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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DH taking DS abroad?

300 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 12:42

I have got a week off work in October where me, DS, my mom and my sister's two children are going to Butlins for 5 days. My husband can't come as he is a teacher and it is outside of his school's half term.

Today, whilst chatting to DH he said he wanted to take DS abroad during his 1/2 term week. I thought he was joking at first and I was going along with it, joking about how much I would love the peace and quiet etc but it turns out he's completely serious.

DS will be 2yr 7m at the time of the trip.

DH is planning on going to Spain for 5 nights and is currently researching the best places to go. I know I can't stop them going but AIBU for being so upset about it?

I'm not upset about them going on holiday without me, I just can't bear the thought of how much I'm going to miss DS.

When I realised DH was being serious I actually had tears in my eyes at the thought of being away from DS for so long, especially with him being in a different country.

DS is very attached to me and DH thinks it will be beneficial to DS to have some time away from me, to help his confidence or independence or whatever reason DH came up with, but I don't know if I will be able to cope. I keep having these visions of DS wanting me and crying for me and me not being there to comfort him.

I can't tell if I'm being seriously irrational or whether this is a completely normal motherly reaction to the thought of being separated from my toddler for so long?

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 07:43

I've re-read the whole thread and although I still have reservations I'm just going to let them go.

I'm having a nice lie-in whilst DH is downstairs with DS and I can hear them chatting away and singing together and I know that DS will be absolutely fine with DH for 5 days without me. I know I'm going to find it really hard but I'm not going to stop them going. I'm sure I will hate every minute of him being away but that's my issue.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 06/08/2016 07:44

Sorry YABVU. He should do this. It's a good thing.

angrydwarf · 06/08/2016 07:44

Interesting thread this. Although YABU, in a way I think YANBU as you are open and honest about your feelings and acknowledge that those feelings are a bit unreasonable.

First of all, I would let them go. Harness your control freak, you husband is officially a professional at organising kids in foreign countries. He sounds great and be careful, nice as he is being about it, no matter how understanding he seems, your reaction here is basically telling him he is not as important a parent as you.

The abroad/not abroad is really all in your head. It will make no difference in terms of any separation anxiety. Except in your head, but as the adult, you probably just need to deal with this. And why shouldn't your DH get to choose where to take him? These days a foreign trip isn't necessarily more expensive and your son will have so much fun. The plane, lovely sunny beach/pool. Seeing new things. He is also plenty old enough to understand he is in another country and have a chat about it.

The emergency thing is silly, and I think you know that. What if you were with them and all involved in an accident, would that be any better? Make sure they have all important docs and insurance and forget about it.

The only thing on the other side is of course breastfeeding. But you indicate in OP that you are ready to stop so perhaps this would be the ideal break.

And for those expressing incredulity at you taking holidays without your DH, what is this the 1950s?! My DH and I have done this for years due to incompatible holidays from work, but we do also holiday together when possible. And even with the kids now, it's great to be able to give each other a break. I can't wait until our youngest is big enough that he will take them both. (Also something to think about if you are planning another, my DH is a lot less keen to take 2 of them away solo than he was with 1).

Do let them go. And plan nice stuff for yourself outside work to keep busy/distracted.

pudcat · 06/08/2016 07:46

I have already said he is a PE teacher so does the annual skiing trip but also goes on the school trips to Europe to supervise the male teenagers. Part of his role in his current job is the organisation of all school trips abroad. Gosh still seems a lot of trips in 2.5 years or when your DS has been old enough to have missed him. Oh to have been a PE teacher instead of primary. I am jealous now lol.

saffronwblue · 06/08/2016 07:46

I would have found this difficult with a do at this age as well. If you are still breastfeeding him will this trip lead to enforced weaning ? Is this partly why you feel so emotional about it? The timing of finishing feeding should be led by you and dc not your dh's holiday schedule.
It is a good idea for you and ds to get used to spending time apart but this seems like a drastic first step. I would suggest a 3 day trip a bit closer to home for their first dad and son holiday. If it goes well then next time could be longer and further afield. Your dh sounds like a good one.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 07:54

pudcat - he goes away with the school about 2-3 times a year. To be fair, when I hear some of the tales about the behaviours of the teenagers I think he'd rather teach at Primary Grin

angrydwarf - thank you for your rational reply.

