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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DH taking DS abroad?

300 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 12:42

I have got a week off work in October where me, DS, my mom and my sister's two children are going to Butlins for 5 days. My husband can't come as he is a teacher and it is outside of his school's half term.

Today, whilst chatting to DH he said he wanted to take DS abroad during his 1/2 term week. I thought he was joking at first and I was going along with it, joking about how much I would love the peace and quiet etc but it turns out he's completely serious.

DS will be 2yr 7m at the time of the trip.

DH is planning on going to Spain for 5 nights and is currently researching the best places to go. I know I can't stop them going but AIBU for being so upset about it?

I'm not upset about them going on holiday without me, I just can't bear the thought of how much I'm going to miss DS.

When I realised DH was being serious I actually had tears in my eyes at the thought of being away from DS for so long, especially with him being in a different country.

DS is very attached to me and DH thinks it will be beneficial to DS to have some time away from me, to help his confidence or independence or whatever reason DH came up with, but I don't know if I will be able to cope. I keep having these visions of DS wanting me and crying for me and me not being there to comfort him.

I can't tell if I'm being seriously irrational or whether this is a completely normal motherly reaction to the thought of being separated from my toddler for so long?

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 06/08/2016 18:43

If it is a state school then all the school trips are optional for staff.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 19:14

Because wth his father you think he will be unhappy and anxious and unable to enjoy the holiday....

Please quote me where I have said this?

The only things I have said is 1) I wouldn't like to think that DS would be upset and calling for me and me not being able to be there and 2) I would worry that DS would miss me.

I'm not sure how that equates to your statement?

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 19:15

Iggi - yes the trips are optional. DH likes to go, he organises most of them, but if in an instance he said he didn't want to go or he couldn't go then they'd just replace him with somebody else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 19:19

timeforanamechange

....during that time it's just me and DS and we always have a lovely time.

"I thought you said your DS gets distressed and misses his dad after a few days?"

He does miss his dad after a few days and he does ask for him but like I said, he's easily distracted. We still have a lovely time, it isn't as though he's wallowing Grin

And I know that's how it would be when they go abroad, I know he will miss me but I know DH can deal with that and DS will be fine. We will set up Skype before they go and use that to contact each other each day.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 06/08/2016 22:58

Sanity if you want to give an example of what (it seems me) you see as or perceive as selfish behaviour, then by comparing a parent of a child of 10 to a parent of a child of not yet three, to me it seems 'unhelpful'. What we allow kids of not yet 3 to do is very different to what we allow ten year olds to do.

So 'letting go' looks very different for a parent to not yet three year old or a parent to ten year old.

But I am sorry if I assumed too much on your part. Smile

Spanieleyes and Richardbucket shouldn't both parents agree to a trip abroad, so either could allow or not allow it!

Rhonda people have implied mental health issues, quite directly. And I gave feely admitted to anxiety, which I'd a mental health issue (and was sorted by CBT) and is nothing like normal maternal concerns.

I'd love to know if all those saying the op should be fine with this actually let their Dh take their under three year old overseas for five days!

Italiangreyhound · 06/08/2016 23:08

Ok whatever happens I hope it will go well. You are a completely normal, loving mum (from what I can see on here) and some posters are talking bollocks IMHO.

All the best.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/08/2016 11:10

Well after further thoughts and discussions I went begging to my boss to see if I could change my week of annual leave in order to match DH's week off and although they then had to go to their senior it was eventually authorised! So happy!!

So now we can go away together and nobody misses out Grin

I'm still shocked my bosses allowed it but I'm so grateful!!

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 09/08/2016 11:20

Id also be annoyed and upset op, but putely because im also doing the week at butlins with my children and parents and if dh took them abroad the following week id be seething with jealousy! Butlins is hard work! It is all go and draining! It isnt a holiday! The children LOVE it but i would much rather be sightseeing and relaxing in a warmer environment than skegness Grin

MaudGonneMad · 09/08/2016 11:24

Happy ending! Smile

trafalgargal · 09/08/2016 11:32

So you've cancelled the Butlins trip with your Mum and sister ?

trafalgargal · 09/08/2016 11:33

Seething with jealousy because the other parent is having a few days with the child and you can't go ? Who is the child again?

RhodaBorrocks · 09/08/2016 11:35

I'm a single Mum, so I get you when you say you're emotional, won't know what to do etc. I thought I'd be bereft the first time ExDP has DS for a week.

But you know what? It was fine! I caught up on work, I went to the cinema, late night museum exhibition, had a great takeaway DS would never touch, went for drinks with DSis, read books, watched grown up TV at 6pm, did some painting (art, not household), played computer games etc. It went so quickly and I enjoyed the time to myself. Then I was so happy when he came home.

