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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DH taking DS abroad?

300 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 12:42

I have got a week off work in October where me, DS, my mom and my sister's two children are going to Butlins for 5 days. My husband can't come as he is a teacher and it is outside of his school's half term.

Today, whilst chatting to DH he said he wanted to take DS abroad during his 1/2 term week. I thought he was joking at first and I was going along with it, joking about how much I would love the peace and quiet etc but it turns out he's completely serious.

DS will be 2yr 7m at the time of the trip.

DH is planning on going to Spain for 5 nights and is currently researching the best places to go. I know I can't stop them going but AIBU for being so upset about it?

I'm not upset about them going on holiday without me, I just can't bear the thought of how much I'm going to miss DS.

When I realised DH was being serious I actually had tears in my eyes at the thought of being away from DS for so long, especially with him being in a different country.

DS is very attached to me and DH thinks it will be beneficial to DS to have some time away from me, to help his confidence or independence or whatever reason DH came up with, but I don't know if I will be able to cope. I keep having these visions of DS wanting me and crying for me and me not being there to comfort him.

I can't tell if I'm being seriously irrational or whether this is a completely normal motherly reaction to the thought of being separated from my toddler for so long?

OP posts:
madgingermunchkin · 06/08/2016 01:01

As someone who grew up in the arse end of nowhere, with seriously iffy phone signal, I can tell you it would be a hell of a lot easier for you to get to your son abroad than it would to some parts of the UK.

He's 2.5 years not 2.5 months and he'll be with his father. YABU

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 01:01

Anyway, I'm heading off to bed now. My lovely DS will be up for the day in 4.5 hours Grin

Thanks everyone for your comments and thoughts, I'm going to re-read the whole thread again tomorrow with a clear mind and see if it helps me come to a decision.

OP posts:
LuchiMangsho · 06/08/2016 01:01

But the partner isn't distressing anyone. There is nothing distressing about making holiday plans with one's kid. Imagine if I wanted to take my child home (10 hours by flight btw) to see my ageing parents who can't come to the UK anymore because they are too old to travel. And DH said no. I suspect most of MN would say screw your DH, go see your parents!

AbyssinianBanana · 06/08/2016 01:09

Well the OP wrote a post to the big wide Internet that sounded pretty distressed to me. "Upset" in her title was my clue. But that's just me reading rather than projecting.

Whathaveilost · 06/08/2016 01:15

So YOU will make a decision after your sleep.

It's still all about you !
Selfish mother!

NickiFury · 06/08/2016 01:57

Why are you being so angry and aggressive what? Are you pissed? I hope so otherwise I have to say I think it's a bit weird to be quite so attacking towards a random on the internet talking about a not particularly controversial or unusual situation that doesn't affect you personally, in the slightest.

Whathaveilost · 06/08/2016 02:17

Nickfury. Am I heck pissed. I've not had a drink since a week last Thursday!
I'm not attacking as such but maybe I spend too much time on MN listening to mum's bleating about the way that nobody else, especially their husbands ( and the child's other parent) can look after a child.
They make themselves the be all and end all in the child's live and seem to think that neither the child or themselves would survive if they have to be apart for a few days.
Ok, it's only my opinion but I feel that in most instances BOTH parents can parent away from home with no ill affect.

Of course one parent may miss the child when away but the OP seems very controlling..Its like its her way or nothing and DH and DS's fate is in her hands.
The OP seems resentful that the DH may be on a 'jolly' while she is working. I think 'why not?' Get in as many breaks, holidays , good expierence so as you can with your children

If I pulled a tune like that on DH he would wonder what the hell was up with me, as indeed I would if he started with so much angst , controlling shit.

If this post doesn't flow and make sense, it's not due to alcohol as suggested but due to the fact I can't find my specs and I'm relaying on auto correct , which is never good!!

NickiFury · 06/08/2016 02:28

See I think you've extrapolated hugely and are getting angry and attacking about stuff the OP hasn't even said, maybe you should read her posts again (if you can find your specs Wink). I think calling her "selfish" and "controlling" for not wanting to conduct her parenting and relationships in the way you seem to be holding up as the ideal is really out of order to be honest.

Whathaveilost · 06/08/2016 02:35

The thing is I'm not angry.
I'm just fed up of reading about mum's who can't stand the thought of being away from their children who is in the capable hands of their other parent. It's as if, as I said before, they are the only ones that can look after the children properly.
Sure I used to miss my kids when they went away without me but I knew their dad could do everything I could, even deal with an emergency should it rise. Why should the children miss out on 1:1 time wth dad because mum gets a bit upset. I'm my mind that is selfish.

NickiFury · 06/08/2016 02:38

And that's how YOU like to do things, but it doesn't mean everyone should and I don't think it's on to be ranting and swearing at the OP because you're fed up with reading other posts with similar subject matter. Not exactly in keeping with the supposed supportive ethos of MN is it? Maybe you need to take a break?

BitOutOfPractice · 06/08/2016 06:12

Of course her feelings count. But they don't trump everyone else's.

Huldra · 06/08/2016 06:36

Yabu
You are taking ds away and then he will take ds away. It's ok to miss him of course but in the nicest possible way you have to get on with it Smile I'm sure your ds wil miss you too and that is also ok.

TheStoic · 06/08/2016 06:43

It's ok to miss him, but it's not ok to curtail his experiences because you'll miss him.

I think you will hold on tight to the very few posters here who think you are justified in telling your husband not to go. Maybe a compromise could work where you allow your husband to do this in a year or two.

And yes, it is about you 'allowing' it.

