Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DH taking DS abroad?

300 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2016 12:42

I have got a week off work in October where me, DS, my mom and my sister's two children are going to Butlins for 5 days. My husband can't come as he is a teacher and it is outside of his school's half term.

Today, whilst chatting to DH he said he wanted to take DS abroad during his 1/2 term week. I thought he was joking at first and I was going along with it, joking about how much I would love the peace and quiet etc but it turns out he's completely serious.

DS will be 2yr 7m at the time of the trip.

DH is planning on going to Spain for 5 nights and is currently researching the best places to go. I know I can't stop them going but AIBU for being so upset about it?

I'm not upset about them going on holiday without me, I just can't bear the thought of how much I'm going to miss DS.

When I realised DH was being serious I actually had tears in my eyes at the thought of being away from DS for so long, especially with him being in a different country.

DS is very attached to me and DH thinks it will be beneficial to DS to have some time away from me, to help his confidence or independence or whatever reason DH came up with, but I don't know if I will be able to cope. I keep having these visions of DS wanting me and crying for me and me not being there to comfort him.

I can't tell if I'm being seriously irrational or whether this is a completely normal motherly reaction to the thought of being separated from my toddler for so long?

OP posts:
TuppencePenny · 06/08/2016 12:19

YANBU!

It sounds to me as though your DH is jealous of how your DS is clingy with you at the moment hence trying to stop that by removing him from you. It's not right because at only 2 years 7 months of course he's going to need and want his mum and your instincts are telling you that too. I am outraged on your behalf as a few days in Butlins does not equal a trip to Spain and you're going to feel terrible left behind. It sounds a bit "tit for tat" on your husbands behalf.

I think you need to be firm and say how you feel. You don't want to be away from DS for that long when he's so young and you're already upset at the thought of it. He's too young for it, it's not appropriate and he needs to rethink this idea. I wouldn't allow this if I were in your shoes. If he wants father and son time what about a series of days out?

spanieleyes · 06/08/2016 12:23

I wouldn't allow this

Crikey, i didn't realise one person controlled another!

SanityClause · 06/08/2016 12:29

No, italian, I wasn't. I was saying he was putting his needs first, in the way the OP is putting hers first.

What she objects to is not a five day holiday, but a five day holiday abroad.

She objects to it, not because she thinks her DH won't cope, but because she will miss her DS.

Part of being a parent is letting go. It's not easy; of course it's not!

SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 12:29

It sounds to me as though your DH is jealous of how your DS is clingy with you at the moment hence trying to stop that by removing him from you

This has got to be one of the most ridiculous statements I've ever read on MN.

NeedACleverNN · 06/08/2016 12:33

I agree Suburban

What is so wrong with a father having a relationship bond with his own son?

NickiFury · 06/08/2016 12:35

No rhonda none of my posts were directed at you, except the one where I quoted you. But you have said that the OP has or will have issues around anxiety that she needs to work on, which is your opinion only, not a fact and that does come under the umbrella of implying her responses are abnormal.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 12:40

DS and DH have a brilliant bond, they spend loads of times together just the two of them, they go on days out together, spend weekends together when I'm at work, DH does all the nursery pick ups and drops offs, sorts out packed lunches and evening meals, does bath times and bedtimes etc, everything that a hands on dad should do. DH is a brilliant dad and I would say our hands on care of DS is almost 50/50.

Sometimes I do think DH finds it hard how when DS is upset it hurt its always me he wants but at the age of two I imagine a lot of toddlers would run to their mom for comfort. My DH is perfectly capable of consoling DS but if we are both at home our DS would always come to me. As another has said, it isn't abnormal for toddlers to find comfort from one parent more than the other in different stages in their life.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 06/08/2016 13:00

But you have said that the OP has or will have issues around anxiety that she needs to work on, which is your opinion only, not a fact and that does come under the umbrella of implying her responses are abnormal.

The OP should certainly think about seeking help for her separation anxiety, if it continues at this level. It is clearly impacting on her well-being right now.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 13:08

I can't believe a mother saying she will miss her 2 year old son if he goes abroad without her is classed as separation anxiety and one that needs "help" for.

It's hardly like I'm anxious about him being in a different room of the house, it's about him being in a different country.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 06/08/2016 13:13

The OP should certainly think about seeking help for her separation anxiety, if it continues at this level. It is clearly impacting on her well-being right now.

In what way exactly is it impacting on her well being?

NickiFury · 06/08/2016 13:14

Oh you've had some utterly ridiculous responses on here OP, I really would ignore the more extreme ones if I were you, in fact I probably would have abandoned this thread long ago if I were you. Well done for sticking it out.