saffron - I have been ready to stop BF'ing for a few months now but have never quite found a way to do it so maybe this well enforce it? Mind you, I said it would be Sod's Law he'd come back and just want to be permanently attached Grin

OP posts:
angrydwarf · 06/08/2016 08:07

Just saw your update as I missed it when I posted.

Well done! Don't minimise your feelings, it's ok to admit you will struggle with it but bloody well done on overcoming it and realising it's no reason to stop them. I hope they have a fantastic time and you have a lovely break Smile

roundaboutthetown · 06/08/2016 08:56

I hope they have fun. At least you know your dh is an expert at foreign holiday planning and risk assessment!

SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 09:10

Great outcome, OP Smile

LunaLoveg00d · 06/08/2016 09:32

I still have reservations I'm just going to let them go.

The language about this is still all wrong - "letting" one parent, who has as much right to time as the other go on holiday. OP wouldn't say her husband was "letting" her take her son away with his cousins.

OP - you need to get a handle on your anxieties. Millions of children go abroad every year with parents and the number who end up in A&E or with some other disaster befalling them is miniscule - especially when they are with a competent adult who is well aware of risks. This worry about not getting to a child in an emergency is not a reasonable thing to worry about - reasonable things to worry about would be sunburn or falling in a pool.

I feel very sorry for the husband in all of this. Poor guy.

NickiFury · 06/08/2016 09:43

I feel very sorry for the husband in all of this. Poor guy.

Why exactly? What's happening to him that you are so worried about him?

snapcrap · 06/08/2016 09:45

I agree with Luna.

I sympathise OP as you can't help how you feel.

But your son is not 'yours'. He has two parents. It is OTT to feel this level of anxiety over him going away for 5 days and I do think you should think about that and try to get a hold of this anxiety before it transfers on to your son. Also your dh could become (legitmately) resentful of your attitude.

I'd try some CBT, there are actually some great apps these days that are really helpful!

I hope your ds and dh have a great time.

NickiFury · 06/08/2016 09:51

But she hasn't said anything about not trusting her husband or that she doesn't view him as an equal parent, just that she will miss her son and is worried about being so far away from him AND she's not even letting it stop her, as suburbanrhonda said - a great outcome. Honestly I think some people just read what they want to read on here and then use it as an excuse to keep ranting on.

LunaLoveg00d · 06/08/2016 09:53

I feel sorry for the Dad as he is getting a really hard time from his wife about wanting to spend some time with his son. If I were him, I'd be thinking that my wife didn't trust me, or think I wasn't "good enough" to take the child away, and that she thinks the Dad is playing second fiddle to her and her son.

It's not his fault that his wife is over-anxious and a bit neurotic about all of this and is trying to make him feel guilty about wanting to go.

MarcelineTheVampire · 06/08/2016 09:53

OP I completely understand and I don't think you're being OTT at all- i would be exactly the same (or worse because I would veto the idea).

My DD loves her daddy but I am the primary carer and she would be upset if I wasn't there for 5 days. In order to be independent children need to feel secure that their primary carer (whether male or female) will be there, so IMO YANBU.

SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 09:55

Actually I do think it's a great outcome but I think the OP has a lot of work to do on her anxieties and her perception of risk.

Cel982 · 06/08/2016 09:55

It is OTT to feel this level of anxiety over him going away for 5 days and I do think you should think about that and try to get a hold of this anxiety before it transfers on to your son

Stop gaslighting a mother who doesn't want to be separated from her breastfed toddler for 5 days. This is perfectly normal and healthy. What is not normal is enforced separation of a mother and young child, as so many here seem to be advocating against all understanding of infant psychology.