The last few times ExDP has had him for that long I've been recovering from surgery, so not as much fun, but still nice to have a break to focus on me.

Not saying you won't miss him, that's not BU, but to say no to the trip because of your wants, that is a little bit unreasonable.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/08/2016 11:37

No I haven't, it's been booked for ages. DH has no problem with me going so why should I cancel it?

Besides - I don't think my mom would fancy looking after my sisters two children in her own, I'm not sure she'd be up for taking them on rides and taking them to the swimming parks.... Grin

OP posts:
SatsukiKusakabe · 09/08/2016 12:48

A holiday all together, what an unreasonable result. Your poor dh and ds they must be gutted Grin

What I've gathered from this thread is that mothers cannot ever put their own needs first, unless those needs are for solitude, nights out, or non-family related activities, and they cannot base decisions on their emotions, because their feelings matter less than their husband's. They must make sure everything they do is scrupulously equal, even if everyone prefers the alternative and no one is bothered. If their needs or wants coincide with spending time with their children and husband and they are assertive about that, they are selfish. If they experience any emotion other than breezy nonchalance when separated from their preschool children they need to see their GP. Trips abroad should be encouraged from toddlerhood or else they risk stifling their independence. All a bit weird.

Have a nice holiday Grin

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/08/2016 13:06

satsuki - a brilliant and funny response. I think you've summed up the thread very, very well Grin

OP posts:
YelloDraw · 09/08/2016 14:52

YABU
Who would deny their DH and child such a lovely experience when you are already doing the same thing FFS!
Mean.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/08/2016 15:15

My DH was only doing it because he wanted to give me a break. I said it wouldn't be an enjoyable break as I would miss DS and worry for the whole time so DH said he won't go then as he doesn't want to cause be unnecessary worry/stress etc. My husband said it makes no difference to him if they go or not so it isn't as though I'm denying them anything. DH wasn't doing it as he wanted alone time with DS but just because I thought I'd enjoy the break.

I'm not so sure what is so mean?

OP posts:
Trinpy · 09/08/2016 15:42

Well I think you're being a big meanie OP so...ner! Grin

Enjoy your holiday! I'm jealous...

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/08/2016 16:12

Will do Trinpy Smile

We're thinking of going to Euro Disney!!

A few days in EuroDisney as a family or 5 days of sitting at home in my own whilst feeding sad. It's no contest really Smile

OP posts:
CotswoldStrife · 09/08/2016 16:24

Your husband has been flexible in changing his plans and your employer has been flexible (which is good) over your holidays. And you've now got an extra holiday because you still intend to go away with your sister as well as the additional family holiday. Because you won't cancel your holiday?

As I said in my first post, I can understand you missing your son if he went away - I wouldn't like it either - but having said that your son misses his dad (even if he is distractable) I don't understand why you'd put him through that when you dreaded the thought yourself. If you start the trend of one parent and child holidays, it's likely at some point the other parent is going to want to do the same.

Nuggy2013 · 09/08/2016 16:32

I could have written this post a month ago. Since then, DH took DD to visit family in Spain for 3 nights. It has done wonders for our family dynamic and meant that I actually got a full nights sleep, chilled out and DD realised her dad can actually put her to bed etc without being solely reliant on me. Maybe negotiate 5 nights being too long as I would have freaked out at that but 3 worked out really well

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 09/08/2016 16:39

As I said in my first post, I can understand you missing your son if he went away - I wouldn't like it either - but having said that your son misses his dad (even if he is distractable) I don't understand why you'd put him through that when you dreaded the thought yourself

I dreaded the thought of my son being abroad because of how far away it is, not dreaded him being away from me in general, although that still will have been hard.

Plus, I'm not going away with my sister, I'm taking her children on holiday (with my mom coming too) because they otherwise don't get one.

OP posts:
Lelloteddy · 09/08/2016 16:45

What Satsuki said.

Hope you all have an ace holiday Smile

allowlsthinkalot · 09/08/2016 20:46

I would find it hard to have the children away for that long. I haven't been away from my lot for more than two nights (the oldest is nine!)...but I think YABU. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Doesn't make a difference whether you're an hour away or ten, if you can take your child away so can dh. Don't stand in the way if his relationship with his dad. I had a mum who did that and I haven't forgiven her.

Italiangreyhound · 09/08/2016 23:08

Great news. How fabulous.

Really enjoy your holiday.

How kind of you to take your sister's kids away so they can have a holiday. You sound very kind OP.

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