's not rational, and it's all about you.

I get that this is hard for you, but are you really going to begrudge them a few days in the sun, because of an irrational feeling you have?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 10:43

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. I genuinely don't feel that my reaction is abnormal, I imagine most mothers (except on MN) would feel as upset/anxious at the thought of their toddler being in a different country to them for 5 days for the first time. He's never been away from me for more than 48 hours, and I find that hard enough even in the knowledge that he's at home with his dad. The thought of him being so far away for 5 days is really difficult for me. It's not because I don't trust my DH, it's purely because I will miss him so much and I don't feel comfortable with him being such a distance from me.

However, I've told DH that I'm fine (little white lie) with him taking DS away but he seems reluctant to believe me.

He said the only reason he's doing it is to give me a break and because it makes no difference to him whether he goes or not he isn't going to push me in to it if I don't feel 100% OK about it.

He's told me to take some more time to think about it and I've told him I've done nothing but think about it for 24 hours. I've explained that I'm never going to be 100% OK about it but that I still want them to go. I have told him that if he gives me more time to think about it I will probably go crazy and instead he should just book it so that I know it's definitely happening and then I can accept it and mentally prepare myself.

The flights he is considering mean they will leave on a Monday night and then come back on the Saturday night.

It's just a nightmare because reading the MN posts I can see both sides of the argument but whilst my brain is saying I should be fine with them going away my heart is screaming, "Are you mad??!!"

Well I've told DH that I'm fine (sort of) with him taking DS away but he seems reluctant now to believe me.

He said the only reason he's doing it is to give me a break and because it makes no difference to him whether he goes or not he isn't going to push me in to it if I don't feel 100% OK about it.

He's told me to take some more time to think about it and I've told him I've done nothing but think about it for 24 hours and I'm never going to be 100% OK about it but that I still want them to go. I have told him that he gives me more time to think about it I will probably go crazy and instead he should just book it so that I know it's definitely happening and then I can accept it mentally prepare myself.

The flights he is considering mean they will leave on a Monday night and then come back on the Saturday night.

It's just a nightmare because reading the MN posts I can totally see both sides of the argument and whilst my brain is saying I should be fine with them going away my heart is screaming, "Are you mad??!!"

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 06/08/2016 10:44

Ps agree with Cel about gaslighting! I have had CBT for anxiety (panic attacks) and it is nothing like normal maternal care for a toddler!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 10:45

Ps) not sure why it double posted.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 10:46

What I would never do is tell a parent who was comfortable with it that they were selfish and need to get a grip on themselves because they clearly weren't bonded with their child, or that I felt sorry for their significant other having to deal with their selfishness

I hope that reply isn't to me nicki, because I haven't said any of those things. And neither have I, or anyone else from what I've read, implied the OP has mental health problems. Please do report any post that has.

Italiangreyhound · 06/08/2016 10:58

Rainbow unicorn great idea about the list.

Lolloteddy, very true.

Sanity schools do not usually do residential trips until kids are year 5 or even year 6; that is age 9, 10 or even 11. How is that the same as a child if under 3?

Italiangreyhound · 06/08/2016 11:07

I think he has changes his mind! IMHO he doesn't really fancy 5 says alone with son in Spain.

MAYBE give him an escape route and suggest maybe two night away fairly local without you, IF YOU are ok with that, and then all go to Spain another time.

madgingermunchkin · 06/08/2016 11:14

I don't think he's changed his mind, I think he's just astute enough to realise that his wife isn't ok with it, will worry herself silly about it, and then spend the week away stressing and hold it against him.

It's one of those "I'm going to tell him it's fine and want him to work out I'm totally not ok with it" moments.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 06/08/2016 11:20

The reality is that despite women saying they want equal parenting, what they really want is for men to do more housework whilst they are still the preferred and default parent.

I don't think the OP is wrong for wanting these things but I think threads like this make it clear that most women's parenting martyrdom is self inflicted.

TheStoic · 06/08/2016 11:45

I don't think the OP is wrong for wanting these things but I think threads like this make it clear that most women's parenting martyrdom is self inflicted.

I completely agree.

SanityClause · 06/08/2016 11:54

I didn't say it was, italian. I was saying he wouldn't let his son go, because of the worry it would cause him. He was putting his needs before his son's.

Italiangreyhound · 06/08/2016 12:03

Sanity were you implying it was the same for op, mum to an under 3 year old as a das of a ten year old?

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 06/08/2016 12:03

The reality is that despite women saying they want equal parenting, what they really want is for men to do more housework whilst they are still the preferred and default parent.

And to be financed in most cases.

Men are seen as inferior parents simply as they can't carry the child in the first place. It's quite telling that it's ok to tell the father his child will be away for five days but heaven forbid he do the same.

LuchiMangsho · 06/08/2016 12:05

To the poster who charmingly called me an 'idiot' for pointing out that distance is clearly not a factor. Did you note where I said where I live Paris is closer than Edinburgh? As I said earlier if your irrational fears mean you don't want your kid to go then that's fine. Just say so. Just say 'it is my anxiety that makes this impossible.' Please don't make this out to be some superior act of motherhood that us more negligent mothers would not understand.

What is interesting is that the OP hasn't said that her son might be distressed. He might (and most certainly) will be fine. It is the OP who is anxious, the OP who is worrying, the OP who has imposed some crazy geographical boundary on her husband (while taking the child away herself). Just admit the hypocrisy, the double standards and own it. Don't let him go, that's your choice (and your DH seems amenable to catering to the anxiety), but be honest at least to yourself why. Stop making it seem that the poor DH is being unreasonable.

Italiangreyhound · 06/08/2016 12:11

Wanting a very young child not to be away from their mother is not irrational. Saying irrational a lot doesn't make it so.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 12:11

Sometimes I think that women are naturally the default parent, not because they choose to be but simply that's the way it works out. We carry them, we deliver them, we breast feed them (sometimes) and we have long maternity leave with them so it's natural that some women may have a different kind of bond with them than their dad does.

I don't love DS more than DH loves him, I just think it's a different kind of love.

It isn't parenting martyrdom it's just an innate desire to keep our young ones close and safe.

OP posts:
LuchiMangsho · 06/08/2016 12:13

This is not a baby. This is a child who in 4 months could be in nursery. Child is with a parent. Who the mother admits is a fab hands on parent. The mother doesn't object to the child being away. The mother herself has been away. The mother objects to some weird geographical limitation. Based on that, it is irrational. It lacks logic.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 12:13

luchi - when have I ever not said it's not about my anxiety? I wasn't aware I had implied otherwise?

And I also really wish people would stop saying that a two hour drive to Butlins is the same as my DH taking DS abroad.

OP posts:
LuchiMangsho · 06/08/2016 12:14

Everyone wants to keep them safe and close. That is entirely normal. Doesn't mean that when there is a lovely opportunity you can't make a rational decision that puts those emotions on the back burner.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 12:14

Luchi - he's already in nursery and has been since 10 months of age.

OP posts:
LuchiMangsho · 06/08/2016 12:16

In this thread you have talked about geography. Then about accidents. Then about whether DH would have a good time. You have tried every possible way to dissuade him and convince us that your decision to not let them go is reasonable. If you accepted that there would be no need for a long MN thread trying to justify yourself.

SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 12:16

I don't love DS more than DH loves him, I just think it's a different kind of love.

In what way is it different, OP?

LuchiMangsho · 06/08/2016 12:16

Even better!

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