LunaLoveg00d · 06/08/2016 13:19

Nobody has said that missing a child is wrong. Being in tears at the mere thought of it, and coming up with all sorts of scenarios which might mean you dashing to Spain in an emergency is over-anxious though.

TheStoic · 06/08/2016 13:21

In what way exactly is it impacting on her well being?

Read the opening post, and most others from the OP.

I don't think needing, or seeking, help is anything to be ashamed of. OP, you are struggling. Whether it is rational or not, it could help to talk it through with an unbiased and supportive third party.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 13:21

Well thankfully nicki I'm aware I don't have any mental health issues despite being repeatedly told that's the case Smile

Thank you for all your support on this thread Flowers

OP posts:
NickiFury · 06/08/2016 13:23

She's come up with those scenarios in response to questions on here and not in the dramatic way you're implying either.

Anonymouses · 06/08/2016 13:28

At 2 1/2 he is old enough to be away from you and you know it. Doesn't mean you aren't allowed to feel sad about it. It will be fine though and will be great for your DH and your DS. He may come home with a new respect for all you do!

NickiFury · 06/08/2016 13:30

No problem OP. I'm disgusted at the hammering you've received to be honest and I am never a fan of people being told they have mental health issues in response to genuine concerns or because they won't agree. I also find it quite interesting that YOU are labelled controlling yet you've not got angry one time at what's been said to you, you've been receptive and mulled over all opinions. The ones who are coming across aggressively are the ones who are trying to force you to bend to their opinion of The Way Things Should Be with talk of abnormal anxieties Hmm

I am going to bow out now and spend some time with my poor kids and pack for our holiday Smile. Good luck and if you don't feel ready for him to go that's between you and your husband not a load of randoms on the internet that would choose to do things differently.

Almostfifty · 06/08/2016 13:47

OP, I totally understand where you're coming from, and wonder if anyone that's attacked you has actually at least read any of your posts apart from the first one...

I remember the first time I had a night away from my PFB, I didn't really enjoy it, I missed him too much. I would have been past myself after five.

Nowadays, I love it when my DC are all away, but they're grown up so it's different. I hope you manage to let them go and have a peaceful week to yourself.

RichardBucket · 06/08/2016 14:17

It's awful that you keep talking about "allowing" and "letting" your husband look after your son for five days without you.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2016 14:20

I don't think I've ever used the term allow/allowing regarding them going away together have I? I hope I haven't anyway.

OP posts:
GobblersKnob · 06/08/2016 14:23

I get where you are coming from op, 'part of parenting is letting go', at 2? Plenty of time for that later.

If you really feel uncomfortable then I would sit down and discuss it with your dh and I know my oh would listen if my concerns were great and change plans if necessary so that we were all happy with the situation, isn't that how families work?

SuburbanRhonda · 06/08/2016 14:38

that does come under the umbrella of implying her responses are abnormal.

nicki, if you insist of redefining what people post and putting things into your own categories, there's not much anyone can do about that.

And you now have the OP thinking people have said she has mental health problems, when I haven't seen a single post saying that.

roundaboutthetown · 06/08/2016 14:41

Oh, fgs. It's entirely normal to be anxious about it. It will probably be fine, but that's not the same thing as it being a brilliant idea. I can't help loving the dh's optimism, though. He deserves a go, if he really thinks it will be good for all concerned and he won't come home frazzled with a fractious child, to a wife who isn't entirely refreshed by the separation, followed by said child misbehaving for the next week at home as he settles back to normality. A trip to Butlins with other family members to help is a very long way removed from taking a child on your own to Spain for five days and not getting a second alone to yourself. It certainly doesn't sound like my idea of a fun holiday! A noble holiday it may be, however! Grin

NickiFury · 06/08/2016 14:44

Excessive anxiety and separation anxiety that interferes with personal well being and that a person needs to seek help for are definitely classed as Mental Health issues Rhonda whatever your opinion on the matter might be. They just are. I suggest a google might help you if you don't already know that.

I won't be responding to you anymore so rant away. Fortunately all posts still stand on this thread so people can make their own mind up on what's been said can't they?

HeddaLettuce · 06/08/2016 14:56

Oh, fgs. It's entirely normal to be anxious about it

It's really not ,if you are both averagely sensible parents. It wouldn't occur to me to be anxious about DH taking our children anywhere, any more than it would occur to him. I'm their mother, he is their father, both of us are perfectly able to care for them all properly by our selves!

Anyone who is really very anxious can't think much of their partners parenting, can they?

Swipe left for the next trending thread