AbyssinianBanana · 06/08/2016 06:44

Whattheveil, You not being able to empathise with OPs feelings on this issue has really clouded your understanding. It's not about how capable her DH is taking care of the child. It's about how she feels about being away from her child. You coped - good for you. When I went away from my child first time - I didn't. My child coped much better than me but it wasn't fun for either of us. If we couldn't avoided it, we would have. So fucking what that you coped and I didn't. It means fuck all.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 06:47

Thanks nicki

bitoutofpractice - no my feelings don't trump anyone else's and so based on that my DH's feelings don't trump mine either and that's why we are trying to find a compromise.

It's just a very hard decision to make. Part of me really wants them to go and have a good time but another part of me just feels so uneasy about it all.

When DH goes abroad for work our DS is usually ok at first but after 3 days or so he suddenly becomes aware that he hasn't seen his dad for a long time and gets quite anxious about it. If he hears someone knock on the door he starts shouting "daddy, daddy" excitedly, really wanting it to be his dad. The same goes if he hears the letter box go or my phone starts to ring. The worst is definitely when it's the front door though as DS is obviously disappointed when he sees it isn't his dad. DS can be distracted when he keeps asking for his dad but it's clear the separation affects/confuses him and he also gets very clingy. Sometimes DH goes abroad for a Stag Do or a Sporting event which isn't so bad as it's usually only for 3 days and so by the time DS starts asking for him he's home again, but any longer length of time apart does affect him.

As I know how DS reacts to separation I do worry how he will be when he's away from me for 5 days and I don't like the thought of him being upset about it and asking for me and me not being able to do anything about it.

I don't think my husband realises how the short time apart may affect DS as obviously he's never seen how DS has reacted when DH goes abroad for a period of time.

My DH has said he's happy to take him or he's happy to stay here because he doesn't want me to be sitting at home upset about being so far away from DS.

If they do go I completely believe my DH when he says he will come home earlier if needed if he think DS is struggling with the separation which does make me feel a bit better. I think that work would keep me distracted from thinking about it too as I will be too busy to worry about what they're up to. Plus, it would be nice to have 5 good nights sleep.

I think I'm just going to have to talk myself into being ok with them going.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 06/08/2016 06:51

I think I'm just going to have to talk myself into being ok with them going

I don't think that's a good idea.

If something unfortunate DID happen, unlikely as it is, I don't think you would ever forgive your husband. I think he probably knows that now too.

pudcat · 06/08/2016 06:55

When DH goes abroad for work our DS is usually ok at first but after 3 days or so he suddenly becomes aware that he hasn't seen his dad for a long time and gets quite anxious about it. What sort of teacher is your DH that he has been abroad for work a few times in 2.5 years or while your DS has been old enough to know he is not there?

Evergreen17 · 06/08/2016 06:55

I used to go abroad with my dad as mum was a teacher. I loved it.

I was very happy staying with family and not seeing my parents for days too.

I think maybe it could be a good idea to look into why you can't be without DS for 5 days, it is a bit concerning.

Huldra · 06/08/2016 07:00

Is it worth drawing up a few mental lists?

If child has to visit doctor for few stitches, I wouldn't rush off.
If chiild is in hospital for a few days with bag diarrhoea or broken bone I wouldn't rush off. Nothing I can do and the will be home before I could get there.
Serious accident, well drop everything and go out.

What will their break be like on a day to day basis?
4 days in Wales in a mobile home.
Being able to swim outside, play on the beach, stay up later outside.
If my child is missing me how will they be busiest and easily distracted?

I'm on a 6 week jolly with my kids atm, 4 of the without my husband Blush

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 07:02

pudcat - I have already said he is a PE teacher so does the annual skiing trip but also goes on the school trips to Europe to supervise the male teenagers. Part of his role in his current job is the organisation of all school trips abroad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 07:05

If something unfortunate DID happen, unlikely as it is, I don't think you would ever forgive your husband. I think he probably knows that now too.

It's more that I would never forgive myself for not being there with him.

I'm fine with being away from DS, I'm just not fine with him being so far away.

OP posts:
TimeforaNNChange · 06/08/2016 07:08

OP Your reasoning has been very inconsistent on this thread - I do think you need to explore your feelings in more detail.

First, it was that you'll miss your DS as it was too long a period to be apart
Then, it was that you'll miss him because it's too far away, and that a uk break would be OK
Next, you said you weren't happy cos you couldn't get to your DS quickly in an emergency
Now, it's worry that your DS will miss you.

I understand you have an underlying "disquiet" about your DHs idea - but before reacting, I think you need to spend some time examining "why" - and only then deciding if you are happy to put your feelings (whatever they are) ahead of your DHs.

chipmonkey · 06/08/2016 07:10

I think you are being a little bit U.

Yes, it would be a bit more difficult to get to ds in an emergency. But the chances of there being an emergency are tiny. The most likely scenario is that dh and dsis will go to Spain, have a lovely holiday and come home again.

Of course you will miss him. Ds4 is away with my Mum at the moment, he's eight and I still miss him! But he's having a lovely time with my Mum and I'll see him on Monday.

Your sister saying she wouldn't let you take her kids abroad is not the same thing. Ds would be with his Dad, who sees him daily, not an aunt and granny.

The "life experience" thing is BS though. He's two, he won't remember a thing.

Oh and I wouldn't depend on him giving up BF. Ds3 and ds4 were both BF till over two, I left them several times for 2-3 days and they always latched straight back on as soon as they saw me!

BitOutOfPractice · 06/08/2016 07:27

You talk at length about your ds bring distressed when he doesn't see his dad, yet you're taking him away from his dad for 5 days without a qualm.

This is all about your feelings op and in typical aibu fashion,, the more people disagree, the more you're digging your heels in and finding more reasons why you're right.

TimeforaNNChange · 06/08/2016 07:40

It's more that I would never forgive myself for not being there with him.

Oh, and this feeling never goes away, in my experience - whether they are 2, or 22.