OP, if you're happy to let them go then that's great. If you're not, then that's fine too. Your husband sounds very understanding. FWIW, my daughter is the same age, is breastfed and has never been away from me overnight.

NickiFury · 06/08/2016 09:56

I feel sorry for the Dad as he is getting a really hard time from his wife about wanting to spend some time with his son

But he isn't at all. They're communicating about something that is worrying one half of the couple and have come to a good outcome.

OP, hope all have a great time on their respective holidays. First time is always the hardest, you'll find it much easier after that and your DH being so understanding about your worries has probably made it much easier Smile

NickiFury · 06/08/2016 10:01

Actually I do think it's a great outcome but I think the OP has a lot of work to do on her anxieties and her perception of risk.

And many on here disagree with that and think it's perfectly normal to feel this way. It's not on to keep forcing a mother to believe there's something wrong with her for expressing her discomfort about being away from her child for the first time just because that's not how you personally would feel.

Agree cel with the gas lighting thing and am disgusted at people haranguing the OP just for feeling differently than they would.

MarcelineTheVampire · 06/08/2016 10:03

Cel982 you've hit the nail on the head there. Completely agree with the gas lighting.

SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 10:07

I didn't say how I would personally feel, nicki, so you're wrong there. I haven't said anything about my own situation because it's irrelevant to this thread.

What I think is that her level of anxiety and perception of risk about her DH taking his own child on holiday, with his wealth of experience of travelling abroad with children, is disproportionate.

madgingermunchkin · 06/08/2016 10:15

I don't understand how you admit that your son gets upset when he doesn't see his dad for a few days, yet you're happy to taking him away knowing he gets upset. But then try and use it as a "reason" for your husband not to take him? Of course he doesn't know how he reacts when he's away, so this will be a good opportunity for him to see the other side.

And You probably won't like this, but my mother was our main carer, yet in a crisis, she was blooming useless and it was dad that took control and sorted everything. If something had happened abroad, I'd rather it have been with him than with her.

NickiFury · 06/08/2016 10:17

And I disagree. I think it's perfectly natural to have worries about the first time you're separated in a different country from your child.

What I would never do is tell a parent who was comfortable with it that they were selfish and need to get a grip on themselves because they clearly weren't bonded with their child, or that I felt sorry for their significant other having to deal with their selfishness, because that's the flip side of what's happening on this thread, I wouldn't even think it.

It's completely and utterly wrong to keep on and on attacking a mother and implying she has mental health issues or is in danger of developing them in the future, for a perfectly NORMAL response towards being away from her child - a situation that she has asked and taken advice for and that is going ahead!

user1468166567 · 06/08/2016 10:22

YABVU

You husband cave go with you to Butlins, and misses out on a week with your DS so why shouldn't he get a week with him? Why's it ok for you to take him away and not your DH?

Italiangreyhound · 06/08/2016 10:26

I've not read all the comments, but have read some.

I see you've decided to let them go, which should be fine.

But for the record you have every right to object. I'm pretty dd at that age had not spent one night away from me and I am sure would have found it very hard being away from me for 5 days. And I from her.

In many families dad is away from kids a lot more than mum is, and in your case your Dh has been away for a week at a time without little one.

Yes, it being abroad is more of a big deal. People who tell you it is not are just wrong.
If they were down the road or half way up the country it might be different in terms of joining them if you were able to.

Yes, both parents should agree on trips for child away over night.

If it were me I'd get the time off work and go too.

A toddler doesn't need 5 days away from mum just to learn to be away from mum! He is not 10 and refusing to go on a school trip! What crap!

I'd also, in the nicest possible way, suggest Dh takes ds to a not too far away Premier Inn or B a B for one or two nights to see how they both 'handle it' before committing to Spain.

The fact he is a great dad and looks after teenagers may mean all goes well or it does not, who knows.

Op you have every night to tell your Dh if you are not comfortable with the plans. But if you are now comfortable with it insted, that's great too.

Hope all works out well.